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  • E Trains, Carriages and Airships

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  • T Maybe

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  • E Rest Stop

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  • T When the Curtain Falls

    An incident in a Manehattan theater quickly draws secret agents Vinyl Scratch and Octavia into a hunt for a strange killer.
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  • T The West Is Not Enough

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Blog Posts188

  • 1w, 3d
    Well, that was fun

    So now that things have calmed down a bit and the dust has settled, let’s talk about what just happened here.

    I’ve been teasing the idea of doing some sort of second-person HiE clop trollfic for a while now, and it’s mainly because of the Suffer series. After reading so much clop on the feature box, grumbling over its tired clichés and tropes, and idly wondering what gets into the box and why, the allure of trying it for myself became irresistible. Just for a moment, I would cast aside any pretenses of quality or respectability and shamelessly embody “The Player” that I had spoken of.

    I mean, come on. If I’m gonna keep talking about this stuff, I might as well try it for myself, right? Plus there was just the fun of poking fun at all these easily mockable tropes. Good times!

    When I posted the fic, there were three things I was hoping for:

    1) Get on the feature box. Check. (Though this was mainly so that I could…)

    2) ”Suffer” my own story. Check. (This was the most important one to me. When all is said and done, I have a feeling that the crowning achievement of the Suffer series will have been the excuse to utter the phrase “The Feature Box Suffers John Perry.”)

    3) And finally: Force RainbowBob to suffer my story. Ch– Oh. Hmm.

    Well, two out of three ain’t bad! There were also a couple of things to come out of this story that I hadn’t expected, but that I loved: one was finding out that Sethisto had read it, and the other was seeing this fic get more downvotes than the rest of my stories combined.

    Actually, let’s talk about those downvotes for a moment. I have literally never seen a worse upvote/downvote ratio in the feature box than my fic. I’ve been told 1 to 1 has happened in the past, and I believe it, but the worse I had personally witnessed was in the ballpark of 2 to 1 (2 upvotes to 1 downvote). When my fic was in the box, it was around 1.8 to 1. (As of writing, it’s dropped down to around 1.4 to 1.)

    And I love it. While it doesn’t exactly speak well to the mechanisms of the feature box that such a poorly received fic managed to remain in the box, I can’t help but take heart in the fact that so many people saw this premise and immediately went “NO.” Which isn’t to say that everyone who downvoted it did so without reading it; there were plenty of people who went in expecting clop and were disappointed to be reading a trollfic, or who were put off by the overt crudeness of the fic (fair enough; it definitely isn’t for everyone). But there were undoubtedly a lot of people who downvoted on sight, probably without realizing what this thing was.

    And to be fair, it looks like a clopfic from the cover. Most people on FIMFiction wouldn’t recognize my name, and if you don’t know any of my other work (namely the Suffer series) there’s probably no way you could have known that it was meant in jest.

    So kudos to those who tried their darndest to keep this blatant piece of feature bait off the feature box. But I think what we’ve learned is that downvoting en masse is a terrible way to try to keep something off the box. It might be more effective to just ignore it and hope it falls off the box due to lack of “heat”.

    So now that that’s over with, I return to my normal suffering of the feature box. I’ve had my fun, and now I’m at least one step closer to understanding the strange mistress that is the feature box.

    A big thank you to all you guys for indulging me in my insanity. Kudos all around!

    12 comments · 281 views
  • 1w, 5d
    The Feature Box Suffers John Perry

    12 comments · 341 views
  • 1w, 5d
    SEX! ...And now that I have your attention: SEX!!!

    You know, after you read enough clop in the feature box, re-reading the same tropes and even what feel like the exact same lines over and over again, at some point you start thinking, "Well, shit. I could do this."

    So, uh... I did it.

    Okay, strictly speaking, it's a clopfic parody, but make no mistake: there's clop. And if you're not feeling too squeamish, I would be most appreciative if you could drop whatever you're doing, right this second, and read/like it. If you like, you can think of it as one of my Suffer reviews of a clopfic... but much longer and in the form of a story.

    Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present my single greatest piece of feature bait...

    Rainbow Dash Gets You Laid

    (Link goes to my recent stories page, since this might be too hot to link directly to in a blog!)

    In other news, in case you haven't already seen it, the Royal Canterlot Library did an "Ask Us Anything" post to celebrate the group's first anniversary, and we got a lot of great questions. Some of them are specific to the RCL, although there were some questions addressed more to the individual curators, so if you want to see more ramblings from me, along with noted reviewers Chris, Present Perfect, and horizon, go check that out.

    But you know, after you read the clopfic, obviously.

    8 comments · 231 views
  • ...

It is a well-known fact that no one gets through the holiday season without seeing at least half a dozen parodies of the classic Charles Dickens tale A Christmas Carol (and that's assuming you don't read the original story).  This is one more of those parodies.  'Tis a tale of Hearth's Warming past, present and future!  A tale which makes a fair amount of assumptions about this holiday which are sure to be demolished by the canon story we'll get in the actual Hearth's Warming episode.  Thou hast been warned.

First Published
6th Dec 2011
Last Modified
6th Dec 2011
#1 · 150w, 2d ago · · ·

Wow, I have the time to read something this long right now, but what I've read is good! Awesome job!

#2 · 150w, 2d ago · · ·

This is a very heart warming tale about christmas wrapped up with princess luna! :heart:

well done~ :pinkiehappy:

#3 · 150w, 2d ago · · ·

The Woona who stole Hearth's Warming Eve.

But seriously, a good ponified interpretation of the story.

#4 · 150w, 2d ago · · ·

Colt. Pipsqueak is a colt. A filly is a young female pony.

#5 · 150w, 2d ago · · ·

Great story! I loved it :heart:

:trollestia: - Princess Celestia is awesome in this story :rainbowwild:

#6 · 150w, 1d ago · · ·

>>53662 Ah, thank you for catching that! All fixed now.

#7 · 150w, 1d ago · · ·

I don't know, I think Luna kinda has a point here. In particular, 'You can't replace the big tree! That's a tradition that's been going on for generations!' seems kind of silly when Luna's attempting to replace it with a tradition that's even older.

Also, lol at Key Ton and Coltroy.

#8 · 150w, 12h ago · · ·

Finally got around to enjoying this tale. Very welldone adaption of the original story.

P.S. Pinkie is even more creepy now.:pinkiehappy:

#9 · 149w, 6d ago · · ·

Nice job making sure Rarity (almost) doesn't appear and has no lines, just like in Nightmare Night.

#10 · 149w, 6d ago · · ·

I am sick and tired of all these fanfictions and portrayals of Luna as somewhat inferior to that mule that is her sister. And why must always Celestia have to be having fun at the expense of poor Luna. No wonder she turned evil I would to if I had to deal with her consent dickery.  And another thing why oh why must Celestia always be depicted as some perfect flawless character? Seriously sick and tired of seeing the same thing over and over again in basically every fanfiction.  

#11 · 149w, 6d ago · · ·

Very, very entertaining story and very close to an episode style, well, one that's willing to centre on Luna that is.

Just a couple notes:

Luna's Early Modern Equestrian needs work. It's not 'do thou', it's 'doth thou', and she can use 'you' in certain situations, especially to close acquaintances. This link should help aplenty. http://www.ponibooru.org/post/view/75179?search=luna

Luna is so spot on it's scary good.

Love how this fic is a hype machine for the actual episode.

#12 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

Christmas and Luna.:pinkiecrazy:WILL READ!

#13 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

Congrats on getting featured on Equestria Daily.

#14 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

Good work, you really have a good flair for this sort of thing. :D Merry Christmas, Happy Hearth Warming, Happy Holidays. May ponies deliver you what you want for Christmas.

#15 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

It ws good... Not so much Rarity but it was still heart warming :pinkiesmile:

#16 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

Regarding Rarity: yes, I didn't put in much of her, but that was just because I didn't really have any ideas for her and didn't feel like shoehorning in the whole mane six cast. Rarity fans shouldn't feel too bad though: Applejack and Dash only have one line a piece, so they get about as much love as Rarity in this (which is to say, very little).

>>58758  Because she's portrayed as a perfect character in the show. :rainbowlaugh: We're just sticking to canon here, pal!

>>58763  Ah, thank you, I'll be sure to look into that. I was wondering about how to use "doth" but ultimately I decided not to risk it and make some horrible mistake. So there it is. :twilightblush:

#17 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

This was very well written and I thoroughly enjoyed it!!!!!

jst wsh that they wold make an actal chrstmas specal lke ths ^^ that wold e AMAZNG!!!!:heart:

#18 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

aw so sweet. :fluttercry: man, that christmas carol story really holds up.

#19 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

:twilightsmile: I believe that is all I need to say. (Also, I read the Original every year. MARLEY WAS DEAD and don't you forget it ;) )

#20 · 149w, 5d ago · · ·

This is my first time ever commenting to any pony story, despite being a relatively new brony.

This...is just amazing. I personally love how you and other writers can take these adaptable characters and put them in situations that aren't just plain awkward but actually fitting. Luna would be the best example of a Christmas Carol, minus maybe Blueblood, I guess, but I've already read "The Best Night Ever" for that. Still, this is a really heartwarming story and puts me in a Christmas spirit.

God, Celestia, whoever you choose,

bless you, Mr. JohnPerry and whatever ponies you use.

And may all bronies, young and old,

Get the heck inside, because outside it is cold.

...well, except maybe Hawai'i and Florida, but who cares? Happy holiday.

#21 · 149w, 4d ago · · ·

You have some of your Thees and Thous (and Thys) confused... And a couple Thys could be Thine instead. Other than that, pretty awesome story (Zecora was well done which doesn't happen a lot).

#22 · 148w, 4d ago · · ·

Lampshades, lampshades everywhere!  Pretty adorkable story overall, and it manages to not clash with the episode pretty well, which is a feat in and of itself.  :pinkiegasp::heart:

#23 · 148w, 2d ago · · ·

Bravo good sir, that was a great journey to a destination we know all too well. I caught a missing 'of' near the beginning and Luna's use of old speech was a tiny bit off, but those are my only gripes. I love all the callbacks and lampshades, I was quite giggly reading this last night. Zecora as Heath's Warming future was perfect, who else could pull off looking scary and helping out at the same time?

#24 · 147w, 5d ago · · ·

I might be a little late to the party here, but it was a very fitting read for today.

Anyway, while the references to the fandom and other lampshades were pretty blunt at times, that was fine in this story, and I certainly would have liked a story with a premise like this better than the actual Hearth's Warming episodes (which felt like it did not have the mane six in it at all, since they were all playing roles for most of it.)

Also, I don't think you need to worry a whole lot about "ye olde Equestrian", as English has never really existed in that form. Try to get the thous, thee, thy, and thine right, since that's the most noticeable (though the expectations of Ye Olde English probably don't match up to the original use, either), and that should be enough.

Anyway, overall a very enjoyable story.

#25 · 39w, 6d ago · · ·

Doth thou not enjoy serving your princess

“Thou did not explain enough!”

Hast they not planted the trees yet?”
have - thou is singular only.

There's a couple more misses, in fact.  Thou is a very tricky word to use - that's probably why we stopped using it.  Wikipedia's a decent source of information on it.

“There’s no ghosts, Pinkie,”
Quantity mismatch - There are no ghosts or there's no such thing as ghosts.

Evidently this has been on my read later a loooooooong time, so any criticism I'd have is a rather moot point.  I wish it poked more fun at the tired old tropes rather than dutifully following them while pointing it out all the while.  It's still... nice, but this straight playthrough might have been better if it hadn't been so self aware. :fluttershysad:

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