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Miyajima

Joined July 2011
241 followers

Stories (9)

  • Binky Pie

    39,746 words · 9,612 views · 718 likes · 12 dislikes
  • Pony Shorts
    A collection of short stories about our favourite pastel-coloured Equines.
    16,433 words · 4,396 views · 248 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Fleurdeliser
    A short story exploring the life of the enigmatic Fleur-de-Lis.
    5,747 words · 12,628 views · 272 likes · 9 dislikes
  • Progress: Celestia vs. Time
    A side-story to Andrew Joshua Talon's 'Progress' series, exploring Celestia's own problems.
    3,422 words · 4,861 views · 120 likes · 3 dislikes
  • The Pony of the Opera
    33,540 words · 1,548 views · 94 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Rarity on a Ball: The FanFic
    299 words · 4,500 views · 111 likes · 3 dislikes
  • Fleurdeliser II: Redoublement
    7,294 words · 692 views · 71 likes · 2 dislikes
  • Remember, Remember...
    6,341 words · 1,591 views · 36 likes · 0 dislikes
  • Trix of the Trade
    14,596 words · 1,723 views · 54 likes · 4 dislikes

Blog Posts (18)


Fleur-de-Lis is, perhaps, most well known for her brief career as a model on Equestria's fashion scene, but there are surprising depths to this elegant unicorn that most never see.  This is a tale of a fateful evening in Canterlot, and a glimpse into the personality and character of a pony for whom good looks and grace are just the tip of the iceberg.

Image by Egophiliac.

First Published
6th Dec 2011
Last Modified
9th Dec 2011

Comments ( 95 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

This was a pleasure to read. That episode was amazing and the team should feel amazing, and so far everything that has come of it is amazing.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

To say I thoroughly enjoyed this would be an understatement. Brilliantly written, brilliant concept, and how on earth did you manage to do it so quickly after the airing of the episode? Brilliant little short story, and very much well worth the read.

Five stars. :scootangel:

#3 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

Simply amazing. Honestly if i'd read that without the replaced words like "everypony," I would of thought it came from a book!

#4 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

Whoa, really good, reminds me of a lot of novels, and i love how the ending let's you piece everything together

#5 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

  Yay more Fanfics for Fleur!  Excellent read my dear!

#6 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

Need more Fluer DeLis. If anything, she may be the new Luna.

#7 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

Awesome little story, here. Nice twists and turns with Fancy and Fleur.

#8 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

This was incredible. I stomp my hoof in admiration. Well played, indeed.

#9 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

:moustache: very nice I herby requisition more to be delivered at a constant allowance of one chapter a week

#10 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

I honestly thought this was where the episode was leading, until I realized Rarity already knew of Fancy-Pants.

#11 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

Ah, the thrill of the chase. :rainbowdetermined2:  No trinket, treasure, or worldly possession can ever equal the experience of obtaining it. And then putting it back :trollestia:

:yay::raritystarry: and :twilightsmile: for you Miyajima.  May your version of Fleur rise to dominance. :heart:

#12 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

So wait... she's a ponified Carmen Sandiago?

I heartily approve.

#13 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

JDISAHDFOH

OH MEE GEEEEEE

WAY TOO GOOD FOR WORDS!

THIS MUST BE FEATURED!

#14 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

We finally have a fic with the BG pony I named. :3!  Great stuff here!

#15 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 6d ago · · ·

Lovely story! I honestly didn't see the twist coming, but even before then, it was a really lovely depiction of the relationship between Fleur and Fancy Pants. I love your depiction of both characters. I can see why Fancy Pants likes her so much.

#16 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

EDIT 7/12:  Minor touch-ups to grammar and punctuation in response to reviews.

Thank you all for reading, I had quite a lot of fun writing this piece!

#17 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

I am very impressed. A short, easy and fun to read story with good plot twists and humorously high class character dialogue. Certainly deserves 5 stars

#18 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

Skara Bray...

I applaud you, sir! A most brilliant play on words, I must say! It appears you know your Celtic history.

Have you actually seen Skara Brae?

#19 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

>>55569

Sadly not 'in the flesh', but I'd quite like to.

#20 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

-Let's see... many names, skilled in high-society, generally poor skills at magic hide at least reasonable level of competency at counter-spells. Sounds like she might moonlight as a high-end undercover body-guard/chaste escort if Equestria needs any such. Or perhaps MIND-guard if using mind-influencing to nudge the reluctant into business deals is a concern. Yes, that sounds more likely in Equestria given that Twilight has used such things at least once (Want-it Need-it) and probably twice(Parasprites, although that may have ALSO included altering their physiology). This is half guess, half suggestion.

Some of these items are older than the monarchy itself!

-Diarchy(Duoarchy?) or Discordian time-frame?

And to think that soon we could even apply the technology to our airships, and have steam-driven flight!

-Steam driven propellers on a hot-air or hydrogen/helium zeppelin? Of course, just straight out using a steam ROCKET might save weight and not lose THAT much efficiency. I was going to limit it to hydrogen, but presumably Pinkie Pie uses helium in her balloons (although she could be using hydrogen if she doesn't mind them deflating faster or the flammability). Sorry if this is too much... I am a mechanical engineer by education and I tend to like a lot of details.

The Prince has leant us his personal airship, the Windfish, as a platform for our fireworks display!

-One can only hope the pyrotechnicians are both competent and able to resist direct orders that are unwise... (Helium also helps...)

This was the moment to act.  If she didn’t make her move now, she wouldn’t get another shot.

-Ah, I suppose that magical alarms are ALSO something that could be counter-spelled...

“And while I’m not exactly sure of what you plan to do with one of our nation’s priceless treasures, I know you well enough to be assured that no ill will come of it.”

-Agent of the Crown then is she? Checking security, or discretely arranging a more appropriate location for the artifact (which might have some power of significance to national security)? Or does he simply mean that he knows she wouldn't DAMAGE it in the theft and that it would be ransomed back (perhaps turned in for an anonymous "no questions asked" reward)?

Her horn lit up as she began a teleportation spell.

-I thought she flunked that class? Or maybe she just never got that far? Magical ability DOES tend to follow the Cutie-mark (although how three trefoils symbolizes theft I don't know... then again, such marks WOULD tend to be highly ambiguous in many cases...) and the courses of study at the university might follow fairly linear progressions (designed for unicorns whose talent IS magic).

-Ah, so just in it for the entertainment value then? Or is she employed by the Crown to keep people on their hoof-tips? Not that there is much difference necessarily in the basic motivations, the second simply removes the last naggings of conscience.

#21 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

>>55630

Fleur-de-Lis is Fleur-de-Lis.  I do have a sequel planned (actually, this was originally the introduction to that story, then it spiralled out of control), so a lot of this will be explored and explained later.

The monarchy comment I admit was an off-hand line that I didn't put much extra thought into, though given that this story is set before the show, she may be referring to the period of Celestia's sole rule as 'the monarchy' (making the items on display > 1000 years old).

Steam-powered airships... Well, I'm sure they'd think of some way of making it perfectly safe!  And with fireworks, a unicorn could, presumably, actually control the flight of a rocket (if they even have to use them, Trixie and Rarity have shown that unicorn magic itself can produce quite dazzling displays), so rockets hitting the balloon shouldn't be a concern.

Her motivations will, likewise, be explored in greater depth at a later date.  And yes, although she flunked nearly everything in the School for Gifted Unicorns, that doesn't mean she never learned. :raritywink:

#22 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

A simply amazing read. I applaud you, good sir!

#23 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

What an awesome read! :twilightsmile: I love it!

#24 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

did i read sequel ?

oh boy, i can't wait this is some great writing

keep it up :twilightsmile:

#25 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

Very well done. :D

#26 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

Sh- She's a thief?:rainbowhuh:

... Quaint.

#27 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

>>55573

As would I! I plan to visit the British Isles and see what my Celtic ancestors left behind. I myself am of Irish descent, but England was still Celtic, and I feel kinship with all native to the isles.

#28 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

>>55630  See, that's what I was thinking too. That she was doing it on a more "Up your security boys, if I can get in, so can anyone else with more motivation to keep it." Also, perhaps this firework's display or another is why we see Rarity launch a new one in this most recent episode.

That was a very enjoyable read. I struggled if I wanted to read it or not, considering her seemingly shallow appearance in the show, but I'm really glad I gave this a chance.

#29 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

Totally not what I expected, bravo.

#30 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

I really enjoyed this piece. I kinda wish Fleur is in the show a bit more, and revealed to have a similar personality I liked it so much.

#31 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

Dont get why she returned it, but this was nice

#32 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 5d ago · · ·

Absolutely beautiful! I loved this; shall be watching you carefully~! :raritywink:

#33 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

I was not expecting this. I saw the feature and dove into the story without reading the description (not something I normally do), So it was quite shocking when she slipped away from the crowd to make off with the Heart of Canterlot. This was a wonderful short story. It leaves me wanting more. :raritywink:

#34 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

Ordinarily, I would include a healthy balance of praise and constructive criticism in one of my typically eloquent critiques. Unfortunately, not only has my silver tongue been turned to clay by the subtle wit prevalent throughout this piece, there is nothing I could say that wouldn't be echoing several of the comments. I admit, I was a tad thrown off by the portrayal of Fleur as a cat(pony?) burglar, but in a bizarre way, it actually makes sense.

And now for my rating. This story deserves no less than a well-deserved (and might I say quite rare) five stars. I hope to see more in the future, although by no means rush yourself on my account. I'm just a faithful reader, after all.

:moustache:

#35 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

An enjoyable read, I can not wait to see more!

#36 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

This was an excellent story.

However, your dialogue punctuation is all wrong.

Do it like this:

"I "

#37 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

FIMfic ate my last post. Have some links instead.

http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html

http://www.theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/

#38 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

Did not expect her to be a master jewel thief. I suppose next you'll be telling me that she is also a government spy...

#39 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

Aside from a spelling and grammar mistake or two (I don't feel like digging them out, but they were minor), the mechanics were fine. The conversation between Fleur and Fancy Pants on the balcony seemed very trite. You didn't need to say they laughed every other sentence. That got a little annoying to read.

I honestly didn't see how Fleur's conversation with the Prince was that different from her conversation with Fancy. You could have played up the Prince's pompousness more, but I think you did a good job with him. In fact, I think you did a good job of characterization in general for this. From the portrayal of Equestria's high society, to the professor, you established the background well, and made this cool to read. I also think you handled the "old-friend" relationship between Fancy and Fleur especially well, too.

One last bit of advice: When writing dialogue, if you put a thought in between a dialogue action by saying who's speaking, or describing an action taken while speaking, you need to put a comma before the end quotation mark. For example: "I gave him a grammar tip," he said, "and I hope he retains the knowledge."

The way you used it was like this: "I showed him the error" he said "and I hope he learns from it."

Not a really bad thing, but if you want to write a novel someday, it's important to know. And I do hope you write a novel someday, because I would certainly buy it.

Thanks for the good read, and I look forward to your next story.

#40 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

Gahh, I was reading the comments hoping for someone to explain the story but I guess it seems like I'm the only one who doesn,t understand the ending. :applejackunsure: great read nonetheless, I just don't understand the open ended conclusion

#41 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

Bronies: we now have an official spy pony. CONGRATS! the trickery and heists of Fleurdelis have just begun!

#42 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 4d ago · · ·

>>58222

I'm afraid you'll have to point it out, I really can't see where I've gone wrong there.

>>58264

Same as above, on punctuation.  The conversation on the balcony originally had less of "he said"/"she said", but one feedback I got was that they found it difficult to keep track of who was saying what, so I went back and added that in.  Mentally I tend to filter out any "he said"/"she said" bits tacked onto the end of dialogue when I'm reading, so perhaps I just didn't notice it myself when I went through.

That aside, I find it mildly disappointing that the only two critical comments come from anonymous commenters.  I'm a nice guy, did you think I'd explode in rage that you'd found a typo? :twilightsheepish:

#43 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

>>58569

I just like calling myself the Dialogue Avenger, and couldn't be bothered to make an account to do so. Also I can't log in from this phone...

Anyway, fixes!

“Barding.”  she said, voice level, as one peer to

another.

SHOULD BE

“Barding,” she said, voice level, as one peer to

another.

Dialogue preceding a variant on "said x"/"x said" must never end in a period. Commas are good, as are exclamation marks and questions marks. "said x" must never be capitalised, not even when you're using a question/exclamation mark.

Apply those rules to all your dialogue and you should be fine.

Also, I've just noticed that you double-space after periods. That's really old-fashioned. Please stop.

http://www.slate.com/id/2281146/

#44 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

>>58621

Ah, I see.  I think in this case I'll just agree to disagree.  As much as I'm a stickler for grammar myself, if the sentence is complete (such as in the simple statement-yet-fragment "Barding."), then I just feel it's more aesthetically pleasing to see a full stop instead of a comma.  I do get your point, however.  As for double-spacing after a sentence... Old habits die hard, and again, I prefer the look of it.  You can also blame my secondary school teacher beating that into me. :raritywink:

#45 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

>>58637

Having said all that, I'll keep an eye on it.  To explain my logic on these matters, personally I will always rigidly hold to some grammar rules (proper capitalization, proper use of major punctuation; the full stop, comma, exclamation mark, question mark, quotations, speech, parentheses, etc.), but view others as a bit more... give-and-take.

For example, the review of this story from the EqD pre-readers cited my abundant use of ellipses as a reason for its initial rejection, under the (older) grammatical rules that an ellipsis should only indicate a trailing into silence, or the omission of text or an idea.  However, a common modern-day use for the ellipsis is the 'pregnant pause', also known as the 'comic book ellipsis', where it indicates a longer pause than a simple comma, or a pause with intent to speak.  I'm quite fond of this usage, I'll admit, since (at least to me) it helps me read the 'flow' of conversation better.

The dividing line for me is basically how it looks.  If I prefer the look of one way over another, I'll use that, but if, in another place, the older rule 'works' better, I'll use it.  We should never be tempted to say "this is how it works, end of conversation", as the language is a living, evolving thing.

What's important is being clearly understood, not necessarily being 'right'.

... Unless your publisher refuses to print you because of that, of course, but then paycheck trumps principles. :raritywink:

#46 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

>>58653

You are tearing me apart. I do not mind your ellipses use (it makes sense), but dayum, those periods in dialogue... oh wow... *twitch*

Language is alive, sure, but I really think that you need to have very good reasons for breaking from convention if you're going to do so. I believe in learning rules and understanding them fully before I smash them to pieces, and only doing so if it is unavoidable.

Periods at the end of dialogue break the flow, in my opinion. They sever the link between the dialogue and the said-tag, leaving the latter to drift away helplessly.

If you really like them so much, do this.

"Barding," she said. "Blah blah blah."

Or this:

"Barding," she said, "blah blah blah."

(depending on whether the two halves should form a single sentence or not)

(obviously not when characters shouldn't say anything more than their first bit of dialogue)

Double-spacing really only makes text look better if it's in Courier or typed up on a mechanical typewriter. As the article I linked to said, it disrupts flow and leaves your text full of holes. Also, your typing fingers will thank you for breaking that habit.

You like the flow of dialogue? I like the flow of all writing. That's why I uphold these rules.

But hey, whatever you wanna do, man. I'll just copy-paste your stuff into a Word document and do a find-and-replace or something.

#47 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

Oh, I'm not shy, I just don't feel like creating an account to post. :P

Basically what Dialogue Avenger said. It's your choice, but the convention is to stay up to date on grammar rules, and stick with them. Are conventional grammar rules important for a fanfic on a website? Not really. It would just barely make the story a tad more enjoyable to read if you'd done things the right way, and only because I wouldn't have my reading interrupted by little mistakes. So do what you feel like, but make sure you have a good reason for breaking from convention.

As for the spelling mistakes, they were very minor, and most readers probably wouldn’t notice them.

- “I say, do you remember the sensation you caused that year when you turned up the derby without a hat?” he began, after a moment’s recollection. -

I assume you meant to say turned UP to the derby.

- “They treat me like I’m some sort of... well.  Some sort of princess, honestly.” -

This one’s pretty subjective too, but a grammar nazi would point out that there should be a comma after the well instead of a period.

- Yes-Mares -

Idioms and expressions aren’t proper nouns, so it doesn’t make sense to capitalize them. This is fiction, though, so you can get away with saying “Yes-Mares are a widely recognized  type of pony in Equestria, so their name ought to be capitalized.”

Like I said, very minor mistakes that you don’t need to be bothered changing, but reviewing through the eyes of a grammar nazi can only help. I’m sure there’s a few more minor hiccups like the ones above, but I’d be here all day if I picked out each one, and none of them would make your story more than 20% cooler anyhow. :P

#48 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

Ah, here I am criticizing your story, and I didn't even proofread my own post.

I meant so say that you didn't add in a 'to' when Fancy Pants said "when you turned up the derby"

I also meant to say that fixing those minor mistakes wouldn't make the story any more than 20% cooler.

Terribly sorry, mate.

#49 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

>>58846

S'alright, admittedly that error slipped past me despite re-reading at least five times by now.

#50 · Chapter 1 · 137w, 3d ago · · ·

Excellent story. Loved it. :twilightsmile: But will somepony explain to me what was happening at the end..? :derpytongue2:

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