All Was Not Well In Ponyville...
Special thanks to Bronius Maximus for the preread. And, of course, there's DoctorBrony's live reading.
The apple tree trembled as the stallion’s hooves slammed into the trunk, sending most of the ripe apples on the tree into the baskets strategically placed around the base.
Big Macintosh turned and frowned at the few apples stubbornly remaining. They were ripe, no question about it. Bright red, and hanging heavily on the branches.
The red stallion turned and bucked again, putting some extra power into it. He was rewarded by a series of thumps as the apples fell. He turned back to the tree, a satisfied smile on his face-
Which immediately faded as the tree crashed to the ground, trunk smashed by his overpowered kick. The stallion stared at the shattered stump for a moment, eyes wide in shock. His customary wheat stalk dangled comically from the corner of his mouth.
“Big Macintosh? What was that?”
The stallion snapped himself out of his shock and started pushing the fallen tree to the side. “Nothin’, sis,” he called back, straining to move the tree from where it lay.
“You sure? Ah coulda sworn that was a fallin’ tree…”
Come on, the stallion thought, pushing at the tree again. His Herculean effort succeeded in shifting it a couple centimeters.
Applejack walked into the clearing and stopped, watching her brother try to push a shattered tree out of sight. She sighed. “Fer real, Mac? That’s the fifth time this week!”
Big Macintosh abandoned his efforts and sheepishly faced the orange earth pony. “Ah know. They jus' don’t make trees like they used to.”
“Looks to me like you jus’ don’t know yer own strength,” Applejack commented.
The stallion glared at the tree. “Ah know my strength. This tree was just…too fragile.”
Applejack sighed, placing a hoof in her face. “Mac…Ah jes’ don’t know what t’ do with you.”
Big Macintosh shifted sheepishly, fully aware of the lucridity of the situation. Here he was, a good few years older than the pony in front of him, and he was getting lectured.
We’ve hit a new high, haven’t we?
“Tell you what,” Applejack said. “Leave applebucking to me. Go wander around town a little.”
Big Macintosh sighed in resignation. “Eeyup,” he said glumly.
Applejack nudged him teasingly. “Besides, Fluttershy’s been eyin’ you. Might be worth goin’ after.”
The stallion blushed furiously and fled, for no other reason than to escape his sister’s laughter.
He slowed into a light trot a good distance for Sweet Apple Acres, forcing his blush to vanish. Mares were fine to chat with, but as soon as they started getting forward…
Macintosh snorted to himself. Mares were too much trouble, anyway. Couldn’t they understand he was perfectly happy tending the apple fields, with nothing more serious than blackspot to worry about? He’d gone out with another mare once, nearly three years before. Cute unicorn by the name of Lyra.
He considered it a personal triumph that he managed to put up with the migraine other ponies called a “relationship” for four full months before finally giving up.
Nope. Mares were just too much trouble. The farm kept him busy, in any case, as long as he kept-
Something smacked against his face. A moment later, it croaked in indignation, expecting to have landed somewhere a bit more…boggy.
“Oh, dear. I’m sorry.”
Big Macintosh peeled the frog off of his face and looked upward to the heavily laden pegasus hovering above him.
“Fluttershy? Any reason yer carryin’ a basket of frogs?”
The pegasus landed beside him, putting the basket down. Croaks and chirps could easily be heard from inside. “Well,” she said, “I originally brought these frogs to Froggy Bottom Bog. But now the bog’s overpopulated, so I’m taking these ones back to the marsh.”
The stallion shrugged, and deposited the frog she’d dropped back in the basket.
“If I might ask,” Fluttershy said, unconsciously hiding behind her mane, “Why aren’t you back at the farm? Isn’t it applebuck season?”
Macintosh looked away. “Well, Ah…kinda misjudged mah strength…and kicked over a tree.”
Fluttershy gasped. “You kicked over a tree?”
“Ah know,” Big Macintosh said. “Applejack ain’t happy ‘bout it.”
“That’s not what I meant,” the pegasus said, backtracking. “I mean…that takes a lot of force, doesn’t it? You must be really strong.”
The stallion shifted awkwardly. “Thanks fer the compliment an’ all, but…”
“I’m sure it comes from pulling plows all day,” Fluttershy continued. “Don’t you ever have time to…relax?”
Warning bells went off in the earth pony’s brain. Something was off here. He recognized that tone, and the subtle emphasis on “relax”. Fluttershy was…
Flirting…with him.
“Fluttershy,” he said nervously. “Don’t you think them frogs should be getting to the swamp sometime soon?”
“They can wait,” Fluttershy said.
Big Macintosh took a step back. This was all wrong. Fluttershy was supposed to be…well, shy. Hence the name.
“Listen,” he said, taking another step back. “Ah just-“
“You what?” Fluttershy breathed, moving right up close to him.
Big Macintosh swallowed. Why were her wings still standing up from her back? He didn’t know a lot about pegasus anatomy, but he knew enough to be genuinely perturbed by what he was seeing.
“I…I…”
Words failing him, the stallion turned tail and fled, crashing through the underbrush where the uncharacteristically forward pegasus couldn’t follow. When he was sure he was out of earshot, he slowed to a walk, letting out a deep sigh. Damn these ponies, he thought to himself. They drive me to drink.
Fluttershy had never been that forward about anything. Usually, if he’d been the one to suggest spending some time together, she’d let out a frightened squeak, blush, and hide behind her mane. Now it seemed that their positions were reversed.
Must be in heat, or something, he decided. All mares went a little rangy for a few weeks every year. Many of the more conservative ones, Fluttershy included, just made themselves scarce during that interval.
Well, nothing to be done about it. The only thing he could do was try to avoid-
“Oh, hey Big Macintosh!”
The stallion jumped nearly a metre into the air, letting out an uncharacteristic shriek. Once his hooves touched the ground again, he whirled around, glaring at the purple unicorn standing behind him. “Twilight! Don’t sneak up on me!”
“Well, someone’s high-strung,” Twilight commented, walking closer. “What are you doing out here in the forest?”
Big Macintosh indicated back the way he came. “Tryin’ to get away from Fluttershy. She’s…well…”
“Oh,” Twilight said, cheeks reddening.
The stallion took a nervous glance behind him. “Ah just hope-“
“There you are!”
Big Macintosh yelped, glancing up, where the canary pegasus hovered over a gap in the trees. “I found you!” Fluttershy crowed, picking her way down through the branches.
The stallion let out a frightened neigh and crashed through the bushes again, heading in the general direction of Ponyville.
“Big Macintosh!” Fluttershy called after him. “Wait!”
This time, he didn’t stop. He kept up the gallop all the way to Ponyville, despite the scratches stinging on his flanks from where he crashed through a patch of nettles.
He glanced behind him, hoping Fluttershy hadn’t deduced where he was going. He relaxed for a moment, seeing nothing in the sky…wait.
Oh, damn. A yellow dot was growing in the distance.
Macintosh glanced around, looking for somewhere to take cover. Rarity’s Carousel Boutique beckoned immediately.
The stallion burst inside, ignoring the “closed” sign on the door.
“Rarity,” he panted. “You gotta help me. Fluttershy’s-“
Only then did he notice the state of the room. Gems and scraps of fabric were strewn over every surface. This was a fairly common sight when the unicorn was buried in some project, but this mess seemed…different, somehow. It wasn’t the organized chaos he was accustomed to. This was just…a mess. No order to it at all.
Come to think of it, one thing was missing. Rarity.
He took another step in. “Hello?”
This ultimately turned out to be a mistake. “Mine!” snarled a voice from the back room.
Big Macintosh jumped back, letting out his third surprised yelp of the day, as a disheveled alabaster unicorn charged out from the back room.
The stallion barely had time to register the severity of the situation before the unicorn slammed into him, knocking him to the ground. “Such a big, strong stallion,” she whispered into his ear.
Oh, Celestia. Not you too…
He wasn’t really sure how he was able to extricate himself without hurting the unicorn, or destroying half the shop in the process. The point was, he did. Moments later, he planted his weight on the other side of the door, while the spurned unicorn pounded on the other side. “You can’t get away that easily, you big hunk of stallion!”
Please just go away, please…
At that exact moment, Twilight decided to appear in a flash of light.
Big Macintosh sighed in relief. “Twilight. Thank Celestia. Quick, Ah need you to-“
“You never let me finish what I was going to say,” the unicorn said, grinning seductively.
The earth pony shrank against the door. “Twilight, Ah don’t want to hurt yer feelings, but Ah don’t want a relationship right now, and Ah think you…”
“Don’t pretend you don’t like the attention,” Twilight said, wrapping a thread of magic around his neck and tugging insistently.
Big Macintosh dug his hooves into the dirt, struggling to both resist the magic and continue to hold the door closed. For a small unicorn, Rarity certainly had a lot of energy.
“Maaaacintosh…”
The stallion groaned, looking up. Fluttershy hovered above him, a sultry grin plastered on her face.
“Hey, back off!” Twilight shouted. “He’s mine!”
“I saw him first!” Fluttershy shot back.
“Let me out!” Rarity howled from behind the door.
Big Macintosh stared dumbly at the two ponies in front of him. A muscle under his right eye began to twitch.
“There’s only one way to settle this,” Twilight said, glaring at the pegasus, who had alighted on the ground, her wings now too stiff to keep her aloft. “He’ll just have to choose.”
She turned toward Rarity’s boutique. “What’ll it be?”
Twilight frowned. “Macintosh?”
Big Macintosh galloped down the streets as fast as his legs could carry him, panting in terror. Why didn’t they take the hint? He didn’t want a relationship! Why didn’t they just leave him alone?
They’re in heat. That’s why. All of them. All at once.
Big Macintosh spat a few choice obscenities as he raced away. He had never been so glad in his entire life to not be a mare. To be driven into a hormone-fuelled frenzy every year…it was no wonder every mare he met seemed imbalanced.
A dark building to his right caught his attention. Without wasting any time, the stallion barreled inside, slamming the door behind him.
Once inside, he finally relaxed. Finally, a moment of peace. Now if only he could figure out how to get back to the farm without anyone-
“Hey.”
In ordinary circumstances, the stallion would have jumped. With his nerves as frayed as they were, he screamed at an octave entirely unbefitting for his gender and ran away from the voice…straight into a support pillar.
In the few moments it took for the room to stop spinning, the mystery pony was already at his side. “Relax, Big Mac. It’s me.”
Big Macintosh looked up, into Rainbow Dash’s magenta eyes. “Ah swear, if you-“
Dash laughed. “Relax, Mac. I’m not into that sort of thing, remember?”
The stallion grimaced. “No. Yer just into my sister.”
The cyan pegasus grinned at him. “Now I thought you were over that.”
Big Macintosh shuddered, peeking out through a crack. “What the hay is goin’ on? Everypony’s gone stark ravin’ nuts!”
Dash sighed. “You really need to get out more. It’s just that time of the year.”
“What time?” Macintosh snarled. “Everypony Ah’ve met has gone into heat! What kinda time is that?”
Rainbow Dash winced. “I guess it’s just bad luck that you came to town today. You’re usually at the farm this entire time, applebucking. You’d have missed it all.”
“Missed what?” Macintosh pleaded.
The cyan pegasus waggled her eyebrows.
Macintosh paused. “You mean…this time every year…every mare…”
“Now you’ve got it!” Rainbow Dash said, clapping a hoof onto his yoke. “Every other stallion who doesn’t want to get mobbed skips town this time of year. Something about late spring just...”
She laughed nervously. “This year was a bit nasty, I admit. I had some trouble keeping myself under control. You’re probably the only stallion who actually stuck around.”
Something suddenly occurred to the stallion. “What’re you doing in here, anyway?”
Dash shrugged innocently. “Nothing. Just happened to be here.”
Macintosh’s eyes narrowed. Meanwhile, the pegasus peeked through a hole in the wood, scanning the street. “Okay,” she whispered. “All clear. You’ve got a clear shot to Sweet Apple Acres. Go there and wait for this to blow over.”
The stallion tossed his misgivings to the side. Hard to believe all this was happening just because he kicked a tree too hard…
“Go!” Dash hissed. “Before anypony shows up!”
Big Macintosh pushed the door open, “Thanks, Rainbow. Ah owe you one.”
He looked forward, and froze.
Every single mare in Ponyville was standing there in front of him. Every. Single. One. Even his ex-marefriend Lyra, staring at him with those doe eyes that irritated him to no end.
And they looked…
“Here you go!” Rainbow Dash announced. “The only stallion dumb enough to stay here! Go nuts!”
The crowd of mares let out a deafening bellow of lust and charged at the terrified stallion.
Big Macintosh had time for one horrified scream before he was enveloped by the crowd. Hooves began pawing at him from every direction, as every mare in the crowd tried to get him for themselves.
Please, Celestia, or whatever else is up there, get me out of this, I swear I’ll do anything you ask, just get me away from these crazy mares!
Much to his alarm, a voice answered. Anything?
Yes! he thought back. Anything!
A violet flash enveloped him, spiriting him somewhere else. The crowd of frustrated mares collapsed in on itself, and began wildly looking for the stallion.
He was nowhere to be found.
Big Macintosh reappeared in a building somewhere. Where he was really didn’t matter. As long as he was away from the town’s insane female population.
After a moment, it occurred to him to look around. Stone walls...tapestries...
His brow furrowed. Am I…in a castle?
His eyes widened as realization dawned. Oh, no…
“Oh, yes,” Princess Luna replied, horn glowing as she bound him with a chain of magic.
The stallion struggled against the bonds, but to no avail.
“You said you’d do anything,” the alicorn said, moving closer. “Remember?”
Big Macintosh sagged, defeated. “Fine,” he moaned. “Ah give up.”
Luna laughed. “Oh, I have no intention of making this easy. No intention at all. After all...”
She leaned close and leered evilly at the stallion. "I have a thousand years to catch up on."
The stallion’s eyes widened in terror. Why didn’t I just stick with Fluttershy…
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That about sums it up.
48446
Eeeeyup.
48446
And I meant that in a good way. I really enjoyed the story, although I had to try and keep myself from laughing too much.
As much as I seriously hate the idea that these ponies go into heat... this was amusing.
DAMN!
is a P.I.M.P BEEYYUUTTCCHHH!!!
48470 I second the motion. Even if a pimp should not spend most of his time fleeing sex.
lol
Big Mac = king of swag. All that he needs now is a large hat, a floor length coat and a pimp cane. and maybe some running shoes.
lol this is great
:pinkiecrazy:Kikiki...MINE!!!
NOW 20% WORSE FOR BIG MAC!!!!!!
omg.....AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
laughing at the end loooooooooooooooolz
The hell man, first a beautifully written sadfic, and now a beautifully written comedy? You sir are a pony of many talents. Hopefully the next will be a shipfic! Or a Grimdark....
Anyway great work! Best wishes.
i like it when people roleplay in comment pages
They make me look like an absolute not-a-faggot
btw this shit is cooooooool and shit.
48551How about a clopfic?
this fic made me 20% more jovial. good show old chap.
Only one way out Big Mac.[img]C:\Users\Zachary\Desktop\Pics\FJ\Gifs\131601157777.gif[/img]
AJ is messed up.. She was TRYING to get him set up! She's sick!
48565 If it is sappy and romantic I am fine with it.
this sums up pretty much every fanfic involving big mac i've read
That, my friend, was bloody excellent. It was very well written and, quite frankly the idea of every single female going crazy for one male always appealed to my twisted sense of humor.
Bwuahahaha X-D
And then Celestia walked in.
48585
I thought that that might have been the case too!
48585
I thought that that might have been the case too!
If I where big mac I'd be diving into that crowd.
At first I thought, "
, Rainbow Dash, aren't you supposed to be LOYAL to your friends and not betray them to a bunch of sex-crazed mares?" Then I realized that those "sex-crazed mares" were Rainbow Dash's friends too, that she was closer to them than to Big Macintosh, and that therefore, she owed more loyalty to them.
, you should have just stuck with Fluttershy. Now there is really only one thing left to say. "Death by SNU-SNU!"
Oh, and this was Awsome! Please keep the
coming!
Big Mac's face when he opens the door at the end:
thefilmstage.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/2001_A_Space_Odyssey_800x600-650x487.jpg
48646
Nice futurama ref, I was thinking that too
Funny, and fun!
well fu-
I guess he' scr-
damnit, i can't find the words without making a pun about his situation
Big Mac: aw shit...
That was amazingly amazing.
Just let it happen, Big Mac. Just let it happen.
So much win!!
WHOOOO!!!!
, screwed either way.... Wait.
Poor
(pun not intended)
When It got to when Rainbow Dash opened the door, I actually said,"Oh shit." That was seriously a great ending.
...at least it was Lunaughty....it could be worse, it could be Molestia?!
...
...
I love Rainbow Dash's part in this, just perfect.
...good thing big Mac had his benches veil o wait he didn't I told him to buy one but no he had to get 4 pairs of boots why mac WHYYYY...
Oh No! poor Mac! ... what happens next?
Grand Master Pimp Macintosh
Me at the end
myfacewhen.com/images/329.jpg
I don't think we recognize just how fuckin' alpha big mac is.....
48513 Eeyup
48782 I second that motion!
Sounds like
forgot to take his swag off.
Oh wow, this is hilarious.
I can't wait for the next chapter.
This...this made me laugh so hard. Excellent. Just wondrous. You need to write more comedies. =D