Chapter 1
Hey, this is Harry Leferts here in my debut. I got inspired to write this and I can only hope that you guys enjoy.
Disclaimer: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Hasbro and Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling.
"Hello"-Normal Speaking
"Interesting..."- Nightmare Moon speaking.
'Huh'- Normal Thoughts.
'All mine...' Nightmare Moon's thoughts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After having been thrown into his bedroom (really a cupboard under the main stairs) a young boy of six named Harry Potter slowly whimpered as the door was locked. Not from pain, because neither his uncle nor his aunt had ever actually hit him, but from something that was just as bad... Loneliness. After all, verbal and psychological abuse also left scars, just not visible ones. As he wrapped the small, threadbare blanket around him, the small boy's green eyes slowly closed as a tear made its way down his cheek. "I... I wish that I had a friend..." Unknown to the boy, at that point the light of the full moon seemed to brighten for a moment as a silvery glow enveloped him as his eyes close...
And reopened to an astounding sight! As he looked around, he saw nothing but gray, powdery ground with large holes in it. It took him a moment for the realization to sink in which was helped by the sight of a familiar orb that hanged over the horizon as his eyes widened. 'Is this... the moon?' A split second after this realization, Harry clapped his hands over his mouth and nose as he ran around in a panic before he tripped on a rock. He laid there for a moment before the he blinked as he realized something important. "I can Breath?" He blinked some more before he got up and then dusted himself off. Harry then cocked his head to the side and scrunched his face up in thought. "Is this a Dream?" Not having gotten an answer, he began walking in random direction.
Not too far away but just a few minutes before his arrival, someone else was also on the moon. A pony with a navy blue coat, a bluish-purple mane, wings, a horn, and what looked like a crescent moon on the background of clumps of clear night sky on her flank. She stared up at the blue-green orb above her and sighed as she hanged her head sadly. 'Sister...' A tear slowly made its way down her cheek. 'Why did I have to...?’
She suddenly stiffened as a silky voice began to whisper to her."Aw... is the widdle Princess Luna sad...?"
Luna gritted her teeth before she shook her head violently from side to side."Leave me alone you! This is all your fault! If you hadn't-"
The Voice just laughed darkly before speaking again, mirth carried throughout it. "If I hadn't what Princess... tried to take our rightful place?" Luna shivered as she can almost imagine as something softly caressed her making her feel unclean. "I did nothing but try to make our subjects love us... was that so bad..."
Luna just grimaced. "You were trying to force them! We... you had no right!"
She suddenly jerked as if struck while the voice venomously snarled in her ear. "No right... NO RIGHT!" The voice seemed right next to her which caused her try to lean away. "We had every right Princess. Our dear sister on the other hand had no right to stick us here... just like she had no right giving us the time when she knew that our subjects would ignore in favor of sleeping... just to hog all the love and attention for herself!"
Luna began to tremble as she shook her head. "N-no! She's not like that! Celly is not like that! She loves me! Go away!"
The voice was silent for a moment before it chuckled. "But I can't go away Princess... because I am you." Luna felt the ghostly touch of a hoof to her cheek before it vanished. "I am every bit of darkness in you... all your anger, loneliness, sadness... hatred... Vengeance! I AM you Princess... it's you, the old you that's no longer real." The voice began to laugh. "You are WEAK! And I am STRONG! You only exist because I allow it! No other reason! You-"
She is interrupted as Luna screamed. "ENOUGH! THAT'S ENOUGH! Now go away! Leave me alone!" Luna collapsed as she held her head in her hooves as she softly cried. "Lea... leave me alone..." She didn't notice a shadow detach itself from her and rush away toward the dark-side of the moon. For several minutes Luna laid there crying as her stomach felt as if it would expel anything in it, if there was anything in it. "I... I wish that I had a friend..." A tingle like an electric shock ran through her for a moment before it dissipated. As she sniffled, she blinked. 'What was that?' After a few moments, she ignored it to focus back on her downward spiraling thoughts. About ten minutes later though, she heard a gasp and her head shot up in time to catch something as it ducked down behind a nearby crater. She blinked as her mind grappled with the fact that she might not be alone. Her eyes narrowed, she turned her head slightly away from the crater and once she saw movement from the corner of her eye, she jerked her head around to see something duck once more. Luna tilted her head to the side as she blinked. 'Okay... there is definitely something there... but what?'
She turned away and waited until it popped up and then ducked down before she took to the air and flying upward a hundred feet while having left behind an illusion of her being there. Meanwhile, in the crater, Harry blinked. 'Was that... a unicorn? With wings?' He glanced over the rim to see it again. "Pretty..."
Unseen by him, Luna silently landed behind him and looked him over in curiosity. 'What an odd creature... It's like nothing I've ever seen... except maybe those "Monkeys" in that book about the south...' She leaned in closer, smiling as she noticed that the being before her is watching her illusion. 'Hm, it's got hands like a dragon, but with no claws or scales and a mane too! But no fur? Is that why it's wearing clothes? It gets cold?' When she heard it say that she is "Pretty" however, she blushed as she's not used to be complimented on her looks except by her sister. She then began to lean close before she spoke in a soft, shy voice in order not to scare the creature before her. "Um... Hello there little guy..." The being stiffened before it slowly turned, not having noticed that the illusion that he'd been watching wavered before it dissipated into a purplish cloud. The two stared at each other before Luna gives it a shy smile. "Hi?" The being's (green, she noted) eyes widened before leaps onto the other side of the crater lip. Taking a step back in surprise for a moment, Luna leaned forward to see the being's wide eyes as it peered over the rim. She smothered a giggle at the sight as she gave it her best comforting smile. "Er... It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you..."
The little being slowly raised its head over the rim and gave her what she took to be an inquisitive look. She blinked though at the words that came out of its mouth. "You can talk?"
Having seen the surprised look on the beings face, Luna cocked her head to the side in confusion. "Um... yeah. Of course I can, all ponies can talk." She then looked closer, her curiosity having overtaken her for a moment. "But I don't know what you are, so I am a little surprised that you can speak." She then cocked her head to the side as she noticed that the being was slightly translucent and had what looked like a silver wire that came from its back and disappeared about a foot from the body. 'Is this another one of Nightmare Moon's mind games? It would be just like her.'
The being looked at her with an odd expression on its face. "But... Ponies can't talk." It then slowly climbed over the rim and sat down in front of Luna. "And I'm a human!"
Luna raised an eyebrow at this. "An Ooman? What's an Ooman?"
The little being giggled some before it shook its head. "Not 'Ooman', a 'Human!" It seemed as if it thinking something over for a moment before it stuck a hand out. "My name's Harry! What's yours?"
Luna giggled some before she stuck her hoof into its grasp, though slightly puzzled as to why she could feel it grip her hoof. "My name is Luna, Harry. Nice to meet you." Harry smiled as he shook her hoof. A moment later, they let go. Luna then shrugged. "Oh well. At least this hallucination isn't as bad as some of them."
Harry just gave her an odd look. "What's a Halli... hallue..."
Luna giggled some more as she waved a hoof at him. "Hallucination Harry. It means that you're nothing but a figment of my imagination."
Harry just shook his head. "Uh-uh! I'm dreaming this. You're the one that's not real!"
Luna just rolled her eyes. "No, you're not real."
Harry gave her a small scowl. "Uh-uh! You're not real!"
Luna shook her head as she poked him with a hoof. "No, I'm real."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am." Needless to say this continued for a bit before finally it stopped with the two having decided that they're right and the other's wrong, but not wanting to argue anymore with a figment of their imagination. After a bit of quiet, Luna decided to just ask something. "Um... Harry?" Harry looked towards her with a smile. "Er... even though you're not real..." Harry crossed his arms at this. "Would you be my friend?" Luna watched as Harry's jaw dropped and his eyes widened. She's about to say something when Harry suddenly hugged her. She blinked as she can feel him as he shuddered against her and could swear that she felt tears as they soaked her pelt. "Harry?"
She could almost "Imagine" his arms a they tightened around her and she almost didn't catch his next words due to how quiet he said them. "I... I never had a friend before..."
She just smiled as she wrapped one of her front legs around him. She continued to hold him for a few minutes before he pulled away. She then laid a hoof on his shoulder. "Feel better now?" Harry just nodded as Luna smiled. 'He may be nothing more than a figment of my imagination... but at least I can experience a little of what it means to have a friend.' She than got shaken from her thoughts as Harry poked her. "Yes Harry? What is it?"
Harry just looked at her with a curious look on his face. "Um... what do we do now?"
Luna blinked at the question, caught off guard by it. She began to think as she considered it. 'What do friends do together anyways?' After a few minutes she shrugged. "I guess that we could... play a game? I don't know what to play, so you can decide."
Harry just looked down as he leaned up against her. "But I don't know any games... Except for Harry Hunting." Luna frowned as little as Harry flinched. After thinking it over and having decided to go ahead with his idea, Harry sudden brightened. "Hey! I know a game! We can play tag!"
Luna cocked her head to the side as she wondered about it. "Um... what's 'Tag' and how do you play it?"
Harry just smiled. "Oh, you just touch someone and go 'Tag! You're it!' and then they chase you, while trying to tag you... Like this." He then tapped her on the snout which caused her to jerk in surprise. "Tag! You're it!"
He then began to run off leaving her as she blinked a little until she realized what he just did. "Oooo! You better run Harry! I'm going to get you for that!" She then lifted off using her wings and started to chase the laughing boy, all the while with the biggest smile she's ever had...
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All i could do from reading this is...D'aaawwwwww!Have some stars!
not bad at all...
feels kinda rushed but that's easy to look past.
and DAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Wow, that was a misguided attempt I'd say
I have no idea why, but for some reason the tense seems off to me. I think it's because most stories are written in past tense. Also, you need more commas. There are a lot of run-on sentences; you could read each sentence out loud, then add a comma where you pause. Some sentences may not appear to be run-ons, but it would be better if you reworded the sentence so it flows better.
For example:
"Needless to say this continues for a bit before finally stopping with the two deciding that they're right and the other's wrong, but not wanting to argue anymore with a figment of their imagination"
edited:
"Needless to say this continues for a bit, finally stopping when the two decide that they're right and the other is wrong and should stop arguing with a figment of their imagination"
"But not wanting to argue anymore with a figment of their imagination" isn't a clause, so "but" shouldn't be used there. If you want to use "but", there has to be a subject and verb for the clause (if you take away the "but" there is still a complete sentence).
"Not wanting to argue anymore with a figment of their imagination" by itself is not a complete sentence; there isn't even a verb. "wanting to argue" is a past participle. Adding "ing" makes a verb a participle instead of a verb. It's the difference between saying "I walked to school" and "I walking to school". Participles act like descriptors, you use them to describe someone's action, but you can't use them to replace actions. In the previous example, to turn it into a proper sentence you must add a verb. "I was walking to school". In this case "was" is the verb, but you can replace it with any verb. "I talk, walking to school". "I am walking to school". The "ing" phrase modifies the verb the noun is doing.
I hope this quick grammar lesson helps.
A tad strange, and by that, I mean the way the story is written (Using present-tense form of verbs). It's like a play, but... not.
In my opinion, for extended narratives, a more correct way would be to use the Past form, like say,
"After having been thrown into his bedroom a young boy of six named Harry Potter slowly whimpered as the door locked shut."
"...Wrapping the small, threadbare blanket around him, the small boy's green eyes slowly closed as a tear made its way down his cheek. "I... I wish that I had a friend..." "
Present-tense narration feels immediate and emotionally engaging, which is why it works well for short stories.
Since this is going (And already is!) an extended narrative, it gets much more difficult to maintain. The best you can hope for, is that the reader ignores it after a chapter or two.
Anyway, past that little rant...
Some small grammar errors here and there, nothing a pre-reader couldn't fix.
What else... Oh, here's a small writing tip. Dialogue (Especially lines from different characters) should end a paragraph/start a new one, to avoid huge walls of text. Here's an example:
Unseen by him, Luna silently landed behind him and looked him over in curiosity. 'What an odd creature... It's like nothing I've ever seen... except maybe those "Monkeys" in that book about the south...'
She leaned in closer, smiling as she noticed that the being before her was watching her illusion. 'Hm, it's got hands like a dragon, but with no claws or scales and a mane too! But no fur? Is that why it's wearing clothes? It gets cold?'
When she hears it say that she is "Pretty" however, she blushed, not used to being complimented on her looks except maybe by her sister. She began to lean close before speaking in a soft, shy voice trying not to scare the creature before her. "Um... Hello there little guy..."
The being stiffened before slowly turning, not noticing that the illusion he'd been watching wavered before dissipating into a purplish cloud.
The two stared at each other before Luna gave it a shy smile. "Hi?"
The being's (green, she noted) eyes widened before it leapt onto the other side of the crater lip. Taking a step back in surprise for a moment, Luna leaned forward again to see the being's wide eyes peering over the rim. Smothering a giggle at the sight, she gave it her best comforting smile. "Er... It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you..."
See? There. Ended that little wall of text, and gave it enough pause for the reader to slowly accommodate to new happenings and events!
Anyway, I won't be accompanying this, unfortunately. The idea behind this is great, it has much potential, but its execution was... poor. I leave this piece of constructive criticism here so you may better hone your skill as a writer.
Hopefully, I'll see another story by you (Or even this one!), much more perfected. Then, I'll follow it and rate it, gleefully.
Until then, however...
Good luck, Harry.
-Urdreth
Just so i dont get lost:
I never really read the books (ooh, i can feel the hate mail coming already) so i was just wondering, am i going to get lost at some point? If so, maybe i should start reading them.
All i really did was watch the first 3 movies (there shall be many caps lock raging at that)
....gread you got my heart ripped out of my chest and its now in a cettle boiling in sweetness, cutyness, and anithing nice... where is this broth going to end
I hope Luna does not mind if i give you one of her stars.
Ah the heck with it i will give you the sun!
Inar, the freezing Jollyhound
i must read this fanfic....THE POWER OF DAWWW COMPELS ME!
The voice is silent for a moment before chuckling. "But I can't go away Princess... because I am you." Luna feels the ghostly touch of a hoof to her cheek before it vanishes. "I am every bit of darkness in you... all your anger, loneliness, sadness... hatred... Vengeance! I AM you Princess... it's you, the old you that's no longer real." The voice begins to laugh. "You are WEAK! And I am STRONG! You only exist because I allow it! No other reason! You-"
New Headcanon: Nightmare Moon is a Shadow, the true self.
I just stumbled on this and i will read it ALL OF IT.
Its just soooo cute.
If this turns out to be anywhere as good at it's retconing as "Friendship Contract" is with the Naruto universe, I will be so happy. TO READ!
There's never enough Potter in ponies! This is gonna be good!
You just gave me a giant fucking idea.
A giant magic school, with three houses. Pegasus, Unicorn, and Earth. They all have a series of joint classes, and a series of separate classes for different kinds of ponies. The Headmaster is Celestia, and the House Leaders are all alicorns, Luna, Cadence, and Discord in Alicorn form(this is essential, as Discord is disguised, and likewise is using an alias name).
Cue Harry Potter-esque antics surrounding a group of six friends. Enter the Mane Six.
Throughout the entire story, the Housemaster that is actually Discord, is creating an army to take over the world.
Sadly, i do not have the attention span, so if anyone takes this idea, please PM me and credit me.
This was among many mistakes I found. I'll continue to see where this goes and hopefully the formatting will be better.
Just from this, I can tell you're also from FFN.
This is a really sweet story, and i never even liked the Harry Potter books
, so well done sir! you have earned my like!
100000 + words and incomplete I gots mee sum reedin 2 duu
The best way to find good stories I've found, is to look at the favorites of good authors, or people who leave well written comments on good stories... That's why I'm giving a story that's premise sounds like a bad slash clop fic a chance.
Here's hoping its a good read
Here's hoping that Luna doesn't get the wrong idea about humans. Still, if she tries anything against non-Dursleys, she'll soon learn not to piss humanity off.
Meh, this doesn't feel like that kind of fic, anyway.
nvm, just read ch 2. She gets to see that other people are nice, just the Dursleys are bad (I don't lump the Malfoys with them, even they aren't that bad).
D'aaaaawwwww's.
D'aaaaawwwww's everywhere.
Is this Harry as a little boy?
I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time connecting with the story.
Maybe I'm using the wrong cable. XD
Dawww! How sweet! Luna has a friend and so does Harry!
Never had "tag" in england.
We calk the game "IT"
3706003 as in the rapeclown movie where a clown lives in the sewer and kidnaps children?
3854080 Sounds like my life
3706003 When you catch someone, do you say "Tag, you're it", or just "You're It!" ? (In America it's called Tag because we say the former, mostly.)
3854080 I hate that movie. SOOOO much. My cousins made me watch it when I was six, and it gave me nightmares for a week.
4785378
we all float down here.
...uh, did that particular phrase make it into the movie? *has read the book, not watched the movie*
You're a pony chaser, Harry!
*clutches at his heart*
*expires from D'aaawww Poisioning*
Welp, start reading again...
5059516
Same
Curse you I say CURSE you I don't normally do this but iv enjoyed this story so much I wanted to reread it heck your not even finished with it but it's just so compelling true there are issues with some stuff here and there but the story is enough to save it like before can't wait for the new chapter hope to hear from you soon ... Uh this guy I guess. /)
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2579-132797247270.jpg
Lovely! I even narrated it I liked it so much, and those d'aw moments man, to die for..... you good sir, deserve and pat on the back and 5 moustache Spikes!
I honestly love the concept. However, It's very hard to adjust to the feeling that this is a harry potter fic. After having read each book at least 5 or so times you tend to get a certain expectation on writing style. The HP have always been very fluidly narrated with flush details when describing the world and it's characters. This falls into the trap of assuming the reader knows certain things. All I know of harry from this chapter is he's a small boy with green eyes. Nothing about his messy black hair, thin frame, over-sized hand-me-down outfit, or scar. Same with luna, she's just blue pony with wings and a horn. More descriptors make the world pop just enough to let the imagination draw the rest.
The characters as well seem... flat. At this point I could care less about Harry's troubles. There was no explanation of what his troubles were and why we should sympathize. Talk abut how people think he's a strange weirdo, how the kids at school bully him, how Dudly uses him as a whipping boy and nobody want's to associate with Harry and get on the bully's bad side. Instead it just has him thrown into a closet and cry about no friends. Next second he's on the moon and seems to go through a checklist of expected reactions in a very bland way. *appears in new place* "where am I?" *Looks up to see earth* "I'm on the moon!?" *Knee jerk reaction on inability to breath in space* "Wait, I can breath?" *walks in random direction*. There's just very little action, or reaction to a new and confusing environment. If we are to understand that his is a kid and just take it as granted that he'll blindly accept his situation, he could still take actions like jumping to play with gravity, kick up space dust, or simply look at the millions of stars. Instead he just sorta wonders off in a place described only as "gray, powdery ground with large holes in it." And not "A vast, empty plane as far as the eye can see leading to a black horizon. The grey uneven landscape littered with holes and craters, some no lager then a pothole, others so massive they could have easily fit several his uncle's sedan. ect, ect.".
More explanation about Harry's life and situation would be appreciated. Many crossovers are a good way to help introduce people who already intimately know one thing (MLP) to another (Harry Potter). Assuming the reader knows these characters and situation, while you can get away with it in crossover fics, is poor form. The writer should re-introduce the reader to a world them may not have thought of in years on are only vaguely antiquated with.
Overall I would say this is a very weak start and would not read more if it were not for the fact this fic were so highly rated. So I'll give it a chance. Keep in mind that:
1. I fully understand how old this fic is
2. that this is only the first chapter and it could do everything I just mentioned later
3. It's a fanfic and I should get over it.
to which I will respond to my own questions
1. This rant/critique is meant for any aspiring authors as well and to bring to the attention of readers certain details.
2. The hook is the most important bit. If a reader doesn't want to continue because it isn't interesting enough, then you've failed distributing your work. Writing is iterative, it's always an option to go back and change and improve things. Professional authors don't ever get a chapter right the first time, and neither will you.
3. If you put it out for public viewing, expect opinions and critique. Feedback is important if you want to continue your work. and if its a one time thing, then you don't have to read the comments.
You are now free to call me many mean things.
5328818
Yeah it's like that in the beginning, it gets kinda better as the story goes on
I want to do a reading of it for YouTube can I? If enypony can do a persen from hp or Luna or nightmare PM me.
D'aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww
5328818 That is a very astute, accurate and plausible review, and now that I look back, descriptor is a very important part in story immersion and world-building. A problem I had when I attempted to post my first fic (a little over a year ago, and I admit, it sucked majorly, and I have already gone through almost eight other drafts of several different stories) was that I spent too long on description, and that I should be less flat about the way I described, similar to this author. Sure, he could go into extreme detail, but without a more colorful vocabulary, the description will fall flat. Analogies are a useful tool in this department, though they should be used with discretion. It is important to keep a reader interested, so using several different literary tools (metaphor, simile, analogy, etc.) will be extremely helpful. I also recognize the age of this fic, but now, having gone through a "rewrite" I expected more vivid description, something I know the author is capable of. Instead, only some grammar, spelling, and punctuation checks (which were very thorough, as well as heavily appreciated) but no difference in terminology or phrasing. While, yes, the fic does become a phenomenal representation of what a good, solid crossover fic should look like, in its infancy, it was nothing short of mediocre. Looking at my comments in later chapters, you can definitely see that I enjoy this story, but others might find it lacking, and therefore do not possess the will and trust to go on, to see the gem it truly is.
Only the first sentence was meant for the one I responded to.
Sorry it's taken me so long to get this started, but I'll have up to chapter 6 for you today and will most likely be able to get you 6 chapters a day, and be done by this Sunday. Now, the errors and corrections for the errors for the first chapter are as follows:
Consider changing this to It seemed as if it was thinking something over for a moment before it stuck a hand out.
This should probably be She could almost "Imagine" his arms as they tightened around her and she almost didn't catch his next words due to how quiet he said them.
Why, did I take so long to read this? Now I feel like a dick.
Much of what I would have said about this introduction has been said already, in great detail. It's sorely lacking and, if it weren't for how well rated this story, as well as the praise I'm seeing in the reviews, I would stop reading here. With all that in mind, I will give this the benefit of the doubt for now, though I hope it improves considerably as I progress.
ReREAD
6139158 im rereading for my 2nd time, glad to know im not the only one
6133679 It does, it really does. I've read several hundred fanfics, and this fanfic (and its related fanfics) is my favorite out of all of them.
6146124 This it my 3rd or 4th time reading this again... It's just too good not to, I swear I'd get withdrawls if I didn't read at least one chapter of this every month...
I can Breath
Is this a Dream
She could almost "Imagine" his arms a they tightened around he
1. Breathe. Also, don't need to capitalise.
2. You don't really need to capitalise this, that's my personal opinion though.
3. As.
Hm... This first chapter has hooked my interest. Decent writing. Interesting premise.
Really the only nitpick I have on this is the fact that Luna isn't speaking in archaic English or the royal 'we.' Since this is right after her internment on the moon she should be speaking in thous and thees. Though I'll let it slide.
Other than that nothing really jumped out at me as being bad.