Can't Stump The Trump
Princess Celestia sat on her throne on a clear winter morning like any other.
“This coffee is low energy.”
Well, almost like any morning.
Instead of the regal and beloved alicorn, a biped in a suit of the highest quality, with dress shoes of equal quality, sat on the Canterlot throne; a look of disapproval on his face as he stared at the coffee cup in one of his hands.
That biped was Donald Trump: God-Emperor/forty-fifth president of the United States of America.
He placed the coffee cup on one of the arms of the throne and stared out at the throne room, admiring the decor. Melania must've decorated while I was asleep… He smiled and turned to his vice president. “Pence, can you reschedule my meeting with the Chinese for tomorrow? I have reporters to berate later. You know I can't let CNN go a day without being reminded that they're very fake news.”
Princess Luna facehoofed and let out a sigh so long, one might assume her lungs shrunk three sizes. “For the last time,” she growled as she turned to face Trump, who was holding a solid gold cane, “my name is not ‘Pence’! It's Luna!”
“Pence, I told you not to take your Viagra with red bull,” Trump said. “You always think that you're someone else. Remember when you thought you were Julius Caesar? That was truly wonderful, but terrible for our approval ratings.”
Luna sulked and shook her head. “I don't know what you've done to my sister,” she said under her breath, “but I will get her back, and you'll pay for what you've done.”
Trump waved a hand dismissively at Luna as the golden rays from the sun outside shined through the windows of the castle. “Pence, I told you that I'll make sure that Crooked Hillary is arrested, but not until my cabinet is fixed and Comey’s replaced by someone who has a pair.” He stood up and straightened his top-of-the-line Trump™ tie and cleared his throat. “Now, any idea if Paul Ryan still exists? Or did I fire him?”
Luna looked up at the six foot three-inch tall God-Emperor. “Who on Equus is that!?” she shrieked.
“Hm, guess I did fire him,” Trump mused to himself. He rubbed his God-like chin as he contemplated a replacement (and the meaning of life or, more probably, why everyone was against him, again). After a few minutes of intense thinking, he finally said, “Get Flynn back on the phone. Ask him if he wants to be Speaker or whatever the position’s called.”
Luna tilted her head. “Speaker…?”
“Damn it, Pence, we don't have time for questions!” Trump snapped. “Not when we have to Make America Great Again!”
“I'm sorry that I have no idea what you're talking about!” Luna snapped, her normal voice having been replaced by the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Now, I demand that you tell me where my sister is, or I swear that I will banish you to Tartarus!”
Trump calmly fixed his hair, which now resembled a tidal wave, and brushed his sleeves. “Pence, what did I tell you about using your indoor voice when talking to me?” Trump walked down to the throne room door and, after reaching it, said, “You're not getting any ice cream tonight.” With that, he exited the room.
Luna, meanwhile, did the only thing that seemed logical to do (and required the least effort).
She fell forward and buried her face into a pillow.
Meanwhile, the Trumpster strutted into the castle hallway. He saluted the two guards outside, who saluted back.
“You guys are real heroes,” Trump said as he walked away, at which point Centipede seemingly played from nowhere, much to the anger of royal guardponies and chefs. Now, to go get breakfast and sign that executive order to rename the country Trumpland, he thought made his way through the castle. Eventually, though, Trump found himself in the courtyard.
Hm, guess Melania did some gardening last night, Trump thought as he admired the enormous hedges and disappointing lack of trees in the shape of himself. Maybe I can sign an executive order to change that...
“CHANGELINGS!”
The God-Emperor jumped at the ridiculously high-pitched voice, which was followed by an equally loud crash, which came from not too far from the castle. He looked up to see smoke billowing into the air.
“Princess Cele-”
Trump turned around to see Shining Armor running up to him, a baffled look on his face.
“General Mattis!” Trump said as he saluted. “What in the world just happened!? Has ISIS made it to the US?”
“I…” Shining Armor shook his head and cleared his throat. “Sorry, princess. I thought you'd turned into a six foot tall piece of cheese.”
“I know my spray tan doesn't reflect well outside, Mattis!” Trump snapped. “But this is no time for jokes!”
“Sorry, your highness!” Shining replied sheepishly. “No, it was Changelings. A rogue group to be exact. What should we do?”
“Bomb 'em,” the God-Emperor deadpanned, not even bothering to question what a Changeling is.
“If we’re to do that, we need your sister's approval,” Shining replied, still not sure if who he was seeing was his princess or sapient cheese. “Quick, come with me!”
Luna still had her face buried in a pillow, somehow not having managed to suffocate thanks to the lack of oxygen.
What did I ever do to deserve this? she thought to herself, somehow forgetting about the whole Nightmare Moon thing.
“Your highness!”
Luna jolted up, the pillow still on her face. She threw it aside and saw Shining Armor, accompanied by the God-Emperor himself.
“We've just received word that terrorist Changelings have attacked and I apparently need your approval to have the military bomb them to kingdom come,” Trump blurted out. “So, yeah, let's make this snappy, Pence.”
Luna and Shining Armor both stared at Trump; slack jawed and dumbfounded.
“Changelings have… you want to…” Luna levitated the pillow she threw earlier back over and fell face first into it once more. “I want my mommy…”
“So, does this mean I can scramble the F-22’s or is she pulling a Democrat?” Trump asked a still slack jawed Shining Armor.
“I have no idea what that is,” Shining said as he finally snapped back into reality, “but it sounds about right.” He turned to face the God-Emperor, who bore a facial that one would have if they wanted to throw a rock at someone. “I bet if you got permission from Princess Twilight, you could have us go fight off the Changelings.”
Luna shot up once again, her eyes as wide as the God-Emperor's hands. “No! Don't contact her!” she screamed. “The last thing we need is for Twilight to get roped into a terrorist attack!”
With a deep breath, Luna stood up and walked over to the two men. “Shining, go get your guards and go find every last one of the Changelings responsible for this,” she said. “As for you: I want you to stay with me.”
“Alright,” Trump said as he took out his phone. He walked over to Celestia’s throne and sat down on it. “Guess I'll tweet until someone has something for me to do.”
Very Fake News @CNN and failing @NYTimes will no doubt cover up radical Changelings attack on D.C! Sad!
After several more tweets (none of which were ever sent due to Equus’ reception being non-existent), Trump put away his phone and stared at Luna. “So, Pence, how's the family?”
Luna rolled her eyes. Might as well throw him a bone, she thought to herself. “The family? Oh, they're… uh, great!” she said with a forced smile. “Yes, my… uh… err…” Luna's eyes darted around the room as her heart raced.
Trump raised an eyebrow and sat up. “What's wrong?”
Luna gulped and bit her lower lip. “N-nothing,” she said. “Just… y’know. Family's a-okay!”
“Oh, well, that's good,” Trump replied. “Thought you might've been pulling a Bill Clinton.” He chuckled at his own joke and made a mental note to use it in a future tweet for when he inevitably fired one of his cabinet members.
KABOOM!
The God-Emperor and Luna jumped out of their skin as the throne room doors blew open, revealing dozens of bad hombres (and their queen).
And Shining Armor, but nobody cared about him.
“These illegals?” Trump asked Luna. “Or refugees?”
“No, they're my Changelings,” Chrysalis said as she stepped forward. “How nice to see you again, Luna. And you…” She eyeballed the Donald, much to his disdain.
“Donald Trump,” said the God-Emperor. “President of the greatest country on Earth. Billionaire, husband, father, grandfather, and billionaire.” Trump eyeballed the Changeling queen and chortled. “May I just say: you remind me of George Soros. Scary and decrepit... and somehow richer than me.”
Luna shot Trump a glare that would kill a lesser man (It had trouble getting through the ego). “Now is not the time for insulting, Trump!” she growled. She turned her attention back to the irritated (and equally perplexed) Chrysalis. “I'm, uh, sorry about him. He clearly doesn't know how to address royal-”
Before Luna could finish her sentence, Chrysalis zapped her with a powerful magic bolt, knocking the princess out. “Silence!” she decried. “I now control this kingdom!”
Trump glared at the Changeling queen and stood up. “I’ve defeated tyrants like you before, Christie,” he said as he stepped down and walked up to Chrysalis. “Now, if you don't want to be humiliated by my amazing Twitter skills, I suggest you take your little bug friends and go back to whatever backwards ass country you came from.”
Chrysalis stared at the God-Emperor in complete shock. She'd never come across someone who wasn't intimidated by her and her army!
Well, except the Minotaurs, but that was beside the point here.
No, what was the point is that she couldn't be defeated by this strange being. She wouldn't! Not after Twilight and her friends had gotten her sent into exile!
“You will bow before me!” With all of her might, Chrysalis charged up a spell as devious as any article written about Trump during his campaign and fired it off at him.
The God-Emperor ducked for cover behind a nearby pillar as the spell reduced Celestia's throne to ash. Before he could comprehend the danger that Chrysalis really posed, he felt a vastly weaker magic bolt strike his side, not unlike an insult hurled at him by Jeb Bush.
He turned around and saw a small bastion of Changelings all glaring at him. “Oh…” For once in his life Trump felt speechless. Mainly because the Changelings, up close, reminded him of the sewer rats of New York City, only if they were fused with rotten Swiss cheese.
The other, much smaller reason being that he realized he was most likely going to die at the hands of a bunch of alien bug equines.
“You sure we can't come to some sort of deal?” asked the God-Emperor as he backed away into a corner. “Maybe I can give you a lifetime of free golf at one of my courses. Or free Trump steaks?”
The Changelings remained silent and continued to advance towards the increasingly nervous God-Emperor.
“What if I make your queen my National Security Advisor?”
The Changelings stopped and talked amongst themselves in a hushed tone. After a bit they turned around and, without hesitation, began to absorb the love from the God-Emperor…
Only to begin attacking each other.
“He's horrible!” screamed one of the Changelings as he savagely beat another.
“He's the hero Equestria needs!” shouted another as it attempted to gnaw on another Changelings antenna.
“Huh, guess they were voters,” Trump said as he watched the bastion of Changelings tear themselves apart. He turned his attention back towards Chrysalis, who looked as though she'd just seen the most amazing thing in her entire life.
“H-how did you do that?” she stammered as she watched the Changelings continue to fight over whether the God-Emperor was the be all end all of politicians or not.
“What can I say? People love me,” Trump said. “Now, I think it's about time you get a healthy dose of freedom.”
ZAP!
Before the God-Emperor could even wind up even the slightest bit of freedom within his billionaire veins, Chrysalis fired off a magic bolt the likes of which would make even the most hard-pressed globalists shudder with fear (and arousal).
Trump staggered back in agony. He'd never faced an opponent that would dare to defy the American spirit so much.
Not even Crooked Hillary was this powerful!
I can't do this. Not alone, he thought. He glanced over at Luna's unconscious body and smirked. He quickly ran over to it (barely dodging Chrysalis's barrage of magic projectiles) and violently shook her body.
“W-what is it, daddy? School already?”
“Wake up, Pence! Or we’re going to be subjugated and forced to watch Rosie O’Donnell all day!”
Luna's eyes shot open. “Subjugated!?” she shrieked as a projectile narrowly missed her head. In a flash, Luna stood up and fired off a powerful beam of magic at the Changeling queen.
“Oh, bugger,” Chrysalis whispered as she was enveloped by it.
Not one to waste any time, the God-Emperor rolled up his sleeves and walked over to the now nearly roasted queen. As quick as lightning, he threw a rapid series of punches, catching the Changeling queen off guard—which had absolutely nothing to do with her having been nearly fried by the princess of the night.
THUD!
Chrysalis hit the ground, her face battered and swollen from the incredible amount of freedom and liberty (not to mention knowledge on trade deals) the God-Emperor had delivered to her.
Trump rolled his sleeves back down and walked up to her. “I must say, Christie, I usually only get workouts like that when I use Twitter,” he said as he loomed over the fallen queen. “But that's beside the point, for I must now take care of you once and for all.”
Chrysalis chuckled as she looked up at Trump. “Do your worst,” she said, her voice filled with contempt.
Trump furrowed his brow and adjusted his tie. He cleared his throat and pointed a finger at the queen. “You’re fired.”
Chrysalis's pupils dilated. “You can't fire me!” she shouted as the faint sound of an air horn could be heard in the distance. “You have no authority over me!”
The God-Emperor chuckled as several Changelings came rushing over and took the rambling Changeling queen away. “What a loon,” he thought aloud as Luna walked up beside him.
“A shame that you weren't reduced to a pile of ash,” she said, disappointed.
“Nothing can defeat the American spirit,” Trump said proudly. “Besides, without me, you never would've defeated that terrorist.”
“Yeah, my sister would've done it…” Luna muttered under her breath. She watched as the six foot tall beacon of freedom and hope aimlessly wandered around the throne room.
“So, what are you gonna do about the fugitive Changelings that just ran out of the White House unopposed?” the God-Emperor asked. He turned around to face Luna and shot her a glare that dwarfed the one she gave him earlier tenfold. “Or are we going to actually do something?”
“We’ll deal with it,” Luna replied. “For now, I have to figure out how to get my sister back, and send you back to whatever hellhole you came from.”
“Pence, when did you become Joe Biden?”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Who?”
“Best not to remember those times,” Trump replied. “Just go back to thinking about how to stop those radical Changelings. I'm gonna tweet.” With that, Trump took out his phone and immediately began to do so.
Just beat up a terrorist Changeling! Sources say Clinton's sent them! No shame!
After firing off another barrage of tweets that, once more, would never be seen by the public because Equus is several centuries behind Earth (or because of the Shadow Government), Trump put his phone away. “Hey, got a charger? My phone's battery is almost dead.
“No,” Luna deadpanned from behind a pillow fort, which had a sign that read ‘No Trump's Allowed’. “Now, let me be. I'm thinking.”
The Donald rolled his billionaire eyes and waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
“Ah-hah!” Luna cried as she burst through her pillow fort and happily bounced around with a large smile on her face. “I’ve got it!”
Trump didn't object to the alicorn’s gleeful celebrating, considering he was fast asleep.
Luna rolled her eyes and walked over to the God-Emperor. “Wakey-wakey,” she said in a sing-song voice.
Trump groggily opened his eyes and yawned. “What is it Pence?”
“I have great news!” Luna beamed.
Trump raised an eyebrow and sat up. “Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall?”
Luna's smile was quickly replaced with a frown. “No,” she replied. “I just remembered that there's a spell in a book in the royal library that will send you back to whatever land you came from!”
“Pence, what did I tell you about-”
Before Trump could finish his sentence, Luna shoved a hoof in the God-Emperor's mouth. “Can it and come with me,” she said. “Or you're going to live with Pinkie Pie.”
Trump rolled his eyes. “Can’t be worse than CNN,” he said to himself as he followed the princess to the library, which proved to be a walk that even the God-Emperor himself found boring.
“Y’know, we should really put up a portrait of myself on this wall. It'd really liven things up,” he said as they arrived at the doors to the library. “Believe me, I know a thing or two about livening things up.”
“I don't care, Trumpelstiltskin!” Luna roared as she bucked open the doors. “Never have, never will!” With that, the princess of the night stormed into the library, doing her best to block out the sound of Trump, who continued to ramble on about how he knew the best decorators.
Where the hell is that stupid book!? Luna wondered as she frantically searched shelf after shelf of books. Ah-hah! She levitated off a large, turquoise colored book with several bizarre and indescribable symbols on it. “Oh, Trump!”
“Yes, Pence?” Trump asked as he put away his tax return forms. “Did Russia finally call back about the ship?”
“I found the book!” Luna said as she flipped it open.
“What boo-”
Before he could finish his sentence, Luna fired off a beam of magic that encompassed the God-Emperor in a light as vibrant as the morning sun and, within a few seconds, Celestia was where he had once stood.
“Sister!” Celestia said gleefully as she embraced Luna in a loving hug. “That’s the last time I ever take Flibanserin with red bull!”
Luna's eye inadvertently twitched. She broke away from the hug. “Celly?”
“Yes, Lulu?” Celestia asked hesitantly as she watched her sister's normally elegant mane begin to resemble one's hair after the stock market crashed.
“Never mention red bull ever again,” Luna snarled. “Please?”
“Um… I'll do my best,” Celestia said meekly.
“Great!” Luna said. “So, tell me, what was it like wherever you were?”
“Well…”
“Bannon!” Mike Pence shouted in a voice barely an octave higher than his normal speaking voice. “Will you please tell Donald to stop cosplaying as a pony? He needs to give his speech in two hours, and I can't do it for him this time!”
Steve Bannon poked his head through the doorway. Immediately, he became as white as Pence’s hair.
Princess Celestia was holding the vice-president hostage, a look of absolute terror on her face. “You're going to get me out of here right now!” she stammered.
“Maybe another time, Lulu.”
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lol >.> lol pst pst.... ok this was too funny.
Not sure if I should laugh or cringe
started off a little dry at the begining but i have to say his was quite funny. good work, another for my favs list
7965968 Why not both?
7965929 Glad you thought so!
I found myself laughing way too hard at this. And I'm not even American!
7965974 ...
Okay
The downvotes are from... Um, let's not talk about them.
I don't know why but this was hilarious to read
I saw this in the new stories feed, and if this doesn't get featured, I'm downgrading my computer to DOS.
Hehe, Trump caused total outrage in my country this weekend
7966000
You have my sympathies. At least mine only got a quick mention.
7965973 Dumb question, but dry how? Just not funny or something else?
7965976 Very happy to know!
7965979 I imagine it's people who dislike political stories or they just didn't like the story. If they think the story's a hit piece, jokes on them: I'm pro-Trump.
7965990 It's because of Daddy.
7965996 I'm holding you to that :)
7966000
7966014
Lemme guess: he went to Europe and made an ass of himself?
Downright hilarious.
Oh my lord... should I laugh or die?
7966034 Choose life!
7966037 XD then I'll laugh
MAGA-Godzilla approves of this story, it's a beautiful story, gonna be yuge.
This was wonderfully stupid. Or stupidly wonderful?
Regardless, I laughed.
BEST PART
7966065 Does he support building a space wall to keep King Ghidorah out?
7966025
Im from Sweden and he criticized out immigration politics based on a what Fox News said. I will willingly admit that our immigration politics is far from flawless (Its quite bad actually) but it's not so bad that Fox and Trump says.
Walls are ineffective to creatures that can fly.
7966094 THEN WE MAKE IT TOO TALL TO FLY OVER!
I never comment on things usually, but dear lord that was the funniest thing I've read here in a while. You've created a masterpiece.
7966080 And making the Xillians pay for it by withholding interplanetary remittances.
"Monster Zero is attacking Tokyo? That wall just got 100 feet higher."
7966085 With respect, The only news about Sweden that reaches American shores, are the number of horror stories about rapes, beating, murders, and other assorted violence from the Muslim settlers.
Make Equestria Great Again. MEGA. Hey, it works.
7966126
Which is true, Sweden has become (Imo, the country is quite divided about it) worse for wear after all the intake of refugees. But we are still quite the peaceful nation if you compare crime and murder rate per capita in Sweden versus America. Even though we are getting it worse and worse since the Syria crisis.
Anyhow, this is not quite the forum to take this debate (even though I started it
)
Fun story, satire on policital authorities is quite often a good topic to make a story about Imo
I cried, this is fucking hilarious and awesome.
7966184 I agree, let's not make this guys comment section into a debate that has nothing to do with the story.
Hopefully the god-emperor continues to provide us with material for the next 8 years for plenty more great stories.
I knew that a Donal Trump crossover was going to happen eventually, just not with Celestia though.
7966085 7966126 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_statistics "sources are at the bottom if you want to confirm"
so what you are saying is that despite sweden now being 3rd place for most rapes per capita, the rapes are a cause of something else? what is it? im curious cause the rapes went up when the refugee crisis hit. so if it isnt the refugees then its the swedeish people. but thats odd considering before that sweden had one of the lowest rape rates in the world, they were on par with canada. also, gonna start some shit, why did the saudi arabians take in zero refugees? think about it.
Personally, I think this would have been better if Trump read more like, well, Trump. He's quite OOC in this from a personality and speech pattern standpoint. The best satire is true to life satire, after all. Watch a few of his speeches and bam! You'll have it down, no problem!
7966097 Then we will build a ladder and have America pay for it!... Or enter this dimension. (Skip to 14:20)
7966232
No im not saying that. I know for a fact that a lot of the growht of the rape in our contry is because of the muslim refugees. Im not a fan of our immigrations politics and feels that we are way to generous to those that comes here. But those statistics that you show here are missleading. In Sweden we label every act of sexual violence as "rape" which means that what you would call a sexual harassment, would here be label as rape, even though it isnt. But yeah, we have problems I kid you not.
True One: Trump and Putin get an insta-fav and insta-like, brother! I will read it now!
---------
True One: You sure did give my daily dose of Freedom and Awesomeness, till another day, comrade.
-flies off mounting a M1 Abrahms with Bald Eagle's wings-
Oh God Vertigo, what have you DONE!?
“You will bow before me!”
And Queen Chrysalis has been replaced by General Zod.
7966419 KNEEL BEFORE CHRYSALIS!
7966366 MWHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
7966282 Maybe down the line.
7966118 Thank a million! I'm extremely happy to know you liked the story so much!
This has to be one of the best crack-troll fics I've ever read. Kudos.
I don't know if this is in favor of President Trump or against him, but I thoroughly enjoyed it nonetheless.
It takes a certain skill to make satire like that. Kind of like the old The Colbert Report used to be.
Flibanserin is for treating Hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Why would Celestia need to take that, and why would taking it with Red Bull cause her to switch places with President Donald Trump?
I second the request to see the story from Celestia's perspective. I'd like to see her take on the whatever it is that goes on in the White House these days. So, good job.
7966508 Honestly, my intention wasn't really for this story to be pro or anti-Trump (although I myself am Pro-Trump). It was mostly meant to just poke fun at the Trumpster as a whole (along with some other things—mainly how he seems to always appear to be a bumbling fool, while his actions contradict that. In my eyes at least), while having him believe everything around him is as it was in the White House... maybe that goes against what satire's meant to do, but I digress. Also, apologies for the rambling there.
As for why the combination of those two things resulted in her switching places w/ Trump... uhhh, I honestly quickly Googled "Female counterpart to Viagra" and what came up... I shoulda read it over a second time (my intention was for it to be a throw back to the "Viagra and Red Bull" line early in the story). Ah well, still, sounds funny to me, and fits with the absurd tone of the whole story.
Thanks for reading!
7966263 in america they do that too, its not a new concept. its how they sold the need to hire administrators in colleges to deal with it instead of having police do it. its just that when you see an increase in sexual assault by a large percentage and your population only increased by <5% thats a very worrisome figure to dispute.
Oh, God this is dumb. This is so dumb.
It's perfect.
This story just got one like higher.
Neat.
What did I just...?
"They're crashing weddings, they're kidnapping princesses, they're changelings and some, I assume, are good people."
- Donald J. Trump
7966551
The source also points out how you should use the numbers with caution. A greater number reported can also mean more people are going forward with it instead of keeping silent.