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Kaityminaj775
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43w, 15hScootaloo
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Chapter 2
Scootaloo got to school fifteen minutes late. She was always late, But not this late. Nopony bothered to notice anymore when she came in; Her teacher Mrs. Cheerilee, didn't even stop talking to wait for her to take a seat anymore. Scootaloo took her seat in the far right in the back. Nopony ever sat next to her or talked to her, and whenever she tried to get close to any filly, mare, or stallion, they pinched their noses and quickly walked away. Scootaloo has never had a bath before, So her mane and tail are a purple tangled mess that was hard to brush; her blunt orange coat seemed to be filled with dirt and blood and reeked of the horrible stenches of cigarette smoke and vodka; that never washed away no matter how many times she washed in the river. She didn't even have a name anymore. Scootaloo is even surprised that she even knows her own name. Everypony called her "that orange filly". Besides all that, Scootaloo was very good in school. She did all her homework and got B grades, but that was never good enough for her mother.
After school, Scootaloo slowly walked home. She dreaded going home everyday, knowing that her mother would find something to beat her for. When she slowly opened the door, the only thing she could hear was the TV.
"Oh no! mother IS home! Another beating is coming my way!" Scootaloo thought in a panic.
She got in the house slowly making her way in the living room. But it wasn't her mother, but her father. He was sitting on the couch watching TV. He had a 3 o' clock shadow and Scootaloo knew he had a hangover. Her dad was never home. He was always at the bar and didn't come home until 4 in the morning, slept and went to the bar again. Most of the time he doesn’t even come home. He never talked to Scootaloo, he didn't even talk to her mother anymore. He often slept with other mares. Cheating on her mother. But her mother never noticed. She was to busy at another bar and even brought home other stallions. Like she was getting revenge at her father. Maybe she was. Scootaloo bottled up the urge to run up to her dad and hug him tight and tell him how much she loved him. Scootaloo tried as best as she could get to her room
quietly. She was halfway up the stairs but then she heard her fathers voice.
"Scootlaoo?? Is that you?"
Scootaloo remained silent.
"Windy Skies? Is that you?" Her father called.
"Its me Scootaloo, daddy" Scootaloo replied
"Come here."
Scootaloo slowly made her way down the stairs and and to the living room. She stood in front of her father. Her father wrapped his fore legs around Scootaloo. Scootaloo could smell the alcohol in his fur and on his breath. Scootaloo was felt weird. This was so unnatural. So awkward. "Aren't you going to hug me back?" His father questioned. Scootaloo finally let her feelings brake loose. She hugged him tight. Smiling and snuggling in to his matted, dirty, and stinky fur.
"I love you Scootaloo"
"I love you too daddy!"
Her father unwrapped him self from the hug and picked up his suitcase and walked out the door. Once he was gone, it all hit Scootaloo. She realized what was going on. He father was leaving. Not for a day, not for a week, not for a month, forever. Never coming back. Scootaloo ran out the door to the end of the pathway. But he was already gone. Who was going to be Scootaloo's new dad? Was it going to be one of those weird drunk guys that her mother brought home? The young filly sat there in despair. She didn't know weather to cry or just to get back up and get on with life. But just then her mother was standing in front of her. "Why are you out here? Get back inside and clean dammit!" Her mother said pointing her hoof towards the house. Her mother wouldn't yell outside like she dose inside or the neighbors would hear and maybe even call the cops. Her mother wouldn't want that. Scootaloo went back inside and started the dishes. Her mother followed. There was a note on the kitchen table, her mother began to read.
"What? What the fuck does Thunder think he's doing!?"
The angered mare turned to her little daughter. She yanked the filly's ear and threw her on a chair at the table. "Did you anything about this?" Her mother said in a fake polite voice.
Scootaloo had no idea what her mom was doing, but she was being nice, or was it fake? "No, mother." Scootaloo replied. "LIES!" Her mother screamed.
She took the old wooden broom from where it was resting in the corner. The little scared filly backed into a corner on the other side of the kitchen, shaking like an earthquake. Her mother started to beat her with the broom, "ITS ALL YOU'RE FAULT! YOU STUPID CUNT!" She'd scream. Scootaloo dare say nothing. She’d just whimper every time she get hit harder than the last hit. Hot tears streaked down her face as blood ran down her head into her mouth. Once her mother got tired of beating her she sent Scootaloo to her room. Scootaloo went to her room with a swollen eye and bad bruises. She sat on her bed and stared out the window, the dark night sky glimmered in Luna's wonderful moon. She watched as other mothers called their fillies and foals back inside, they said goodbye to their friends and ran happily into their mothers hooves. They went into their own warm happy homes.
"I bet their mothers don't beat them with a broom"
"Why does this happen to me?" Scootaloo thought. “Why can't I just run away?"
Scootaloo walked up to the window and and opened it. She let the cool, fresh night air flow into her tear, blood, sweat-streaked fur. It felt wonderful, like it was blowing away all the events of the day. Scootaloo climbed on the window sill, she was just about to jump. But something made her stop. It was her mother. Just couldn't leave her mother here. The filly loved her too much. By the way, where would she go?? How would she find food? "this is a bad idea" she thought. “Maybe when Im older” She climbed back into her room and crawled into her bed. She went deep into the stinky and dirty blanket and just sat there. Staring into the dark nothingness like what her brain was doing right now. She did that until she finally fell asleep.
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Very short chapter..
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Scootaloo.pngI WANT MOAR! 
The chapter may have been short but i'm liking this story!
The next chapter won't be out of awhile. There is waaay too much stuff I have on my plate right now. Im also leaving for a week and stuck in a writers block. Sorry.
Image: http://th02.deviantart.net/fs71/150/f/2011/090/9/8/shrugpony_scootaloo_by_moongazeponies-d3cvk7k.png
(I think I'm going to colour my words this time because I decided to do a bit of editing!)
Um...so I'm guessing that there are several key things in here that are breaking canon (so far).
1.) Scootaloo hasn't met Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle, somehow, and so is not a CMC rushing around Ponyville and doing awesome tricks on her totally radical scooter.
2.) Miss Cheerilee clearly doesn't care about her students anymore, because I can't see her totally overlooking a malnourished, unwashed, and clearly physically injured filly who's somehow still motivated and bright enough to get solid 80+% scores on her tests and homework assignments.
3.) Diamond Tiara (and Silver Spoon) are no longer the obnoxious schoolyard bullies because they're not even bothering to torment her on being a blank flank.
4.) Scootaloo can now fly, given that she lives in a cloud house in Cloudsdale, and makes the trip to school and back by herself.
Beyond that, I noticed a few spelling and grammar errors scattered throughout. There was at least one "I'm" where there was no apostrophe present, and the word "dose" is not the word "does". The sentence Scoots cries out towards the end of "Why dose this happen to me??" Scootaloo thought. “Why can't I just run away???" should actually read "Why does this happen to me??" Scootaloo thought. “Why can't I just run away???"
In addition, you really don't need all the extra question marks or exclamation marks for added emphasis. Quite a lot of the description is also rather wooden, and there are a number of sentences you've got that aren't actually fully independent clauses. You also have the occasional problem of switching verb tense between past and present in the middle of a sentence. I think I'm actually going to go through a little bit in the first paragraph of this chapter.
Scootaloo got to school 15 minutes late. She always was late. But not this late. No one bothered to notice anymore when she came in. Her teacher Mrs. Cheerilee didn't even stop talking to wait for her to take a seat anymore. Scootaloo took her seat in the far right in the back. Nopony ever sat next to her
or talked to her. When she tried to get close to any filly, mare, or stallion, they pinched their nose and quickly walked away. Scootaloo has never had a bath before. So her mane and tail are a tangled mess. Her coat a blunt orange filled with dirt and blood that smells like smoke and alcohol. She didn't even have a name anymore. Scootaloo is even surprised that she even knows her own name. Everypony calls her that "orange filly". Scootaloo was very good in school. She did all her homework and got B grades. But that was never good enough for her mother. After school, Scootaloo slowly walked home. She dreaded going home everyday. Knowing that her mother would find something to beat her for. When she slowly opened the door, the only thing she could hear is the TV.
Alright, let's see what we can do here.
Scootaloo got to school 15 minutes late.(Independent clause with nothing to worry about here, check.)
She always was late. I understand what you mean, but it almost seems like Yoda speak and a traditional syntax error. The adverbs "always" and "never" are almost always (see what I did there
?) placed after a conjugation of the verb "to be" (is, was, are). I can't recall if it's technically wrong, but it is awkward.
But not this late. This is a dependent clause and not an independent one, if for nothing else than the "but" at the beginning. It's dependent upon the preceding independent clause "She always was late." and it's describing her lateness. A comma instead of a period at the end of the last sentence would unquestionably solve the error.
No one bothered to notice anymore when she came in. Her teacher Mrs. Cheerilee didn't even stop talking to wait for her to take a seat anymore. Scootaloo took her seat in the far right in the back. Nopony ever sat next to her or talked to her. When she tried to get close to any filly, mare, or stallion, they pinched their nose and quickly walked away.
Scootaloo has never had a bath before. So her mane and tail are a tangled mess. Her coat a blunt orange filled with dirt and blood that smells like smoke and alcohol. You suddenly changed verb tenses on us and presented us with another independent+dependent clause not properly joined. All we'd read so far had been in the past tense, and suddenly you switched to the present tense. It's upsetting in the sense that, to me, it feels as though you're deliberately breaking the narrative to offer an author's aside to the reading audience; it kinda feels like you recognized that a reader would make a confused face after the last sentence, so you directly turned to the audience and said "Scootaloo's never had a bath before, so her mane and tail are a tangled mess" before returning to the story.
She didn't even have a name anymore. Scootaloo is even surprised that she even knows her own name. Everypony calls her that "orange filly". Scootaloo was very good in school. (this next part deals more with her relationship with her mother than it does with others at school, so it could go on a separate paragraph) She did all her homework and got B grades. But that was never good enough for her mother. After school, Scootaloo slowly walked home. She dreaded going home everyday. Knowing that her mother would find something to beat her for. When she slowly opened the door, the only thing she could hear is the TV. See some above comments for this paragraph.
Don't be discouraged by the amount that I've written above. It's supposed to be helpful. Fortunately, all of these are just simple errors that reveal a bit of inexperience in writing, and can be fixed (at least in this paragraph) with just a couple of minutes of quick proofreading. Examine my edited version below (with differences in orange).
Scootaloo got to school fifteen minutes late. She was always late, but never this late. Nopony bothered to notice anymore when she came in; her teacher, Miss Cheerilee, didn't even stop talking to wait for her to take a seat anymore. Scootaloo took her seat in the far right in the back. Nopony ever sat next to her or talked to her, and whenever she tried to get close to any filly, mare, or stallion, they pinched their noses and quickly walked away. Scootaloo had never had a bath before, so her mane and tail are a tangled mess; her unkempt coat was blunt orange and filled with dirt and blood, and the smell of cigar smoke and alcohol almost seemed permanently stained to her hide. She didn't even have a name anymore; sometimes Scootaloo was even surprised that she even knew her own name. Everypony just called her "that orange filly".
Despite it all, Scootaloo was very good in school. She did all her homework and got B grades, but that was never good enough for her mother. After school, Scootaloo slowly walked home. She dreaded going home everyday, knowing that her mother would find something to beat her for. When she slowly opened the door, the only thing she could hear was the TV.
Try something like that. Sometimes, it's amazing what a couple of minutes of double-checking can do for the quality. I tell you, it took me more time writing out the BB code for changing colours than it did for the edits.
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
Thanks for all the great tips! 
Im looking forward to using them. Wow, I have some mistakes, I feel sort of embarrassed . 
This is the first story I've written since the 4th grade, Im a little shaky.
But some of these are sort of confusing, You wouldn't mind explaining some of these to me? Thanks a lot! 
Quite a lot of the description is also rather wooden, and there are a number of sentences you've got that aren't actually fully independent clauses. You also have the occasional problem of switching verb tense between past and present in the middle of a sentence.
the adverbs "always" and "never" are almost always placed after a conjugation of the verb "to be" (is, was, are)
It's dependent upon the preceding independent clause
You suddenly changed verb tenses on us and presented us with another independent+dependent clause not properly joined. All we'd read so far had been in the past tense, and suddenly you switched to the present tense. It's upsetting in the sense that, to me, it feels as though you're deliberately breaking the narrative to offer an author's aside to the reading audience
See some above comments for this paragraph (Could you tell me about this one? Which comments??)
You wouldn't mind, explaining what these phrases mean or examples?? It would be a great help.
>>1079766 ...okay. Where are you from? If you're in Canada or the United States, or Great Britain probably, it's compulsory to continue in English/Language Arts all the way through until graduating from High School, and after that no matter what University or College program you're in English writing classes are also mandatory credits that need to be completed for certificates, diplomas, and degrees. If this is the first thing you've written since Grade Four, what grade are you in now?
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