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Featured In14

More Stories6

  • T Correspondence

    Twilight thought she had a handle on her crush. Then Spike sent the princess the wrong darn book!
    4,472 words · 22,676 views  ·  2,271  ·  43
  • T Do You Really Want to Know?

    Twilight and Celestia send each other some letters. And get incredibly confused.
    4,124 words · 9,972 views  ·  1,077  ·  22
  • T Messin' With Celestia

    Celestia thought she was having a bad day. And then the zombies showed up.
    4,796 words · 3,716 views  ·  365  ·  5 · sex · gore
  • T They're Comfy and Easy to Wear

    A collection of fairly random pony story bits. Presented without context or apology.
    12,611 words · 4,425 views  ·  293  ·  4
  • T Distance

    Can an immortal alicorn really have a relationship with a very young unicorn? Should she?
    4,204 words · 4,718 views  ·  412  ·  9
  • T The Creature that Came to Ponyville

    Fluttershy gets a pet xenomorph. Hilarity ensues. Also lots of dead ponies.
    33,124 words · 2,324 views  ·  183  ·  12 · gore

Blog Posts22

  • 77w, 6d
    State of the Uncle

    Is there a stated rule anywhere, or even a suggestion for what we're supposed to blog about on this site? That's not a serious question. I'm pretty sure there isn't beyond the mandate that content not be illegal or otherwise upsetting, and if you're gonna talk about dirty stuff you gotta put it behind a nsfw cut? I try to keep my blogging to fanfic, or at least ponies, but I have to fight the occasional urge to just do random biopic crap that nobody cares about. I've already done that with my Tumblr, it really doesn't have anything to do with my actual fanfic anymore, I should save this one for talking about that.

    I really want to turn the "Stranger" chapter of Comfy and Easy to Wear into something a little longer. As may be evidenced by the fact that I wrote a god damn My Little Pony and Aliens crossover I really like having the pones interact with big huge scary things. Thing was, dragging a random original character out of another dimension and into Equestria doesn't really feel organic to the setting. Well, I guess now it does now that we know Celestia has magic mirrors serving as interdimensional portals in her basement, but I think the fewer story cues I take from Equestria Girls the better.

    I think I have an idea for an OC I can work into the setting better though. I just have to hope that people will be positively inclined towards a story about an OC. Well, I'll worry about that when I get to it, I'm not taking on any big projects until I finish Distance. Which is going about as slowly as I expected and much more so than I'd like, but I'm still plugging along. I keep having existential crisises in the middle of it though, reading other Twilestia fics that are infinitely more awesome than anything I could ever hope to accomplish and second guessing everything I write. I gotta work through that! I might rewrite the first chapter a little bit. I don't know. I liked the tone, but now that I'm writing some more involved scenes between characters I'm starting to realize that my tendency to avoid an omniscient narrative style kind of hinders my portrayal of emotion. I'd like to have the characters express what they're feeling through their actions and words during a conversation instead of relying on "Twilight felt x and Celestia though y and then they started to lick each others' z". But... I'm not very good at it. Oh well, practice makes perfect.

    Thanks for listening to me ramble about this, it makes me feel a lot better to get this stuff out and write it down. At least I'm writing something...

    7 comments · 474 views
  • 79w, 6d
    The Most Appropriate Euphamism I Could Think of

    Six ponies sat around the table in Rarity's den, each of them concentrating on the playing cards in their hooves. Fluttershy's ear twitched a bit as she tapped her hoof on a pile of chips.

    "... you know," she said carefully, "he's been in there an awfully long time."

    The other ponies looked up from their cards in surprise, blinking at the sweet cream colored pegasus. She blushed and sank down in her seat just a little bit.

    "He really has," said Rainbow Dash, "feels like it's been months, even."

    "Someone should go check up on him," said Applejack.

    Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle just turned to look at Rarity. Her eyebrows slowly lowered in a titanic scowl.

    "Why does it have to be-"

    "Your house"

    "Fine! I hope you all get papercuts."

    Rarity placed her cards facedown on the table and trotted across the room and down the hall. Pausing at her bathroom door, she took a deep breath, and then very softly knocked. "Friendly Uncle? Are you alright in there?"

    Somewhere in the room beyond the door Rarity hear somepony take a sharp breath, followed by a very low, whispered, "Almooooost..."

    Then Rarity heard the most obscene noise that had ever emerged from a pony's bowels, followed by a loud splash. The fashionista's jaw dropped in unmitigated horror as the noises continued, almost drowning out the cries of "It's coming out! It's coming out! At long last, it's coming out!!!"

    "Friendly Uncle?" called Rarity, "I just want you to know that is absolutely disgusting and I'm going to wall you in there!"

    "Bite me, Squiggletail!"

    -

    Meanwhile, Luna frowned at her sister, who was pointing her telescope at Ponyville, making careful adjustments to the instrument as she attempted to get a closer look at something.

    "I only wish to be certain that I understand," said the Princess of the Moon, "the bowel movement is a metaphor for his creative output?"

    "Exactly," said Princess Celestia, squinting into the eyepiece.

    "... and you are watching?"

    "Yes."

    "I think I'm going to be sick."

    "I want to see what he's doing!" grumbled Celestia defensively. "Come on you friendly asshole, you promised me a love scene with Twilight Sparkle, don't make me come down there...!"

    24 comments · 527 views
  • 91w, 5d
    Reports of my demise, etc.

    Bleah, it's been a while since I've touched this thing. Look at all the dust!

    I'd like to apologize for not updating. Fact of the matter is I wanted to. I really really did. But I had a bit of a personal crisis towards the end of last year that took up a lot of mental energy that normally would have been spent on writing fanfiction. I'd rather not go into the details. Suffice to say I didn't feel very friendly. And I didn't want to come back empty handed! I've been determined to finish the next chapter of Distance, or put up another short story, or something.

    You may notice that hasn't happened.

    Darned if I know what it is. It's the single most spectacular case of writer's block I've ever had. There are aborted attempts at writing littering my hard drive right now and I don't know what to do with any of them. It just ain't coming. And trying to force it hasn't helped.

    So I'm just going to stop stressing over it. It'll happen eventually I'm sure, but I couldn't say when. I still love those friendly candy colored mini horses, but I just can't get into the right mindset to do anything with them. Maybe I need to read more fanfic. Maybe I need to watch some episodes again.

    Maybe I should post that random as hell porn ficlet I crapped out a million years ago. Anyone want some porn? It's humanized, but it's cute. I think.

    I'm not quitting, I'm just really tired. Consider this a belated hiatus announcement.

    I'm going to go to bed and try not to think about how much I'm disappointing everyone for a change, and maybe once my neck muscles un-knot I'll be able to make some sense out of some of these scraps. ...is this a paragraph about the Cutie Mark Crusaders discussing boners yes I think that's what this is was I high when I wrote this what the hell...

    20 comments · 676 views
  • 103w, 4d
    Hearthswarming Eve Contest

    Your friend and mine, fellow pony fanfic author Andrew Joshua Talon, is holding a contest this holiday season. Simply read one of his fanfics and find a scene you feel deserves artistic representation in a visual medium, and then represent it artistically. We want to see some fanart, basically. And for your contribution AJT will be rewarding prizes of money dollars. So get your pencils or digital styluses or whatever it is you kids use to produce graphic images these days and let’s see what you can do.

    I personally would love to see some fanart of Natrix getting defenestrated, but that is purely a suggestion.

    7 comments · 225 views
  • 106w, 3d
    So, how about that season premier?

    Without spoiling anything I think I can safely say... I liked it. I thought it was pretty good. Not spectacular. Doesn't hold a candle to season 1 and 2, or even season 2's finale, but still really nice. I laughed a bit, and I was actually really nervous towards the end, so the dramatic tension is there. I saw that last twist coming from a mile away, but it was still nice. Celestia is best troll.

    Speaking of which, I am taking Celestia's referring to Twilight as "dearest" as proof that Distance is canon. Applejack and Rarity is also canon. I'm just saying. You can argue with me about this but you will not win. Twilestia is best ship. Rarijack is up there.

    (I also like Flarity, but it doesn't have to be canon, I'm comfortable with that being AU.)

    Speaking of Distance, I need to get off my ass and finish chapter 2. Time for some ponies getting dirty...

    58 comments · 237 views
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#1 · 123w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Excuse me while I go and make an old lady deaf with my laughter.

#2 · 123w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

I must read this, for the lolz have spoken.

Edit: Dear God, you actually made me laugh :rainbowlaugh: Applejack putting the whole situation in her own words was by far the funniest thing I have read in this fic.

#3 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

First reaction:

This is rated teen?

I'm putting it on my read later list.

We'll see.

#4 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I think I've read this before in fanfiction.net, I loved this story :)

#5 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh: omg it has been a really long time since a fic has actually made me laugh in all of its length. You my good sir have a really good sense of humor ^^

#6 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

>>923018 Yeah, I thought I'd seen this before too. Still incredibly funny, especially the throwaway lines (Twilight makes home videos with the princess? Home videos of that kind? :pinkiegasp:)

#7 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

This is one of my favorite equestria daily FICs of all time. Glad to see it here.

#9 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Oh god, I remember this. Fucking hilarious.

#11 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Ponyville was fucked.

As soon as I got to that part I was like ''Oh god,  this is going to be great!''.:rainbowlaugh:

#12 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

ALL THE LOLS, THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!!! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

#13 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Wat. :rainbowhuh:

a funny little read

#14 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh:BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

#15 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I read this like once a week, it's that good. :pinkiehappy:

#16 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I remember this one from equestria daily it was funny then and it is funny now.

#17 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

We apologise to inform you, that the usual person who is logged in right now is currently unavailable to post his comment, because he has had to be taken to hospital for emergency surgery due to a busted gut, cracked ribs, and a severe lack of oxygen due to an unusually large amount of laughter.

#18 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

If i could of, I would be ROFLing, but I don't have room. All of my lols sir, all of my lols.

#19 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Remembered seeing this on Equestria Daily last year. I'll read it again.

#20 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

This! This! Oh holy buck THIS! Porno without porno, naughty implications, gratuitous Flutterplot, DP, gag reflex, pony hell... :pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh::ajsmug::moustache::facehoof::raritywink::fluttershysad:

:flutterrage:

#21 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

"You guys were watching porn without me!  I'm insulted!" Best... Line... Ever. :rainbowlaugh:

#22 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Oh... my... dear...

MY LUNGS! THEY BURN FROM LAUGHING TOO DANG HARD!

#23 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

"... well... I dabbled in acting before I found my true calling, and I may have done a few films that I'm not... particularly proud of..."

You heard her Spike. Go get those pornos!

And as for you, author, have a :moustache:

#24 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh: holy sh**t i cant stop laughing awesome job of comedy :pinkiehappy:

#25 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

:rainbowlaugh: Rainbow would :rainbowlaugh:

#26 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I started reading and planned to comment on the funiest bits plot it was too damned funny :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

#27 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

First reaction::rainbowhuh::rainbowderp:

Second one::twilightoops::twilightblush:

Third::rainbowkiss::pinkiehappy:

And finally::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Oh the awesomeness XD

Bronydragon:moustache:

#28 · 123w, 1d ago · 1 · ·

Incredibly funny. I lol'd lots. :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

But then I had a moment of Fridge Horror over this line:

"... well... I dabbled in acting before I found my true calling, and I may have done a few films that I'm not... particularly proud of..."

Wait... Rarity did a porno prior to getting her Cutie Mark? :rainbowhuh:


(Wait for it...)


Sweet Celestia, there's CP of Rarity!!!!! :raritydespair:  :raritydespair: :raritydespair: :raritydespair: :raritydespair: :raritydespair:

    

#29 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I've had this in my google docs for ages, I'm not entirely sure how or why. Nice to see it finally on the site, though.

#30 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

"Look, what Princess Celestia and I happen to do when alone is between us and her video camera and not available for public consumption.  I mean, my personal life is not on trial here!"

:rainbowlaugh:

I laughed. A lot. And loudly.

This could use a sequel...

#31 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Fluttershy's a Pornstar

rated teen

wut.

#33 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

This finally shows up on FIMFiction! Insta-thumbs-up, insta-faved.

I love the humour throughout. My favourite part was Pinkie pretending to be Fluttershy with an "uncanny imitation" of her voice, and Spike playing the unscrupulous film producer. Also extra points for the mental image of Fluttershy performing seppuku with a carrot.

Reactions from all the ponies were great; Applejack was almost eerily in-character, I can totally see Pinkie liking the music, and Rainbow showing up out of nowhere to offer expert porn advice was brilliant.

I was introduced to this story through a dramatic reading on YouTube - I highly recommend it.

#34 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I was okay with the porno Fluttershy, but the tail extensions are what crossed the line.

#35 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

"You seriously think she cashed in her candy cooter for cold coinage?"

fucking LOL :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

#36 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

You know why I like this fic so much? Not just because it's one of the funniest ponyfics written, but because there are no regrettable scenes. Yes there is innuendo and shipteases, but nothing that gartuitously goes beyond "rule of funny".

#37 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I remember reading this a while back:twilightsheepish::twilightsmile:

Still as fun to read now as it was back then:rainbowlaugh:

ps. delicious alliteration:pinkiehappy:

#38 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I shouldn't have laughed at this, but I did. Several times. Fairly hard. (Pun not intended.)

It's concise, it's precise, and it gets a few good laughs out of an extremely awkward situation. It accomplishes what it sets out to do, quickly and cleanly, and is actually a decent read for a short-fic. Bravo!

- Christian 'Sick Pleasures' Harisay

#39 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I mean, maybe Rarity, and I'd be surprised if Dash hasn't, and I could see maybe you, but Fluttershy? :rainbowlaugh::rainbowderp:

#40 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Still as funny the second time I read it :rainbowlaugh: Are you planning on putting up the rest of them (particulrity Estrus. That one and Do You Really Want To Know? made me laugh sooooooo hard)?

#41 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

HA! HAHAHAHA!

#42 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

"Spike, who had seen some of the reading material under Twilight's bed, simply nodded sagely." :rainbowlaugh:

#43 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I read this at 4 AM... I lol'd pretty hard, hard enough to wake up my mother. Good thing she doesn't know english! :rainbowlaugh:

#44 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

>>923427

And for added alliterative appeal, there's this:

Either somepony is presenting pictures of her posterior to peddle pony pornography without permission, or Fluttershy's a pornstar.

:rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh: :rainbowlaugh:

#45 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

THIS HAS PLEASED MORBO!!!

#46 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Heh, for a moment there I expected Fluffershy to be Fluttershy's pervy sister, but this works too.  Very funny stuff, man. :yay:

#47 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

Da Fuq

#48 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

I approve of this story. And so do the Bio-Mechanical Technicolored Equines that are watching you.

Earned: :moustache: :moustache: :moustache:

#49 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

When I first saw this, I thought it was going to be something similar to that one episode of Friends with Phoebe being mistaken for Ursula, who used Phoebe as her porn star name.

I'm glad this was quite a bit more original than that.

#50 · 123w, 1d ago · · ·

It never explained why Spike was so quiet... or had him talk again. Would of added so much humor.

Fucking hilarious as hell all the same.

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