All is well within Achievement Hunter headquarters. Michael, Ray, Gavin, Jack, Ryan, and Geoff all barely finish a Let's Play of Minecraft. Once the camera's are turned off and shenanigans begin to ensue, a bright light engulfs the room, transporting them to some unknown and very colorful place.
Before the eyes of the Princesses of Friendship, Crystal Empire, Sun, and Moon appear six large and hairy creatures. Once awakened, they begin asking questions and demanding answers. With their newfound friends of vibrant ponies, the Achievement Hunter crew and the Mane Six must assist the ponies of Equestria to rid them of a darkness that threatens all dimensions and, hopefully, return home.
Rated T for swearing, some blood, depictions of violence, and alcohol consumption.
Uh oh, equestria is doomed. Gavin is there.
Equestria fucked.
deal with it
I have a feeling Gavin is going to break something in the next chapter
Any reason you used the Ray instead of Jeremy?
For a first fic, this isn't that bad so far. A few instances of misplaced characterization and odd exposition, but practice can only make it better. It certainly could be worse. My only big complaint is using Ray instead of Jeremy. After all, he is Monster Truck.
7977362 thank you for your comment. I'll take note of it for the future chapters
7977144 I know Ray's personality better
I don't know Jeremy all that much
Well then... interesting choice for a first fic.
This concept is pretty absurd and ridiculous, but f*** it, why not, I guess. I'm a big AH fan, so I suppose I may be biased.
This kind of fic can be pretty hard to write, so fair warning: you're venturing into dangerous and tricky territory. Having no prior FimFiction experience, this fic could fail OR could be an excellent way to stand out a bit and get noticed
This is sure to be... interesting. I like it, and you have my attention. Good luck, and may the Tower bless you.
Silly, but fun! I'll see where this goes!
I found this chapter to be more enjoyable, and a bit more believable than the last one. It definitely addressed a few of the issues I had with the previous one. Plus I laughed a lot. I continue to look forward to more updates.
Looks like things are getting better. This adventure is gonna be fun.
Won't lie. Other than a few grammar mistakes here and there, I am really enjoying this story. You seemed to have really pined down The Achievement Hunters personalities. Though I, like a lot of people, would have preferred Jeremy over Ray at this point but I wont judge. Ray will always have a spot in my Achievement Hunter Heart.
8235910
i have found one of your rare comments on other people's stories
8464970
Gasp! I've been discovered!
Good opening. There are quite a few issues I could draw your attention to, but since the majority of them are based on inexperience instead of actually being bad at writing, I'll only point you in the direction of a couple things that stood out to me.
Firstly, in the second sentence at the top you made a tense mistake, You said " The colors are filled" over the colours were filled. A small oversight, admittedly, but very noticeable so early in.
The second thing is something that even heavily experienced writers mess up. It's something I like to call 'Assumption Syndrome'. In a lot of fanwork people assume that the reader knows who is being written about so they skip the part where they describe the characters. You didn't do this for the four princesses, you gave a brief description for each before you called them by name, which was good. However, when it came to the achievement hunters you only ever called them by name. So If I didn't start watching their videos around last Febuary, I wouldn't know anything about who they are by just name alone.
Which brings me to my final point. Admittedly I know little about the Ray era of AH, other than specifically going back and watching archived videos, I've only ever known Jeremy. So it seems odd to me that Michael would actually get out of his chair to punch Gaven in person. The Michael I know now would act angry for the camera yeah, but he'd laugh it off basically immediately. He tends to play the straight man a lot nowadays.
Anyway, I recommend you do plenty of reading and studying other people's works, but more than anything else, do exactly what you're already doing and just write. ^-^ Write as much and as often as possible. Never stop. This is how we all improve. Over time with nothing but practice and just a touch of disillusion that we're the best thing since Stephen King.
I'm excited to follow along and read as you post more chapters <3 Also to...you know...read more than Chapter 1, XD
EDIT: Oh right, i forgot to bring it up, but why is it that nobody seems familiar with humans? do you not count the EQ movies as canon? It seems unreasonable that they'd be so hostile towards the idea of havoc spreading humans. As far as all experience goes, humans, albeit multicolour human-counterparts of already existing humans, are as friendly and safe to be around as ponies are. I dunno, it felt weird to me is all.
I think you're trying too hard to make Gaven more British than he actually is. Like the accent sure, but a few of the word usages you wrote him saying don't said like the way he'd normally talk. Like the word 'love' to refer to Twilight at the beginning of the chapter. I've followed Slowmo guys since 2012 and Rooster Teeth and several things with him involved, and he's not particularly British. At least not in the traditional 'media' sense. Sure he says weird English things like 'tippy-toppers' XD but he's not the 'pip-pip cheerio' type.
8513550
Thank you for your feedback!
I know the Ray era of AH is a bit unorthodox since Jeremy kind of "took his place," but like I told another commenter: I know Ray better than Jeremy. I didnt want to butcher Jeremy's character as it can become hard to read without cringing. I recently have been watching let's plays with Jeremy in them and I must say that Jeremy would have been a better choice since he's more straightforward with his comedy
And as for how out of character Michael seems, I guess since it was the time before Ray left, he seemed more over-the-top with his "rage" and he is in a way a hyperbole of his YouTube persona.
Regardless of the justification of my mistakes, I will keep tour comments in the back of my head for consideration in the next chapters.
I've liked your fic so far, but this chapter was unfortunately a lot worse in quality. It suffers a lot from 'show don't tell' Especially in the first half. You skipped over a lot of character building conversations by just typing "and the they talked and got to know each other". There's something to be said for not lingering, sure. but conversations like that are the main draw to crossovers fics like this one. The oppertunity to see the two different types of characters interact, their different perspectives and opinions either coming together or butting heads. Or both, which is always good, because if done right the characters fight at first and then after a while get to like each other better, which is very satisfying to read.
Now, the fight scene, despite feeling short, was actually pretty good. I liked the concept of a Timberwolf attack in Ponyville, because the dangers of the Everfree are rarely seen actually interacting with the town of Ponyville, despite being so close.
There were a couple more instances of assumptional writing, but the only blatant example was the use of team names, so while it could have been done better, that wasn't an issue.
All in all, you're on my tracking list, so I'm hoping that speaks of my continued interest.
Not bad. You know, After the battle of Sombra is over. You have to have Shining Armor or somepony mention how he threw his wife. Hahaha That be funny. I can also see the Crew insulting Sombra by calling him King Sombrero
derpicdn.net/img/2012/11/13/150445/full.jpg
He WAS in the military, I think.
8721241
Indeed he was. But he was a journalist, I think
He's fairly smart. He just tends to trip over his words a lot.
I have to admit I was excited when I saw this today hough the inclusion of Ray instead of Matt or jeramy is kind of odd. Since you wrote this in 2017 and ray was gone for awhile. I would hope you go back and redo the chapters to keep the crew updated. I have no problem with how it is so far. Your research on people will need to be refined as such. Also I have gone back to see videos involving ray and in my opinion he didn't add really anything new or exciting in those videos. Even ah makes note of this in their panels of RTX.
8856806
I know Ray is odd to add now so long after him leaving. But Ray was honestly my favorite Achievement Hunter, i guess because I'm most like him when I play games. When I write Ray's dialogue, I know better what he would do than someone like Jeremy. Ironically, the last Achievement Hunter video I watched for years was Brown Out. So I only recently started watching their new stuff. I try to keep their characters pretty general to what you'd see in a normal video because 1) I'm not a super fan so i dont too much either and 2) so it can be friendly for the people who may read this and have never seen anything or much of RT or AH. I know the first few chapters are trash because this is the first time I've written anything that wasn't an essay. I want to revise and lengthen them, but I'll just have to be more careful when going back to not disturb the chronology of future events or writing anything substantially new/plot changing. But thank you about this feedback :)
Hahahahahahaha
8721261
Yeah.. Either that or Photographer. Either way. He has seen action.
Ooooo. This is getting good.
N...no...
So... This is the birth of the Mad King.
I couldn't go any further. I know one shouldn't go into a HiE fix with any expectations, but these generic Minecraft zoomers just sickened me.
I must not be the only one who heard the TF2 meet the ________ music am I right?
If I can disagree with Keywoi_Cookies55, if you're reading an MLP and achievement hunter crossover you probably know the basics about both. It always annoys me when the first several paragraphs are filled with character descriptions that I've read a million times. I'm not gonna forget what color Twilight is, thanks. It just drags the beginning on forEVER, and it's a huge part of the "show, don't tell" thing. Basic colors, sure, but honestly? Eragon neglected to make a big deal about his physical appearance so when I read in Brisingr that he had brown hair I was like... what? It didn't impact the readability at all though is the important part. Now, your physical descriptions of the Princesses were short and bearable, even if I did sigh because Celestia seemed a bit more sadistic and unfeeling than normal BUT considering the circumstances I could understand why she acted that way. But as for the "mythical land of Austin Texas" bit (which made me lol), you in a couple of sentences established the main defining personality characteristics of everyone. Michael is punchy, Gavin is stupid, Ray is tired, Geoff is the Dad, Ryan is good with computers, and Jack... well, he's there too. It's exactly what a video from that era looked like and I remember those days fondly as they were when I first got into let's plays. And while I do love Jeremy, Ray is and always will be my favorite... to the point that I make it a point to watch his twitch as often as I can (I've made him laugh on three separate occasions in chat :D it's awesome). So I'm very excited to begin this, especially knowing that the hiatus is not death.
Nice, I'm glad it was mentioned that Michael and Ray used to be bronies
I gotta say you are NAILING the characterizations of the hunters. I can see and hear them doing and saying this stuff in my head and it flows perfectly naturally. There's a little bit of tense issues and usage errors but that's just detail work. You could have perfect spelling and punctuation and still be a pile of crap. Like Twilight. As for the plot itself, I have no idea what's going on in the long run but in the short term, blending the hunters with the story of the show while acknowledging the divergence of universes in order to avoid plot holes [other than I'm pretty sure that Ray left before Flurry Heart was born so that's a little bit of a totally forgiveable plot hole because it's just a nitpick that doesn't mess up the suspension of disbelief] and pointing out why some things felt a little off in the first few chapters. I don't read HiE usually but this is definitely taking the formula and running with it in the right direction.
It would be SO ironic if the last chapter is, like, the big bad being like "YOU FOOLS. I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION THE LAST OF THE MOONSHADE PETALS!" and Gavin's like "um-" but Ryan's like "dude shut the fuck up" and in the end Equestria is saved because Gavin's an idiot. Checkhov's petal.
This bit could've used more in the way of the specific exact things that they all said to each other but like... that shit is so tedious and boring to write. Dialogue can be such a hassle when it's literally 30 different character interactions if my math is right and I'm only including the one on one conversations. And my math is always right. Plus it's almost 10 chapters in and the important expositional phase is over and we're now in the rising actions. I'm itching for the real plot to start now that I know what it is, and honestly I'm glad it's familiar.
OH SHIT
I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING WITH SOMBRAS PLAN
The backstory for Cadance and Sombra wounded me deeply because I've read the comics and books.
BUT this has fully embraced the actual meat of the plot and it's juicy.
FURIOUSLY MUNCHES POPCORN
very rarely does a story illicit such a violent reaction in me but that only goes to show how powerful the plot is here but YOU ABSOLUTE BASTARD
If you hurt Keen... *cocks shotgun*
I gotta say I did NOT expect... this.
But this is so much better than what I thought it was gonna be. I WILL WAIT WITH BATED BREATH FOR AN UPDATE
*sees concept* Yep, I've gotta read this one.
8856846
wright it how you want to wright my friend. Don't let anyone say other wise.
I'm gonna be honest here, when you said streamers I thought of something completely different than what was intended, lmao
Either way this chapter was paced really well, and it's good to see follow-up plot arcs. I'm a little curious what Michael and Jack are up to but this is an intriguing substory. I'm glad updates resumed!
I've never played Minecraft... Is it really that difficult?
10005835
How difficult do you mean?
Well f**k you to ST
ONE FOR ALL IS THAT YOU???
It's cool man.. I.. just feel so much anger from what I've heard what he had done.. I've already had 2 other tubers that I've watched for years did bad and then I heard they did disgusting things he did and... I got so upset. I will look forward to what this new story will be. Hopes it's full of happy romance and bulky action.