Sweet Apple Acres had always been filled with secrets, even during its inception almost a hundred years ago. Apple Bloom had heard the tales passed down to her from Granny Smith, but never thought anything of them. At least not before the screams near the barn began to ring out through the night. When the Cutie Mark Crusaders stay over at the farm for one weekend in autumn, old stories and legends begin to boil back up to the surface.
Applejack had always warned Apple Bloom to stay away from the barn at night.
Chapters (1)
Forgive me, I'm going to pass this one since Dark and Tragedy with CMC are too sad...
Dat porfile pic!Is' UraharaOMIGOD!
18K+ words
So much violence and detail, and such a mighty word count, but I felt the climax, and the fic's "punchline" if you will, were kind of transparent. Easily predicted. It's not bad, at all, but I expected a little more. But damn it if it isn't well-written. Nice job. Didn't really float my boat, but that doesn't mean it isn't something to be proud of.
Apple Bloom had heard the tales passed down to her from Granny Smith, but never thought nothing of them.
You have a double negative in the description...
Oh my gosh... that story was.. AMAZING! Creepy though...
1014329
Hastily written description was hastily written. Apologies! *Flies off to fix*
So... argh
i.imgur.com/BsrAf.jpg
WTF This was creep as hell
Wow...that was...just wow. I'm not sure whether I'm impressed or extremely creeped out.
....Huh. That was just....I don't really know how to react to this. I don't mean that in a negative way. The story was well written in my opinion and it was certainly something I haven't read before.
As I am
, this was probably not the type of story I should have read just before heading off to sleep. I'll be sure to inform you if I had nightmares tonight, but odds are that I won't since it has been a very, very long time since I recall having any sort of nightmare.
All-in-all, good job Ciro!
Came expecting Scootaloo death.
Left satisfied anyway.
OOOhhhh. A vampire thing. Cool.
I thought that the story was fairly good, but the execution wasn't perfect. There were some grammar and punctuation errors but aside crom those it was worth the read. I think that my only complaint would be that the story actually seemed too rushed. There could have been more detail and you could have been more descriptive in the surroundings. Adding on to that, I felt as though the story was rushed, and that there could have been more buildup. But other than that, great job!
Honestly,this story are actually one of the few scary stories I liked with the CMC (When they're not put as psychopaths/being murdered). The idea of this monster is left up for the reader and why they were in the barn really impressed me,I really think this deserves to be on EQD.Also,It didn't help I was listening to an entire Funeral Doom Metal album while reading this
.
1014329
Has you finished editing for Steam?We is all waiting :3
Guess I'm first to point out that there are MANY grammar mistakes and uses of EXPLAINED
If you'd like I could edit this fer you
Now THAT'S horror. And said, too. ;n;
anyways, good story
Now that I have my story back, I can finally respond!
1014210
Thanks for the feedback! I've always liked the kind of vague "main character becomes like creature" type endings, though they are very predictable. I'm glad that it still worked, even if it wasn't in your tastes.
1014329
Thanks for the catch, and thank you to Ciroton for fixing it.
1014393
Thanks!
1015044
Thank you for reading. I hope you slept well.
1017122
The story was written in only a few weeks, and I'm a naturally slow writer. I didn't have time to edit it before the deadline, so it was posted "as is". I would love to get it fixed in the future. Thanks for reading it, and I'm sure it'll be better once it's fixed.
1017777
Thanks, I'm glad that you liked it.
1014830
Hopefully both!
1019408 1021684 1014393
Thank you so very much for reading.
1048280
Hey, it's cool. I've decided to track you, since while I've read this kind of fic too many times, your writing skill is more than evident.
1048280
Very welcome.Please do more of these stories!
Very creepy story, i'm happy i decided to check this out when i saw it on your page. I'm a little disappointed that the slime was never explained. Were the slime creature and the mare with fangs the same character, or was the mare using the slime to help capture unsuspecting members of the apple family? Other than that and the few grammar and diction mistakes, I thought it was a brilliant story.
1049152
The slimy substance was supposed to be something it could conjure from its shadow, a power like its ability to control ponies' thoughts. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
1048505
Thanks so much for the watch!
1048995
I'm sure I'll foray into another genre like this again.
1049176
ah, thanks for explaining that
1049176
Sweet :3.I wish you luck.
Please forgive me, because I'm going to throw two posts at you.
Firstly, I have to admit that the story was kinda creepy (and I was reading it in full daylight, like in the morning
) for the first third of it. I'm sorry, but when you mentioned those marks at Scoot's neck, and it became obvious the unnamed threat is actually a vampony (or whatever you call it), it lost all its touch. 
I mean, seriously? So many mythical and imaginative monsters and you chose a vampony? Really? 
Next, I have to admit that (for me) it was kind of hard to follow the story. I don't know quite know why, though. If I had to describe it, I would settle with trekking through a forest and occasionally tripping over a root or a branch. It seemed like your writing wasn't fluent, but I'm terribly sorry--I can't seem pinpoint it for you, as much as I'd love to.
There were some grammar errors, but it didn't seem to be caused by it.
It's strange, really. Because the story itself was rather consistent. I really cannot put my finger on it, sorry.
The second comment will offer an alternative parody ending that lingered in my mind for the second half of the story (well, it was getting predictable, as some comments already mentioned
).
[RANCOM] [DARK] [CROSSOVER - Hellsing]
Start here:
"Hold it right there!" yelled a high pitched voice from the cave entrance. Applebloom shot her eyes open, but the overwhelming darkness didn't let her see too much.
"Who dares to disturb the ritual?" hissed the bat mare. Her piercing eyes could locate the source of the voice with no problem.
"I've waited too long for you to finally reveal your lair," the interrupter said, her voice ice-cold and calculated with a hint of disgust underneath. It made the bat pony feel slightly uneasy, not to mention annoyed. She wasn't used to her food treating her like that.
"Let Applebloom go!" the voice demanded.
"Pinkie Pie?" guessed the filly. "Is that you?"
"Yes!" the mare said coolly, no trace of her usual cheerful energy in her voice.
"Enough!" the bat pony snapped. She turned her piercing eyes at the pink mare. The yellow piercing beam, that had so much effect on Applebloom, lashed against the wall of baby-blue. Pinkie didn't even flinch.
"Don't try this crap on me," warned the pink pony. The bat mare frowned, but collected herself nearly instantly.
"Bravo!" she mocked. "You seem to have some tricks up your sleeve, but I have an army of my children ready to break your neck at my command. Will you fight us all? Can you boast our raw strength?"
"I don't have to," Pinkie replied, getting an object from her saddlebag. It was enveloped in a faint red aura. With a few rapid jerks of her head, she quickly scribbled a star on the ground with it. With one final, fluent motion she drew a circle around it. The drawing glowed with faint red light. "I'm going to summon a professional to do it." Pinkie smiled, narrowing her eyes which, too, seemed to pierce the darkness with faint blue light.
"The Bird of Hermes is his name," she chanted, as the bat mare watched curiously. "Eating his wings to make him tame." Pinkie finished and jumped back. Then... nothing happened.
"That's it?" the bat pony smirked. "It didn't work."
"Oh, it did." Pinkie smiled. "Trust me." The bat mare noticed that the pony's silhouette was becoming shadowed by the darkness. Which was strange, because apparently it was the darkness her eyes could not pierce. Suddenly, the dark mist condensed and concentrated above the star drawn on the cavern floor. It formed the strangest shape the mare had ever seen--a tall, bipedal creature with long legs and arms. Sudenly the darkness produced a set of two red eyes, glowing dangerously red in the dark, and two rows of disturbingly pointy, white teeth. They were twisted into a perverted smile, and chewing on a metal cross of some kind.
c.wrzuta.pl/wi9235/0592dfb20026bd38476e8379/alucard
Alucard corrected his glasses and surveyed the surrounding. A pastel pink equine... OK? Another one, but smaller and yellow. Aha! he smiled as he finally located his adversary. A pony or a human, a vampire was always easily discernible.
"What are you?" the bat pony asked.
"Me?" Alucard smiled, flashing his teeth in the darkness. "I'm an assasin."
"An assassin?" the bat mare's eyes were as wide as saucers now. Then she began laughing frantically. The look on her opponent's face was unfazed, though. It quickly irritated her.
"Kill it!" she commanded. A swarm of dark silhouettes jumped at the so-called assassin. Several deafening cracks, further amplified by the confined space, thundered through the cave.
The smirk slowly faded from the bat pony's snout as her wounded children fell to the ground into a black puddle of goo, and were not regenerating. She flinched as the tall creature pointed the two silver, metal, fire-spouting object it was holding at her.
"I don't know what that sorcery is, but it it would be pretty lethal even to me," she stated, cowering behind Applebloom. "But it just so happens that I have a hostage. You wouldn't kill an innocent filly, would you?" she smirked, narrowing her eyes, brushing Applebloom's mane with one of her tendrils.
The unnerving smile, that never wavered from Alucard's face, now turned into a fit of chilling guffaws. "You seem to have mistaken me for someone who I'm not," he said, correcting his glasses. They flashed dangerously in the dark. "I am not a hero, I'm the assassin."
Alucard slowly raised his guns and pointed them at the bat pony who was now clutching the filly, horrified. For the first time, the smirk faded from his face.
"Young lad- young filly..." Alucard bit his tongue, "are you a virgin?"
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090321001333/entertainment1/images/9/94/Alucard_Top_Ten_Sac.jpg
***
OK, I think we know where it goes from here. If not, read Hellsing manga.
1123937
Thanks for your input. I'm disappointed that it didn't work for you, but thanks for reading it. I enjoyed the idea of the night guards from Luna Eclipsed, and wanted to make a horror story with them, and vampirism seemed like a decent fit. Writing 18,000 words in a month with no editing help probably didn't do it any favors either, but I'm still proud of it.