To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

I received your latest correspondence with enthusiasm and greatly enjoyed reading of your most recent adventure.  I am pleased to know that Pinkie Pie has learned an important lesson about trusting friends, and hope that you and the rest of her friends will try to be a bit more discreet next time you attempt to keep secrets from a fourth dimensional pony.  Know that your letters are a source of constant delight to me and that I always look forward to hearing from you.

That being said, as much as I encourage you to share your innermost thoughts and feelings, I would have thought that you understood that you don't need to share everything.  Don't you feel the last section of your previous letter was perhaps a bit graphic?  I am always ready to provide you with advice and to address any concerns you might have for me, but there are details of your life, particularly those that occur between you and other ponies behind closed doors, that I really don't need to know.  And frankly the sketches were a bit much.

Nonetheless I hope your research continues apace and that you continue to provide such well thought out and professionally written reports.  Just perhaps a bit less comprehensive next time, hm?

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

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Dear Princess Celestia,

Thank you for your kind words and for the instruction, as you well know I am always anxious and willing to learn, and I shall think carefully on the lesson you are attempting to teach me.

However, I must admit to some confusion regarding the contents of your last scroll.  It is possible that I am misunderstanding you, but I did not think that anything that I sent you in my previous letter was at all untowards, much less graphic.  Perhaps you did not understand what I was attempting to say?  All that happened between my friends and I was the sort of activities that typically occur at a young mares' party.  Maybe it's been a little too long since you attended one?  I think Pinkie Pie can arrange to fix this, and we will do our best not to include anything that offends your sensibilities.

I don't recall including any sketches, though.  Has Spike been adding doodles to my letters when I'm not looking?  I'll have to do something about that.  I do apologize for the confusion.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

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To my very cheeky student Twilight Sparkle,

I think perhaps your study into the magic of friendship has done you more good than I thought!  I never thought I'd see the day when my faithful student started making cracks about my age.  Luna suggests that I have you spanked for it, but I believe I'll let it slide for now.  She's a bit of a naughty pony anyway, and I'd rather not encourage her.

It has been a while since I've attended an event so informal as a birthday party, but I think I remember something about a conga line that didn't involve inserting one's horn into some very intimate places.  I am happy to learn that you've discovered the joys of young love Twilight Sparkle, and pleased that it has apparently loosened you up a bit, but the exact details of how you express that affection for your lovers is rather too much information even in this progressive age we live in.  You may feel comfortable talking amongst your friends about such activities, but indulge me when I ask that you observe a somewhat higher level of decorum in official letters.  You're usually much better about that sort of thing, so I'm willing to chalk up this singular lapse to a bit too much enthusiasm about your new discoveries.

Moreover, I must insist you refrain from using Spike to transcribe such racy notes.  If it was in fact him adding those sketches to your letter then he is learning entirely too much about equine anatomy for his tender age.  You are charged with his upbringing, so I'll caution you not to teach him so much about the birds and the bees so soon.  It really is not appropriate.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I must admit that I am now utterly confused.  When I read your previous letter I assumed that you were making some manner of joke and responded in kind.  However your latest correspondence has me completely baffled.  I have not made any recent "discoveries" in the field of love, young or otherwise, and I can assure you that my horn has not been anywhere near anypony's intimate places.  Further, I can guarantee you that even if I had, and even if I felt the need to inform your majesty (and I would like to state for the record that I would no more describe the details of my “intimate encounters” to you than I would my own parents, and for similar reasons) that I would absolutely leave Spike entirely out of it.  He spends enough time staring at Rarity's haunches as it is...

Wait, this is still a joke, isn't it?  Princess Celestia are you playing a prank on me?  Or is this Luna?  Oh well done, you really had me going for a while there.  I was starting to worry that I'd actually included something unintentionally racy in one of my previous letters.  Oh well, I'm sure there was never any chance of that, I don't know enough about being intimate with other ponies to write about such a thing even if I felt compelled to.

That was all very funny, I'm sure my friends will get a kick out of it, especially Pinkie Pie.  She loves a good prank, and I'm sure she'll help me when I get you back.

Your heartily amused student,

Twilight Sparkle

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To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

Oh for the love of all that is holy, do not invoke the wrath of Pinkie Pie upon me.  In any case, if there is a prank being played here then we are both its victims, for every letter I have written you was entirely in earnest.  The scroll you sent me regarding Pinkie's birthday party included an extremely graphic and erotic description of the evening's activities between yourself and several of your friends.  It is now apparent that you didn't include this piece of fiction, but that leaves the rather troubling question of who did.  I do hope that it wasn't Spike, he really shouldn't have any idea what any of these things mean.  I also asked Luna if she had anything to do with it, to which she responded "I wish!"

I have included the original scroll with this letter and return it to you in the hopes that you will be able to discern its meaning and discover where it came from.  If somepony did somehow manage to include this item with your scroll as a sort of prank then they are to be commended for their ingenuity, but they clearly have a rather sick mind.  Counseling might be in order.

...Luna won't stop laughing.  I don't know what I'm going to do about that filly.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

You'll be pleased to learn that I have discovered the source of our mysterious erotica.  A few weeks ago my friend Fluttershy borrowed a few books from the library, and when she returned them to me she accidentally included a journal that she has been writing.  She's been looking for it the entire time, and was very happy to get it back.  As it turns out, a page came out of the book and got mixed up with my notes, and was eventually sent to you by accident along with one of my reports on the magic of friendship.  I'm terribly sorry for the mistake, and Fluttershy is as well.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

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Dear Twilight,

 Why, for the love of me, does Fluttershy's journal contain a fictionalized account of you and her and the rest of your friends all having sex in Applejack's barn?  WITH PICTURES?

-Princess Celestia

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Dear Princess Celestia,

I... didn't ask.

Do we really want to know?

-Twilight Sparkle

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To my Faithful Student Twilight Sparkle,

I have thought long and hard on your last letter and come to the conclusion that you are displaying wisdom far beyond your years, and that no, no I really do not want to know.

Do some more research on friendship or magic or something, and let's just forget that any of this ever happened.

Your Mentor,

Princess Celestia of Equestria

-

Dear Twilight,

 I DO!

-Luna

-The End