Ever since she was a foal, sixteen year old Night Wisp felt like she was a normal pegasus, granted one without a cutie mark. Her parents never said something was wrong about her unusual ability, other than to refrain from using it outside of their home. There was nothing wrong with that, was there?
But when a freak accident occurs and her ability causes the startling death of her closest friend, her entire world is turned upside-down, and she must make a choice: run from what she doesn't understand, or seek out the truth about magic that some would rather leave hidden in the shadows. After all, some things are hidden for a reason...and strange things lay waiting in the darkness.
(This is my first fanfic, so any constructive criticism is welcome.)
I have to say, that was very enjoyable. You, my good sir, have a track and a follow.
Take some pinkies!
Hey, thanks for telling me it was on here, I'll clue in Chrome and Swift. But before I leave...
FLUTTERS, VOICE COMMAND!!!!!!!
[insert deep inhale sound here]
Yay!
With that said, I hope the Nightmare visits your dreams tonight, Night Fire.
Great finish on this chapter, also she can fly. Vanished, mysteriously? Hmmmmm she couldn't possibly have used her shadow magic to open a window and flown out of it.
still great story.
Well, you never know, Night. Think about it, if she had enough concentration and control, she could have done many things to leave. It's not like they were trying to keep her there. The implication is that there's no obvious signs as to how she left, unless she closed a window behind herself. Either way, it's not really important how she got out...then again, I may briefly explain it in Chapter Three for clarification.
Loving the story so far! Keep going, can't wait to read more.
Finally managed to read it, so how am I first???
Great story, Chrome said you're grammar is english major, so maybe you should get a job as a writer? You have earned every good comment you shall ever receive!
THIS IS YOUR FIRST FAN FIC... DAFUQ ARE YOU SMOKING TO GET THEM AWESOME JUICES FLOWING INTO YOUR BRAIN?!?
This writer is just awesome. No other reasons exist
Mazamis, I planned this story for five months prior to starting on chapter one. This whole story is already complete in my mind. ;)
I am confused. very confused... Wasn't this chapter three or did I have some freaky dream again?
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Yes, but I've had a ton of people who said the second chapter was too long. Since the story is on hiatus, I went ahead and split it. Its not exactly proper, but this early on I doubt it will do much.
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Oh, and you complain I was never on skype, I get on like every night and you're always offline, or do not disturb, and I'm not Chrome...
Here are some comments after the first chapter.
Your prose is good, but your formatting needs some word. Paragraphs are way too long, to the point of being walls of text. In addition, anytime a different character is talking, you should put a line break. If Applejack is saying a bunch, and then Night has a single line before Applejack talks again, then there should be two line breaks. Also, generally you want the story to start not too long before the plot kicks in. Night spent a lot of time doing not particularly anything, and while a little bit is good to establish the status quo before things get interesting, I think you went a bit overboard.
That said though, your actual writing is good, and I like Night as a character.
This is a great story, and it is a shame that more people havent read it. Keep up the good work!
"She felt another surge of anger rise in her soul, and she quickly faces forward, breaking into a full gallop.
This is a confusion of tense, and a mistake that is repeated several times.
"Felt" is past tense, "faces" is present tense. The subject cannot execute verbs of two different tenses in the same sentence. It's like saying "She opens the jar she already opened".
**end grammar Nazi function**
"She slowed and stopped, exhausted both physically and mentally, and began to silently sob as wet droplets ran down her muzzle and onto the ground."
The verb phrase is too much. She began to sob as the droplets ran? Or did the droplets run as she began to sob? If you really feel that telling us she was sobbing is not enough, make it it's own sentence. (sob. Wet droplets...) Again, this is a prevalent style in the piece, and is tiring to read.
**end style Nazi function**
I like the plot!
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Oh geez, and I thought I'd gotten all of those fixed by this point.
Thanks for pointing those out. It's been almost a year since I wrote chapter one, and I've still found minor errors that went overlooked. Hopefully I've been able to write better with the past few months, but please let me know if you see any more big ones.
*bonk!*
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I have been bonked.
O________o
Ghostwriter my friend... You have got me addicted. This is by far my favourite fanfic I've ever read. Extremely well-done! I only noticed about three mistakes, mostly in spelling, which is to be expected in fanfics. But honestly... YOU ARE A GENIUS!!! XD
I very much enjoyed reading this for many nonstop hours, and I cannot wait for any new updates!
Keep up the amazing work!
-Toothpaste