"some favors come with too high a price."  --- Vir Cotto

AlicornPriest is helping me edit.  I've posted the updated first chapter.  Very much improved.

(updated with minor changes, pulled a OC character name that was giving issues, grabbed a cup of coffee)

The cliffhanger ending before the commercial:  Will Pumpernickel get eaten by a resurgent Nightmare Moon!  Will he really taste like Pumpernickel?  Or does she have something more Clop in mind since he's already in the bedroom?  Stay Tuned Next Week....

I thought Luna's guard had some plan in mind when they offered to swear loyalty to her.  (I was confused that they wouldn't have already, but that's a different matter.)  It had seemed like Pumpernickel had a plan, and had talked people into it, and it didn't work; but we never learned what the plan was.

>>10345731034573   Well, it kind-of hinges on your definition of "Plan".  Luna's current mental state is...hm...Iffy.  Celestia has breezed her back into the same castle she has inhabited *alone* for the last millenia, the servants don't really think she belongs, everything in the whole castle that she touches belonged totally to Celestia until just a few months ago, her last encounter with her sister involved turning into the living embodiment of evil and trying to kill her during a revolution.  And she's spent the last thousand years in the moon trapped with this same evil creature.  She has major guilt issues, and has NO IDEA why Celestia would trust her so much again after all she put her through.  (Answer: Celestia truly does love her sister, and would walk through a thousand years of hot coals for her.  Luna does too, she just isn't thinking about it at the moment)

That brings us to the plan.  It's a little sketchy, but from Pumpernickel, it's a masterpiece.  They swear loyalty to her, leave the castle with her, and go...somewhere else until Luna can get her head screwed on straight but they're not going to say that.

Major problems with the plan: 1) Luna is reminded of Nightmare Moon everytime she looks at a Night Guard.  2) Abandoning their oath to Celestia and swearing exclusively to Luna is TREASON.  (although if they had pulled it off and brought Luna back all happy, it probably would have been forgiven.)  3) Gathering her supporters and flying away is *exactly* what she did when she turned into Nightmare Moon and 4) Pumpernickel thought of it.

Interesting mythos.

Oh ho, Tartarus hath no fury like mare who's being talked about behind her back.

Or rather, in front her door.

Two chapters left to go: An Ending and an Epilogue.  I'll post them both at the same time once they're done being edited, probably before Friday.

Wow that was quite the first chapter, I can't wait to read more, liked and fav'd.

Oh those first few paragraphs were hilarious, I lol'd so hard. I like how the bat-like pegasi are a different breed, not just the product of som enchantment. I'm really liking where this is going, but longer chapters would definitely not go unappreciated.

Ooh, I can't wait to see how Celestia reacts to this.

Buffalo Pole, lol .

And Pumpernickel is in for it...

Also

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/328/813/8d6.jpg

Oh sweet Celestia, the alliteration! Beautimous! And I think a comedy tag might be appropriate, I can't stop laughing!

I'm sad to hear the ending is near, but it's been a fun story all along!

Luna seems to be happier now... That's very good indeed.  I was rather nervous about the 'sad' and 'dark' tags, but it seems like nothing to bad has happened.  Keep up the great work... I'm eagerly awaiting the finale.  

That is all

>>10494081049408

Over? Already?

But... but...

Image: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/12875849/reactions/1330201810826.png

>>10561281056128  Two more chapters, probably posted today and *then* its over.

>>10568481056848

Image: https://dl.dropbox.com/u/12875849/reactions/haveiwrongedyou.jpg

Many lol's were had, thanks for another great chapter, and I'm glad Luna is taking the steps to move on.

Awwww. May I respectfully ask for a sequel? Or unrespecfully demand one? Some combination of the two? I really want to see more of this

>>10599891059989  Lordlyhour   - There is a sequel and I wrote it first Two Unicorns Walk Into a Village so it will be a little ....lot choppier and in need of typo-fixing and dialogue tidy-ing  (Yes I wrote a 15k word story with a 19k word prequel).  

Would there be any interest in a sequel where Luna sends Laminia off to Ponyville to be trained in "Ladylike behavior and grace fitting a hoofmaiden" by Rarity, with Pumpernickel as a "guard"?  (Oh Luna wouldn't just happen to be trying to set those two up now, would she?)  It would include scenes from Celestia's garden, where she has been crossbreeding flowers for well over a millennia, and considerable "fish-out-of-water" as the two big-city Night Pegasi get to deal with the little town of Ponyville (and vice versa)

Your little flashback there makes me think of the changelings (of all things) for some reason.  I wonder what the relationship between the bat-ponies/Night Pegasi and the changelings is?  Are the changelings also partly affected by the conversion spell or something?  (Not that I expect you to know, or to try and figure it out.  Just idle musings.)

I like how all your stories (so far, I haven't yet read the throwaway alicorn oneshot fic) subtly tie into one another.  I'd just as soon you didn't mention it in the future though, I prefer the image of us nodding sagely at each other as we see the references (all, what, maybe fifty-so of us).  It's by nature your call, though.

>>10618571061857  

Well, I'd read it, at least.

By the way, I also want to read that novel you've been working on since apparently forever

>>10618571061857 YES! I Demand this as respectfully and undemandingly as it requires to be done! Also, I realised this was a prequel about five minutes after I wrote that comment. I read the Quel (because it makes sense to call it that) and enjoyed it immensly.

Probably the best fanon explanation for the origins of the bat-wing Pegasi and the events that led to the destruction of the old castle.  It might also be the best explanation yet for Luna's guilt - for she betrayed more than her sister, she slaughtered her own followers for her own convenience.  That's a lot of blood for one pony to carry on her conscience.  Sometimes I wonder if she had tried to take her own life more than once in the first few months.

Just remember that millennia-old goddesses tend to have very good hearing... and not necessarily a sense of humour to match.

You know, I'm pretty sure that Luna and Rainbow Dash will get on famously; they both have the same incredibly sick sense of humour.

Okay, I'm beginning to see the connections now; Two Unicorns isn't a sequel, it's the direct continuation (from Luna's POV) whilst this story just wraps up the loose ends from the palace plots.

>>11501271150127   Heh.  Yep.  Just remember I wrote "Two Unicorns" first.  **spoiler**   I think I did well if you read that one and take until about halfway through to say "Hey, that's Luna!", and leaf backwards to see the hints you missed.  If it's a surprise until the very end, I failed.   Oh, and I'm not done abusing Pumpernickel yet either.

(Updated Chap 5 with one dream that I just *had* to get wedged in, and corrected Pony Joe's type (he's a unicorn, not an earth pony))

"Your Princess has NEEDS!"

Oh Lord, I laughed for a minute solid.

Very nice, definitely will be reading the rest of this.

Pretty powerful ending.

The big golden eyes of the creature...no, Luna’s child, blinked in the bright sun and looked up at her.  “I’m Rye, and my brother was Pumpernickel.”

Gotta admit, I teared up at this line.

Fun stuff, definitely going to check out the other stories that tie into this one ^^ There were a couple typos here and there, though. Might wanna catch 'em! :3

My brain hurt from all the p's but they were incredibly well written. I've also really enjoyed Pumpernickel.

I nearly teared up that ending. It was a very lovely story with some great comedy and whimsy intertwined with sadness, but it never got too sad. Yet it remained very touching.

prostrate

Interesting so far btw.  I'll have to take a look at the rest.

Best chapter in the story, right here.

You know, this makes you the first pony in over a thousand years to sleep with both Royal Princesses.

That lucky dog bat.

No! You have to be able to get rid of the prejudice in a thousand years! It has been done in our world over the course of a hundred or so.

The paragraph with the pristine pink flanks made my stoumache turn. That's a bad author. Bad! *whap* Show, don't tell. Show the reader why the flanks are pristine by describing them, rather than just telling the reader that they are pristine.

>>24136082413608 ....... My stars. Are you for real?

Don't care much for this take on Celestia. Way too casual and blunt too fit my impression of her. I don't write myself but I imagine Celestia and Rarity first person are the steepest hills an aspiring fimfiction writer could chose to climb. I admire the effort put into this, but this Celestia is just too much of a turnoff for me.

Image: http://i1149.photobucket.com/albums/o593/Ralph2012/Spike-reading-something-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-28606431-500-561.jpg

>>24522262452226 Well, everyone loves Celestia, right? One would think she could do SOMETHING. In 1000 years. If she has sufficient control over the educational system.

AND YET...

>>24529922452992  Well, she is sleep-deprived throughout the story...  And her flanks are really pristine, pink and flanks, so.... huh?

>>24542262454226  Well, you have a nocturnal fourth Pony race with bat-like wings, dragon-like eyes, and a long traditional history of being created by a Princess of the Night who will return someday to rule over the whole country.  They're doing pretty good to be able to go downtown and shop for groceries without the normally panic-prone ponies of the town running away.  Just look at the acceptance level of Zecora inside Ponyville, a bastion of love and tolerance.

There seems to be a burst of re-reading going on for this story.  Maybe I should re-edit it up to my current standards (which have improved, thankfully)

California.