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After an accident, Twilight's life is turned upside down and changed forever.
With her friends standing by her, she must manage to overcome new obstacles, learn a new way of life, and discover just how long secrets last when hidden from those who know you best.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So this is my first story. I haven't written in quite a few years, so I'm exceptionally rusty. I would really appreciate any and all critique to help improve my writing further.
I hope you enjoy it, nonetheless!
Interesting start, couldn't find any errors whilst reading.
Let's hope the next chapter is out soon then!
You don't seem rusty. The story has no grammer or spelling errors I could see, the story synopsis and introduction draws the reader in from the beginning, and the pace of the story is progressing at a rate that keeps the reader interested without being so fast as to make the story seem to jump.
Overview: You've done everything right.
If this is rusty then I'd love to see you on form, this is great.
I only found one error but it was more me just being nit-picky.
'What do I do? Twilight thought to herself, '
'You can’t just tell me that! Twilight thought furiously, why are you keeping me here? What tests?!'
In all other lines the 'thoughts' were italicized like in the second line; in the first one the thought isn't.
But, literally, that is all I could find.
Now for the story:
Love the start, very smooth and then perfectly dramatic. The idea seems rather far-fetched to have faces appear in the sky but, then again, that is a vivid imagineation for you, take 'The lion king' for an example.Pic here
The rest is great and, as I said, error free. I'm really looking forward to more; so that must be a good sign.
Have a track and a thumb up, you've earned it
Good story so far. Definately interesting enough to track especially if it ends up being what I think it is.
you've caught my interest. please continue? OH PLEASE SAY SHE'S BLIND? the reaction will be great.
no offense to the character or anything i just like dark stories. a bookworm like twilight going blind plus her extreme OCD would make a beautiful reaction of crazy.
I should be so lucky to have this degree of rust.
Very good opening. I'll happily (or sadly, since this is officially a sadfic) hang around for more.
Thank you everyone, for the warm encouragement, I greatly appreciate it. I've got a plan in place for what's going to happen. The next chapter should be out quite soon.
953657
Thanks for that. I happened to wake up at 2am, purely to remember that my italics formatting would be completely destroyed. I'm amazed I only missed one!
This is good. There are maybe 5 grammatical errors, all of them at the seams where clauses are joined together by commas, semicolons, or the ends of quotations. My preference is for less internal dialogue - I'd have cut everything from "On the other hoof" to "Find out now, or find out later," because the reader can figure all that stuff out. But I know I tend to go too far in that direction. Good job of not describing anything visually while in Twilight's POV. I agree with the comments by 953563.
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/007/195/im%20watching%20you%20-%20copia.jpg
What happened to her, sorry of it says it already, I rushed the begginning.
This took a little longer than expected. Snags suck.
Speaking of snags, if I may direct your attentions to this.
Cool story bro- wait... 21 views... 27 likes...........
. Seems lgeit
A few typos this time around. Allow me~
Spike shook his head, walking over to where he had found her friend. her should be his
She landed on her back, sliding through a pile of books to a halt as he head hit the wall. he should be her
The doctor says the only certain damage was too my back, - one too many <O>'s there
There might be a few more in there somewhere, but this is what I noticed. Keep up the good work.
Bright eyyyyes burning like fire. Briiight eyyyes how can you close a fail? How can the light that burned so brightly suddenly turn so pale? Briight eyyes.
Thats what poped into my head
981319
Thank you, it's much appreciated!
981325
Oh no! Someone caught the reference to my horrendously uncreative title!
981327 No problem.
DH TOO SAD SAD OVERLOAD *ded*
when I clicked like it went from 29 to 40, I have the power of 11 bronys!
Great story so far, hopefully twilight wont be blind!
I cried a little, Little manly tears!
Please update soon!
981299
View count ALWAYS updates slower than likes.
(I think the site refreshes views on a timer, while likes update on the button press; but that's just my guess based on my observations....)
This is an amazing story. Track!
It got turned right upside down?
Did she get in one little fight and celestia got scared and she said "You're moving to your auntie and your uncle in canterlot."
Twilight, possibly going blind...Oh, man...
Okay people are gonna look at me like I'm some kind of psycho but I have actually been loking for a fic where a pony hurts their eyes, and I finaly found one! And it's really well written to boot!
Faving and thumbing up.
981428
I ma not looking at you weirdly at all. Not at all. I actaully find this to be a big wonder since like humans i believe the sense's horse really on most are sight. So it is very interesting, well.. since ya know. a human without sight is worse than hearing or sound, since we DO most things based on sight.
You are an unbelievable tease, these short chapters combined with nervous waiting makes you downright evil.
I shall follow and see what happens next.
you got a like, watch and a read later place ! i hope this story end with some kind of happy end...
Aw... Blinding Twilight is possibly the meanest thing you can do to her... Even if they have a version of Braille it's not like obscure manuscripts and tomes will have been translated into it. Judging from the synopsis, I don't expect the best for her, but I'm eager to see where the story goes.
Surely she could read manuscripts with a spell?
Yeah, Twilight going blind is going to be high up there in her worst nightmares spot. Losing Celestia, her family, Spike, who counts as family, POSSIBLY Cadence, maybe probably, not sure, her magic, her eyes, and her friends. That just about covers the whole list for the Best Pony, I think.
“The news of commotion at your library quickly spread through the town. Before we arrived at the hospital, everyone was already here.”
Shouldn't that be 'everypony?'
GOOD SHOW!
favorited!
981264 Great story, I really hope you continue it. Just please don't give Twilight cancer! That'd be so sad.
And I'm not sure if that was your question on the link, but a horse's hooves are not sensitive. They're basically toenails.
AWSOME!!! love it
981517
I never understood the point of this. I mean, if ONE non-pony was in that group, you'd be wrong.
The most likely scenario is that Spike is included, and thusly "everyone" or "everybody" is actually correct (because Spike =/= pony).
Off-Topic: Rarity's "duck face" ruins everything it touches. Including your comment.
poor Twilight, someone get the Princess!
This can't be good... Faved and upvoted this, I really like this story. I can only imagine what'd be coursing through Twilight's mind right now.
981327 Those poor rabbits
So, it's probably not an error...I don't know. I just don't get it.
Rainbow Dash dressed in a pink raincoat, and mismatched boots, glared at him behind a bright blush, “I lost mine, alright?! This was all I could find!”
“Sure they did.” Spike righted himself off the floor, snorting once again behind a twisted smile, “Is that Pinkie’s?”
Who/what is Spike referring to when he says "they?"
994593
Ah ha, you're not mistaken. That's a typo.
Thank you, kindly.
After various editing shenanigans, and a new proofreader, we now have chapter 3 up and ready. I took this as a little challenge to increase the amount that happens in each chapters, as I was beginning to feel that 2000 words was perhaps a little too short.
All feedback is very welcome, and I appreciate all of you!
Poor Twilight...
And damn pride, anyway! Celestia would never do something like that! Honestly, after 'Lesson Zero' you'd think Twilight would have learned her lesson.
Wow.
Powerful stuff.
Update soon!
Interesting, but curious and cryptic.
Did they just find her passed out in the library? What really happened?
Whoa. Interesting concept. Thought you might be headed in a different direction at first, but I suspect that was deliberate. Very well done so far. =D
Excuse me while I bawl my eyes out.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_gasp.png
Wow, you handled the emotion and hurt of that last scene really well. Honestly, someone needs to tell Celestia as soon as possible. This is not something that can be hidden for long, and when it does come out the fall-out will be worse the longer it's held.
Poor Twilight.
1007291
Checks tags: [Sad] & [Slice-of-Life]. "I'm surprised (and glad) that there's no romance tag. I've seen too many character-becomes-disabled fics loose sight of their drive, purpose. The fics that irk me drift from showing a character coping with their disability --- to becoming a sappy-romance (lime) fic."
Afterthought: "I have nothing against romance... it's just that romance tends to be the vain of these character-becomes-disabled fics."
Being headed to the Cataract Ranch myself, I can feel (let's not say "see") what Twi is going through.
I'm finding this utterly fascinating, depressing as it may seem.