After an accident, Twilight's life is turned upside down and changed forever.
With her friends standing by her, she must manage to overcome new obstacles, learn a new way of life, and discover just how long secrets last when hidden from those who know you best.
So this is my first story. I haven't written in quite a few years, so I'm exceptionally rusty. I would really appreciate any and all critique to help improve my writing further.
I hope you enjoy it, nonetheless!
I know she's gonna be blind. I just know it.
Interesting start, couldn't find any errors whilst reading.
Let's hope the next chapter is out soon then!
You don't seem rusty. The story has no grammer or spelling errors I could see, the story synopsis and introduction draws the reader in from the beginning, and the pace of the story is progressing at a rate that keeps the reader interested without being so fast as to make the story seem to jump.
Overview: You've done everything right.
If this is rusty then I'd love to see you on form, this is great.
I only found one error but it was more me just being nit-picky.
'What do I do? Twilight thought to herself, '
'You can’t just tell me that! Twilight thought furiously, why are you keeping me here? What tests?!'
In all other lines the 'thoughts' were italicized like in the second line; in the first one the thought isn't.
But, literally, that is all I could find.
Now for the story:
Love the start, very smooth and then perfectly dramatic. The idea seems rather far-fetched to have faces appear in the sky but, then again, that is a vivid imagineation for you, take 'The lion king' for an example.Pic here
The rest is great and, as I said, error free. I'm really looking forward to more; so that must be a good sign.
Have a track and a thumb up, you've earned it
Good story so far. Definately interesting enough to track especially if it ends up being what I think it is.
you've caught my interest. please continue? OH PLEASE SAY SHE'S BLIND? the reaction will be great.
no offense to the character or anything i just like dark stories. a bookworm like twilight going blind plus her extreme OCD would make a beautiful reaction of crazy.
I should be so lucky to have this degree of rust.
Very good opening. I'll happily (or sadly, since this is officially a sadfic) hang around for more.
Thank you everyone, for the warm encouragement, I greatly appreciate it. I've got a plan in place for what's going to happen. The next chapter should be out quite soon.
Thanks for that. I happened to wake up at 2am, purely to remember that my italics formatting would be completely destroyed. I'm amazed I only missed one!
This is good. There are maybe 5 grammatical errors, all of them at the seams where clauses are joined together by commas, semicolons, or the ends of quotations. My preference is for less internal dialogue - I'd have cut everything from "On the other hoof" to "Find out now, or find out later," because the reader can figure all that stuff out. But I know I tend to go too far in that direction. Good job of not describing anything visually while in Twilight's POV. I agree with the comments by >>953563953563.
What happened to her, sorry of it says it already, I rushed the begginning.
This took a little longer than expected. Snags suck.
Speaking of snags, if I may direct your attentions to this.
Cool story bro- wait... 21 views... 27 likes............ Seems lgeit
A few typos this time around. Allow me~
Spike shook his head, walking over to where he had found her friend. her should be his
She landed on her back, sliding through a pile of books to a halt as he head hit the wall. he should be her
The doctor says the only certain damage was too my back, - one too many <O>'s there
There might be a few more in there somewhere, but this is what I noticed. Keep up the good work.
Bright eyyyyes burning like fire. Briiight eyyyes how can you close a fail? How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly turn so pale? Briight eyyes.
Thats what poped into my head
Thank you, it's much appreciated!
Oh no! Someone caught the reference to my horrendously uncreative title!
>>981327981327 No problem.
DH TOO SAD SAD OVERLOAD *ded*
when I clicked like it went from 29 to 40, I have the power of 11 bronys!
Great story so far, hopefully twilight wont be blind! I cried a little, Little manly tears!
Please update soon!
View count ALWAYS updates slower than likes.
(I think the site refreshes views on a timer, while likes update on the button press; but that's just my guess based on my observations....)
This is an amazing story. Track!
It got turned right upside down?
Did she get in one little fight and celestia got scared and she said "You're moving to your auntie and your uncle in canterlot."
Twilight, possibly going blind...Oh, man...
Okay people are gonna look at me like I'm some kind of psycho but I have actually been loking for a fic where a pony hurts their eyes, and I finaly found one! And it's really well written to boot!
Faving and thumbing up.
I ma not looking at you weirdly at all. Not at all. I actaully find this to be a big wonder since like humans i believe the sense's horse really on most are sight. So it is very interesting, well.. since ya know. a human without sight is worse than hearing or sound, since we DO most things based on sight.
You are an unbelievable tease, these short chapters combined with nervous waiting makes you downright evil.
I shall follow and see what happens next.
you got a like, watch and a read later place ! i hope this story end with some kind of happy end...
Aw... Blinding Twilight is possibly the meanest thing you can do to her... Even if they have a version of Braille it's not like obscure manuscripts and tomes will have been translated into it. Judging from the synopsis, I don't expect the best for her, but I'm eager to see where the story goes.
Surely she could read manuscripts with a spell?
Yeah, Twilight going blind is going to be high up there in her worst nightmares spot. Losing Celestia, her family, Spike, who counts as family, POSSIBLY Cadence, maybe probably, not sure, her magic, her eyes, and her friends. That just about covers the whole list for the Best Pony, I think.
“The news of commotion at your library quickly spread through the town. Before we arrived at the hospital, everyone was already here.”
Shouldn't that be 'everypony?'
GOOD SHOW! favorited!
>>981264981264 Great story, I really hope you continue it. Just please don't give Twilight cancer! That'd be so sad. And I'm not sure if that was your question on the link, but a horse's hooves are not sensitive. They're basically toenails.
AWSOME!!! love it
I never understood the point of this. I mean, if ONE non-pony was in that group, you'd be wrong.
The most likely scenario is that Spike is included, and thusly "everyone" or "everybody" is actually correct (because Spike =/= pony).
Off-Topic: Rarity's "duck face" ruins everything it touches. Including your comment.
poor Twilight, someone get the Princess!
This can't be good... Faved and upvoted this, I really like this story. I can only imagine what'd be coursing through Twilight's mind right now.
>>981327981327 Those poor rabbits
So, it's probably not an error...I don't know. I just don't get it.
Rainbow Dash dressed in a pink raincoat, and mismatched boots, glared at him behind a bright blush, “I lost mine, alright?! This was all I could find!”
“Sure they did.” Spike righted himself off the floor, snorting once again behind a twisted smile, “Is that Pinkie’s?”
Who/what is Spike referring to when he says "they?"
Ah ha, you're not mistaken. That's a typo.
Thank you, kindly.
After various editing shenanigans, and a new proofreader, we now have chapter 3 up and ready. I took this as a little challenge to increase the amount that happens in each chapters, as I was beginning to feel that 2000 words was perhaps a little too short.
All feedback is very welcome, and I appreciate all of you!
And damn pride, anyway! Celestia would never do something like that! Honestly, after 'Lesson Zero' you'd think Twilight would have learned her lesson.
Interesting, but curious and cryptic.
Did they just find her passed out in the library? What really happened?
Whoa. Interesting concept. Thought you might be headed in a different direction at first, but I suspect that was deliberate. Very well done so far. =D
Excuse me while I bawl my eyes out.
Wow, you handled the emotion and hurt of that last scene really well. Honestly, someone needs to tell Celestia as soon as possible. This is not something that can be hidden for long, and when it does come out the fall-out will be worse the longer it's held.
Checks tags: [Sad] & [Slice-of-Life]. "I'm surprised (and glad) that there's no romance tag. I've seen too many character-becomes-disabled fics loose sight of their drive, purpose. The fics that irk me drift from showing a character coping with their disability --- to becoming a sappy-romance (lime) fic."
Afterthought: "I have nothing against romance... it's just that romance tends to be the vain of these character-becomes-disabled fics."
Being headed to the Cataract Ranch myself, I can feel (let's not say "see") what Twi is going through.
I'm finding this utterly fascinating, depressing as it may seem.
D'aww. Is this gonna be TwiDash? I love TwiDash C: I'm hoping we eventually find out what happened, right? Right?
Either way, great work.
Interesting. Wait! Twilight's eyes were bandaged? She could see pretty fine in the last chapter! Couldn't she?
I can't handle the sads. I'd track this, but I know there's no hope of her eyes coming back. Having someone you know IRL being permanently disabled puts you off this type of thing.
I know there's no hope.
There never is.
I was almost tempted to pass this up upon seeing just the title, image, and synopsis, but I'm glad to see that I read it anyway. This character's are all n character (almost annoyingly so; dammit Twilight, stop being stupid) and I can't see enough grammatical or spelling errors for me to pass it off based on it's lack of literary merit. All in all, excellent, and I can't wait for Celestia's reaction.
Gosh darn it! You've got my man tears flowing. Curse you and your well-written tragedy.
Silly Twilight, always thinking that Celestia will just throw her away...
Also, you had some weird tense changes here:
"If the Princess finds out, she’ll send her to an institution for the blind. Spike will be given to the next unicorn that the Princess takes in to her tutelage, and Twilight Sparkle will forever be forgotten by everyone. Without sight, she couldn’t leave. Someone will have to lead her out of the hospital, and everyone will know that she is a flawed unicorn."
Well, altogether that paragraph was present tense, but the rest of it was past tense.
Other than that, it's quite excellent!
I anxiously await the future of this fic...
That is all.
*weeps in the corner*
awww poor Twilight, how can she think that Celestia would abandon her, just like that? And I'm damn sure Luna wouldn't.
Anyways, you captured all the emotions well. And I couldn't see ant spelling mistakes or grammar errors, so fantastic job.
The description has grabbed my attention. I'll be sure to read this later when I'm done with a chapter in my own story.
Thank you for that, I've fixed it up.
I had written that at 1am in the morning, whilest screaming at people in the Olympics. They could hear me, I'm sure of it.
Rest assured, there'll be no romance here. I agree with you on that point there, that it would drive away from the original purpose of the story. Friends can be good friends, without romantic feelings.
I already favorited this story, but after this chapter I had to double-check, just to be sure. Great work!
By CELESTIA! This is sad! I seriously expect that her friends will react to her differently and then start thinking suicide, NO! Twilight wouldnt ever think that... would she?
Oooh. There is nothing I can say. Perhaps some sad Fluttershy emoticons can let you know of my feelings.
Definetely giving you my thumb for this so far. The very thought of losing a sense that brings Twilight something she loves other than her friends and family (books), makes me feel really depressed. Though someone can, say, read it to her, it's not the same. Then again, nothing will be the same. So all I can tell that this story will go from is that eventually, Celestia will know, despite how Twilight will fight to not to let her. If only Twilight learned from "Lesson Zero" is that she isn't like that--she's not really Princess Trollestia, as the fandom likes to go by, despite how I really don't like it, she's actually nice and generous when she's not ruling all of Equestria.
Alright, I need to track this.
This is such a tearjerker - and so wonderfully well written!
You know, I hate cliffhangers. I hate them. Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate them.
But I love this story. I love love love love love love love love love it.
This is a good story, but it does make one wonder - what is with all these "Ponies get blinded" things that have started to pop up? Blind Ranbow Dash, this, a few other stories I can think of. You'd half expect that Basil the 2nd was writing MLP:FIM fanfic.
Certainly one I'll be following.
Alright, sorry, but I've got to get a minor rant out. This is a world of magic. And not exactly elitist magic, either. A substantial portion of the population must be unicorns, so it can't be "well, we've never had a blind unicorn before." Okay, magic doesn't work for healing in this variant of the universe, that's fine. But...a blind unicorn has NEVER decided to try an echo-location style spell, or some kind of magical second sight? Or hell, since reading seems to be the major existential crisis, a bloody book reading spell?
Please, don't mistake me. I like the story so far, and I've no complaint with the narrative. Its quite touching, and appropriately sad. Its just a pet peeve of mine in fiction with active magic. They seem to have any number of flashy spells to set things on fire, or blow things up, or turn things into other things, not to mention the "joke" spells...I mean, they have a spell specifically designed to give creatures moustaches. Seems like, at some point, a "let the blind function in society" spell would have popped up. Or at least pony-braille.
Though, as an additional, non-pet peeve based issue...her magic seems to be undiminished, or at least hasn't been mentioned as damaged so far. Her hearing seems to be fine as well. While getting around might be a theoretical issue, it again seems the reading and studying are the main issues that are behind the crisis. So...just have Spike handle the reading. Not like the little fellow's illiterate, and he'd probably appreciate being able to help. Again, apologies. A bad habit, to always look for the simplest solution.
So emotional. So awesome. Keep up the amazing work!
Well..that sucks for Twilight. But hey, it is the purpose of this fic so it had to happen.
This is a very emotional time for Twilight and now we get to look forward to angry, depressed, frustrated Twilight as she attempts to deal with her new disability. I'm sure that things will be fine for her...many, many years down the road. And who knows, perhaps she'll eventually find someone to love way down the road of life so that she doesn't die completely alone, in the dark.
Kind of curious as to what Twi's brother's reaction would be once he hears about this. Probably would depend on how soon she tells him and how he hears about it. No good would come if he heard it from a third party.
All-in-all, good fic so far and I am looking forward to more chapters in the future.
>>981264981264 I knew it. I knew this fic was based on that song. Somehow...
The fic isn't based on the song. Moreso, that the title of it seemed to fit it pretty well in a sardonic sort of way.
However, now I can't get the song out of my head.
All hope is not lost! Neigh I say! This is not the end of books for Twilight Sparkle, not the end for sight! so she's blind... so?She's a unicorn! magic can't repair organic matter in this fic perhaps, but magic has other purposes! She could invent a spell that gives her radar vision, or magic-sight! A spatial awareness spell!
Yet even with that... the fic will be sad. Twilight will never behold the sun in it''s glory again. It's almost as bad as losing her horn. She will never see the light of day with her own eyes again. I doubt even Discord could fix them. Even the ability to become a blind magician badass isn't worth your eyes.
Now excuse me while I shed manly tears.
Hey, just asking about the edits on the two first chapters, is it just "grammar and spelling error" edits so I can safely skip it or do you recomend re reading them for new story segments?
Sure is. Nothing major. :)
Celestia would be devastated that Twilight thinks she would be thrown away like that.
Cadance, SA, her parents... Reminds me of that history about Twilight in a comma "Faithful Student".
Ugh I was already teary this morning because I had a story idea that is very heartfelt, then I read this after doing some planning for the other, BAH!
I can understand how Twilight would think that if she keeps sending letters that Celistia wouldn't find out and she would be safe, but what about visits from Celestia? The princess visits often what will twilight do then?
You can't just end it like this! We must have more!
You don't know how right you are.
I'm probably the only one that would have liked this story even more if it did get romantic, but I do know where you're comming from.
I'm just one big sap who loves romance fics in all forms.
We can agree that the fic is amazing as it is though.
Hmmm, the rules for magic that you used don't say that there can't be a spell to show you a specific location and I'm sure Twi could change the spell in a way that directly shows her the image, without going over her eyes, but then again, that'd make the sad tag rather moot, right?
Your mentioning of Luna reminds me of one of Twilight's favorite pass-times, which she can no longer do at all!
Correction: She's not REALLY Princess Trollestia... most the time. Because she DID troll the cakes when they were pouring her tea, which shows she does enjoy messing with her subjects sometimes.
Agreed, there's plenty of ways for her to be able to dance around the limitations of magic to receive the ability to see, even if it's just for short periods of time.
And it wouldn't make the fic any less sad, unless it was a permenant fix, and if it was it could just be applied at the end to give an uplifting ending to a sad story.
Princesses, where are you?
>>10138081013808 Eh, what's life without messing with a few heads? Lol.
NOOO NOT TWILIGHT
But do I see TwiDash coming? That would be awesome, so long as the focus of the story doesn't shift from the disability.
No one else saw what Agent Bookfort did with the room number?
That was subtle trolling
On a less silly note, fabulous writing, and keep up the good work.
As a witty creature, I can't be expected to keep a straight face the entre time, can I?
Actually, now that I think about it, does braille not exist for ponies? There's one major problem solved; she can still read again, after all.
But are pony hooves sensitive enough that they can read braille, or their own version of it?
Better blind then dead. Good story and good plot. Can't wait for more.
*ducks head and sineltly weeps*
this is so, just... tragic. beautiful work, just awesome. might i ask for more?