I...i thought that a chancelin had no gend- know what? Screw that, shall read.

Pretty good. Could use some work, maybe more showing versus telling, but who am I kidding, I make that mistake myself. I like it.

Good start! I shall be watching this.

No major grammar or spelling errors from what I could see.

Keep it up!

4/5 Big Mac's

Oh, Coke, another changeling romance fic.

I LOVE THOSE!

Time to read...

i'm liking this so far. can't wait to read more.

They should really add a tag for changelings. They did it for the diamond dogs.

>>857126857126 GENIUS!!!

And the story?

can not wait for more

Alright!!! Loving my positive comments and number of likes thus far.

More Changeling romance! And a way to pair up Spike! Me gusta

Please do more.

>>857562857562

This is my first romance fic, so based on my # of followers already, here's hoping that I can keep it good.

Actually, scratch that, I will keep it good!

Ima tack and see what happens

Hmm, so far I think that it is a bit overrated by the above commenters. We all love our changelings, this is true. I highly recommend, however, that you acquire a prereader if you have not already done so. I found the paragraph breaks to be inadequate in separating the text, making it difficult to read. I also think that the general tone of the narration is too non-descriptive and plain. Certain clauses in said narration are redundant in places, as well.

Here's an example: "Chrysalis became overly furious about one of her minions insulting her in such a manner."

Everything after "furious" is redundant; it is not necessary that the reader be informed of this, because they have just witnessed the aforementioned minion dissing the crap out of the Queen for themselves and do not need to be told that after the fact. There is, however, a way to work with this (I will get to that later).

Now let's look at the "meat" of the sentence: "Chrysalis became overly furious." Now this is where the lack of description shows, and it tells me that you may have added the redundant clause as a way of padding it out (I mean no offense by this; everypony who writes is guilty of padding sentences, myself included). What I, as the reader, would like to know is this: What does an overly furious changeling queen look like? How did 487's peers react in the immediate aftermath of her outburst?

A cardinal rule of creative writing is "show, don't tell." You have told us that Chrysalis became overly furious, but we may have trouble visualizing this. I want to know what the Queen did that allows you to say she was furious before she even turned around. Something like body language or mannerisms. Now this might be headcanon on my part, but as bombastic and irritable as Queen Chrysalis is, I think that an evil attention-seeker like her would be a mix of stunned and enraged, which could make her initial reaction very quiet, but just as dramatic and fear-inducing.

Here is an example of what I am looking for:

The dark queen's eyes widened, then narrowed as she cast a glare of steel back at the upstart warrior, who remained defiant despite her growing feeling of dread. "What did you say to me?" she murmured, barely audible even to those closest to her.

"I...I..." stammered 487, the full realization of what she had just done finally penetrating through the haze of anger that had clouded her judgment.

"How dare you," Chrysalis rasped, "How dare you!" The Changeling Queen whirled around and drew herself to full height. Her gnarled scythe of a horn glowed with a sickly green aura as she hoisted the soldier into the air with crushing force, causing 487 to gasp for breath. "You insolent little brat! You would raise your voice to your queen? You have forgotten your place, 487, and you shall pay for your irreverence!"

See? We now have a much better idea of what overly furious looks like, and one sentence has been drawn out to over a paragraph. This can be applied to the rest of the story as well. Just look for fat to trim away, then focus on improving the vital plot points that remain. I like the concept of this story, and that cover image was adorable. You have my support in writing this.

>>859161859161

I believe you mean #457

But I agree with what is being said. There are also some things that I don't quite agree with as far as logistics go, and I'm pretty sure timberwolves eyes were yellow, not green. One thing I would change instantly is instead of calling her "young changeling" all the time, just use "number 457" if it is technically her name.

With that said, I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

can't wait for more

>>859161859161

You definitely do care about my writing. However I thought how I did it sounded emotional enough, but after what you said maybe I should take another look at my first chapter.

But nonetheless, this is one story I'm going to work really hard on to make sure it really good; especially after seeing all the faves.

>>860502860502 Excellent! This story has potential, and it pleases me to see effort.

Just as an aside, I find it hard to believe that a changeling--even a powerful one--would be able to mimic an Ursa Major. Even if she could, it would cause quite a stir in Ponyville, if not most of Equestria. Assuming a changeling can mimic other species besides ponies, a manticore would be more realistic. Personally, I would go with a zombie pony. =

nice story, cant wait for more, 7/10

>>860638860638

Good point; but in the story she was still a little far away from Ponyville, so no one noticed. But again, you make a good point.

Did anyone here happen to check out my first story on my page?

Just wondering since this one being shown so much love; and I haven't even set up the second chapter yet.

But hey, I not complaining.

Yay another story to add to my list

Great job till now I give it a 8.75/10 very good for a first but could use some improvements,I eagerly await the next chapter,        

   Signed:scarlet rider

God I hate auto-correct makes me do mistakes...

Spike does not have charm he has SWAG

Image: http://i.neoseeker.com/mgv/574321-Liege/321/54/spike_the_destroyer_by_johnjosecod3bwxzq_display.jpg

So much he wakes up covered in dragons and mares

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/91e75e71df0ee7b8126794f10395c2a3/188031%20-%20female_dragons%20garble%20spike%20swag.jpg

Image: http://img.ponibooru.org/_images/7c23f70b744df440becb8a0df5c4f6e7/159194%20-%20applejack%20fluttershy%20gang_rape%20Hubble%20imminent_rape%20mane_six%20pinkie_pie%20rainbow_dash%20rape%20rarity%20screencap%20spike%20twilight_sparkle.PNG

Like I said Swag

Damn cliffhangers

>>872113872113 Nah, he has both! CHARM and SWAG!

>>872240872240 DAM RIGHT!

Swaggin' dragon. Spike gets ALL the mares.

As before the errors were many and to be honest they DID interrupt the story. Maybe I'm just hypersensitive to English errors. But the worst offenders were tense problems and the lack of differentiation between internal thoughts and speech. Usually single quotation marks, italics or both indicate that.

*Reads Description*

"Hmm, I think I'll add that to my read later list"

*Later reads first two chapters*

Hehe, this is a nice story. It has the potential for a comedy tag.

Have a mustache.

>>872113872113>>872240872240>>872260872260

Man, you guys are hillarious!

>>872303872303

Wow, really?

Maybe I'll look at it again tomorrow or Monday.

Spike has swag and class

>>872572872572 Go raibh maith agat (Thank you. It's Irish, what're ya gonna do?)

>>872602872602

As I said, sensitivity to English errors. Maybe consider a pre-reader/editor.

A couple of things

1. Thoughts go in Italics not inside speech marks

2. You use too many ;

3. Is her name Dragon Heart or Dragonheart? The CMC call her Dragonheart but Pinkie called her Dragon Heart

>>874598874598

It's Dragon Heart. I will fix it.

Another changeling romance fiction, for me these are hard to find but,

I LOVE THEM! I REALLY, REALLY LOVE THEM!! I really do enjoy these kinds of romance fan fictions a lot.

Now it is time to read this...:

God I am such a Romance Junkie when it comes to story's like this I wonder if that's a problem for a guy who is only 19 years old I wonder

I am really liking this story so far. I only have one suggestion that's prevalent and I needed to say it before I finished the chapter. Instead of using quotations to express thoughts, use italics and maybe even a '. It would make distinguishing thoughts and speech far easier for the reader and make your story far less confusing.

Also it seems that a lot of people don't like the older style of formatting you use on your story, where new paragraphs are distinguished with an indent, and prefer the newer style, where paragraphs are separated with a break. I find the newer style far easier to follow, but it doesn't concern me either way. As long as the story is good enough and flows properly I'm satisfied.

Anyway, great job on this story so far. I hope to see more.

>>894132894132

Why thank you.

Bro-hug! Um... you are a bro right?

>>895226895226 hells yea! *brohug*

i love it good job i cant wait for the next chapter!!! i was ganna comment on the whole "put thoughts in italics" thing but seems everyone has pointed it out  but ethier way i love the story keep it up! and for the swag of spike

Oh look, a story about changelings, and spike?

This should be good.

WALL, WALL OF TEXT.

ABORT, ABORT.

Haven't looked at the first word yet and it already looks interesting. Never seen a changeling fic with Spike before and the fact that said changeling's female just makes it more unique considering. I've actually seen fewer female changeling fics than I have male.

Relieved to see it's not a clopfic though. Fully expect to give it a thumb up in the future and favouriting immediately for easy access if something goes wrong.

EDIT; Finally gotten around to reading it. I like it, here's your thumb up. Curious to see if the mane 6 get involved. Alright, the only members of the 6 we have yet to see are Rarity and Dashie, here's hoping Dragonheart/457 meets them and the others soon enough.

Awesome story. I like the concept and really enjoyed these three chapters! I can't wait for more!

Elements of Harmony are capitalised, also you wrote it as Apple Bloom bag instead of Apple Bloom's Bag

Also, nice chapter :)

>>857126857126 Do you usaly rate stories with Big mac's?

If so rate my stories

-Mr. Carnage

She suddenly released a violent coughing fit before collapsing on the ground. "Could this be it," she thought to herself, "Am ... going to d-d-die..."

That 'i' needs capitalization.

Another thing that has me wondering, is how can something the size of a pony, turn into an Ursa Major?

EPIC WIN!!!!   

A bit rushed but it got to where it was going well enough. Good story so far. I can't wait to see the first meeting between Dragon Heart and Spike.

>>921338921338

Think of it as a last minute attempt to use most of your power to save your own life. I mean they can turn into any creature, right?

>>921209921209 realy? almost all i have seen never specify if the changeling is male or female they just are there.

Hmm, you switched #186's name to #180 after the 2nd paragraph.

>>924036924036

Whoops... I'll change that in a bit.

I've noticed quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. If you wanted I could preview it and fix any errors I've found. its also a really great story so far.

RANDOM COMMENT!!!!!  

Good story. Only thing i noticed you need to change is you are missing quotations in a couple places:

Oh, um… it’s just that, you know, I’ve never seen a real dragon up close and… I would love to see one now.”

Ooooookaaaay,” said Scootaloo, “Well, want to come and see our clubhouse first; it’s a must see for any new recruits.”

And the one in this line is backwards:

“Well… um, he lives over at the Tree library along with a purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle,” explained Apple Bloom,” That’s where we were last. Why do ya sound so eager to see him?”

Hope I could help and i can't wait for the next update

Cool!   ramdom pic yay shufleng!  

Image: http://fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/292/9/5/discord_dances_by_sirponylancelot-d4dbuiu.gif

somehow...  someway.... i fell like ive been trolled

well if chrysalis is a female changling theres absolutely no reason to believe there arent other female changelings this is an interesting concept ive read male changeling stories but this would be my first story were its from the view point of a female changeling other then the queen herself please continue!

- 'looked better inside than it did inside'

Otherwise very good chapter this story is like a refreshing overdose of pure awesome!!   

I can almost hear Pinkie saying "You can't hide your love from me! I saw the Romance tag!"

I am enjoing this, so continue

Me Gusta

That escalated quickly.

>>941300941300 That should be a line in the damn fic plus it totally suits Pinkie

Hmmm...I will read this once I get back from the cabin on Sunday. The concept alone intrigues me.

Overall this is a great fic.

But your English sucks

And I would point out the mistakes I saw, but I have a story that I must write

I like it. Favoriting.

Also:

She just sighed and got back up on her feet, “Oh well, it’s too late to turn back now; I’m… on my own.”

You said "feet" instead of "hooves". I don't know if this was intended, but it doesn't look like it.

Never being able to get your cutie mark is a requirement for being a cutie mark crusader, isn't it?

lol, i like this story thus far.

Please continue, only by trying do we gain more experience, lol.

Smooth move, Spike.

I personally love this story, but i find you in desperate need of an editor. I took the liberty of taking an excerpt from the passage and rewriting it how I would have done it and this is the result.

Original:

#457 was pretty much still alive, in fact she was in the middle of hanging out with the Cutiemark Crusaders on their newest crusading attempt… corralling sheep! Applejack gave them permission to try it out under her supervision with the help of Winona. Dragon Heart, she was actually enjoying herself; she forgot the last time she ever had this much fun.

My Version:

Number 457 was indeed still very much alive. She was in the middle of aiding the Cutie Mark Crusaders with their latest attemt at gaining cutie marks… corralling sheep! Applejack had given them permission to try it out under her supervision with the assistance of Winona. 457, or Dragon Heart as she had come to call herself, was actually enjoying herself. She had forgotten the last time she had ever had so much fun.

>>942142942142

Nice revision of that line. My writing isn't my best talent, but I do my best.

>>941300941300

I read that in pinkie's voice.

out of twilights for you.

>>941426941426

You know what, I just might let her say it later somehow; good idea.

Desperatly needs a editor,but otherwise.Moar.Moar now.

good good, let you jimmies rustle

Okay, so I downloaded this chapter to read and I've just finished reading. Next thing I know I'm hacking some poor sod's internet to comment on it, 'cause it deserves comments.

First of all, you did a great job coming up with a good idea and presenting it well. I'm liking your idea and you seem to be a capable writer. However, I can see where you're inexperienced. There were a couple points in the story where I can see potential for improvement. Blitz the Dragon's comment explained lot of what can stand to be improved on and how. I'd just like to touch on a couple more specific points that can use some work:

'One of the soldiers suddenly spoke up, "Well, we could just... invade that Ponyville place, it’s near Canterlot and a much easier place to feed."

The Queen just shook her head and sighed, "Even though that seems like a good idea #457, it's not..."'

'"That's a... pretty stupid excuse," said a random voice within the crowd. Different Changelings gasped as Chrysalis turned into the direction of the voice with angered eyes.

"What?! Who said that?! Which one of you worms claims my excuse to be stupid?!"

A group of the soldiers quickly dispersed in panic in a circle formation leaving a lone female Changeling standing in the center. The young creature looked up at the Queen with a mix of pure confidence and slight fear.

"Solider 457," said Chrysalis with a calm yet angered face, "do you have something on your mind?"'

According to this, the same changeling speaks in both exchanges. Part of the effective use of imagery is making sure that the reader is getting the appropriate sensory information from the right sources. In this case, we have an offscreen, anonymous character conversing with a known, onscreen character. As such, when you had 457 speak up again, you should have indicated that it was the same voice speaking. Also, because you had Chrysalis say 457's name(or number in this case), it would have worked to simply indicate that it was 457 speaking the second time.

i.e.

'"That's a... pretty stupid excuse," the voice from before piped up.' - Indicating same speaker

'"That's a... pretty stupid excuse," 457 prodded sardonically. - Indicating by name

And there's one more thing I'd like to point out.

'On her way there, her heart suddenly went all a-flutter while thinking a certain thought on her mind.

“Gee, I wonder if… he lives here.”'

This seems a little quick and forced to me. 457 was just banished from her hive and made it to Ponyville by the skin of her teeth. Even considering that she came to Ponyville looking for love, it doesn't seem like Spike would be the first thing to cross her mind upon arriving. That doesn't make it impossible though, it's just that more insight into 457's thoughts leading up to that point could be used. Here's the first idea that came to my mind for this part:

'As 457 made her way into town she considered her Queens words earlier, and how she had spoken of the bearers of The Elements of Harmony residing in Ponyville. She recalled the bearers from the battle outside the chamber containing the Elements themselves. She also recalled observing Him being very friendly with them, even riding on the back of the purple one from time to time. If the bearers did indeed reside in this town then maybe...

"Gee, I wonder if… he lives here.”'

Not sure if this is anything like what you have envisioned for this character as I haven't read any other chapters yet, but this gives us a better understanding of what her point of view was like during the invasion and also provides a better transition into her wondering if Spike is in Ponyville.

There's only one more tiny thing I want to point out, when including numbers (i.e. 3 of these, 6 of that, yada yada) be sure to actually write out your numbers (i.e. three, six, nine, twelve, etc.). It's just generally good practice, but it's not necessary one hundred percent of the time. Rule of thumb: If it's less than four digits, write it out.

Other than that, watch your capitalization and you have a winner on your hands! I'll do more stuff like actually hitting the "like" and "track" buttons when I get back to using my internet and not leeching off somebody's unsecured internet connection.

>>951400951400

I always thank those who wish for me to improve better in my writing.

I don't plan to become a main writer in the future, but getting some pointers is nice; also complicated words like 'sardonically' are not always in my memory dictionary.

This is really good!

Keep it up.

>>939857939857

If changelings are anything like other insects, the queen is the only female. The rest are males divided up into different tasks such as mating, guard duty, or food gathering.

>>961456961456 (shrugs) until otherwise canoned in the show the facts and ways of life for a changling is up in the air and may not be or act like the insect kinds we know besides the view point of male changling gets stale after reading so many (same with male vampire movies :P) female perspective please!

This chapter may seem a little rushed to some people but I did spend some good quality time on this chapter.

Anyone who wants to help me on this chapter, I'll be happy to recommend it.

I hope #186 wins, but that would not progress the story... right?

I'm liking this story so far. Great work! Please write more soon. Fav'd and liked.

Immkind of surprised 186 didn't just transform and shout "changeling" I'm pretty sure that would've ended things a lot quicker

More of this. We like it.

Oh and btw you accidently wrote #180 right after they met. Just sayin.

Bronydragon

Troll Reader: you called him #180 at one point, try to find it. You also spelt Dragon Heart without a capital h once. *Trollface*

I really like the concept behind this story. I just wish that it wasn't so hard getting to it through the text.

Twilight and Spike are acting very out of character here, and several story points are just too convenient to buy. Also, the writing itself is pretty bad.

You said earlier that you did not intend to write professionally, but I hope that you keep writing fan fiction. With more practice I think that you could be really good. In the meantime though, you really REALLY need an editor and a pre-reader.

5 out of 5 cunts for dis ere start of dis 'ere story!

Not bad not bad at all, But perhaps you should find a pre-reader.

This is a great story idea and I'm liking it so far, but it really needs a pre-reader to iron out the little things. If you'd like, I wouldn't mind doing that for you.

>>942142942142

Attemt?

I liked it,but Twilight was so OOC it made my head hurt.

good story. go on

>>986563986563

Well at least you're being honest; thanks!

>>986776986776

Any help would be appreciated, thank you.