What will Spike do on Heart's and Hooves Day to gain the love of Rarity?
In Honor of Valentine's Day, because I both love and hate it and feel like the message contained within is one of the most important things that you'll ever hear.
Also a very big thank you to PegasusMesa for advice on my drafts, thanks a lot.
(Version 2.11)
(This is in Hiatus until the final draft, which means that I need you to comment so that I can improve, please.)
(Anyhow this was another great picture for this story.)
[img]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/97/f4/b1/97f4b1b1afb73af7d9f06907a2f5fc99.jpg[/img]
Chapters (1)
![https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/97/f4/b1/97f4b1b1afb73af7d9f06907a2f5fc99.jpg[/img]](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/97/f4/b1/97f4b1b1afb73af7d9f06907a2f5fc99.jpg[/img]){kind=link}
OH MY GOSH!!!
WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE NOT LIKE?
TELL ME AND I CAN FIX IT ALREADY!!!
(Each story you see is only the first draft and NOT edited at all.)
Please just tell me already!!!
7948017 Personally, to me it seems like you're posting stories everyday and overwhelming people with them. I think you should just slow down on your posting and take your time. Could be wrong, and probably am, but that's my theory. There are writer's groups you can go to and ask about this problem, more likely to get a better answer there.
DUDE BREAK UP THE DIALOGUE!!! IT GETS HARD TO READ TWO PARAGRAPHS IN WITH ONE PARAGRAPH HAVING TWO PEOPLE SPEAKING!!!
'said now then'
7948040
Fixed.
7948073
I don't have any editors yet!!!
Ooooh, boy, do I have a comment for you. I'll post it when I get to a computer.
7948074 parts are but there are still a fair number of paragraphs which have two different people talking in them.
7948161
Fixed... again.
Alright, let's do this. This story misses the mark on a number of levels. I'll begin with the technical ones.
1. Grammar
You need an editor. Badly. Get one. I noticed you mention that your stories are all first drafts, or something like that. My suggestion is this: never do that. It's sloppy, amateurish, and just plain awful. AT THE VERY LEAST, you should go through after you're done writing and read it closely to try to catch mistakes and places that could stand to be touched up.
Never publish first drafts.
Also, I'm not quite sure what you're doing with the copious instances of "now then" and "then now", but stop that. It sounds terrible because it is terrible. It should always be "Twilight said," never "Twilight said now then." Do yourself a favor and never put those two words next to each other ever again.
2. Dialogue
The characters' dialogue is so incredibly rushed it makes it exhausting to read. There are sentences that go on for more than twice as long as a normal person's would. You gotta let the characters breathe. Slow it down a bit and give the reader time to settle
It also bears mentioning that these characters do not sound at all like they should. The dialogue is stilted, and it all sounds like the same voice that's being attributed to different characters. You have to make the characters sound like themselves or it all just falls flat.
Spike shuffled slowly up to Twilight. "Say, um, Twi?"
"Mm?" she mumbled, eyes running over the pages of her book.
"You think you could maybe sorta kinda help me out with something?"
"Mm." Twilight still didn't look up.
"I was wondering if maybe you had some books on--"
Twilight spun around, face suddenly shining. "You said books! What about books?"
They need to have distinct voices.
3. The Message
So even if the above issues weren't present, this one's a deal-breaker. You are way way waaaay too hung up on your own message. We're here to read stories about ponies, not to read your opinions being obviously pushed out of ponies' mouths. Don't use stories as a platform to make a point. That's what blog posts are for. Comet is the main offender in this case. He feels almost like a self-insert.
Besides, it doesn't help that the message in this story is so far off the mark as to be laughable. Rarity and Spike have zero chemistry. All the love in the world isn't going to save that relationship, because in order for love to exist in the first place, they have to get along well together. You put them in the same place and had them say they love one another. That's it. You gotta do more to sell it than that.
Rarity just isn't that into him. It feels like you think Spike deserves her because of all the things he's done, but that just isn't how it works. You can't force love; sometimes it just isn't meant to be, and from the way you've written these characters, they just aren't meant to be.
Anyway, that's it. Hope this helped out or something.
7948202
Ouch, I was literally in mental pain while I read this (like daggers were being stabbed in my heart and mind... again)
But will do.
7948336 That's how you learn, scrapped knees and bloody noses - It's how you grow.
continue.
Beats having Twilight with Tom and Company showing up...
orig11.deviantart.net/289b/f/2017/004/7/6/thanks_to_old_friends_by_hillbe-dau84az.jpg
It now has been GRAMMATICALLY edited, the NARRATION, and DETAIL and RE-EDIT (of both narration and detail) will come later, so yeah, please reread when it comes out and consider changing that thumbs down to a like instead.
I edited it, but it's still only at 58% approval rating, so can anyone tell me what's still wrong? (other than detail because I WILL get to that, eventually.)
I cannot believe the day has finally happened that I had to thumbs down a Sparity fic.
I'm sorry, but what the hell is going on here? This is the most broken story I have seen. First of all, why is the first few lines a repeating? This is completely not needed at all.
Secondly, calm down on the dialogue. I got lost several times, plus some of the dialogue is way too long. I mean breaking into paragraphs is completely not how you write a proper dialogue.
Thirdly, there is a lot of unexplained parts. Heck, I don't think there was a part that said that Comet was Starswirl or how Twilight even knows him. And if that was supposed to be part of some mystery then why the hell is the tag giving it away instantly. In fact you give very little reason for anypony to think it Starswirl at all. This wouldn't that much of a problem except for the fact Starswirl is such a stand out character. In fact he is so blank in this story that I'm sure most of the readers though he was a bad OC.
******
Now don't I think I completely disliked the story. There were a few good things like how Starswirl hid his home(though in the end, the scene felt about as point as several unneeded scenes.) There were a few good things. The best advice I can tell you is to compare your story with other stories. Not in what scenes they have in them, but how they are written, and not just simply how dialogue goes, but every singly little detail.
Every time I ask for criticism I have to remind myself not to kill anyone because I can handle it (even if I don't like all the hate) because I'm asking to be punched.