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Fleur-de-Lis is, perhaps, most well known for her brief career as a model on Equestria's fashion scene, but there are surprising depths to this elegant unicorn that most never see. This is a tale of a fateful evening in Canterlot, and a glimpse into the personality and character of a pony for whom good looks and grace are just the tip of the iceberg.
Image by Egophiliac.
To say I thoroughly enjoyed this would be an understatement. Brilliantly written, brilliant concept, and how on earth did you manage to do it so quickly after the airing of the episode? Brilliant little short story, and very much well worth the read.
Five stars. 
-Let's see... many names, skilled in high-society, generally poor skills at magic hide at least reasonable level of competency at counter-spells. Sounds like she might moonlight as a high-end undercover body-guard/chaste escort if Equestria needs any such. Or perhaps MIND-guard if using mind-influencing to nudge the reluctant into business deals is a concern. Yes, that sounds more likely in Equestria given that Twilight has used such things at least once (Want-it Need-it) and probably twice(Parasprites, although that may have ALSO included altering their physiology). This is half guess, half suggestion.
Some of these items are older than the monarchy itself!
-Diarchy(Duoarchy?) or Discordian time-frame?
And to think that soon we could even apply the technology to our airships, and have steam-driven flight!
-Steam driven propellers on a hot-air or hydrogen/helium zeppelin? Of course, just straight out using a steam ROCKET might save weight and not lose THAT much efficiency. I was going to limit it to hydrogen, but presumably Pinkie Pie uses helium in her balloons (although she could be using hydrogen if she doesn't mind them deflating faster or the flammability). Sorry if this is too much... I am a mechanical engineer by education and I tend to like a lot of details.
The Prince has leant us his personal airship, the Windfish, as a platform for our fireworks display!
-One can only hope the pyrotechnicians are both competent and able to resist direct orders that are unwise... (Helium also helps...)
This was the moment to act. If she didn’t make her move now, she wouldn’t get another shot.
-Ah, I suppose that magical alarms are ALSO something that could be counter-spelled...
“And while I’m not exactly sure of what you plan to do with one of our nation’s priceless treasures, I know you well enough to be assured that no ill will come of it.”
-Agent of the Crown then is she? Checking security, or discretely arranging a more appropriate location for the artifact (which might have some power of significance to national security)? Or does he simply mean that he knows she wouldn't DAMAGE it in the theft and that it would be ransomed back (perhaps turned in for an anonymous "no questions asked" reward)?
Her horn lit up as she began a teleportation spell.
-I thought she flunked that class? Or maybe she just never got that far? Magical ability DOES tend to follow the Cutie-mark (although how three trefoils symbolizes theft I don't know... then again, such marks WOULD tend to be highly ambiguous in many cases...) and the courses of study at the university might follow fairly linear progressions (designed for unicorns whose talent IS magic).
-Ah, so just in it for the entertainment value then? Or is she employed by the Crown to keep people on their hoof-tips? Not that there is much difference necessarily in the basic motivations, the second simply removes the last naggings of conscience.
Fleur-de-Lis is Fleur-de-Lis. I do have a sequel planned (actually, this was originally the introduction to that story, then it spiralled out of control), so a lot of this will be explored and explained later.
The monarchy comment I admit was an off-hand line that I didn't put much extra thought into, though given that this story is set before the show, she may be referring to the period of Celestia's sole rule as 'the monarchy' (making the items on display > 1000 years old).
Steam-powered airships... Well, I'm sure they'd think of some way of making it perfectly safe! And with fireworks, a unicorn could, presumably, actually control the flight of a rocket (if they even have to use them, Trixie and Rarity have shown that unicorn magic itself can produce quite dazzling displays), so rockets hitting the balloon shouldn't be a concern.
Her motivations will, likewise, be explored in greater depth at a later date. And yes, although she flunked nearly everything in the School for Gifted Unicorns, that doesn't mean she never learned. 
>>55630 See, that's what I was thinking too. That she was doing it on a more "Up your security boys, if I can get in, so can anyone else with more motivation to keep it." Also, perhaps this firework's display or another is why we see Rarity launch a new one in this most recent episode.
That was a very enjoyable read. I struggled if I wanted to read it or not, considering her seemingly shallow appearance in the show, but I'm really glad I gave this a chance.
I was not expecting this. I saw the feature and dove into the story without reading the description (not something I normally do), So it was quite shocking when she slipped away from the crowd to make off with the Heart of Canterlot. This was a wonderful short story. It leaves me wanting more.
Ordinarily, I would include a healthy balance of praise and constructive criticism in one of my typically eloquent critiques. Unfortunately, not only has my silver tongue been turned to clay by the subtle wit prevalent throughout this piece, there is nothing I could say that wouldn't be echoing several of the comments. I admit, I was a tad thrown off by the portrayal of Fleur as a cat(pony?) burglar, but in a bizarre way, it actually makes sense.
And now for my rating. This story deserves no less than a well-deserved (and might I say quite rare) five stars. I hope to see more in the future, although by no means rush yourself on my account. I'm just a faithful reader, after all.
Aside from a spelling and grammar mistake or two (I don't feel like digging them out, but they were minor), the mechanics were fine. The conversation between Fleur and Fancy Pants on the balcony seemed very trite. You didn't need to say they laughed every other sentence. That got a little annoying to read.
I honestly didn't see how Fleur's conversation with the Prince was that different from her conversation with Fancy. You could have played up the Prince's pompousness more, but I think you did a good job with him. In fact, I think you did a good job of characterization in general for this. From the portrayal of Equestria's high society, to the professor, you established the background well, and made this cool to read. I also think you handled the "old-friend" relationship between Fancy and Fleur especially well, too.
One last bit of advice: When writing dialogue, if you put a thought in between a dialogue action by saying who's speaking, or describing an action taken while speaking, you need to put a comma before the end quotation mark. For example: "I gave him a grammar tip," he said, "and I hope he retains the knowledge."
The way you used it was like this: "I showed him the error" he said "and I hope he learns from it."
Not a really bad thing, but if you want to write a novel someday, it's important to know. And I do hope you write a novel someday, because I would certainly buy it.
Thanks for the good read, and I look forward to your next story.
I'm afraid you'll have to point it out, I really can't see where I've gone wrong there.
Same as above, on punctuation. The conversation on the balcony originally had less of "he said"/"she said", but one feedback I got was that they found it difficult to keep track of who was saying what, so I went back and added that in. Mentally I tend to filter out any "he said"/"she said" bits tacked onto the end of dialogue when I'm reading, so perhaps I just didn't notice it myself when I went through.
That aside, I find it mildly disappointing that the only two critical comments come from anonymous commenters. I'm a nice guy, did you think I'd explode in rage that you'd found a typo? 
I just like calling myself the Dialogue Avenger, and couldn't be bothered to make an account to do so. Also I can't log in from this phone...
Anyway, fixes!
“Barding.” she said, voice level, as one peer to
another.
SHOULD BE
“Barding,” she said, voice level, as one peer to
another.
Dialogue preceding a variant on "said x"/"x said" must never end in a period. Commas are good, as are exclamation marks and questions marks. "said x" must never be capitalised, not even when you're using a question/exclamation mark.
Apply those rules to all your dialogue and you should be fine.
Also, I've just noticed that you double-space after periods. That's really old-fashioned. Please stop.
http://www.slate.com/id/2281146/
Ah, I see. I think in this case I'll just agree to disagree. As much as I'm a stickler for grammar myself, if the sentence is complete (such as in the simple statement-yet-fragment "Barding."), then I just feel it's more aesthetically pleasing to see a full stop instead of a comma. I do get your point, however. As for double-spacing after a sentence... Old habits die hard, and again, I prefer the look of it. You can also blame my secondary school teacher beating that into me.
Having said all that, I'll keep an eye on it. To explain my logic on these matters, personally I will always rigidly hold to some grammar rules (proper capitalization, proper use of major punctuation; the full stop, comma, exclamation mark, question mark, quotations, speech, parentheses, etc.), but view others as a bit more... give-and-take.
For example, the review of this story from the EqD pre-readers cited my abundant use of ellipses as a reason for its initial rejection, under the (older) grammatical rules that an ellipsis should only indicate a trailing into silence, or the omission of text or an idea. However, a common modern-day use for the ellipsis is the 'pregnant pause', also known as the 'comic book ellipsis', where it indicates a longer pause than a simple comma, or a pause with intent to speak. I'm quite fond of this usage, I'll admit, since (at least to me) it helps me read the 'flow' of conversation better.
The dividing line for me is basically how it looks. If I prefer the look of one way over another, I'll use that, but if, in another place, the older rule 'works' better, I'll use it. We should never be tempted to say "this is how it works, end of conversation", as the language is a living, evolving thing.
What's important is being clearly understood, not necessarily being 'right'.
... Unless your publisher refuses to print you because of that, of course, but then paycheck trumps principles.
You are tearing me apart. I do not mind your ellipses use (it makes sense), but dayum, those periods in dialogue... oh wow... *twitch*
Language is alive, sure, but I really think that you need to have very good reasons for breaking from convention if you're going to do so. I believe in learning rules and understanding them fully before I smash them to pieces, and only doing so if it is unavoidable.
Periods at the end of dialogue break the flow, in my opinion. They sever the link between the dialogue and the said-tag, leaving the latter to drift away helplessly.
If you really like them so much, do this.
"Barding," she said. "Blah blah blah."
Or this:
"Barding," she said, "blah blah blah."
(depending on whether the two halves should form a single sentence or not)
(obviously not when characters shouldn't say anything more than their first bit of dialogue)
Double-spacing really only makes text look better if it's in Courier or typed up on a mechanical typewriter. As the article I linked to said, it disrupts flow and leaves your text full of holes. Also, your typing fingers will thank you for breaking that habit.
You like the flow of dialogue? I like the flow of all writing. That's why I uphold these rules.
But hey, whatever you wanna do, man. I'll just copy-paste your stuff into a Word document and do a find-and-replace or something.
Oh, I'm not shy, I just don't feel like creating an account to post. :P
Basically what Dialogue Avenger said. It's your choice, but the convention is to stay up to date on grammar rules, and stick with them. Are conventional grammar rules important for a fanfic on a website? Not really. It would just barely make the story a tad more enjoyable to read if you'd done things the right way, and only because I wouldn't have my reading interrupted by little mistakes. So do what you feel like, but make sure you have a good reason for breaking from convention.
As for the spelling mistakes, they were very minor, and most readers probably wouldn’t notice them.
- “I say, do you remember the sensation you caused that year when you turned up the derby without a hat?” he began, after a moment’s recollection. -
I assume you meant to say turned UP to the derby.
- “They treat me like I’m some sort of... well. Some sort of princess, honestly.” -
This one’s pretty subjective too, but a grammar nazi would point out that there should be a comma after the well instead of a period.
- Yes-Mares -
Idioms and expressions aren’t proper nouns, so it doesn’t make sense to capitalize them. This is fiction, though, so you can get away with saying “Yes-Mares are a widely recognized type of pony in Equestria, so their name ought to be capitalized.”
Like I said, very minor mistakes that you don’t need to be bothered changing, but reviewing through the eyes of a grammar nazi can only help. I’m sure there’s a few more minor hiccups like the ones above, but I’d be here all day if I picked out each one, and none of them would make your story more than 20% cooler anyhow. :P
Ah, here I am criticizing your story, and I didn't even proofread my own post.
I meant so say that you didn't add in a 'to' when Fancy Pants said "when you turned up the derby"
I also meant to say that fixing those minor mistakes wouldn't make the story any more than 20% cooler.
Terribly sorry, mate.
Oh you simply must write more of her. Come on, this is magic in a flask, it is 'potion' in an Erlenmeyer, it is excellent. Any author would be proud to have such a good premise; you got there first, and you do it fantastically well.
Run with it. I implore you.
Excellent update! I thought this fic was going to be a one-shot, since it didn't feel like there was much left to write. I'm glad I was wrong.
I really wish I could offer some critique, but I got nothing. The way you give the environment detail is flawless.
If there was an "Just read the fic moron" rating on the site, I'd choose that.
I like how you wrote an epilogue, and I (along with many others I assume) am hoping for a continuation of this story. But don't make extra chapters just because a lot of people request it. That should be something you do only if you want to. Besides, the original story had a really nice open ended and mysterious ending that made me crave more but I liked a lot. 
And thus does the fandom receive two more background ponies to endlessly characterize and write fics about.
I truly think this version of Fleur (or Trophi, as some call her), and of Fancy Pants, will forever reside in that upper echelon of background character fanon right alongside Vinyl Scratch and Octavia, Lyra and Bon Bon, Fluttermac, what-have-you.
Great story... and why is everyone typing most of their comments in a fancy high society vernacular?
One of the things that sets this story apart is its subtlety and build up. On the face of it, it's a simple story . . . an elegant social event, a conversation between two ponies. No explosions, villains, or dangers, aside from the possibility of being bored to death by Blueblood and the professor of antiquities. Yet from the very beginning there are undercurrents between Fleur and Barding that keep the reader engaged. I love their relationship, as old friends who are clearly something more, yet no one (including the two of them) is sure how much more. Bravo, sir, bravo.
... Barding? Well, that was unexpected.
The story is very well written, it was as if I was reading a novel instead of a fan fic. The way you built up the story, the plot, it was just amazing. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I just wish I would have read this sooner, it's brilliant! Five stars!
Well, that was delightful to read. Really funny, especially the touchés. Got a nice relationship going between Fancy and Fleur. And that nickname (which I had to google, actually) was awesome.
The epilogue certainly adds some clarity. I had first thought she had decided to keep Fancypants over the heart. Now... well, pony's gotta have a hobby. Collecting rare, priceless stuff sure qualifies.
I left a comment on the EQD page for this fic when it was posted there way-back-when, but I'll post again with some elabroation as to why this is still one of my favorite fics of all-time, now that I've read it a second time,
-Most of the ponies in the room would have known her from her brief, but highly lucrative, modelling career. A few of the older and more artistically inclined may have recognised her as an ex-ballet dancer from the Canterlot Opera House’s troupe. The Professor of Antiquities would, perhaps with a little prompting, have remembered her as the one student in Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns who failed every class except counter spells.
I, for one, love this characterization of Fleur. It seems perfectly fitting.
-Fancy Pants said, waving a hoof in that way that nearly everypony does when ordering food or drink, despite offering no useful purpose at all.
Great line, right there. It does wonders of making the story feel believable!
-“I have to say, Fleur, I did miss your company while you were off in Prance.
Ha! :D
-They looked at one another, faces perfectly straight, and slowly broke into matching grins, before bursting out laughing, gathering a few strange looks from the other guests.
This entire interaction was very enjoyable to read. You did a fantastic job with the dialogue all throughout. :D
-"Fortunately she saw the funny side of it.”
“Ah yes, our Princess is well-renowned for her... rousing sense of humour.
Yay for fun-yet-not-excessive chactarization of Princess Celestia! It's a big turn-off for me when authors wrtie her off as a complete troll. This was a small detail, but nonetheless quite welcome.
-[L]egend had it that the city of Canterlot had been founded after the renowned wizard Starswirl the Bearded becalmed two warring dragons living on the mountain, a white one in the cloud-covered peaks, and a rust-red one dwelling in the caverns beneath. As a testament to their truce, they had both taken a prize gemstone from their hoards, and through the combined force of their flames forged them into this single, magnificent diamond, the Heart of Canterlot.
Neat backstory here!
Now, there were one of two mistakes I noticed here and there. One being a minor yet repeated error that occured throughout the second half of the story:
-“I thought I was making it painfully obvious, this evening.” He replied.
If my grammatical memory serves, the period after 'evening' should be a comma, as the dialogue is followed by a speaking term - in this case 'said'.
Also:
-“Hexed, man? What are you babbling about?”
'Man'? :P
(Whatever. Tiny nitpick is tiny. I do like the dialogue style. Helps to establish the aristocratic and slightly English-feeling atmosphere of Canterlot.)
Overall, the mood and concept of this story was very interesting. The characterization was spot-on, and the backstory for Fleur has been the most welcome of all the fics involving her I've yet read - Something I take inspiration from in my own writing of the mare.
I'm incredibly excited that a sequel has arrived. It's why I re-read this - To refresh my memory of the canon so I'll be ready for Part II!
This story is definitely something I come back to for inspiration, and some very enjoyable reading.
I think that point with speech, full stops and commas is something I'm never going to get right, and I've certainly tried. It's got the point where I've almost ceased to care about trying. The dialogue's perfectly comprehensible either way, after all. 
As for 'man', well... He's talking to a male pony, and I presume they still have the words 'man' and 'woman', even if more rarely used. I dunno, it just sounded right in my head.
I'm very glad you enjoy the story, however. Fleurdeliser was probably the first time I'd had to write extended dialogue (even in Binky Pie, dialogue is rarely as long as that) and as 'small talk' rather than discussing a major plot point. It was challenging, to say the least, especially since I had to stick fairly rigidly to Fancy Pants characterisation, while having essentially free reign with Fleur's (although I did try to not contradict her in-show appearance. Not sure how well I succeeded, given she hardly comes across as 'ditzy' in the story).
Strictly speaking, the story ends in chapter one, I wrote the second as an epilogue to explain exactly what she did with the Heart of Canterlot, and to demonstrate her motive. It is designed to segue into the second story, however, which I intend to explain more clearly why Fleur is as she is.
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No trinket, treasure, or worldly possession can ever equal the experience of obtaining it. And then putting it back 
and 
, but still great work! hope to see more!
I can dig it.
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