You seem to have javascript disabled, or your browser is failing to execute it properly. Much of Fimfiction's functionality requires javascript so we suggest you turn it on! If this message goes away after a few seconds, ignore it, javascript support sometimes takes a few seconds to detect.

Featured In13

More Stories6

  • T Correspondence

    Twilight thought she had a handle on her crush. Then Spike sent the princess the wrong darn book!
    4,472 words · 22,634 views  ·  2,267  ·  43
  • T Do You Really Want to Know?

    Twilight and Celestia send each other some letters. And get incredibly confused.
    4,124 words · 9,951 views  ·  1,077  ·  22
  • T Messin' With Celestia

    Celestia thought she was having a bad day. And then the zombies showed up.
    4,796 words · 3,711 views  ·  365  ·  5 · sex · gore
  • T They're Comfy and Easy to Wear

    A collection of fairly random pony story bits. Presented without context or apology.
    12,611 words · 4,421 views  ·  293  ·  4
  • T Distance

    Can an immortal alicorn really have a relationship with a very young unicorn? Should she?
    4,204 words · 4,707 views  ·  412  ·  9
  • T The Creature that Came to Ponyville

    Fluttershy gets a pet xenomorph. Hilarity ensues. Also lots of dead ponies.
    33,124 words · 2,310 views  ·  183  ·  12 · gore

Blog Posts22

  • 77w, 2d
    State of the Uncle

    Is there a stated rule anywhere, or even a suggestion for what we're supposed to blog about on this site? That's not a serious question. I'm pretty sure there isn't beyond the mandate that content not be illegal or otherwise upsetting, and if you're gonna talk about dirty stuff you gotta put it behind a nsfw cut? I try to keep my blogging to fanfic, or at least ponies, but I have to fight the occasional urge to just do random biopic crap that nobody cares about. I've already done that with my Tumblr, it really doesn't have anything to do with my actual fanfic anymore, I should save this one for talking about that.

    I really want to turn the "Stranger" chapter of Comfy and Easy to Wear into something a little longer. As may be evidenced by the fact that I wrote a god damn My Little Pony and Aliens crossover I really like having the pones interact with big huge scary things. Thing was, dragging a random original character out of another dimension and into Equestria doesn't really feel organic to the setting. Well, I guess now it does now that we know Celestia has magic mirrors serving as interdimensional portals in her basement, but I think the fewer story cues I take from Equestria Girls the better.

    I think I have an idea for an OC I can work into the setting better though. I just have to hope that people will be positively inclined towards a story about an OC. Well, I'll worry about that when I get to it, I'm not taking on any big projects until I finish Distance. Which is going about as slowly as I expected and much more so than I'd like, but I'm still plugging along. I keep having existential crisises in the middle of it though, reading other Twilestia fics that are infinitely more awesome than anything I could ever hope to accomplish and second guessing everything I write. I gotta work through that! I might rewrite the first chapter a little bit. I don't know. I liked the tone, but now that I'm writing some more involved scenes between characters I'm starting to realize that my tendency to avoid an omniscient narrative style kind of hinders my portrayal of emotion. I'd like to have the characters express what they're feeling through their actions and words during a conversation instead of relying on "Twilight felt x and Celestia though y and then they started to lick each others' z". But... I'm not very good at it. Oh well, practice makes perfect.

    Thanks for listening to me ramble about this, it makes me feel a lot better to get this stuff out and write it down. At least I'm writing something...

    7 comments · 472 views
  • 79w, 2d
    The Most Appropriate Euphamism I Could Think of

    Six ponies sat around the table in Rarity's den, each of them concentrating on the playing cards in their hooves. Fluttershy's ear twitched a bit as she tapped her hoof on a pile of chips.

    "... you know," she said carefully, "he's been in there an awfully long time."

    The other ponies looked up from their cards in surprise, blinking at the sweet cream colored pegasus. She blushed and sank down in her seat just a little bit.

    "He really has," said Rainbow Dash, "feels like it's been months, even."

    "Someone should go check up on him," said Applejack.

    Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle just turned to look at Rarity. Her eyebrows slowly lowered in a titanic scowl.

    "Why does it have to be-"

    "Your house"

    "Fine! I hope you all get papercuts."

    Rarity placed her cards facedown on the table and trotted across the room and down the hall. Pausing at her bathroom door, she took a deep breath, and then very softly knocked. "Friendly Uncle? Are you alright in there?"

    Somewhere in the room beyond the door Rarity hear somepony take a sharp breath, followed by a very low, whispered, "Almooooost..."

    Then Rarity heard the most obscene noise that had ever emerged from a pony's bowels, followed by a loud splash. The fashionista's jaw dropped in unmitigated horror as the noises continued, almost drowning out the cries of "It's coming out! It's coming out! At long last, it's coming out!!!"

    "Friendly Uncle?" called Rarity, "I just want you to know that is absolutely disgusting and I'm going to wall you in there!"

    "Bite me, Squiggletail!"

    -

    Meanwhile, Luna frowned at her sister, who was pointing her telescope at Ponyville, making careful adjustments to the instrument as she attempted to get a closer look at something.

    "I only wish to be certain that I understand," said the Princess of the Moon, "the bowel movement is a metaphor for his creative output?"

    "Exactly," said Princess Celestia, squinting into the eyepiece.

    "... and you are watching?"

    "Yes."

    "I think I'm going to be sick."

    "I want to see what he's doing!" grumbled Celestia defensively. "Come on you friendly asshole, you promised me a love scene with Twilight Sparkle, don't make me come down there...!"

    24 comments · 523 views
  • 91w, 23h
    Reports of my demise, etc.

    Bleah, it's been a while since I've touched this thing. Look at all the dust!

    I'd like to apologize for not updating. Fact of the matter is I wanted to. I really really did. But I had a bit of a personal crisis towards the end of last year that took up a lot of mental energy that normally would have been spent on writing fanfiction. I'd rather not go into the details. Suffice to say I didn't feel very friendly. And I didn't want to come back empty handed! I've been determined to finish the next chapter of Distance, or put up another short story, or something.

    You may notice that hasn't happened.

    Darned if I know what it is. It's the single most spectacular case of writer's block I've ever had. There are aborted attempts at writing littering my hard drive right now and I don't know what to do with any of them. It just ain't coming. And trying to force it hasn't helped.

    So I'm just going to stop stressing over it. It'll happen eventually I'm sure, but I couldn't say when. I still love those friendly candy colored mini horses, but I just can't get into the right mindset to do anything with them. Maybe I need to read more fanfic. Maybe I need to watch some episodes again.

    Maybe I should post that random as hell porn ficlet I crapped out a million years ago. Anyone want some porn? It's humanized, but it's cute. I think.

    I'm not quitting, I'm just really tired. Consider this a belated hiatus announcement.

    I'm going to go to bed and try not to think about how much I'm disappointing everyone for a change, and maybe once my neck muscles un-knot I'll be able to make some sense out of some of these scraps. ...is this a paragraph about the Cutie Mark Crusaders discussing boners yes I think that's what this is was I high when I wrote this what the hell...

    20 comments · 675 views
  • 102w, 6d
    Hearthswarming Eve Contest

    Your friend and mine, fellow pony fanfic author Andrew Joshua Talon, is holding a contest this holiday season. Simply read one of his fanfics and find a scene you feel deserves artistic representation in a visual medium, and then represent it artistically. We want to see some fanart, basically. And for your contribution AJT will be rewarding prizes of money dollars. So get your pencils or digital styluses or whatever it is you kids use to produce graphic images these days and let’s see what you can do.

    I personally would love to see some fanart of Natrix getting defenestrated, but that is purely a suggestion.

    7 comments · 224 views
  • 105w, 6d
    So, how about that season premier?

    Without spoiling anything I think I can safely say... I liked it. I thought it was pretty good. Not spectacular. Doesn't hold a candle to season 1 and 2, or even season 2's finale, but still really nice. I laughed a bit, and I was actually really nervous towards the end, so the dramatic tension is there. I saw that last twist coming from a mile away, but it was still nice. Celestia is best troll.

    Speaking of which, I am taking Celestia's referring to Twilight as "dearest" as proof that Distance is canon. Applejack and Rarity is also canon. I'm just saying. You can argue with me about this but you will not win. Twilestia is best ship. Rarijack is up there.

    (I also like Flarity, but it doesn't have to be canon, I'm comfortable with that being AU.)

    Speaking of Distance, I need to get off my ass and finish chapter 2. Time for some ponies getting dirty...

    58 comments · 236 views
  • ...
 467
 28,786
This story has been marked as having adult content. Please click below to confirm you are of legal age to view adult material in your country.

Confirm
#1 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Just after the description: Wow.

Just Wow.

#2 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Oh... My...

#3 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Friendly Uncle? Fluffer...Sh...

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!

#4 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Insta-fav. FUUUUUUUUUUCK YEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

#5 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

:rainbowderp::derpyderp2::applejackconfused::pinkiegasp::twilightoops:

What.

#6 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

This. Was. Hilarious.

Awkward moments are the epitome of comedy.

Great job, my good sir.

#7 · 121w, 6d ago · 4 · ·

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowkiss:

Oh, Fluttershy. "I like the bruiser." :yay::pinkiegasp:

#8 · 121w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

This...

Is...

...Glorious

#9 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh: Can't. Stop. Laughing!

#10 · 121w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

>"Which model do you use?" she stage whispered, "my favorite's the drippy dragon!"

…and I completely lost it.  Nearly shot tea out of nose too.  

#11 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Cool story! MOAR!!!

#12 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Goodness Friendly Uncle, if I laugh any harder I serious just might go belly up. You've outdone yourself again. Are you perchance a comedian in real life?

#13 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

And the prize for Best Use of Implicit Wingboners goes to...

Seriously, this was a masterpiece of awkwardness. Very well done.

#14 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

....... God

#15 · 121w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

>"So you see dear," said Twilight Sparkle's mother as she turned off the water, "that hot feeling is your wretched little body becoming full with the sin of unnatural lusts, and it's trying to make you do bad things with the colts.  That's why we have to resist those terrible urges because otherwise we catch horrible diseases and the princess in her infinite wisdom and judgement sends us to Pony Hell."

Holy shit I now have a headcanon for Twilight's parents

#16 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Wasn't a fan of Fluffershy, but this? This is magical.

#17 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

There's pony hell, and there's Rarity being the only sane one of the group.

Hmm, Eternal Night means cooling temperature, meaning lack of urge to reproduce naturally for all species and plants couldn't get sunlight to make food. Nightmare Moon thinks this will help her rule the world? It will probably turn the word into a wasteland instead!

#18 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

A FEW large cucumbers?!

Da-yum girl! :twilightoops:

This was an absolutely halarious story!

#19 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

I fell hints of Flutterdash everywhere... Fluttershy, in the act of rushing over to give Pinkie a hug, missed and ran into Rainbow Dash instead

#20 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

I'm gonna hire you as my personal doctor. Every single one of your stories earns me a few years worth of lifetime xD

#21 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Heh...that picture gets funnier the longer I look at it.:rainbowlaugh: Will read tonight.

#22 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

wait.. what's that smell?

EEEeeewww:rainbowlaugh:

#23 · 121w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

>>946466

...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :pinkiegasp::fluttercry::applecry::raritydespair:

#24 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

>>946721 Whats This Fear Thou Speaks Of?

#25 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

This. JUST THIS! OH...I was looking forward for 'the talk' but whatever this was just too much.

#26 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

So... awesome. :rainbowlaugh:

#27 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

You know that there are cucumbers in a number of episodes.:rainbowlaugh::raritywink::pinkiehappy:twilightsmile::twilightsheepish::twilightblush:

#28 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Am I going to pony hell?

#29 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

this was just to good

#30 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Absolutely awesome as always. I lol'd throughout.

Bravo, sir. :moustache:

#31 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

This was my favorite of your fanfiction work. Glad to see it up. A.nd once again, online when it came up.

#32 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Worth the laughs. Thanks for writing this :rainbowlaugh:

#33 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

I liked the Lewis Black jokes. A+ story.

#34 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

You have to pay for my funeral. I died laughing.

#35 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

I'm going straight to hell for liking this.

Oh well. Thumbs + Fav anyway.

#36 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

this has Luna in it

  fine will read it later

#37 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Oh my...

I ask you to imagine the deepest, most sensual voice you can imagine when reading the above phrase.  It adds to the comment quite nicely.

#38 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Part of me was really hoping for Twilight really not understanding the facts of life so the group would actually have to awkwardly explain the facts to her, but oh well, that was still hilarious.

#39 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Oh god this was hilarious. I was reading it out loud to my friend from across the room.

#40 · 121w, 6d ago · · 1 ·

"Yeah, you're making a cumulonimbus out of a cirrus" - That line alone earned this story a like in my books. :rainbowwild:

"that hot feeling is your wretched little body becoming full with the sin of unnatural lusts, and it's trying to make you do bad things with the colts." - I'm sorry, but if a mare trying to entice a stallion is considered an 'unnatural lust,' is there anything that would be considered a natural lust? Also, I know it's supposed to just be speculation, but I always pictured that Pinkie's Amish parents would be the most sexually repressive out of all the parents. :pinkiesad2:

"Rarity's gym teacher, a mare that appeared to have been hewn from solid granite..." "...they're going to try and put it in you. But you don't let 'em! That's for after they've put a ring on your hoof. They might try to do it anyway, and if they do then you're going to give 'em a little something I call 'the Ball Bucker'" - You lost a point with me for the confusing gym teacher. Based on her description, she sounded like the stereotypical 'butch lesbian gymteacher' who hates males. I've never found that trope funny. But as I read her dialog, I thought she might not be a lesbian. She advocated abstinence before marriage in a sex ed class, which is an extremely conservative position to hold. Then she acted out aggressively towards her male assistant coach. So she's a sadistic, conservative gymteacher, who might be a lesbian? Actually, let me give you back your lost point. You made me analyze this throw away character much more than I should have. That's got to count for something. Also, if they put the ring 'on' their hoof, wouldn't it technically be a bracelet?

Overall, a very solid fic. :twilightsmile:

#41 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

That... was... hilarious! :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

#42 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

>>946466 That, my friend is quite possibly the second scariest thing I've ever seen on the internet.

#43 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Hilarious, brilliant. I loved the little "imagine spots" throughout.

Two mistakes:

"Rarity commented as she lead the way" -- "led"

"Oh I know my parents were terribly loathe to broach the subject" -- "loath"

#44 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Damn, Celstia was hot!

I mean, really... causing a rather heavy waterfall to steam off of her? Impressive!

:trollestia::trollestia:

#45 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

I cracked up at every line.

#46 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA~!!!!

:trollestia:

#47 · 121w, 6d ago · 1 · ·

"Did my deodorant fail or something?" :rainbowlaugh: So many great moments in this story.  

#48 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Dude, isn't this your third featured story in a week?  Congrats, man.  That's just...unreal.

#50 · 121w, 6d ago · · ·

Sooooo Wrooooong. Yet Sooooooo Riiiiiiiight. I laughed so hard at this. GENIUS :rainbowwild:

Login or register to comment