• Published 31st Jan 2017
  • 2,059 Views, 212 Comments

One Thousand One Ways to Thwart a King - enigmaMystere



What would happen if ponies were not only prepared for the Caribou, but were able to ask across dimensions for help? Now, what if they were stuck in a time loop?

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Maximum Effort!

A red figure appeared mere moments before his head was blasted off, causing the mare to shriek in horror.

"What, did you think I was just gonna let you get away with that every time?" Dainn scoffs derisively. "I just needed to figure out where your so called hero was going to pop up at."

"That's where you're wrong."

Twilight jumps back from the corpse as it sat up, eyes wide in shock. The body slowly rubbed the spot on top of its neck, where a new head was already starting to form.

"See, I'm no hero." His head finishes reforming, and he grins at the stunned caribou. "I'm a mercenary. And you just made my list." He turns to the purple pony, holding out a hand. "Deadpool, how's it going? You happy to see me, or are you just always horny?"

"A mercenary? Interesting." He flashes the alicorn a toothy grin, then turns to the costumed creature, dutifully ignoring the deformities of his face. "I can pay you, if you want. Gold."

Twilight stammers, hurrying to the being's side and gripping his sleeve. "W-we have gold! Plus, all the gems of the royal treasury!"

He raises an eyebrow, looks down at her chest, then up at her. "...throw in a free grope or two, and I'll get rid of Expo the Exhibitionist over there."

She blushes brightly, but gives a nod after a moment. "S-sure."

"And don't think you'll just get away with it once this part of the cycle is over." Deadpool laughs, hands on his hips. "I remember my deals."

"I've got something better than just groping one bitch's breasts." Dainn interjects, grinning widely. "I'll get you a harem of slaves you can do whatever you want with."

The disfigured dashing man turns back to him, wagging a finger. "See, I'd be likely to believe you, if you hadn't just blasted my head off and called this lovely little lady a bitch. Last I checked, she wasn't a canine." He pauses, then turns to look at Twilight. "You're not a canine, are you?"

"P-pony."

"What, like Pinkie?" Ignoring her look of shock, he glances around, a hand to his brow as he searches. "Come to think of it, where is that loveable pink pony? Last I saw of her, she threw me a fantastic bir-" He's cut off with a yelp and a blast that severs his arm. "Darn it, that was my favorite arm!" He bends over and picks it up. "Eh, I can save it."

The caribou can only stare in abject shock, turning slowly to look at Twilight. "...what the actual fuck is wrong with this guy?"

"Nothing! No, wait, everything! Including cancer! What's wrong with you?" Their attention turns back to Deadpool, who was wearing his mask again. "Oh, hey, there she is!"

They turn back around to see a pink pony, wearing a white shirt with a heart on it and a skirt decorated with balloons. She cheerfully waves before smacking the king with a sledgehammer. "Thanks for the weapons, Wade!"

"Hey, I thought we said no real names when I'm in costume!" He wags a finger at her.

She just shrugs. "I don't remember." Pinkie squeaks when a hand grabs her face and flings her into a nearby building.

The owner, a very irate ungulate, turns to the others, his body on the verge of going golden again. "You know what? Fuck you. I don't care if you think you're immortal, I'm gonna find a way to tear you to pieces and destroy them down to the last atom so that you never see the light of day again!"

"Woah, there, you seem to have some anger issues." He pulls out his katanas, somehow grinning through his mask. "Maybe I can help with that?"

Dainn rolls his eyes, picking up his staff and exposing the blade once more. "Fine. Maybe I can let off some steam with this little diversion."

"Wouldn't count on it!"

He gets clonked on the head by a hammer, cursing as he brings the butt end of his weapon into Pinkie's belly and knocking the wind out of her. He swings the blade at her head, but is blocked by a longer, thinner blade. Rolling his eyes, he slides the sharp edge along the other metal, eventually cutting through the guard and the mercenary's fingers. "Try counting on those." He kicks Deadpool in the chest, knocking him back and slowly advancing, pinning his good hand to the ground with his magic, then his blade. "Listen, I'll be frank with you, I hate mares in power. I enjoy the pleasure they give me once they're slaves, and even that is barely enough to keep me from killing most of them."

"You know," the red-clad man speaks up, "I'm sure you have this whole speech planned out, but there's just one thing that keeps going through my mind. Well, aside from the other two voices."

The caribou frowns in confusion. "...what?"

"I'm so glad you asked!" He holds up his gun and presses it against Dainn's forehead. "The thing that's about to go through yours."

BANG.


"Zero."

"GRAAH!" Dainn rushes forward and slams his fist into Twilight's head, breaking her nose and neck in one motion.

Everything goes black again.


"Zero."

Twilight flinches from the last action she saw, shaking her head and glaring at him. "What was that about?"

"You! You cast this spell, keep summoning those damn heros!" He grits his teeth, eyes narrowing angrily. "Stop getting felt up while I'm talking to you!"

The alicorn blushes, turning back to look at the mercenary currently fondling her bosom. "...uh… enjoying yourself, there?"

"Very much so, yes." He chuckles brightly. "Especially since the author can't write a good fight scene for me worth crap."

The purple mare's eye twitches as she tries to make sense of his words. "Can you… go back to where you came from? Please?"

"Fine. I promised Pinkie I'd visit her, anyways." He huffs, squeezing her one last time and making her blush even more before hurrying off behind a building. "I'll be coming back for that sweet tush of yours, though!"

"...I really don't see the difference between me and him." Dainn scratches his chin. "He's more impulsive, I guess."

Twilight turns and gives him a flat stare before speaking with an equally flat tone. "Hero."

Author's Note:

...writing for Deadpool is harder than it looks. :twilightblush: Anyways, the first of the request chapters! Let's see who else we can have show up, hmm?