- Member Since 19th Jan, 2017
- offline last seen Dec 10th, 2023
Scarlatina_Max
I am a new author, trying my hoof so to speak at pony oriented fanfiction.
Scarlatina_Max
Joined 19th Jan, 2017 ·
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This story is awesome! Keep it up.
7895973 thank you very much. Its not easy being a new writer
Is there gonna be another chapter?
7968900
I am actually reworking the content. The first chapter will be longer, and the new chapter will have a better beginning. Expect quite a few changes.
7969614 alright
It's looking great man- I'm excited to see more.
I like how you're including bits from project horizons
8255365
Thanks. Not everyone agrees but hey. I'm writing it not them am I right? And thanks for your support for so long.
This story is developing greatly.
8257725
Again thank you. Any criticisms at all?
8257336
Hey no problem. I cant really think of any criticism because i havent even written any stories but the only thing i can think of is to learn from your mistakes.
8258877
You got it bud
8270445
I admit I struggled with this concept, but it follows the lore from the actual games. And gardens cleaned the radiation and taint in the air and land, but there are still things spewing the stuff. The rivers and lakes, if you think about it would have been poluted with much more nasty stuff. Buildings and vehicles and corpes and pony waste would be disposed of via the water. It would be fine to farm with, but not so much to drink. The games didn't really delve into this topic, but for a story I felt it needed it.
8277203
There is alot more going on. If you keep reading you will actually understand what is going on. There is a method behind this madness.
Hmm... an interesting beginning, really
You do well on setting this in and painting the wasteland, as well as giving things reasons. It's not as easy with 'genetics' as you call it, but I agree, the scorching sun is a really nice detail, just like water being used as currency - looking at some of Near East or African countries, that one is not too far from truth.
Also, Moonshine is a really interesting character. Contented with what little he has, full of sarcasm and cynicism (I like that!) and with a talent that could be of interesting use in the wasteland. Also, I hope to see more of his mental images.
However, the big downside of this story I see is the grammar - notably your punctuation placement, capitalization, mixing up past and present tense and also a bit of troublesome plurals (You don't use apostrophe while creating a plural of some word. Also, it's Pegasi). If you wish, I can explain more through a PM about those - or try to help you edit this. Up to you
Sadly, due to most of the errors concentrated in the beginning of the chapter, I reckon I can understand why this otherwise well-crafted story (As far as I can tell now.) has those ratings it has... Also, what is it with the large paragraph spaces? One is enough and the larger ones should be replaced with a line break.
Anyway, thank you for this chapter, it was an interesting evening read. I'll make sure to read the rest as well.
They were overcome with the penetrating wind, and stinging ice. Only the toughest and hardiest made it to their claim, while the others, set up out posts, and little towns along the path north.
Thirty minutes later, (our ride remaining in utter silence) we finally began our descent. - doesn't sound right in my head. maybe something like, The silenced continued for a while until we started descending.
8601776
Ah ok. Thank you
With that out of the way, I picked up the helmet, and slung it on a hook hear my flank as I trotted out of the shed and toward our room.
We have to wait for a little while, the pony who I met will come get us. But we have to go a little ways further.” I sighed and nodded.
Honestly these are petty gripes but I really love this fic. So I'm going to say it in case you ever do a rewrite.
I was just kind of shocked that somepony who's lived in the wasteland would be so quick to sacrifice a good blanket. Even with repairs.
The way this is written makes Moonshine seem like a unicorn.
But this is only my opinion.
Its not often one see stories happen after the original story ended. I am looking forward to take a look of this when I return to the fandom
8673705
Its here when you are ready.
The page breaks are broken, or centered.
Ok so.. chapter one, really slow, took me a few days to get through it But I didn't wanna give up. Chapter two? I'm knocked off my socks and was surprised when I got to the ending seemingly so fast compared to chapter one. Had I really just been completely hooked into the action and the emotions to the point that I didn't even notice I'd read so far? Yep. The final reveal of where the main character has come from, for sure drove me to want to read on and was a really great connection to the original FOE, as well as telling an unknown tale with reference to that location and it's aftermath. (No spoilers in the review :D ) I love Shady! She has so many dimensions and aspects to her and I think we've only just scratched the surface of who this mare is. I don't always want to go forward with a story, but this one has my interest. I wanna know more!
Review time!
Its really nice that you are going all science on us... But if you are going science can't you go half assed! If the suns radiation get modified so much by the cloud cover would all of the ponies from the Stables die from complications of vitamin D deficiency after living outside their bunkers, and any larger than normal sized insect should not be possible because of the percentage of oxygen in the air that only would be lowered after an atomic winter that would fuck the eco system over and stop photosynthesis, and a whole slew of other sciency stuff. Neither MLP nor FO is about being scientific accurate, heck Fo have rad meds in bottles, cold fussion cells that you could have in your pocket, and matter to energy to matter converters was even shown in one of the DLCs. Some logic and science is nice, but neither have the control in the realm of pastel ponies.
So seeing as you have such a nice prologue written up do I really not know why you don't have a prologue chapter. What you have written would be a perfect show of how FoE works to a new reader, how you write, and where we are in the setting. And since it is a prologue to the first chapter... yea give it its own space so the first chapter is the first chapter, and the prologue is the prologue...
And then is the first many segments of the actual first chapter is rehashing the prologue, just trough the characters eyes instead of doing it from a narrators viewpoint. I must admit that I normally follow a rule of 3 when it comes to new stories and determining if I want to continue or not, but how the character described stuff was really not my cup of tea sadly combined with me having to re-read the whole first story over again made me stop early on. Maybe I have gotten a bit spoiled lately with some other stories that just hit it out of the park from the first page, and I am sorry that I give up so quickly, but how the character describe stuff does not sit with me, and is made worse with, as I have said, that we just got told the stuff mere pages before. Nice headshots thou!
Nitpicks:
"a Vault dweller hailing from Stable two," Stable pony
"and over they years since, " The
"and forced the Pegasi to finally take note of those living on the surface of Equestria" pegasi is not with capital letters, it is a race after all.
" More time passed, and the hatred for the Pegasi was finally cooled when food and water became scarcer, and they all had to begrudgingly work together to survive." Why should hate slowly erode when pegasi began to starve and the ones below have in abundance? The Enclave are xenophobic as hell, you do not change that over a few years.
"Speaking of Dehydration" Don't know why you have this capitalized.
Did...DID THEY NOT TAKE THAT FUCKING BAD ASS REVOLVER?????????
8961885
Keep reading lol
Enjoying the story! Looking forward to more.
8897165
Hey, I just read your post about tips for new writers. Your third one struck home with me. I apologize for not replying to your comment, i just thought you flat out hated my story.
A+. Glad to see you back with an update.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
9556941
Moonshine would be quite normal, despite his size maybe a little bass.
Shady would sound kind of like spitfire
Cherry would sound like jessica rabbit just not as exagerated.
Zakk would be a little like nicholas cage
Rogue, despite transitioning to a male, would still sound feminine and similar to any other alicorn.
Great update! I’m glad you are well. Looking forward to the next chapter. I think the idea of moving forward and exploring new areas is a good one. Wish I could do more other than write congratulatory words.
9876961
Hey, I appreciate your kind words. And maybe you have it in you to write a story or two
I was really hoping that this story would have finished. Such great work.
10499273
believe it or not, it is. I am currently working on chapter 16, and I know it is long overdue. I am sorry for the delay, but IRl had me bent over a barrel for a while. so I am slowly getting back into it, and finishing off my 16th chapter. it will be out soon, but sadly no art for it as of yet. Thank you so much for your support
Awesome update! Saw a couple of spelling errors, but the only one I can think of is (pour mother should be poor mother). Still great work. Looking forward to reading more.
I hope you return.