So yeah its pretty bad, but im tired, yesterdays headache is coming back, and im having GW2 withdrawal.  Give me your comments on the rewrites, the new situations, and I would love some people to analyze Rachel so i can see if i managed to characterize her as i wanted to.

Aww yis, its back.

I liked it, seemed much more, I dunno, real. Just an all round better story.

>>12010521201052 As I said above, its not bad, and I have seen a heck of a lot worse

>>12010521201052its not THAT bad

its pretty okay

Much more detailed on the characterization, and the environments felt better as well. If you want a hand going through it later, I'll be on Skype or the IRC

Keep at it. You can do it!

A lot of grammar mistakes compared to last time, but a much better plotline. I love it! Can't wait for more!

Not a pegasister this time round? Ah well. It's still really good, and hooray for exposition!

It has been a while since I read the original, but it does seem improved. Much more fluid and detailed. I want to continue reading.

I've had this on my "to read" list for a long time. Imagine my disappointment, when not 24 hours ago, I came to it on my list and there were no chapters .  But now it's here! And now I can be happy reading a new story!  

I is very upset by whatz I seez here... in this story I forgot.... and now want the rest of... but the story is gone.... Now this new story.... The Mistress is not amused.

Now that's the way you start out a story. I gotta say, it feels a lot more..."real" now, if that makes any sense. I especially thought that the Hobbit was a great choice of book. Not too many errors, the bit with the backstory was wonderful.

I look forward to what lies ahead.

Yay... and did you have bitch pudding(Katherine) go through too at the last second.

Aside from a few typos [lack of capitalized i in spots, bad instead of bag, misplaced punctuation and the like] that can be dealt with in a regular editing run, the chapter flows fine.

The only thing bothering me about it is this line:

Cadance and Shining armor followed me through the rift, but no one noticed the second person sit down at the same table and then dive through the still closing portal.

I know that you're saying someone else sat down at the table, noticed the rift, and dove through, but it seems hastily written.

Also, just a speculation: That someone is Katherine.

Yay its back and better than ever!! please update ASAP

Massive improvement on chapter 1!

Good job with the rewrite, looking forward to more.

Some grammar mistakes, but other than that: Yes, it's finally back!

I find this great.

Capital! This is a lot more detailed than the old version.

You might want to go over it again though. I stumbled over quite a number of "i" instead of "I" and Cadance was written in lower case a few times, too.

>>12010521201052 this is not bad, it isnt decent either

It's really good.

Keep this going or I swear to god, I'll punch you in the groin so hard that you'll find your nuts in your throat

Wow, this is... awesome! Definitely will read.

Now this, this is GOOD!

I rarely find any good stories on fimfiction so this is just awesome.

I can't wait for the next update! :D

I don't like Mary, she is bad character. Last version was better. I take back my "like" now.

184 views, 915 thumbs ups.

SEEMS LEGIT.

lol jk I know the chapter was removed and redone.

Update. :)

HiE = < Not sure if want )

Cover image =

Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_dayum.png

Me = Tracking

Hmm.. I read the other one, the first one, and I loved it. This, I must say, is QUITE better. I expect both badassery and shenanigans from this story.

Oh, no they were followed...

Ooh I like where this is going I liked the original version, but this re-write adds that certain level of emotion, I now feel for 'Rachel' a lot more making my interest in her skyrocket. Also the idea of a human coming into the chessverse without having to go through a deity adds a level of intrigue and potential conflict that I also feel was lacking in the original version. I can't wait for more.

I like

Image: http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/291/1/1/me_gusta_by_felix_kot-d4czysz.png

Meh, I've seen better.........JUST KIDDING Well, this certainly is different from the last version, lets see where this goes

I sort of miss her being a pegasister, but oh well.

I know the Hobbit well enough that I caught onto that she was reading it almost immediately!

My reaction to the bully:

P.S. Double points to you from me. 1) story more tragic than previous version, 2. The Hobbit is my favorite book (I'm a sucker for episodic)

I feel incredibly guilty for saying for what's about to be said, and I'm sorry for doing so. When I first read this story, resentment filled my mind at how popular it had become. I didn't think that it deserved its popularity. It was poorly written, and while the character did have something that we could relate to, and we could all feel pity for her, but it was flawed and broken, and I didn't appreciate its over-saturation. But know, with the revision, I can honestly say that the story deserves the popularity that it has received. While the grammar is skewed, the descriptions are far better than the original, even for a first-person story. I am probably going to be getting a lot of flame for writing such a comment, and I am also, in my opinion, guilty of hypocrisy, as my story has received over 1000 overall views, and it isn't even that well written. Rigomi, if you can find it in your heart to forgive this comment, I would heavily appreciate it, and be honored, if you would be willing to give my rag-tag story a chance. Please, accept my apology.

~The Wayword Writer

P.S: Good choice on the book!

This is so much better than the first time round in terms of... well everything. Grammar, general flow, characterisation, scene setting, everything. I think you should be very proud.

This is good, keep going.

>>12010521201052

I definitely feel for her this time, we clearly get the feeling that she's had to learn to be somewhat selfsufficient, but is still a young girl at the same time. Maybe a little bit too much telling rather than showing, but I'm not certain how to do more showing of the knowledge versus need for attention but guilt stopping her.

My main issue is the ending. After that spell was cast, and they've all gone through, someone just happens to dive through before it closes? Either expand if you can without spoilers, or else mention the interloper in the next chapter, or even later.

Hope that helped!

more

I personally liked the first version better, but this is still good. Maybe, if possible, you could have both versions somehow?

Jessica didn't like being ignored.

Dad was driving so i couldn't ask him.

Michigan is a proper noun and should be capitalized

“Speechless?”.

Thats certainly menacing,

magic wasnt real right?

I caught  sight cadance again

And there's supposed to be a space between a word and initial parenthesis (examples throughout the comment)

Good story, but you may want to look into getting a proofreader/editor

Love the rewrite  the ending may work more better if she knew who shinejng armor and cadance was

>>12012521201252  Rigomi's a girl, ya dork.

Much better rewrite.

Heh. Parent or no, noone in their right mind--- or even in their wrong one--- would pass up a legitimate offer to go to a magic world.

might have had her grab up her waterlogged book, I might think.

Who could have followe...  Oh no, please, don't tell me it was her

still awesome

Multo bene, Rigomi.  Much, much better than the original.  I am truly eager for the rest.  Also, I am a great fan of Tolkien.  The Hobbit is one of my all-time favorites, alongside the Dragonriders of Pern and other books among the high fantasy genre.

i like this better it leaves her with less to miss or go back to

I can definitely say for certain that this rewrite is loads better than the original. The extra bits showing Rachel's life really made her a more relatable and all around better character that I can actually feel for. I originally found this fic to be lacking in terms of writing quality, but followed it because the idea was pretty cool. The rewrite still has some mistakes in punctuation and capitalization and such, but I can now honestly say that it's in a completely decent-above average writing quality, when it comes to fanfiction that is. One thing that bugged me a lot about the original was how Cadance and Shining were handled and introduced, and while I'm not really sure you changed all that much, it just felt better this time around; less rushed. This might have had something to do with knowing Rachel much better, or maybe there were some changes.

Overall, I'm still following this based on the general idea, but now I am totally certain that I like this story and that, if you keep writing like this, it deserves my time. I really want to stress how much the story is improved with the much better introduction and explanation of Rachel as a character. It's really great to see such improvement in the writing.

old:

new:

Image: https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSrZ3vMwvbpL58jCc5muZus97qoXYaZtaCZxWWOaAR7aAgfz4Jk

but lets just see where this goes

This new version seems a little better played out, can't wait to see how it turns, again.

PS My mind completly jumped to Perception filters when you said, Notice me Not spell

>>12017661201766, there are two more I/i mistypes.

Logically, i knew he worked so much so we could keep our house,

but skipping the shopping would mean at least another two meals I didn't get to eat if i counted tomorrow's non-existent breakfast.

I read Spanish grammer. In English.

Image: http://scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw2788_huge.png

It hurt.

I await more my queen of D'awwww

Nice, i read the original text and liked where it was going. i read this revised, and i have two things to say:

#1: even though my grammar and spelling sucks, i noticed some of them in this, a proofreader and editor would fix that problem up, so no biggie.

#2: CAN THIS STORY BE ANY MORE AWESOME!!!

i mean, its so well thought out, and in terms of pony logic, believable. so a kid who can't talk runs into two magical ponies who just so happen to be on vacation somewhere and just so happen to be unicorns.

I WOULD TOTALLY FREAK (im being honest),

then beg them to save me from the heck-hole that would be my life.

all in all, with a bit of revision (spelling and grammar), this could turn out to be an incredible story.

dont stop, keep writing, and get an editor, that summed it up pretty much, nice job.

Huh, the original had its own flair to it, but this time around it seems a bit more interesting, I like it.

Continuing where >>12017661201766 and >>12024141202414 left off;

And thats what an Aardvark is children

And thats when i woke up

Logically, i knew he worked so much

and i was but five feet from the gates

and I realized i was starting to cry

Dangit,  I thought, Should have just gone hungry

catching sight of the women speaking to me

Again, i shook my head no. Couldn't do that even if i wanted to.

Cadance exclaimed a bit too loudly. drawing the attention

I just stared. and stared.

but now i was just mad

I grabbed cadances and her husbands hands

but i explained the ritual on paper

I caught  sight cadance again

she look like a giant. pink. Horse.

1. That's.

2. That's, I.

3, 4 & 5. Forgot to capitalise.

6. Didn't need to capitalise here.

7. Woman.

8. Forgot to capitalise.

9. Not a fullstop, it's a comma.

10. I think you didn't capitalise your A in and.

11, 12, 13 & 14. Forgot to capitalise.

15. She looked like a giant. Pink. Horse. (or something along those lines?)

Ahh... the life of a grammar nazi... is never perfect

I liked the original, but this is even better. keep it up.

Oh no, the stupid bitch is following her! EVERYPONY GET HER!!!

>>12010521201052

I'm with the people who liked the first version more.

This version started at a considerably more depressing point. If you look at it the change seems "pratical", as it serves as a better reason for the little girl to want to stay in Equestria (of course this point is debatable as she was expecting to go to Middle Earth it seems). I'm not sure how to word it properly but basically the feeling and sense of curiosity the story gave off this time around is a lot less interesting IMO.

The older version was simply more interesting, and aside from the blaring mistake made my Shining and Cadance really made me wonder "How its going to turn out?".

Though if this is how you wish to set your story I say go with it! The only thing I want to know is why the change?

but no one noticed the second person sit down at the same table and then dive through the still closing portal.

I like this rewrite. Keep up the good work!

>>12039431203943

It was basically caused by some comments i received before. I think it makes for a better story. After all, whats more interesting? A girl goes to a strange magical place, or a girl who goes into a tv show?

>>12040111204011

Well then I'll stay tuned and see for myself then.

As for the second one, I honestly can't choose one from the other XD. It serisouly would be hard to choose between Who's Line it is Anyway and Equestria.

love it

This felt like a completely different story in the way you've changed many things - and in fact it was a great improvement.

Really cannot wait for the new chapters

>>12010981201098

Well, technically she was a targetee, since she's apart of the target demographic.

Katherine is our little hitchhiker, isn't she?

Their reactions will be priceless!

I Like this.

A lot.

Theres just one problem.

WRITE MOAR.

But I liked the old chapter...

But I like this one better!

>>12010521201052

This revision I certainly liked, you improved on basically everything except on grammatical errors that somehow got skewed in the writing process (but mistakes like that are easily forgiven! )

This chapter gave a whole lot more back story; character depth and conflict (albeit the last few sentences, those felt a little rushed). Keep up the good work!

P.S.: Don't be afraid to ask a few people to read through your work before publishing to get rid of any grammatical mistakes or somehow further improve the story, it really would make this tale that much more awesome !

a small right: light?

A clock materialized with a shopping list taped to the side. A hand picked it up. Then the man walked into the supermarket, pulling out the wad of cash that might have been lost to the multiverse. After he finished, he wrapped the food and a small green book into a priority express mail box and dropped it through a portal.

But I liked brony Rachel.

Personally, I think the only thing that needed changed was the kidnapping.

MOAR OR GTFO!!!!

Shit man, i liked the original. But this portrays sooo much more emotion, i love it. Please keep it up.

VAST improvement over the original version. A multitude of minor mistakes, however, most of which are addressed below:

Children streamed into the Wooden

Don't capitalize 'wooden'

Its not so bad

It's

And thats what

that's

the schools bell

school's

Jessica

Wrong name here?

dower

dour

Well. thats too bad.

Well, that's

so i couldn't

Capitalize "I"

Rachel...Shes

she's

And thats when i woke up.

that's when I

michigan

Michigan

i knew

Again with the I. (There's a few more instances of this; just go through and check)

off. walking

Walking

Everytime

Every time

you, You

Don't capitalize 'you'

indignified

This isn't a word. You want 'indignant'.

Thats

That's

book, Katherines, landed

Katherine's (and no comma)

the women speaking

woman

cadance

Cadance (You've got this one more than once also)

wasnt

wasn't

whose to say

who's

a small right began opening

A "rift" maybe?

Better writing, more interesting, better EVERYTHING! But damn that includes cliffhangers!

alright! its great to see this story back and better then ever :3 cant wait till chapter 3 :P  

>>12018001201800 i punch her so hard the she grown nuts!!!!

DON'T QUESTION MY LOGIC!!!!

Love the rewrites! Keep up the good work!

I'm surprised she didn't murder Katherine!

HOORAY IT'S BACK. I like this version better because we actually got to know her better. In the older version all we got to know was that she was a mute and that was about it. only thing I liked better about the old version was that there was another chapter. in that spirit, MOAR

>>12010581201058Here here. Very good story.

Its different aww, I liked the way the other one progressed more but still faved and looking forward to it.

Definitely liking this version more so far.  I can't say I remember a whole lot of the original since I read it a while ago, but I'm really glad you chose to re-write it if this is what came out of it.  The whole idea about not being a Pegasister/Brony was a nice change as well, though I didn't mind it before.  

I was wondering where this went, but it's great to know that it's back. Keep it up!

I loved this first time around, and I love it second time around! It feels better now that she's not a pegasister. Idk it just feels a little more right. I love this story so f-ing much! Can't wait for the next chapter!

>>12010521201052 This isn't just great, it is beautifly (Too lazy to spellcheck) written, can't believe that you are mute . By the way, what is GW2 ?

Gangnam style > SWAG

>>12020281202028 I have two things to say... #1: I have most of the Dragonriders of PERN books and have read The Hobbit, Maximum Ride (all of the books), and many many more. #2: FANTASY GEEKS FTW!!!!!!!

Brohoof? ^w^/]

>>12115551211555

[\

>>12057441205744

I'd probably be easier if you just asked to be his pre-reader.

His eyes were shining and wet. “Honey, I don't think you understand. She isn't coming home. Ever.”

And thats when i woke up.

If you want to be a Good writer... NEVER. USE. THIS. LINE!

(Ohhh look at me... Playing with text sizes...)

Try something along the lines of.

I looked over to my father's face for a shred of an answer, a look, some words... Anything, but got nothing. After a few minutes of not down anything, he opened his eyes. They were glossy, red and puffed, I only then noticed the dried tears down his cheeks.

"I-I don't think you understand... She isn't coming back, not ever."

I stared at him in disbelief.

"She's gone."

It clicked... Mum is... Mum is...

Dead?

no... No... NO... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

****

I awoke with a start...

And continue.

I hope you don't let her be able to talk this time. Unmuting her is fine for a childish wonderment thing but it sort of trivializes the very reason she was taken to Equestria in the first place.

"Frack"

Is this a possible Destroy All Humans 2 reference?

>>12010521201052 Dude I dont know what your talking about, this is a good story. I cant wait to see more of htis

I have read the previous story and this new one and I can honestly claim that this story is a lot better.Both in grammar and in detail.I sincerely hope you plan on continuing where you left off.I was waiting eagerly for the last story and now that it has been revised to a better quality I am even more eager.Good luck on the next chapter. :)

>>12133401213340 Normally I would agree with you about that line, but in this case I think it works.  As I read that line all I could see was the troll face asking me if I was mad.  And then I kept reading and it was good.  That moment of "u mad bro" rage helps take the edge off the tragedy a bit so you still feel bad for the character without actually feeling bad.  And since it happened at a break anyway it didn't feel like it pulled me out of the story when it happened.  I can certainly see why some people wouldn't like it there, but Personally I thought it actually worked out quite well.

>>12235601223560 At least he could work on his grammar:

And thats when i woke up.

thats -> that's

i -> I

>>12010521201052

Plenty of errors, somemight be crossing over with this guy's post: >>12057441205744

While they talked,I reluctantly examined my surroundings.

back of my head.I whirled, then relaxed

“Can you understand me?”I asked. But I already knew the answer.

and for the first time since I left the school,I got a good look at his face.

Need spaces in between the highlighted words.

“Hi! I’m Katy Accardo,” she told me, holding her hand out for me to shake.

Jessica didn't like being ignored.

The name 'Jessica' just comes out of nowhere.

Dad was driving so i couldn't ask him.

And thats when i woke up.

Six inches was not nearly enough to cancel a day of school in michigan.

Logically, i knew he worked so much so we could

I was the first off. walking as quickly I could without transitioning to running,

I didn't get to eat if i counted tomorrow's non-existent breakfast.

and i was but five feet from the gates

“What's this? The hobbit? This can’t possibly be yours.”

My vision clouded, and I realized i was starting to cry.

Again, i shook my head no. Couldn't do that even if i wanted to.

finished telling the day’s events with katherine, she clapped loudly and stood up.

“Rachel, wait!” cadance said. “I can prove it.”

Need capitals.

but didn’t let it stop her for long. “Speechless?”.

The full stop after the dialogue isn't needed,and you should probably start a new line there as well.

“Hey! I’m talking to you, You can’t just ignore me!” she said, indignified.

Doesn't need capital.

Cadance exclaimed a bit too loudly. drawing the attention of several of the other diner-goers for the first time.

Should be a comma, not full stop.

“It doesn’t seem right”

Needs a full stop after 'right'.

I grabbed cadances and her husbands hands, shaking both for good measure. They look confused, but i explained the ritual on paper.

1st: Should be Cadance's

2nd: husband's

3rd: I

I caught  sight cadance again, and for a split second, she look like a giant. pink. Horse. And then I passed out.

1st: There's a double space there.

2nd: Needs a capital.

3rd: Not nessecarily wrong, but personally I think it could have been better as:

and for a split second, she look like a ...giant pink horse?

I reckon this could benefit from some better formatting as well. A few italics, bolds, and horizontal rules can really make a difference.

I finally found the will to read this remake.

It's much better then the original, congrats.

The appearance of Cadance and Shining Armor, and the journey to Equestria are no less abrupt and rushed in this version than they are in the other. And why does Cadance get it in her head to suddenly abduct a child? And don't you say that wasn't an abduction. She used the same tactics as a pedophile uses to get kids in their car. I know Rachel's life sucks, but this is a horrible way to get her to Equestria. You should have let her leave the restraunt and have Cadance take her later. Also, leaving her father like that is pretty cruel too. You can't expect her to just walk away from her only remaining parent after the other one died. Either give her a better reason to leave her father or kill him. I sincerely think this story needs to be revised again. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but it's the honest truth.