The Everfree is a dangerous, yet enchanted place. Evening Storm knew this very well. He had never meant to venture so far into it, yet thanks to a misjudgment here he was.
Stopping for what he hoped to be a short rest under a willow tree, he finds himself in a peculiar situation. Staring at events that long seem past, he's faced with one question:
Can he do anything to change this? For her sake, he has to try.
Page generated in 0.191 seconds
Total duration
1,076 users online
2,065,341 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Nice. I feel like I'm supposed to know the character already, though.
This isn't a sequel to something, is it?
I said it at 8AM this morning and I'll say it again:
DAAAWWWWWW!
I loved that ending so much, I ran out the door to work crying because I couldn't stop before I left.
Good Job VM.
moviespad.com/photos/citizen-kane-clapping-600f1.jpg
I wouldn't be surprised if this gets featured
Sir,
I am not a man for speeches, so I shall give you a short summary for this story.
You sir... Deserve a medal.
Absolutely wonderful. It has a very fey feel to it. I appreciate authors who can keep the mysticism of magic instead of turning it into just an alternate form of physics. This kept that feeling.
This was a very well done story. The plot was interesting and mysterious, qualities that of course draw a reader into a story and keep them intrigued. The tone and word choice was for the most part excellent and fit the mood of the plot nearly perfectly. I did, however, feel that the small bits of comedy broke the more somber tone that the majority of the story had. Your grammar was very good as well, though I did see a few run on sentences and punctuation mistakes. Other than those it was practically flawless.
Overall I'd give this a 9/10. The only things weighing it down were the grammar mistakes and the out of place comedy bits. Otherwise this was an excellent read.
Thank you for giving me another story to add to my favorites collection.
(P.S. Love your anime reviews and pony commentaries, man. Keep up the great work.)
Been a long time lurker of your channel and I managed to drift my way in here and you claimed this was your best so I figured I’d try and help improve it further.
Some things to look out for:
Flow: I would move the bit that detailed the weeping willow right after it was first spotted as it is obviously important. Along with that there are some other things that I would move around to make the story flow better like in some places there were instances in which it moved to a new paragraph when it would have been fine not to do so. Some better word choice would also greatly help in this regard.
Example: ”Not that he wasn’t careful, he’d be stupid not to be. Evening wished very much to not be some creature’s snack, and with luck the protection spell would help.” Move this sentence up into the previous paragraph and leave the rest after as its own.
Comma usage: I saw several areas where you could do with adding in a comma/replacing one with a period. You also have a tendency to use them where not really necessary.
Example: “Despite all that he actually felt rather nice, not even his eerie surroundings seemed able to sour his mood.” I would suggest putting a comma after ‘that’ and a period where the comma actually is currently.
Sentence structure: Much of your sentence structure is unvarying and leads back into the comma usage and flow bits.
Example: “Brushing his hoof over the odd carvings, he wondered who would come all the way to a place like this just to care some weird symbols.” Many sentences are like this and while not bad there can be an abundance which makes the writing stiff.
Showing: Give more description to certain things that are most important to the story instead of just saying it. This can be applied to things like moods, what’s happening, and actually describing things like. Just don’t go overboard and give in to purple prose.
Example: When there were not animals around the willow it would be better to flesh it out more as that is an important point, same for many other points.
Structure: This one is more personal preference but with the infinite space of the internet I would suggest spacing out your paragraphs more just so that it’s that much more readable.
Couple of tense issues here and there and in some areas the POV felt more first person than third. Also you ask many questions through the narrations, some would take issue with that and I agree to some extent. I have something of an issue with all caps-ing to drive exclamation but some might not.
As for the actual story, I mostly enjoyed it. There is a whole mess of things I could take issue with though and debate semantics with for hours though. I personally don’t care as I’ve more or less fallen out of fanfiction entirely save for my final story which I am working on now.
I could easily see some taking issue with the fact that an OC even interacts with the main cast at all. The whole bit about the fact that it was essentially time travel. Unfortunately though my emphasis and study on science and realism in both real life and sometimes fiction holds no sway when magic comes into the equation. Even still some might call that out for being mary sue-ish. I would have almost liked it better if it still ended up being a dream regardless of what occurred. The whole speaking in flowery Elizabethan language could be debatable as I first off don’t know if it is even correct and it could be argued that only those of high status spoke as such for court decorum while others did not. And in some areas the mood got jarred and thrown around breaking flow.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that these are dire things that are all wrong in my opinion. I’m saying that others might. I rather liked the idea behind the story. The only thing I’ll say to it as my opinion is that the whole thing felt like a first person story written in third person.
There’s my block of text. If you have any questions or issues with it feel free to ask. Also if you want anything else in terms of help just ask too. I need something to rip me away from the Steam summer sale money pit I keep adding to.
934213 There are too few people in the world who feel comfortable giving reasonable criticism. And even fewer still who have anything constructive to say. Luckily, people like you and I are here to help. :P
here is the part where I give you a smilie-based summary of my emotions after reading this fic:
Pretty good fiction, and I'm not surprised by that, considering I came here after reading the first four chapters of Royal Duties: Inheritance (I'm still waiting for the fifth)
a few issues as noted by Soviet two years ago. The only one I really noticed was that the OC interacted with the mane six. I excused it by the fact that he lives in Ponyville and the characters he interacted with were the outgoing party pony and the librarian (I would also note that she's a princess, but she was not at the time of you writing this, so I guess that puts not out of the question).As for time travel? Time is not a linear progression of cause and effect. It is really more like a big bowl of wibbly wobbly timey whimy stuff. Besides, there's no telling that Evening's existence depended on the event that he intervened on. As for him remembering two different versions of the tree? Perhaps that's how the magic spell works. Either way, I don't care. The most important part of a story to me is that it clearly expresses a scenario as a function of time, regardless of how many loops this function makes when graphed.
All in all, I would give it 4.25 ± .25 stars, but it doesn't feel complete, or at least it feels like you could add a lot more. I feel that you should.
4620724
I thank you for the review, but I have a couple of things myself:
Yes he interacted with the Mane six. As you said it was basically Twilight and Pinkie. Pinkie would of course try to make friends with any pony, and since Evening likes to read, it'd make sense he'd go to the library, and yes this was long before Twilight became a Princess. I really don't like the idea that if an OC knows a member of the mane six in anyway it's immediately looked down upon. It's not like he was dating one of them or something.
Time Travel. This isn't Doctor Who, no Time Turner doesn't automatically make it part of the who universe. Time Travel in this story works by cause and effect like in Back to the Future, which is my preferred source of Time Travel adventure. Given that we can't actually time travel and don't know how it'd really work, I think arguing this with me is a moot point.
4621349 agreed on the first point and agreed to let it be on the second.
Calming, like the Willow.
Happy, like the filly.
Well!
This is truly unexpected.
Let's see how we've improved, shall we?
7447488
Well it'd be nice to get one comment on if it's improved any.
:/ I tried the best day and best time to see if I could get any new readers and failed miserably.
7449801
Times a-movin' and so are people and their stories.
If you wanted new readers you should have re-published this whole shebang and hope for it to get Featured.
FimFiction is still going strong, but it too isn't what it used to be anymore either, less people readin', less writin'.
We haven't finished reading this yet, although what we have read so far has led us to this conclusion: you need an editor/proofreader.
The tale is still good though!
7450125
I mention in my author's notes that my editor hasn't gone over it yet. (They haven't been online for a bit)
7449801
Also, a failure, like most everything else, is subjective ;P
Best day? For whom? When it's Day in EU, it's Night in the US.
Best time? For whom yet again? Did you mean timezone(lmao wat)? Seasonal time(I mean, it's still summer so most people will be out and about instead of reading stuff on FF)? Regional time(where you live, how many people do you know from your location that actually visit FF)? "Commercial" time(a lot of people are excited about upcoming movies, books, shows, games, fashion designs etc. and probably don't have time or remember to visit FF in the rush, at the moment everyone seems to be hyped about NMS and SC)?
The list goes on!
Besides, there are no such things as failures!
There are consequences(or in this case, the lack thereof)!
We learn from everything, we learn from our misgivings the most, because we subconsciously don't want anything that we believe is "bad" to happen, do we?
So we always try to either prevent or minimize the chance of bad things happening, but they still happen and from those we have learned to live.
It is by your mind alone that you choose for something to be a failure.
We all have expectations, for we think and by thinking we have thought of math, logic and most importantly, patterns.
When something doesn't conform to the pattern that we expected it to, well...
Some think like you, some think like I described and some just try again until they get what they wished for :P
When we finish reading this you are going to have one very long comment with all the mistakes we saw and tried to correct.
Nothing bad, we promise.
Well, shoot, I had downloaded this story years ago and last month finally read it and now I see there's an updated version twice as long. More to read, I guess?
9159198
Yeah I tried re-working it into a better story.
Still not quite I managed it. Didn't get many comments on it. :/
9159242
Four years.
We have changed.
We didn't even remember.
The Weeping Willow holds up to our current standards of excellence.