The past can be filled with regret, but for Princess Luna it will come back to haunt her. When she releases her personal guards from 1000 years ago, she quickly finds the world flipped on its head. The changelings invade again and a greater darkness soon follows. Can these three ponies change fate or will Equestria be lost forever to darkness.
Special thanks to Axolu, Kossokei, and Redcaby65 for edits and Coporaptor for the pic.
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Sorry for losing 2 chapters. Those will be added back when my editors are finished ripping them apart. I promise this will all come back to correctness.
YAYYYYYYYY Updates!
Chapters 2 and 3 are under development of edits. Will get Chapter 2 out maybe next week, but I do have school beginning. So yeah. Enjoy and give feedback as you will.
Thanks for the support.
Hmmmm... Somepony should seriously comment, or this story is going nowhere
. How should I know what to do without some support from you people out there. So, please leave a comment
. Or you may see something that you don't like and I would never know. So, er
... whatever you like would be fine. Just keep it rated pony.
For the record, I have no idea when chapter 3 is coming. School started, and I am gone this weekend for bandness stuff.
Here we go, I wasn't sure what you wanted, so just pick the section you care about.
Overall Impressions (after I read the chapter):
An interesting start, I imagine they won't be happy when she's 900 years overdue for waking them up... unless somehow Celestia finds them first.
Questions and Comments (stuff that pops in my head while reading):
Woona!
Why is Galeful Knight so clumsy/unobservant? One would think it would interfere with his ability as a royal guard.
If this is 1000 years ago, shouldn't everypony be speaking like Luna?
Aww... I wanted more description of the room before she left.
The crystals were hollow.... right? It's a tad hard to tell.
... Why are there windows in a sealed underground chamber
Dark clouds are scary.
General advice (on writing and junk):
When someone(pony) is addressed directly, a comma goes before and after their name. Like this:
"How are you today, Luna?"
"Come on, Spike, let's go."
Don't trust this site to catch all the mistakes in your story automatically. Microsoft word can actually catch more spelling errors, and even some grammar issues. Sure, you have to transfer the file in and add the bold/underline/pagebreak stuff manually, but it saves trouble in the long run.
When to end a quote with a comma or a period.
When the word said, shouted, etc. comes in before/after, use a comma. ("Let's go," she said.)
When words like sneered, stamped, etc. appear, use a period and capitalize the next sentence. ("I don't like you." She sneered at him.)
Thou-thee-thy:
Thou, thee, and Thy are all SINGULAR. If the speaker is addressing multiple individuals, use you or your. "Foul demons, you shalt not pass!"
Use body language to show emotions. I'm not going to take that "show don't tell" thing and rub your face in it like those anal-retentive folks at EQD, but using actions to express mood instead of just saying "he was sad/mad/happy/drunk/etc.) can make the story better. Try comparing these two sentences:
He was mad.
He tossed his head and flared his nostrils, tearing up the sod with his restless hooves.
Nitpicks (Small grammar errors I found):
Missing a comma.
Awkward sentence structure.
Try picking a different word to replace the second "eyes". Just saying "them" could work better and be less repetitive.
Remove "On the walls", maybe you should say "Ancient pony history" or "obscure pony history" since this room has been locked a while.
Return button error
Hopefully some of my random mutterings will be useful to you. I can move on to the next chapter whenever you're ready.
1970134 Thank you for the feedback
I should really listen to my editor.
I will say this. The entire story is on my flashdrive, so I don't have a problem like this summer, where I lost everything! And Galeful Knight is that way because he moves to fast and doesn't really stop. Imagine Rainbow Dash but with Pinkie added in. Though, he is neither fast enough or random enough to be either. Though, you will see later what he has plans for.