The Adventures of Jetpack Commando Lyra

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Jetpack Commando Lyra is the greatest jetpack commando in the galaxy. With her faithful mareservant Derpy at her side, she protects Equestria from all dangers. But when Woonbase-12 falls to the Changelings, can she prevail?

Of course she can! She's Jetpack Commando Lyra!

Written for creative challenge. Prompt: Ponies in a retro-futuristic setting.

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Comments ( 10 )

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Mystic_Shimmer

Mystic_Shimmer #1 · Jul 11th, 2012 · · ·

WTF am I reading.

My name is Silver Lining

My name is Silver Lining #2 · Jul 11th, 2012 · · ·

In your pic...is that Captain Protons Rocket? If so GENIUS!

Sanctae

Sanctae #3 · Jul 11th, 2012 · · ·

This has made my day. The few minor grammar-y issues are more than compensated for by the fact that this is genius. I love you.

Commissar Rarity

Commissar Rarity #4 · Jul 11th, 2012 · · ·

894960
The true face of beauty, that's what.

894991
Flash Gordon's rocket, actually. Captain Proton was parodying Flash pretty heavily so you weren't too far off.

895208
What kind of minor grammar-y issues? I'm sure it's probably little nitpicky things, but I like to know what I messed up, for future reference.

Sanctae

Sanctae #5 · Jul 11th, 2012 · · ·

895419 Yeah, it's just tiny nitpicks; a few things that just bumped me out of the story a little. I didn't want to come across as a douchebag so I didn't want to list them, but since you asked (I really, really liked the story-I'm-sorry-I'm-so-critical-pleasedonthateme)

>The only thing she wastes is bad guys.
I know what you're doing with this line, but it just doesn't quite work. It acts like a speed bump, the reader (or me at any rate) first notices the grammar is weird, then has to go back, re-read the previous sentence and then the 'oh, I get it' moment happens. Maybe consider pluralising it?

>Dr Poneper
This is not a criticism. I just find that word endlessly fascinating. Just saying it feels funny. Poneper. Heh. Poneper.

>‘That’s Jetpack Commander when we’re about the Bonbon X–5000, Space-pilot.’
Aboard?

>Suddenly the PLANET AHEAD light start flashing.
Starts?

>Woonbase
Again not a criticism, but just yet another word that gets funnier everytime you say it. You have a knack for this.

>Lyra turned to Space-Pilot Derpy.
Now, this is an odd one, and is pretty subjective. Throughout the story you use this rather odd present-continuous tense thing, where everyone 'presses' things and 'says' things. It works and feels wonderfully like an old sci-fi show, so that's fine. But it's a thing that you kind of notice. So, when, for one random verb, you dropped back into using 'turned', it threw me off for a second. Then we're straight back to "Space-Pilot Derpy nods, pulling back on the throttle."

>As they goes deeper into the storm
Go?

>Derpy aims her raygun at a boulder. ‘Is that one?’
As rule of thumb, dialogue should start on a new line. I started noticing it around this point. Just a style thing. No-one really cares besides me and maybe three other pedants

>'Based on the greatest of Equestrian heroes, and also your doom!’
Reads like it was based on two things: 'RD', and 'Lyra's doom'. Maybe that was intentional, but it reads a little awkwardly. Not obvious enough to be a joke, not subtle enough not be noticed.

So yeah...please don't hate me

Commissar Rarity

Commissar Rarity #6 · Jul 11th, 2012 · · ·

895601

Nah, it's okay. My motto is that you can never have enough criticism. Most of those are mistakes I missed when proofing. And mistakes my friend who read it missed too.

Now, I hate saying this because I've seen so many bad writers use this to defend their bad writing... But the first and last two points you make are really style stuff. My comedic style (and parts of my serious style) are heavily Douglas Adams-inspired, and his tendency to write sentences that require a reread to get rubbed off.

>Derpy aims her raygun at a boulder. ‘Is that one?’
I constantly debate with myself over dialogue spacing, but that seemed to flow much better than breaking it into two lines.

>'Based on the greatest of Equestrian heroes, and also your doom!’
Now that you bring this up I'm not sure what to think about it...