A couple of things in this. First, the lack of an accent on AJ is, somewhat ironically, jarring. It's so common and ingrained that not having it makes thing feel off. Secondly, it's "coiffed" not "quaffed". That means to drink something.

Did Rarity say dang? That's much more of an AJ thing.

Ahh, yes, and the Rarijack portion that was broadcast at the start.

Plus... that was a quick trip to a town talked up in the description and given lots of detail in its time. Plus the Trixie scene felt so... rushed and disjointed.

YES THIS IS FINALLY ON FIMFICTION!!! THANK YOU SIR!! I AM VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW! now I can finally just track it instead of look in every story compilation thing on equestrian daily. so again thanks sir, I absolutely love this story.

thumbs up and favorite from me!

Well, that took a strange leap. Shetlands? Seaponies? Steampunk?

Also, wasn't Gilda supposed to be in this? I mostly came here hoping for Gilda and Trixie shipping.

Pff. Rarity was stupid bitch. AJ was thougthless idiot. Trixie was better than both of them in that scene. "Gave her what she needed" my ass. Rarity needs to be told off to stop being arrogant stupid bitch.

Thank you so much, I love this story, and being able to track it here is awesome

>>910763910763 woah woah man calm down, don't you think you are getting a little riled up over nothing?

Great story but it has a lack of a certain awesome Griffon promised in the tags.

So so so so so so so so so so so awesome

Glad to see the story finally here and updating regularly

Thank you for uploading this story to Fimfiction! I was planning to read it for a very long time and now that I can simply grab an epub file and put it on my phone, I'll definitely do it!

Is this just a case of unreliable narrarators or are you just going to fall back into the cliche of making Trixie and Gilda cartoonishly evil?

>>981845981845 Listen, I really, really hate to sound like a jerk, and I'm probably going to end up that way anyway, but for one, you'll find out when I get there. For two, and this is the part that is going to sound jerkish, but if you don't like it, you don't have to read it. I can't tell whether you're trying to help me or just criticizing me, but you've been commenting a lot, and little of it seems constructive. I appreciate the fixes you've helped me make, I greatly do, I'm just saying.

>>982414982414

Partially constructive (I do set out to do that, by and large; it's what I've been trained to do by education and helping dormmates with essays) and partially a tweak. I came in here when there were a lot of chapters posted, so my comments sort of suffered from a case of "critical pileup" because I was essentially doing segmented running commentary that built upon itself. I sort of suspected there might be Rarijack so I take that criticism back with a "Live and let live" vibe. The new ponies were unexpected, and thrown in without preamble or explanation. But that happens. Ditto there. I'm not sure about anything else going on, it looks like it turned from a road movie/buddy comedy into a Braveheart/castle siege action-adventure blockbuster with middle-fantasy or sci-fi/steampunk elements. It gets confusing as the mood switches up.

The real issue I had was, I was mostly looking forward to Trixie and Gilda. I was under the impression based on a seeming misreading of the description that they would be together in some capacity. Even as big, screaming cartoons they would be together. Heh, but that's just me. I'm actually interested in seeing what becomes of the shetlands. And where Gilda fits into all this.

However, my point stands. Either an unreliable narrator is at work, or it falls back to a common trope of Trixie and Gilda as irredeemable monsters (Or, Gilda would fall into that if she's participating in genocide; Trixie has more of a Wizard of Oz vibe to her, a mostly-effective charlatan ruling a mostly self-sustaining community in a loose sense.)

>>910756910756 quit complaianing!

>>982650982650

I agree with Tallon. Point out jarring mistakes, but going in and talking about things that'd require a rewrite is not going to help an author who still has chapters to put out. Otherwise they have to stop writing in order to go back, figure out what a rewrite entails or changes outside of the scene needing rewriting itself, which means they're losing creative ideas for the next chapter, which is on pause until they finish the rewrite. It's really going to piss off people who are eagerly awaiting the next chapter.

That said, and this is something most English Majors and other literary-trained persons never seem to get; is that fanfiction authors aren't trying to sell books to college students and the like, their works don't need to be checked against some draconian stone tablet of laws in order to be considered 'correct' or 'good', the storytelling itself is the judge of that.

>>910763910763

Trixie's a bitch.

I haven't read the story yet, but I just had to post this comment when I read the description and saw the "Romance" Tag.

*Back in Baby's Arms plays from the radio.*

Applejack: *snuggles against the back of Rarity's head, kissing.*

Rarity: *blinks awake.* Applejack?

AJ: Hmm? Yea.

R: Why did you kiss my ear?

AJ: Why are ya holdin' my hoof?

R: Where's your other hoof?

AJ: Between two pillows.

R: Those aren't pillows...!

*Screaming ensues.*

I have no regrets.

>>10402021040202 Well, no, I'm not looking to write a college-level English piece here. I've done enough of those for a lifetime, believe you me, and I've seen them written even more than I've written them myself. I've got more ahead of me still. I like to think my work is high-quality, but of course I can't make money off it--that's what my commission work is for. I write merely to explore characters and relationships, to dig at personality traits and quirks while telling a compelling story. I try very hard to ensure my work is good (Which typically involves two to five editing cycles), and yes, there is a bit of fame-seeking and a name-recognition element to my decision to write (and continue writing) fanfiction. But for the most part, it's because I have a story to tell, a lesson to impart, or exploration of a character or relationship that I feel requires attention.

And then sometimes I just like to write for the sake of it, for the sake of keeping my skills sharp. I write pieces that are happy and sad, but mostly bittersweet. I write in long bursts of energy and what I call spewing. And sometimes nothing comes to me and I regrettably have to make people wait between chapters while I get my story together. But I like to use the Ocarina of Time ideology. "A bad product that gets delayed is eventually good. But a bad product that isn't is bad forever."

So I guess that basically explains my dichotomy and/or philosophy as to the why of why I write. It isn't just for entertainment purposes, and I do try to take myself with a small measure of seriousness, at the least. Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. Thank you for commenting and providing this springboard for thought on my part. I hope to see more comments! I love responding to them.

For some reason it didn't occur to me that there could be commission work for writers

I always think about visual art with that term...

I like your story though please keep going

Yeah this could hardly be called romance...

Get up on the hydra's back!

Great Story. Can I do an Audio book read of it for youtube?

>>10803211080321 If you PM me I'd be glad to discuss it there. Rather not do so in the comments.

>>10803721080372 i don't know how to send a Private Message on this site. You can email me if you want. check my profile page for it.

Good job i wouldve liked to see rarity and aj try to bargin with trixie something along the lines of " of you do this we'll get twi to grovel at your feet"

I've been following this for a while now, mostly for the adventure and not so much the romance, but it's been pretty suspenseful. I'm really digging the conflict coming up and how AJ and Rarity are going to get out of this. The other characters are pretty neat too and don't feel annoying. I've seen annoying original characters before and it's a quick way for me to hit that back button to find something else.

Also, Trixie's my hero so it's nice to see her in a position that forces her to make tough choices. It really helps flesh her out.

Continue on! I'll be watching and reading!

*wishes he could give more thumbs*

That last line. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO GO WRONG.

>>10888141088814

This.

And very well done, I can usually predict what will happen at each plot development before it happens, and though I assumed Trixie would say yes, for once I was completely unsure how with how you had developed their characters so far in the story, I didn't see the three getting along, but you did it without making it seem unbelievable.

Have a stache.

The situation has certainly grown and seems very engaging. But I was just pulled out of the action and made aware I was reading a story. It was the dialogue. It was just... it felt forced and out of chatacter. Everyone was too polished, perfect and philosophical. Like pony Gore Vidals mixed with pony Noam Chomskys conversing over the weighty matters of political metaphysics. Not that the ideas are bad, they just seem a trifle unnatural coming from the ones they are coming from.

>>10918211091821 Unfortunate that you think so. I got several more people to proof for in-character the last few chapters and I haven't gotten many negative responses back. All the same, I appreciate the criticism as always. And it's flattering you'd compare my dialogue to such prestigious figures.

>>10878351087835 Thank you very much! To be honest, part of me wanted to take the easy route and make Trixie go "MUAHAHAHA! I WILL NEVER JOIN YOU!" But I couldn't reconcile that mindset with her character--it just didn't make sense to me.

>>10935681093568

We all have different basic impressions about the way the characters act and interact. And for some reason it felt odd to have them articulating themselves in such a smooth and sophisticated way. Applejack especially, though that seems to be a kind of sophistication that is not strictly in Rarity's character. It makes sense for Trixie to a degree but it was phrased a bit oddly for her.

But that's just me. I really just want to see more

Damn it's getting good!

Keep them coming.

Yay new chapter!

And..... cliffhangers.......... darn.  Can't wait to see what happens next!

This can't end well.

Also, for some reason, I thought of Seth as EqD's seth for a second.

inb4this isn't even seth

This chapter was full of tension. From the beginning dream (which turned out to be more accurate than I would realize), to the sneaking into the village and then the flight from it, everything was on edge. Nicely done.

There's been a lot of build-up for Seth, so I'm looking forward to how this will go down next time. The guy's big, but don't ever count a pony down!

Till next time!

oh snap, rarity and applejack are gonna throw down! and they would have the advantage considering rarity's ability to levitate stuff with magic, she could just completely immobilize him.

I hope you like the Audiobook I did of this. Find it at youtube.com/ponyficsoutloud

Hoho, this is the second (....I think.) fanfiction I have read that doesn't have "Ah" in the place of "I" for AJ. I mean, I'm already going to read it in her accent, so I found the additional "Ah" unnecessary in all those other fics. Congratulations to you, author. Off to chapter 2 I go!

In your face, Seth!

He died . The end of misery

Had a flashback from Redwall :

"Tell the Devil Cluny sent you!"

>>13707491370749 To think someone else knows Redwall! That's where part of the inspiration for this story actually came from, though I'd completely forgotten about that line.

Imma goin' ta buck yah t' next September bub.

'twas a bad idea to harm Lady Rarity,

Ouch!

>>13708701370870

I think I read one of the books. Something about a badger and Salamandastron.