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CarlG

Joined August 2011
2 followers

Stories (1)

  • Evaporation

    3,138 words · 2,805 views · 18 likes · 3 dislikes
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2,805


"Fluttershy! When I say now, flip that switch!" Commanded Twilight. Trixie was standing in the corner, bored. Twilight had some wires attached to her horn. Fluttershy was standing next to a large lever. 'high voltage' it said.

Twilight was concentrating crazily. Fluttershy was whimpering. Trixie, still bored, neighed "Hurry up already...". Chanting, Twilight's eyes glowed...

--AN--

Lazy me is lazy. School doesn't allow much free time.

First Published
22nd Aug 2011
Last Modified
30th Oct 2011

Comments ( 7 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 163w, 1d ago · · ·

:fluttershysad:

I don't usually like saying it, but I just don't like the story as it currently stands.  Here's why:

The writing style was very incoherent and abrupt, and there were lots of grammar/formatting mistakes that really threw me.

  ex:

Twilight currently thought ‘Well this is great, I have Fluttershy stuck in my body. Sorry Fluttershy, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings’ ‘Oh, that’s all right,  you can act like I’m not here…’ Trixie was SO rude and mean sometimes. Gladly, she was being a bit nicer this time. She wasn’t calling Twilight or Fluttershy derogatory names. Not trying to show anyone up. Lastly (and best of all), she was being a help. Twilight was starting to feel a friendship begin to grow between them. The first time they had met, Twilight really hated Trixie. Such a show-off, jerky, meany. Lied about defeating an ursa major, and continued to try and say that she had. Nopony has ever defeated an ursa major single handedly. As far as anypony knows, only Twilight has ever defeated even an ursa minor single handedly.

  In that paragraph, each different character speaking should get their own paragraph.  Also, the topic goes right smack from Fluttershy to Trixie, cold turkey, no lead-in at all.  Then there was a random sentence "Twilight started to feel a friendship between them" that didn't fit with the rest of the paragraph.  Also, I seriously doubt Twilight would call somepony a "meany"; that seems more Pinkie Pie-ish.  Lastly, the last sentence is only mildly relevent to the paragraph's topic.

Those are the types of problems that I see throughout the story.

Another minor issue, would Fluttershy suddenly know about the wire, even after she didn't notice it at first?  It seems a little too convenient.:trixieshiftleft:

Keep in mind that I am saying these things because I like the story's premise and I would like to see it continued, although with a few issues addressed.  :pinkiesmile:

#2 · Chapter 1 · 163w, 1d ago · · ·

>>1501

Ah, I forgot; The sentence "Twilight felt a friendship growing between them" is much too forceful on the part of the author.  I have a nice piece of advice that I learned the hard way:  "Show, don't tell."  If there is a friendship developing, then show the audience through dialogue and the actions of the characters, rather than simply saying it is so.  

#3 · Chapter 1 · 162w, 4d ago · · ·

>>1502

Thanks for the criticism. As I am only 13, I don't expect to be the best. I honestly STINK at writing. (Go barely passing 4th and 8th grade because of my terrible writing skills)

I am planning on reformatting everything because i agree, it IS unorganized. but, ive seen worse.

#4 · Chapter 1 · 161w, 2d ago · · ·

This version is much better, in my opinion.  It flows pretty well, although grammar still needs some work.

""Fluttershy! When I say now, flip that switch!"

Commanded Twilight. Trixie was standing in the corner, bored. Twilight had some wires attached to her horn. Fluttershy was standing next to a large lever. 'HIGH VOLTAGE' it said."

One thing is that if you're describing how something was said (in this case, the 'commanded twilight' part, it should be on the same line as the said phrase:

"Fluttershy!  When I say now, flip that switch!"  commanded Twilight.

It would still be okay grammatically to include the rest of the paragraph with that, although in this particular case I think the flow would be helped by keeping it separate, like you have, just moving the 'commanded twilight' part up.

Well, that was far too much text for one point.  :fluttershysad:

Anyway, the part with Fluttershy knowing about electricity seemed really deus ex machina.  It IS believeable, but I think improbable.  That kind of analysis might be more likely if it came from Twilight (maybe after Fluttershy tells her that she brushed up against a wire?)

While it has come a long way, there is still room for improvement.  Keep it up! :twilightsmile:

#5 · Chapter 1 · 161w, 2d ago · · ·

>>2330

Thanks again! Although improbable, who woulda guessed she knew sewing?

#6 · Chapter 1 · 157w, 6d ago · · ·

i was going to mzke a story like this but they all switch bodies because of twilight most stories like this are because of twilight and i was laughing at fluttershy when suddenly she knew alot about electricity

#7 · Chapter 2 · 151w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4663

Thanks! (i think?)

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