Post Mating Season: Electric Boogaloo

by Jack Hamataro Kamiya

Chapter 1: Raising Flags and Lowering the Normality

Post Mating Season: Electric Boogaloo

Chapter One: Raising Flags and Lowering the Normality

It was another beautiful day in the peaceful town of Ponyville where many ponies lived happy and peaceful lives.

“Everypony panic!”

Okay, I lied, but it doesn’t look good on the tourist pamphlets if I had told the truth.

“Pinkie Pie, being out of Super Sugar Bomb Cereal is not a reason to run screaming into the streets!” scolded Princess Twilight Sparkle from her front door. Her mane was a mess and she was levitating a mug of coffee next to her with the words: I “Heart” Magic. It was too damn early in the morning for this.

Next to Twilight was an equally tired looking purple dragon with a far more disgruntled look on his face. He took a sip from his “I Don’t Do Mondays” mug.

“We’re not going to get more sleep today, are we?”

“Sorry, Spike. Why don’t you start breakfast and I’ll finish up that friendship report,” said the lavender alicorn. Spike just grunted as he stumbled his way to the kitchen. Twilight would have helped, but the Ponyville fire marshal had encouraged Twilight to avoid cooking that was more complicated than “put in microwave for 90 seconds.”

It wasn’t like it was that bad a fire. Anyways, she started writing.

Dear Princess Celestia…

After about 30 minutes Twilight could smell breakfast coming in from a couple of floors below. She rolled up the finished scroll and bound it with a ribbon and placed it on Spike’s desk.

Twilight let out a sigh when she saw that he still had that framed picture of Rarity and that there was scroll right next to it. Twilight had kinda’ hoped that maybe after mating season Spike would move on to Applebloom. Instead he seemed to flee in terror from her screaming something about there was no dragon mating cutie mark and redouble his efforts to win over Rarity despite her being roughly 14 years older than him and dating somepony else. (2)

She left the scroll for Spike to send to the Princess. Twilight returned to her room and levitated all her writing supplies. She wanted to upgrade to a computer or at the least a fax machine, but apparently the Dragon Workers Union prevented her from replacing Spike’s roles as her means of communication.

It was a shockingly powerful group considering it had one member.

And Now For Something Completely Different

“So you’re going out with the guy who works at the train station?” asked Bon Bon.

“Yup. Really nice pony. He kinda’ put me through hell during mating season, but I think after some of the past seasons I might have had it coming… especially after last year,” said Colgate as she ate breakfast at an outdoor café with the local candy maker.

“But you don’t know his name…”

“… yeah…”

Bon Bon face-hoofed.

“So where’s Lyra?”

“Oh, she’s off studying the humans again.”

“I thought you got her therapy to deal with that?” asked the dentist.

Bon Bon scratched the back of her head uncomfortably. “Yeah well, turns out she wasn’t that crazy. They apparently exist in a similar but separate plain of existence from us and she went there a couple weeks back.”

“How did she do that?”

“Pinkie Pie,” answered Bon Bon dully.

“Ah.”

There was no need to ask more questions.

“So she’s there now?”

“Yeah, she’ll be back soon.”

“What’s she doing?”

“She said she was covertly observing them in their natural habitats.”

Charlottesville, Virginia

The convenient thing was that by passing into their dimension was that Lyra got transformed into a Caucasian female human with a short mint colored mane that she could positively confirm humans called “hair.” She had Rarity make her a camouflage outfit and was using something called a “duck-blind” to further conceal herself while she watched the two humans she had first encountered.

“Day 8,” said Lyra into a tape recorder while she watched the two humans with a pair of binoculars. “The humans seem to enjoy a wide range of food that include both meats, vegetables, and a variety of junk food. I have observed that they enjoy many similar past times to ponies such as movies and video games.

“I hope to bring Princess Twilight and Miss Fluttershy for additional help in learning about these amazing creatures and their mastery of a non-magical universe, but do to things going on in their personal lives and jobs they unfortunately do not have the time to assist me. These strange and majestic creatures do not seem to be aware of my presents however.”

“Dude, how long are we going to pretend she’s not there?” asked a Caucasian male with short light brown hair.

“Just keep ignoring her and maybe she’ll go away,” said an Asian male with short black hair.

“Dude, she set up my duck-blind in our living room!” he said in a loud whisper pointing to behind the couch to the corner.

“Just go back to your game and hope her other friend doesn’t show up,” the Asian mumbled as he tried to distract himself with YouTube videos on his laptop. The brown haired man grumble and went back to playing Final Fantasy XV all the while pretending the woman wasn't in the room.

And Now Back to the Main Story

Spike walked upstairs after making Twilight breakfast humming to himself. Life was pretty good since things settled down after mating season. It helped Twilight got him a therapist. He went to his desk and went over his to do list, a habit he had learned being raised as the pseudo-son/brother of Twilight Sparkle.

“Let’s see, make Twilight breakfast. Check. Review stocks and investment portfolio. Check. Check library’s accounts. Check,” he read aloud. He look at the library’s checking account. With Twilight spending most of her time reading, researching, or saving the world, Spike handled paying the bills. “Check. Check the check list… man, I need to spend a little more time away from Twilight… and check.”

He noticed something not in his claw-writing.

“Right, mail new friendship report to Princess Celestia. Ha, piece of cake,” he laugh.

“Spike!” called Twilight from downstairs. “I can’t figure out how to use this microwave breakfast burrito! Does it matter if I remove the wrapping?!”

“Oh shit,” gasped Spike as he jumped up from his desk bumping it as he ran to prevent Twilight destroying another microwave. As he grabbed the fire extinguisher he did not notice he had knocked two scrolls to the floor.

He returned five minutes later happy he prevented disaster and picked up the scroll that he believed was the friendship report and then carefully placed the scroll he believed to be his love letter to win over Rarity at last on his desk.

It would be perfect. After all it was the greatest love letter in history that no pony could ever resist.

The Royal Palace, Canterlot

The Royal Palace was a massive place, large enough to accommodate the population of a small city and given the maids, guards, servants, ministers, and bureaucrats employed there it practically had the population of a city.

It was early in the morning and its proud ruler, First Crown Princess Celestia Solaris ri Equus, trotted her way down a velvet carpeted hall with her assistant Raven (1).

“And after that Your Majesty, the Earl of Trottingham has a meeting with you,” said the dark-mane unicorn.

“Probably wants to complain about the mayor again,” grumbled Celestia rolling her magenta eyes. “I created a constitutional monarchy to please the masses and avoid what happened to Prance and now the aristocracy never shuts up about it. I swear there is no pleasing ponies these days. In the old days you could trot on water and they would proclaim I’m a goddess.”

“If I may Your Majesty,” spoke Raven.

“Raven, you don’t have to ask, just speak your mind,” said the pure white alicorn with the kind motherly smile she was rightfully famous for.

“Well…,” hesitated the unicorn. She adjusted her glasses before speaking. “I think you may need to take some personal time. Maybe get away from the castle for an afternoon.”

Celestia chuckled sadly. “As appealing as that sounds, I don’t know when I’d find the time.”

“Her Highness Princess Luna found time to attend Humancon and that video game convention.”

“She was the guest speaker at that convention. She wrote it off as an official royal appearance,” interjected Celestia.

“Well why can’t you do that? Say you’re visiting Princess Cadence or Princess Twilight.”

Celestia let out a deep sigh. “That does sound nice. Mother knows, Luna manages to have more of a life than I… and she had to catch up on a millennium of cultural shifts and scientific advances.”

“And she still found time to have a life. Hint, hint.”

“You’re starting to push it Raven.”

Celestia shook her head. She had too much to do, or so she told herself. “I think that will be all for now, Raven. Why don’t you go and get you’re a donut or something.”

“As you wish, Your Majesty,” said Raven bowing and taking her leave. Celestia had a knowing smile on her face. Her assistant had a crush on the stallion that ran donut shop just outside the castle walls.

“How nice to be young and in love,” she chuckled. It had been a long time since she had been in love. Every once in a while, which for Celestia could have been every other century, she had taken lover. She could remember each one of them and how they had touched her life in their own special way. Some of them had even fathered a foal or two with her. Luna too had been taken with a few stallions over the centuries. Both of their descendants could be found across the Principality of Equestria. Raven herself was the great-great-great-great-great-great granddaughter of an earth pony she had been married to. Unfortunately Prince Blueblood was from that same line and he was more closely related.

“First prince in a 120 years and it had to be him.”

She sighed again. She hated to admit it, but she was a little lonely. It was so hard to meet ponies however. For the last thousand years she was the only ruler Equestrians had known. She was the all powerful ruler, immortal, and wielder of the sun. Ponies were either intimidated or wanted a piece of her power and wealth. As much as she loved her little ponies she also found it hard to love them on such an intimate level.

“How long has it been since a pony swept me off my hooves with sweet words and true intentions?” she lamented.

And then something that the author can only call contrived happened.

A scroll popped out in midair in a small burst of green flames.

“Ah, another friendship report,” exclaimed Celestia. She looked forward to the reports from her student. Sometimes they were painfully dull and cliché like the time Spike got jealous of an owl that Twilight had adopted. Sometimes they were the funniest things she had ever heard like the time Twilight tried to explain why she had thrown the entire town of Ponyville into mass hysteria because her future self had gone back in time and she mistook it as a warning of impending doom. Yes, Twilight and her friends were some of Celestia's greatest source of entertainment.

The first thing that struck her was that this was not Twilight’s writing. The lavender alicorn wrote in a very precise style and it did not seem to resemble Spike’s normal writing style. This writing was fancy and the words were artful and poetic. Celestia wondered who wrote this and how did it get sent to her, but as she read down the page those things seemed to be less and less important.

Her cheeks turned pink and her eyes shone like her own sun. She self-consciously pulled at her ethereal mane.

“Good morrow, dear sister,” greeted a familiar voice. Celestia looked up to see a beautiful dark blue alicorn come from a doorway. Second Crown Princess Luna Selena ri Equus was coming from her dinner and was on her way back to her room. “Tia, thou did not join me for our morning meal. I was looking forward to telling you about something I have discovered on the internet called shipping, it twas a most enlightening experience.”

“Huh?” Celestia was still preoccupied with the letter.

“Tia, is something the matter?” Luna mildly concerned.

“Um… I don’t know how to put this Luna, but I got a letter.”

Luna cocked her head to the side. “Well, it must be a most impressive letter since thou receives many.”

The elder sister blushed and laughed nervously.

The princess of the night did not fail to notice. “Sister, what sort of letter is this?”

“It’s… um… well… it’s a love letter, Lulu,” said Celestia her face breaking into an embarrassed, but beaming smile.

Luna’s eyes widened for a second. She knew her sister received many such letters and for one to get her attention must be truly special.

“Does… does it seem, er, genuine?” Luna asked hesitantly. “Not that I’m not happy for thou! But-”

Celestia raised a hoof to silence her. “I know, Luna. But this… this feels honest. This pony calls me his sunshine, Luna. He says how cold and dark his world would be without me.”

“But Tia, without thy presence, his world would be quite literally dark and cold,” pointed out Luna to the Princess of the freaking Sun.

“Just read it, Lulu,” grumbled Celestia and hovered the letter in her sister’s face. Luna had to take a step back, but read wondering what could have swayed her elder sister so. Luna’s blue eyes widened and the mare placed a hoof against her chest.

“Tia, that was… was that most beautiful and eloquent. I don’t believe such sweet words since I first met Shooting Star Sparkle,” sighed Luna thinking back over a millennium ago to her last husband, an awkward, but wonderful unicorn.

“Luna… what, should I do?”

Luna’s eyes widen. She considered the things she had read on the internet last night. She usually had lots of time since ponies only came for the first few hours of night court and she had nothing to do until the bars closed and confused drunks wandered in. Perhaps the things the denizens of the net had educated her on shipping could be useful here. “Uh, Tia, I have not the slightest idea… it hast been more than a thousand years since I courted or courted by a pony. Perhaps, sister, thou could meet this pony.”

Celestia bit her lip. “But what if it’s a trap or just nothing but words.”

“Tia, where did thine confidence go?” said Luna trying to cheer on her sister. “This pony has asked thou to meet him behind the Ponyville Library. Even if it is a trap, the Elements of Harmony live there. If my education on modern courtship is anything to go on than this must be fate or at least the raising of a flag on the glorious path of romance! If thine readings have taught me anything, thou cannot loose heart ever!”

By education on modern courtship she meant something ponies called shoujo manga.

The white alicorn smiled warmly at the smaller alicorn. “Thank you, Lulu. What would I have done without you?”

“Didn’t thou have a thousand years to consider that question?” asked Luna deadpanned.

“… we don’t have to make this anymore awkward.”

“We shall digress. Now, Tia, thou shall find time to meet this pony and decide if he is somepony worth courting. If not, thou can simply leave. If he is crude and rude, thou can banish him to the sun and vaporize him.”

Celestia leaned down and nuzzled her sister affectionately. “You’re right, Lulu. Now I have an angry earl to deal with. Sleep well.”

“Good day, sister. Also remember that vaporizing suggest I hast made, it might silence that oaf,” said Luna with a smile. As soon as the white alicorn was out of sight Luna’s smile faded. “Now then. If it got here via fire. Then young Spike would have to know this pony’s identity. And Ponyville being a relatively small town it cannot be too hard to track him down.”

Luna turned clapped her hooves together. Seemingly out of nowhere two thestrals appeared behind the princess of the night.

“You called, Your Highness?” asked a mare.

“Yes, Captain Cave Flower. The Royal Sister, the First Crown Princess, has received a letter of declaration of love.”

“You mean a love letter?” asked the stallion. He received a smack from his company commander.

“Yes, that,” said Luna coughing to hide her embarrassment. “It seems this letter origins from the town of Ponyville.”

“And you want us to eliminate him?” asked Captain Flower.

“Yes- wait, what? No! I want thou to find out his-”

“Or her. Or a stallion who identifies as a mare or vice-versa. After all who are we to judge,” added the stallion. He received another smack.

“Hmm, I did not consider that. Thou are pleasing thy Princess with thou’s intelligence, First Sergeant Granit Walls” said Luna.

“Thank you, Your Highness,” said Sgt. Walls grinning at his superior who smack him again.

“We will depart immediately and hunt this pony down to the ends of the world!” declared Captain Flower. After a stern glare from her princess she added, “… er, and report back without harming him.”

“This letter would have had to come in contact with Spike Sparkle of the Ponyville Golden Oaks Library. Begin your investigation there.”
“We will get the information out even if we have to beat it out of him,” assured the mare.

“Or we could just ask him,” suggested Walls.

“… fine,” grumbled Flower.

Luna watched as the two departed and wondered if it would have been better idea to handle it herself. She shrugged and decided to play some Watchover before going to bed. How badly could it go?

Ponyville

“And so I proudly can say that we have achieved a record setting two months with no major disasters happening,” announced a tan earth pony with a grey mane. Many ponies applauded as Mayor Mare pointed to a sign in the town square that announced how many days it had been since the last crisis.

A few stallions seemed to disagree remember mating season which hadn’t even ended two weeks ago.

But in this mare run society their opinions mattered less.

Unknown to them, a pair of ponies were watching from a cloud. Thestrals were much like pegasi, but had fangs, thicker fur, sharper eyes, and bat-like wings. They also preferred to live in mountains instead of clouds like pegasi. Most had dark fur and red or gold eyes. Which made it all the more surprising that nopony noticed since thestrals tended to stand out.

“Tell me, Sergeant Major, where is this Golden Oaks Library.”

The non-commissioned officer pointed to a tree to their east. “I believe it’s in that giant golden oak over there.”

“Bah! That would be stupid. Who would put books in a tree? It would be damp in there and would have serious insect and mold problems that would ultimately ruin paper based products,” scoffed Cave Flower. “It would be a terrible place to keep books.”

“Well, that’s true ma’am… unless there’s some kind of enchantment that a unicorn could cast to make sure,” pointed out the grey threstal.
“Shut up and help me interrogate the locals.”

“I guess this is gonna’ make another long day for the PR department of the Lunar Guard.”

And so began a series of events that would live in infamy for centuries to come.

---

Author's Note:

Appendix

1. According to the comics, Celestia’s bespectacled assistant is named Raven. If the TV show has an official name for her, I don’t know it.
2. I’m not getting into the debate of Spike’s age or the aging of dragons compared to ponies. Just roll with it, this isn’t the fic to fight this battle.

The second installment of what become a series which I can only appropriately name the “What is This Author Doing With His Life?” series. I was on Deviantart and I was scrolling through the works of Coldsteelstallion (whose work I recommend you check out) and I got inspired. I did regret not including our favorite princesses (that aren’t Twilight) in my last fic. So let’s see what I can pull out of the dark corners of my mind.

Someone please stop me.

This has been in the works for a while off and on. I started this about a month after I wrote the first story... I know that fills you all with confidence at how fast these chapters will come out, which is why I usually write oneshots these days because I'm not the best at finishing things. I'm going to keep this short. Though I write long chapters so maybe it won't be that short now that I think about it.

Anyways, we will be touching on the other characters in the next chapter and continuing the story of Princess Celestia and Luna and my OCs Captain Cave Flower and First Sergeant Granit Wall. A problem of my writing style is that I just have a general idea of where we're going and some points we'll touch upon along the way because I like to be surprised by my own writing and let the story take on a life of its own, I've mentioned the original Mating Season of a Button Mash x Sweetie Belle story and look what that devolved into. Speaking of which we will be seeing more Button and family in the next chapter and I promise the human characters will not be a focus of the story, actually this might be the only chapter I will mention them.

So look forward to chapter two coming 2021... I'm kidding, please don't kill me.

Comments

[Zum1UDontNo]

Calling it, Luna is going to have played a support and be very upset the next morning because "TheStache" needed healing.

[Jack Hamataro Kamiya]

7978521 Calling it, probably not going to be a major focus in the next chapter. But what do I know.