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Princess Solestia, older sister to Princess Noctis, and an unnamed colt. At least, she was until this morning. Now, Solestia is going to take out whatever took her brother away. She is not the head warrior of her village for nothing.
Written for FanOfMostEverything's Imposing Sovereigns writing contest.
Edited by RK
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I have not seen a piece like this before. I am intrigued. Good job.
Interesting take, I've got to say. Have a like, good sir!
8027367
Thanks, I got the idea some time ago!
8027393
Thank you very much i'm glad you enjoyed it!
Certainly a striking scene, but one that could use some more proofreading. Furthermore, there are a number of dubious storytelling choices and ambiguous details: Why do these Stone Age ponies seem to be exclusively carnivorous? Why make the sisters' names different? At what age is a pony no longer considered a child in this society? (All of the fretting makes this terribly unclear.) Why call it a "canis" instead of just a wolf? (And for that matter, where's the rest of the pack?) Why leave the chant during the spear drill untranslated? Indeed, why leave some terms unexplained until a glossary of all things when you could have worked the definitions into the story more organically?
Aside from that, the pacing is simultaneously dragging and abrupt. The opening breezes through grief, plods through preparation, and zips through the actual fight, emphasizing all the wrong places in the narrative. You have a great idea here, but you definitely could've carried it out better.
Still, thank you for your participation. Best of luck in the judging.
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Sorry, I had to.
Shouldn't that be 'tribe' and 'a'?
There should be a space between the bolded words.
Is that meant to be a quote?
Is that meant to be capital?
'You are still small - half the size of a stallion.' would work better.
Add a comma after 'us'.
A colt is a foal - just a male one. Having both is redundant.
Good ol' Celestia, always cutting to the heart of the matter.
Yeah, somebody mess with this mare. I dare you.
Love the idea behind this, assume the war dance is haka inspired.
8029134
It is yes!
8027926
Fixed, thank you
8027429
I thought i'd respond to some of your questions. First about them being carnivorous. Tia's tribe "does" eat more meat then other tribes but that is because of two reasons. One they are a war centrist tribe going so far as to sharpen their teeth. Two is pure biology. For ponies to be evolved as they are they have to eat some type of meat. It's the only real way to evolve as far as they do.
Celestia and Luna were named by the shaman present at their birth after the deities of the sun and moon due to their coat colors. IE Solestia and Noctis. When they became alicorns or slightly before during the reign of Discord they took the names Celestia and Luna.
13 is roughly adult hood in their village by then mares are married and are usually with foal.
The chant is a form of the maori Haka called the KaMate. Which sounds amazing in maori but rather lame and broken in English. I could have created something else but I felt at the time that it presented what it needed to.
As for the other things I translated. the time of prime goes back to when days were cut into 6 periods rather then 3 and the names of the villages were just that the names. I hope that answered your questions. I would like to do a longer story about Solestia and Noctis. Who knows.
8027458
I quite agree. Perfect for this fic!
Excellently done; I don't think I've ever seen something done this way.
8027429
I think the answer to most of the those questions woud "because it is, like, a RE-HEAAALLY long time ago." Possibly even up to tens of thousands of years. To have things called the same as that long a period is to stretch credulity beyond belief; they could not possibly be speaking the same language.
(Let us not forget the phenominal liberty canon takes in allowing Luna to initially speak a dialect only a mere 430 years old; in reality, she would be speaking something akin, not Early Modern English, but to late OLD English. While Chaucer's Middle-English is akin to trying to read poorly-literate fanfiction[1] from someone that does not know what "dictionary" means to a modern reader (you can get the gist, but it requires a fair bit of work), Old English (e.g. Beowulf) is more or less completely unintelligable. (And "Celestia preserved the language" is much of an excuse, since language drifts naturally- even in my lifetime, vocbulary has changed somewhat.))
[1]No offense to Chaucer, of course - my point is he IS writing in another language, technically; just one which is not so far removed from modern English as to have points of contact.
I've never seen ponies do a haka before. That was kind of awesome.
But then the story's over right after that. :/
8043417
I agree, sadly the story of Solestia and Noctis really doesn't work in a one shot. I actually regret trying but do plan to write a far longer story about them.
8043694
Would definitely be interested in that! :)
Very good story
Part 2 of my look at all the "Imposing Sovereigns: Warrior" fics is up have a review.
This is a fascinating world and origin for the Royal Sisters. I'd like to see more of it.