In the not-so-distant future of Equestria, a tyrant is deposed.
Written for FanOfMostEverything's Imposing Sovereigns contest.
Chapters (2)
Mira Starlight
Joined 24th Jul, 2016 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- FerociousCreation · 62k words · 85 4 · 2.3k views
- James Pwyll · 2.2k words · 90 0 · 1.6k views
- Ribe_FireRain · 6k words · 31 0 · 700 views
- Scotishbro · 3.5k words · 23 0 · 686 views
- Manaphy · 7.2k words · 43 2 · 1.7k views
- SockPuppet · 2.2k words · 91 5 · 1.3k views
- Pascoite · 7.1k words · 51 4 · 1.3k views
- OkemosBrony · 3.9k words · 63 1 · 2.1k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.123 seconds
Total duration
950 users online
463,029 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
This was really short - too short for what was covered - but interesting nonetheless. I did like the idea of who you chose as your tyrant, but everything was sort of glossed over. This could have been a much longer story that covered everything it described in further detail. Madponies are always better with all the gory (or not so gory) details left intact!
Edit: Remember to add your story to some groups too, they're a great way to get feedback and more readers!
You've written a very impactful conclusion... but you forgot the story that goes with it. As the characters themselves point out, this is the Bearer of Loyalty we're talking about. What could possibly drive her to betray her allies and princesses and take the throne for herself? How did Rainbow "Don't Think, Feel" Dash perform her coup in a way that no other alicorn saw coming and seal them away inescapably? How did the rest of her friends react to her turning? If she is so terrible, why did she let her generals keep talking rather than simply dropping them where they stood? If she were so willingly blind to the consequences of her actions, how could one look out of the window shatter her mind?
This isn't an impossible place for Dash to reach, but it's a journey that readers need to witness for themselves, not just have it reviewed for them at its end. (Effectively reiterating the exposition to meet the kiloword minimum did you no favors.) This is what people warn you about when they say "show, don't tell." You do do a bit of showing with the ruins of Canterlot, but for the most part, the characters are asking us to take their word on how bad things have gotten.
In all, you had a fascinating idea, but you rushed through the execution so fast that you left most of its potential behind. In the future, I hope you take more time to bring your ideas to a more complete fruition. Still, thank you for this and for your participation.
8015810
I understand. Thank you for taking the time to review this. Perhaps, in the future, I may elaborate on this.
8015809
Yeah, I suppose it was, huh? Maybe I might write a prequel to this someday.
8015821 Just remember that details are important! Your writing isn't bad - you show tons of promise - you just need to write more!
8015864
Thanks.
What happened to the princesses? How are they still locked?
Nice story, but how the fuck could the element of loyalty do that? This needs to be more in depth.
I'm pretty sure if this is after season 6 dash should be the 6th princess:
Celestia,Luna,Cadance,Twilight,Flurryheart, and the Rainbow Dash
Rainbow dash best pony
8016450
I actually thought about that, but then realized that Cadence and Flurry Heart were princesses of the Crystal Empire, which is now a nation entirely separate from Equestria.
8015810 Agreed. You could have made a story with just the final confrontation, and without even the historical footnote. But you didn't show us anything of the old Dashie in Princess Rainbow Dash that would let the readers connect Point A (happy, free-living pegasus Dash) and Point B (insane megalomaniac Dash). Without giving some hint of her motivations, the one scene you give us could be ANYPONY who, Because Reasons, became a tyrant.
8027279
You have a point. In fact, I'm actually working on a revision of sorts right now.
A step in the right direction, though many of the same issues still plague the story. As I said before, you wrote a gripping conclusion and left out everything that came before, offering no tangible bridge between Dash as we know her and the Prismatic Tyrant. Still, I'm very happy to see you taking criticism positively and striving to improve. Keep at it.
8028075
Thanks.
I guess I was trying to create a somewhat ambiguous setting, around which readers could make there own guesses as to what happened. I suppose I made it too ambiguous.
Did you win FanOfMostEverything's contest?
8028185
The winner will be announced next Sunday. At least, that's when it scheduled. We'll see how it pans out.
8028185
No, there's no way I'd ever come close.
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8125953
Dark themes. Plus the mental breakdown that occurs when a slightly crazy mare finally realizes what the true scope of her actions.
Imposing Sovereigns reviews conclude with a look at the madmares.
Hmm.
I think my biggest problem with this is it's just too short. This feels less like a story and more like a single scene from a story. It leaves a lot of unanswered questions: How did Rainbow become an alicorn? What caused her to go mad? How did she succeed in her coup d'etat? And what caused Sky Stinger and Vapor Trail to lead a revolt against her?
Furthermore, the resolution seems too quick. She looked out the window at something she'd probably seen dozens of times before, and this one time, she breaks down in tears? Why? What caused her to finally realize what she'd done? Had the doubt been building up before that?
Now, don't get me wrong. Mechanically, it's a good story, and it's a phenomenal idea. I personally believe that if you were to take this idea and run with it, to create a full story from it, it'd be great.
And on another positive note, I really liked the scene at the end. Just dialogue, and it captured the essential elements so well. Good job on that!
8200004
Thanks for the critique. This was something I cooked up in the wee hours of the morning, and really, I wasn't really sure where to go after that, and I found that I could not commit to a larger piece at this time. I might revisit this verse in the future if my writing skills improve.
But all the same, thank you for your comments!
8200185 You're welcome.
Keep writing and you'll improve! You've already got a good base, you just need to build on that.
If you ever want any writing advice or anything, I'd be willing to lend a hand.
8015821
Yes, the backstory of "How/why did she do it?" would be interesting.
Did she fall to another Nightmare like Luna?