• Published 7th Jul 2012
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Palace Perils - Rated Ponystar



Princess Luna vs Philomeena in a prank war

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Chapter 7

Palace Perils

By The Rated Ponystar

Formerly Edited by Fernin, tayman2037, and Clavier

Edited by: Adjudicator and Unnamed Pawn

***

Mr. Cake didn’t often like to admit it in front of others, especially in a town that adored pets, but he wasn’t very fond of animals. He had nothing personal against them; rather they seemed to have something against him. Whenever he went out, he would always have to deal with some bird pecking at his head, a cat scratching his clothes, or a dog peeing on him like he was a tree trunk. Strangely enough, the only animal that he had no problems with should have been the most dangerous.

Holding Gummy’s food tray, Mr. Cake placed the toothless alligator’s lunch beside the reptile and stared into those creepy eyes. It brought a shiver down his spine. How in Faust’s name Pinkie convinced us to let her keep him, I’ll never know. He turned around and shook his head before closing the door, convinced the alligator would be doing nothing like he always did.

Oh, how wrong he was.

After making sure the coast was clear, Gummy sat up on his hind legs and smiled, blinking his eyes now that he no longer needed to be in cover. Walking towards his bed, he lifted his mattress and pressed a big red button, causing a part of the wall to open up and reveal a tunnel chute. The grinning alligator went down the chute before it was hidden again by the secret passage in the wall.

Mr. Cake entered the room again, swearing to himself that he heard a noise. Upon seeing nothing out of the ordinary, other than Gummy disappearing again, he shrugged his shoulders and closed the door.

***

A few minutes later, deep under Ponyville, a steel door opened to reveal none other than Gummy, dressed in the tuxedo that he always kept ready and spiffed. He proceeded to walk into his headquarters’ main room, filled with gadgets and the latest spy technology available on the market, the majority consisting of computers, monitors, and data scanning equipment. His grin widened as he passed each gadget, remembering every use of them on his secret missions given to him by the brass.

“You're late, Agent G,” said a female voice from behind the chair positioned in front of the room’s most dominant feature, a massive supercomputer connected to dozens of monitors. Her claws typed away on the keys before she turned around, revealing a feline glare that cowed most agents. But Gummy, having worked with Miss Opal for years, knew that behind that jungle fury was a gentle pussy cat.

“Sorry, Miss Opal,” answered Gummy in his usual Trottingham accent, “Had to wait until Mr. Cake was sure I wasn’t going to do anything suspicious. And might I add I love the diamond necklace. I’m assuming it’s from Rarity?”

Opal rolled her eyes as she went back to typing. “No, I got it from Winona. Of course it’s from my owner, you idiot. Now listen up, we’ve got a problem.”

“What’s the sitch?” asked Gummy, now turning to the board of monitors with a frown. A number of images of a cow with a long pointed beard, narrow eyes, and dressed in Nieghponese clothing flickered across the majority of screens, transforming the alligator’s frown into a glaring scowl. “My arch-enemy, and one of the most evil scientists in the world: Fu Moochu.”

“Yes, we believe he’s recently came across an illegal shipment of Mind Control Potions that were being shipped from Stalliongrad,” explained Opal, pulling up a picture of the potion while a list of its side effects were shown in a separate window. “We didn’t know where the potions were located until we found out that Moochu happened to be spotted at this building.”

A photograph of a cow, surrounded by ponies in white work gear, was shown entering a building. That raised Gummy’s eyebrow. “Isn't that...”

“The Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Factory in Canterlot? Yes,” said Opal, removing all the images and replacing the screen with a blueprint of the building. “Your mission is to enter the factory, find the potions and sabotage them. Capture Fu Moochu if you can, but the potions come first.”

“Don’t worry, Opal,” said Gummy, giving her a toothless smile. “By the time I come back, we’ll have just enough time for dessert.”

Opal gave a brief smile before returning to her scowl. “If you're done wasting your time on one-liners, you should head to your jetpack. You’ll find all your usual gear there as well.” Gummy nodded and was about to make his way towards the launch pads when Opal turned around and said, “Agent G! Gummy... come back alive, alright. I don’t want to waste the night writing your death certificate.”

Agent G smiled. “Relax, Opal. I’ll be back, and I’ll bring back some whipped cream for tonight,” he said with a sly wink.

The blush on Opal returned twofold as Gummy left the room. Secretly, she was also hoping he would bring back some cherries as well.

***

Outside of Sugarcube Corner, Derpy Hooves was happily making her way towards the Cake’s mailbox, humming a tune she heard on the radio this morning. Taking out a series of letters she prepared to place them in when she felt the ground shake. Her crossed eyes widened as the ground in front of her sunk a bit and then slid underneath itself.

In it’s place was now a deep pony sized hole that looked to be made of metal from the inside. Curious, Derpy peered inside, only to suddenly fall back on her rear with a yipe when something shot out faster than she could blink. Adjusting her eyes, she saw what looked to be Pinkie’s pet alligator in a tuxedo flying with a jetpack on his back. He glanced at her, gave a two finger salute, and flew off in the direction of Canterlot.

Derpy stared at the retreating figure in the sky before turning back to the mailbox which had come back into place when she wasn’t looking. She stared at it for some time before she put in the letters, shrugged her shoulders, and continued to hop to her next stop, humming happily.

***

Inside the Hoofgen Dazs Ice Cream Charity Fundraiser, four mares were going through the absolute worst thing that anypony could get in a factory surrounded by vanilla, chocolate, and dozens of other flavors of delicious ice cream: total brain freeze. Moaning, Berry Punch was the first to raise her head from the table. “Kill me... sweet Faust, end my suffering and kill me...”

“Why must everything good in the world always destroy you internally?” muttered Lyra, rubbing her stomach in pain. The four of them were covered in ice cream with nearly a hundred empty bowls surrounding them. An upset janitor glared at them before picking the dishes up one by one.

Each of the mares slowly began to fall asleep from all they ate until a large ringing noise startled them violently awake. They looked around for the noise, until Bon-Bon heard it coming from her saddlebags. Reaching inside, she pulled out a radio and turned it on. “Um, hello?”

“Where the hay have you been!” shouted Colgate from the other end.

“Colgate?”

“No, it’s Santa Hooves. Of course it’s me! Princess Luna threw me out of the factory after I caught her supplying the enemy with her own specially made cakes! I need your help to break back inside!”

The four rolled their eyes. Lyra levitated the radio over to her and said, “Why can’t you just walk back in the front door? Why do we have to do anything?”

“Because those security guards have been getting in my way! I’ve tried charging forth, but they just levitated me and threw me in the trash. Then I tried dressing up as an old lady looking for her grandcolt, but my wig got blown off by the wind. And I even tried pretending I was an Element of Harmony, but they didn’t buy it when I told them my element.”

“What did you say your element was?”

“The Element of Toothpaste.”

Four face hoofs simultaneously happened. Cheerilee took the radio and replied, “Toothpaste isn't’ an Element of Harmony, Colgate.”

“Well, it should be. Anyway, me and my new comrade are by the back entrance, but we’ll need help getting in. I need three of you to come meet us while one of you stays behind and tries to stop Princess Luna from giving everypony those cakes. Apparently, she’s up to something with them and I want her stopped! Now on three! One! Two! Three! Super Shiny Teeth Team Go!”

“Super Shiny Teeth Team Go... ugh,” muttered the four as Cheerilee tossed the radio away.

The four turned to their left where, from a distance, they could see Princess Luna ordering her guards to continue bringing in the cakes, the pile of which had increased greatly in size. Berry shook her head. “So which one of us is spared from insanity? Cheer? Check the list.”

Cheerilee reached into her saddlebags and took out a small notepad. She flipped the pages as each of them waited with held breath. When she stopped, Cheerilee groaned at who she saw was written next. “Lyra...”

“Yes!” Lyra clapped her hooves while Bon-Bon and Berry Punch sighed in frustration. “Well, might as well get started. I happen to be very good at distractions.” To her friends’ surprise, she levitated a miniature boom box out of her saddlebags.

At the sight of this, Bon-Bon’s eyes widened. “Lyra... don’t tell me you’re going too...”

The sly smile on Lyra’s face was enough to make Bon-Bon sweat. “Oh, I am. See you girls later!”

The three watched as Lyra happily skipped away, Bon-Bon covering her face with her hooves. Berry leaned forward and asked, “So what is she gonna do that’s so bad?”

Although her hooves were blocking her face, the two others were able to hear three words. “... her happy dance...”

***

The crowd forming around Luna’s stand had gotten much bigger now that most of the cakes were piled on top of one another. Many of the foals were licking their chops at the sight of such royal looking cakes, each of them wanting to just dive forward and taste the smooth frosting in their mouths. Philomena couldn’t help but chuckle. Soon her big prank would come to fruition and the fundraiser would become a real chocolate-fest. And once it’s discovered that ‘Luna’ was the one who did this, they’ll driver her straight out of Canterlot! That will teach her! She couldn’t help but raise her head proudly. Nothing can go wrong now!

“Hey everypony!”

Philomena opened her eyes and turned around where she saw everypony looking at a light green unicorn standing on her hind hooves on a stand. She put down a boom box and shouted, “Everypony watch as I do my Happy Butt Dance!”

Wait, her what?

At the mentioning of this, the unicorn pressed play on the box which started playing a catchy tune that started to get a few ponies nodding their heads too. All of a sudden Philomena saw the strangest, most curiously hypnotic, dance. All the unicorn did was put her forelegs to her flanks and started shaking it back and forth while on her hind legs. It went on and on, and while it was such a stupid dance, for some reason nopony could look away.

Maybe it was the sheer silliness or the music that seemed to never end, but everypony in the immediate area from the guards, to the visitors, to even Philomena herself just focused on that single unicorn. And she shook her rump on and on and on...

***

Luna was starting to grow impatient. Although Colgate had assured her that her friends would distract Philomena long enough for them to get back inside, every second wasted was another nail in her reputation’s coffin. Growling, Luna shouted, “Ugh! Will they just get here already?!”

Colgate, busy eying the only security guard at the back gate, turned from her hiding spot near a trash can and hissed. “Quiet! That guard doesn’t know we’re here yet! You want our cover blown?!”

“Actually, you’re not that invisible since we saw you halfway down the street.”

Philomena and Colgate turned around to see Bon-Bon, Cheerilee, and Berry Punch walk towards them with bored expressions. Bon-Bon noticed Luna and raised her eyebrow. “Isn’t that Princess Celestia’s pet.”

“Yes, I am, but that’s not important,” said Luna who quickly raised her wing upon seeing the surprised faces. “And yes, I can talk, but that’s not important either. What is important is getting us back inside the factory so we can stop Philo-I mean-Princess Luna from causing serious harm to my-ugh, I mean-her reputation.”

“Why do you care? Rumor has it that you two hated each other,” asked Berry Punch. “Hasn’t there been some sort of prank war going on between you two?”

“Who told you that?” asked Luna, tilting her head.

“I’ve got a brother in the guard,” answered Berry, “That still doesn’t answer the question.”

“Yes... well,” Luna tried to think of a good excuse, but she was coming up short. There was no way they would believe that she was the real Princess Luna unless she had proof.

Thankfully, she was saved by Colgate who interrupted them. “Look, it doesn’t matter. We need to get in there and you three need to help us!”

“Why?” asked Bon-Bon, duly. “We really have no obligation to do this.”

“Why?!” screamed Colgate rising up to all fours. Chest puffed out and hoof raised, Colgate answered, “We must do this so that the future of foals’ teeth is white, sparkling, and clean! We have a duty as grown ups to protect them from the evils of plaque, gingivitis, and cavities! We have had tough times and there will be even tougher times, but like the warriors of old we will prevail and have our names go down in history! So what say you, my friends?! Shall you join me in bring down this establishment of evil! Or let our future waste away like yellow molars.”

Colgate’s friends looked at each other and then back at her saying, “No.”

“Gah! Fine!” shouted Colgate, glaring at the floor. “I’ll pay for dinners at T.F.I. Friday’s for two months.”

“Plus tip?” asked Cheerilee.

“... yes.”

“We’re in,” the three replied immediately.

Luna rolled her eyes. “Great, now that all this is done, how are we planning to get past the guard?” She pointed to the stone-faced pegasus that stood barring the entrance at full attention. Even though he was a security guard, he had the physique of a royal guard, and seemed to carry the same discipline with him.

“Oh, this will be easy. All I have to do is play my usual role and we’ll be in,” said Cheerilee. She cleared her voice and proceeded to walk forward, the others watching her as she trotted towards the guard.

When she was right up in front of him, she gave the best fake nervous smile she could give and said, “Excuse me, sir? I’m afraid I’ve lost one of my little students and was wondering if you could allow me inside to see if she wandered off around here?”

The guard didn’t respond. He didn’t even glance at Cheerilee, who was starting to look really worried. “I’m serious, sir. This filly is lost and afraid, and I don’t know what kind of trouble she might be getting herself into!” The guard still didn’t respond.

Seeing that she wasn’t getting anywhere with this, Cheerilee started to back away. “W-well, I guess I’ll look elsewhere. It was nice meeting you, and if you do see her please tell her that her teacher is looking for her. Goodbye.”

Grumbling, Cheerilee retreated back to the other girls, who were looking at her with amusement. “What happened to this being easy, Cheer?” asked Berry in amusement. Cheerilee responded with some more mumbling before sitting down with her hooves crossed.

“Alright, so Cheerilee failed. Who's next?” asked Luna.

Bon-Bon smirked and stepped forward. “Watch and learn, ladies. If there is anything that can distract a stallion, it’s a beautiful mare.”

Unable to resist, Berry snickered. “Oh really? Where are we gonna find one at this hour?”

Ignoring her friend’s remark, Bon-Bon made her way towards the unmoving guard. Raising her shoulder a bit and winking, she said, “Pardon me good sir. But I seem to be a bit lost at the moment. Could you help me find my way around the city so I can make my way towards a friend I’m suppose to meet?” She held her position for a waiting for a reaction, but to her shock there was none. Not a flushed face, a raised eyebrow, or even a perverted grin. Realizing she had to play a bit more physical, she turned around and started stroking her tail under his chin.

“Oh, have I ever mentioned that I love a pony in uniform? With that handsome rugged face, those charming eyes, and that impressive physique! Growl,” said Bon-Bon, leaning back and raising her hindquarters for a bit. “Oh, dear it seems I’ve lost a contact lens, I need to search around a bit more. Maybe you’d like to help?” She pursed her lips and shook her flank back and forth seductively, flicking her tail around.

Even still, the guard chose to ignore her and keep his cool. Frustrated, Bon-Bon stood up and glared at the guard. “What the buck is the matter with you?! A hot mare comes around shoving her rump in your face and you’re not responding at all?! Am I not pretty enough?! Are you a coltcuddler?! Are you just blind?! Answer me!”

Bon-Bon continued to yell at the guard until she started panting from exhaustion. With one last huff, she turned tail and retreated to her posse where half of them were laughing. “It’s not funny,” mumbled Bon-Bon.

“Then why am I laughing?!” roared Cheerilee, barely able to stand.

“Ugh, this is impossible! Nopony can get through that guy!” shouted Bon-Bon, stomping her hoof.

Berry Punch rolled her eyes and said, “Geez, do I have to do everything around there?” She dusted off her coat before walking towards the back gate. “Let a pro handle this.”

The four of them watched as Berry lazily made her way towards the security guard. Luna asked, “What do you think she’s gonna do?”

Bon-Bon scoffed. “Knowing her, she’ll be asking to take him to a bar...”

When Berry made it to the guard she raised her right hoof and delivered a mean right hook the security guard never saw coming. The guard’s expression was one of total shock before he fell onto the ground, knocked out. Berry just rubbed her hoof a bit before turning to her shocked friends with a smile.

“.... or maybe she’ll commit assault and battery.”

The others rushed over and stared at the guard. Luna quickly asking, “What was that for?!”

“What? It worked, right?” asked Berry Punch nodding to the guard. “We got our entrance and he’ll be out of it for a good while.”

Luna was about to say something, but Colgate interrupted, “Who cares! We can worry about this later! Now charge!” Colgate screamed like a bloodthirsty warrior and charged in. The others looked at each other and shrugged before following her.

Unbeknownst to any of them, a hidden set of eyes had been watching the group and saw them enter the factory. Realizing he needed to report this, he tapped his communicator wristwatch. “This is Agent G, I repeat, Agent G. Do you come in HQ?”

“HQ is receiving you, Agent G. Please make your report.” said Opal on the other line of the communicator.

“Well, it turns out that the guard is down, thanks to a pack of innocent bystanders looking to break into the factory. Why, I don’t know, but they don’t know the dangers that lie in that factory...” he muttered. He hated seeing civilians get threatened; it was even worse when they didn't even know it was right in front of them. “I’m going to follow them, make sure things don’t become too much of a hassle.”

“Remember your mission, G. You have to sabotage that factory before Fu Moochu manages to unleash whatever plan he has. The fate of the free world rests in your hands, Agent G.”

“Doesn’t it always?” said Agent G, smirking. “G, out.”

He closed off communications and adjusted his bowtie. After all, what’s a spy without his garment?

***

Lyra continued her dance for as long as she could, but even she eventually got tired of shaking her flank around like a Red Lantern District stripper. Unable to take anymore, Lyra soon fell to her flank and started panting. The batteries in the boom box also conveniently died out as well, allowing the mystified audience to realize it was all over and burst in applause. Lyra looked up and nervously waved her hoof with a blush on her face.

Gathering her senses, Philomena quickly remembered what she was supposed to be doing and turned back to her guards. “What are you all standing around here for! Go get the rest of the cakes!”

“Yes, your majesty,” said the guards as they made their way back towards the back entrance.

Nervously glancing around, Lyra tried to think of a quick plan to get the princess’ attention and delay the cake distribution. She had to do something, anything that would cause enough trouble to bring everypony into a chaotic state. Looking around, Lyra cursed. All there is around here are tubs of ice cream, ice cream cakes, pies, and other... desserts... Lyra facehoofed. Jeez, even a foal would have thought this up in a second.

Levitating a nearby slice of pumpkin pie with vanilla on it, Lyra aimed at Philomena and threw it. It sailed through the air before landing smack in the back of the princess’s head, causing her to yipe in surprise. Everypony who saw the incident gasped in shock and froze as Philomena spun around and glared at the crowd. “Which one of you did that?”

Eyes glowing with magic, Philomena searched the nervous crowd until her eyes gazed upon a whistling Lyra who was doing her best ‘innocent’ impression. Realizing that it was her, Philomena saw an ice cream cone in a mare’s levitation and grabbed it before throwing it at Lyra. However, Lyra saw it coming a mile away and ducked just in time. The ice cream cone continued flying through the air until abruptly splattering against the nose of a stallion.

“Hey!” he cried out before taking a choclate ice cream cake and throwing it at Philomena. She ducked and the overthrown cake hit a nearby couple. They retaliated, throwing some desserts at ponies, who, following suit, threw even more desserts.

Realizing her plan had worked, Lyra, excitedly, bellowed out, “Food fight!”

And the chaos began.

***

The back door was kicked open as Colgate rolled inside, her horn lit up incase they were spotted. When it became clear there were no guards, she turned to the door and motioned her partners in crime to follow her, which they did in a calm manner. The ponies began to shiver from the cold temperature in the room, to the point where Bon-Bon’s teeth were clattering.

Unaffected, Luna landed on Colgate’s shoulder and said, “Shouldn’t we be making as little noise as possible to avoid detection?”

Blushing, Colgate rubbed the back of her neck. “I-I was just keeping up my guard. You never know what you’ll find in here.”

Berry Punch rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah. A bunch of overworked ice cream ponies are going to be a threat. Maybe they’ll attack us with their sprinkle guns before throwing us in ice cream cone prisons with only a rocky road sundae on the side?”

Ignoring her friend’s sarcasm, Colgate stomped her hoof. “Enough chatter. Listen up. We are in the den of cavities and this is our chance to make an impact on the war for clean teeth! All we need to do is sabotage this factory, and we’ll show the world not to mess with us!”

“What do you mean us?! The only dentist here is you, and quite frankly, you're not the most popular one around,” pointed out Cheerilee.

“What! I am so popular! Name one thing I’ve done wrong!” demanded Colgate.

“You tried to put braces on a newborn foal,” answered Cheerilee.

“Those braces would have made sure he had perfect teeth through high school!”

“Enough!” shouted Luna, perching on Berry’s shoulder. “I have an idea about how we can sabotage this place, as well as put an end to Phi-I mean-Luna’s plan! The ice cream factory needs ice cream to run, right? If we can melt enough ice cream to cause the factory to go into an emergency situation, the convention will have to stop right?”

“How are we gonna melt that much ice cream?” asked Berry, scratching her head.

Luna proudly raised her head. “Well, I am a phoenix, a creature born of flames. Naturally, I shall be the one to do it.”

“Or we can use the heater to get rid of this cold,” muttered Bon-Bon.

Luna snorted. “That’s such a ridiculous claim. As if such a place has... one...”

The others looked in disbelief as Bon-Bon pointed to a large map of the area on the nearby wall. One of the higher level rooms said the word ‘heater” on it, as well as a logo for the machine. The five of them stared at it for a long time until Berry asked the question they were all thinking. “Who puts a heater in an ice cream factory?”

“Well, whoever that pony is just happens to be an idiot,” said Colgate, grinning as she made her way towards a set of double doors. “But for us, it’s a chance to cripple this factory! Just as long as we don’t attract any attention to ourselves.”

“Hey!”

The five of them jumped and turned around to see a large unicorn, dressed in a white uniform and blue hardhat, walk over to them, glaring. He stopped and eyed each of them with suspicion. “Who the hay are you four ponies? And what’s with the phoenix?”

“Uh...” said Colgate, looking at her friends nervously.

Cheerilee stepped up and cleared her throat. “I’m sorry, sir. My friends and I are new employees here and we just got a bit lost. If you could just direct us to the... uh... locker rooms we’ll just be on our way to get suited up and ready to work.”

“And the bird?” asked the employee, pointing to Luna.

“Just a stuffed toy my daughter gave me!” said Berry, grabbing Luna and squeezing her. “It makes the most adorable comments when squeezed!”

Getting the hint, Luna, reluctantly, opened her mouth and spoke in a squeaky voice. “I’m so adorable that I bring a warm flame that lights up all the little foals with love!”

The employee walked up and grabbed Luna with his tail by the throat, slowly turning her blue. He started shaking her around, making her eyes roll, while shouting, “Toys are forbidden in the work area. Master Moochu will hear about this in my report. Now go get changed down the hall and report to your workstations!”

The girls nodded as Luna was dragged away by the employee; her eyes showing a plea for help. The ponies, however, could do nothing but watch their pheonix friend get dragged away around the corner. Bon-Bon scoffed, “Nice going, Berry. Now we just lost the princess’s bird.”

“Oh, I’m sure she’ll be fine. Phoenix's are tough creatures, right?” asked Berry, rubbing the back of her head. “Besides, I didn’t hear you come up with any bright ideas.”

“Look, let’s just go get some uniforms so we can look as inconspicuous as possible,” said Colgate, stomping her hoof. “After that, me and Cheerilee will go look for Philomena while Bon-Bon and Berry Punch go look for that heater and we’ll use that to melt all the ice cream and put this faust-forsaken company out of business! Let’s rock!”

The four girls made their way towards the locker room. Just as they left, a ventilation shaft entrance burst open from a small explosion and out came Agent G, looking around the area while reading his dart watch. When the coast was clear, he looked around and quickly saw the map. Eyeing the ‘heater’ room, Agent G turn on his communicator and asked, “Opal, can you double check to see if there is a heater in the factory?”

“Checking,” answered Opal. A few moments later, she replied, “Yes... there is one.... who puts a heater in an ice cream factory? It’s just stupid!”

“No idea, but the way I see it, that heater could be very useful for me. I’m going to check it out, over,” said Agent G as he tugged his tie three times, a wash of invisibility settling over him like a chameleon.

***

This is the most degrading day of my life, thought Princess Luna as she continued to be dragged by her captor. First, turned into a phoenix, then everypony thinks I like to make art with my plot, I might soon be known for giving Equestria the biggest diarrhea epidemic ever, and now I’m forced to act like a stuffed toy. Suddenly lunar banishment doesn’t seem as bad anymore.

The employee finally stopped and Luna looked up to see that they were in front of a storage closet. Opening the door, her unicorn captive looked around nervously before he rushed in, turned on the lights, and shut the door. Luna nearly gasped in disbelief at what she was seeing, but before she could comprehend further she suddenly found herself squeezed between her captor's hooves and his cheek.

“Oh my Celestia! You are the cutest thing ever! EEK!” he squealed.

Remembering her cover, Luna quickly thought about what a doll would say and choked out, “You’re my best friend!”

“Oh, you and I are gonna be best friends forever! Along with all my other friends!” said the unicorn, presenting the tea set he had with three other dolls in chairs. One of them was a purple dragon with a blue stomach and spots, sporting a dopey smile on his face; Luna recalled it was named Huffy, a kind of foal’s mascot that was all about love and family. The next was a blue monkey with a yellow stomach, big eyes, and red boots, and the last was a dark brown bear with a red heart on his stomach.

How old is this guy?! thought Luna as she was placed on the table. The unicorn sat on his own chair and levitated the teapot, slowing pouring some of the invisible tea into each of the cups. “Well, my friends. What do say we introduce ourselves to our new friend at the table? Hmm?” Using his magic, the unicorn moved the heads of all his stuffed toys as they ‘introduced’ themselves, with his own voice in different tones.

“Hi, I’m Huffy the Magical Dragon! I love you, I hope you love me, everypony here is one big family!”

“I’m Shoes! I’m a monkey that likes to go exploring with my best friend who speaks a different language!”

“And I’m Care Heart! I spread love and care all over the world so that all the little colts and fillies can get along!”

And I’m going to throw up and kill myself from the sheer stupidity of all this! thought Luna. My only hope is that Philomena is having a living nightmare, just like me.

***

This entire plan has become a damn nightmare! thought Philomena as she ducked under a pie that almost hit her in the face. The food fight might as well have been called a war, with the entire convention now looking like it had been torn apart by dessert bombs. Families were rushing out of the building, grabbing their foals who were either complaining about leaving or the tummy aches they had. Everypony else had either bunkered in behind the stands or was running around trying their best to keep fire off them while hurling their own desserts.

Her guards had abandoned their earlier orders of bringing in the poisoned cakes and were now heroically defending her, their uniforms covered in ice cream and cake. Philomena, however, was furious; most of her cakes were now out, but she was separated from them on the other side of the convention. Thankfully, she couldn’t see anypony grabbing them.

At least not until she saw a specific green unicorn that had caused the whole mess sneak towards the poisoned cakes and begin piling them on a cart with her magic. Furious, Philomena rushed out of the protective shield of her guards, despite their pleas. “Get away from those!” shouted Philomena, unknowingly tapping into the magical energies of her alicorn body and having her horn shine.

Lyra turned around and gasped at the sight of a furious, charging alicorn princesses rushing in while ignoring the tons of food hitting her. Looking around in a panic, Lyra noticed the cakes and picked one up before throwing it at Philomena. Upon seeing one of her prank cakes flying towards her, Philomena gasped and tried to come to a halt, but the cake made direct contact with her face, her mouth wide open. Gagging out the contents, Philomena soon realized in horror what was now inside her body. And already she could feel the uncomfortable cramps inside of her.

Moaning, she looked around for the bathrooms, sweating like a pig until she saw one for mares and rushed towards it. Her guards quickly followed her, but were forced to wait when the mare’s bathroom door slammed.

“Do you think she’s all right?” asked one of the guards.

Unpleasant sounds of horrible screams and noises better left unsaid filtered through the door. The guards turned green and shivered.

“That answer your question?”

***

Leaving the locker room, the four mares now had their own uniforms, similar to the one of the employee they saw earlier. Colgate rubbed her chin and tried to think of a strategy. “We really are in a pickle, girls. Philomena has been captured, no doubt being forced to endure their brainwashing techniques so they make sure she only brushes her teeth once a day instead of twice!” The three sane mares looked at each other with raised eyebrows, questioning why they were friends with her, and not for the first time, either. “Therefore, I propose that we stick with the plan to split up. Half of us going to find that heater while the other half goes to rescue Philomena.”

“Great plan, General Neighpoleon, but how are we even gonna find Philomena in the first place?” asked Bon-Bon.

Before Colgate could answer a voice cried out, “Excuse me!” They turned around and spotted another employee, this time an earth pony, who walked up to them and pointed at Colgate and Cheerilee. “I need you two to help me out with the boss’s plan. The final preparations are ready and I could use your assistance.”

“Uh, you see we can’t because... um....” said Cheerilee, nervously sweating.

“It’s our lunch break!” said Berry Punch.

“... at four in the afternoon?” asked the employee.

“It’s a very late lunch break.”

Shaking his head, the employee said, “Look, unless you want to piss off the boss, I suggest you follow orders and help me. You other two can do whatever you want, but I need help now.”

“Oh come on, what’s the ‘boss’ gonna do? Fire us?” asked Berry, smirking.

“Well, that and he’ll shoot you, chop you into pieces, dip you in acid, before feeding your remains to his sharks with lasers on their heads,” answered the employee in calm voice, as if this was a regular occurrence, much to the girls’ disturbance.

“Fine, we’ll go, right Cheerilee? We can leave splitting the workload to the other girls,” said Colgate, winking towards Bon-Bon and Berry Punch.

Getting the message, the two soon took off while Colgate and Cheerilee reluctantly followed their guide. As they made their way down the halls, Cheerilee leaned over and whispered, “What do you think they're gonna make us do?”

Colgate growled, “Most likely have us help them in their evil plans to corrupt our youth in an effort to take over the world!”

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Colgate, will you stop with your nonsense? Not even my students come up with crazier stories when they forget their homework. Well, except Dinky. She keeps going on about how she and her family travels with an alien pony in a blue box through time and space battling ‘Daleks’ and ‘Cyberponies’...”

The two soon followed their guide through a set of double doors, and in an instant their mouths dropped. In front of them looked to be a huge secret lair with high tech computers, armed guards, and labs stocked with the latest in mad scientist equipment. The only things out of place were the ice cream making vats along the right wall, which were being dumped with a strange light blue liquid that gave out occasional sparks.

They walked forward in disbelief, eyeing the obvious illegal equipment you wouldn’t normally find in an ice cream factory. Colgate looked forward and quickly bumped Cheerilee's side before pointing at the balcony above. Watching one of the giant monitor screens, a cow with a neigphonese goatee and clothing was scratching his platypus with a sinister grin on his face. One of the workers went up to him and bowed. “Master Fu Moochu, we’re almost ready to complete the final stages of the plan. And I must say, this is a genius idea.”

“Of course!” shouted Fu Moochu, his voice echoing across the room. He looked at his secret room with glee. “Nopony would ever suspect my headquarters was in this ice cream factory. Soon, my plan to conquer the world with mind controlling ice cream shall come true! Ha ha ha!”

The mares watched the mad scientist continue to laugh before Colgate, smiling, went to open her mouth, only to be stopped by a glaring Cheerilee. “Not. A. Word.”

Author's Note:

Who does put a heater in an ice cream factory.

I'm sorry this took three months to get out. Hope your still entertained enough to stick around.