Christmas passed. Not much happening otherwise. Glad to spend family time with my family. Since they’re my family. Families have family time, and this joke is getting old. Better not tell it to the family.
I’ll be finishing school next semester, ready to trot out into the brave, wide world of Equestria to provide music education to foals willing to learn. At least, I would, if Celestia didn’t already privately hire me. Not even out of college and she wants be to be her private composer. Apparently she doesn’t like the currently royal music, and wants me to compose something modern. I actually like what we have now, but then again, I’m the classical music pony.
Ready to get this next semester rolling though. Not sure how often I’ll be able to write, since I’m bound to be busy.
Well, the new semester is under way. Already, I can tell I’m bound to have a lot of work. Celestia’s giving me a lot of free time as far as my composing and work for her is concerned, so I can put my real work on the front shelf and the other stuff in the back seat. I know that was a mixture of two metaphors, but it made sense at the time.
Meanwhile, Picture Perfect told me that Fleur is transferring out of Canterlot. Apparently, her preferred degree program isn’t offered here. Makes for less awkward run-ins where she usually stares me down as I walk by. Honestly, if I see her, it’s hard not to look. I know it’s better for me to do so, and I have the patience and will to not look at her. But just knowing what we were to what we are now is very upsetting. I told her everything, and now, I can’t even talk to her at all. Chalk it all up to the lies she fed me in my emotional vulnerability. I’m better off not loving anypony for a long time. I need to be more selective in my choosing, I guess. Maybe wait till college is over. I don’t think I’ll find anypony here.
Finished Celestia’s new piece. After a listen to it, she absolutely loved it. A few revisions needed, but I wasn’t expecting her to find it perfect the first time. She says if all goes well, she’ll have Octavia and her small ensemble play it at the Grand Galloping Gala. Not a huge fan of large social gatherings, but it’d be interesting to hear my work played and the crowd response. After that, I can leave. It’s just not fun without somepony to be there with, you know?
Still looking for somepony with all the qualities I desire. Shy, background, nice, kind, caring, gentle...sigh...maybe my standards are too high. Maybe they’re not high enough. I know better than to change what I want. Fate has a way of bringing us what we deserve. Maybe I just don’t deserve that mare yet. Maybe fate doesn’t want her paired up with somepony like me. I know that I’d deserve her, but she wouldn’t deserve me. Not conceitedly, she could just do better.
Bleh, I got lost writing and I rambled. I need to get to bed anyway. Long day tomorrow.
Exactly a month after my last entry. Interesting.
So the Grand Galloping Gala was last night. I made the necessary adjustments to my piece, and Octavia and her small ensemble played it. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting the crowd reaction. It was almost unanimously loved.
I was about to leave after it was played when Soarin, a member of the Wonderbolts, our local aeronautic stunt squad, caught me, inviting me to hang with them. Being a pegasus, it’s essentially a sin not to like them, so I agreed. Of course, almost as I expected, they wanted me to write some “badass” music for their new routines. I’ve always loved fight songs, so I guess it’s about time I tried my hoof at one.
The rest of the gala went over rather smoothly. Wound up staying for the entire thing and then some, talking to the Wonderbolts and other assorted ponies. Then, Octavia, usually one of few words, started a conversation, asking me about my inspiration for the piece. She liked playing it, and wanted to know if there was anything else I could write for her. I’ve got a lot on my plate this semester with extra-curricular activities it seems. Will I even have time to finish my school work?
Am I going to pass?
Life is getting interesting, yet again.
I finished the piece for the Wonderbolts not too long ago. They liked it. Loved it, actually, and provided a bit of financial compensation. I wasn’t expecting that, honestly. Octavia payed pretty well, too. More than I can say about Celestia.
Apparently I’ve been keeping journal entries. I found this one from middle school. Now that I think about it, I do recall keeping a journal for a bit in middle school. It sucked, and a teacher told me the best way to get it out was to write. I never forget things, but I somehow forgot about my journal. Here’s an entry I found digging around my room.
I’ve been thinking hard recently. (Uh oh...) The more I think about sex and love, the more I come to the conclusion that love is real, Sex is real, but making love isn’t. Love, I’ve “Felt”. Sex, I unfortunately experienced. Making love, however...first of all, if something can be exploited, it’s overrated (Then again, desire fills our carnal lust). Second, it just seems so undignified. I can’t think of many ways for sex to unfold with full foreplay, intercourse, and semen spilling as dignified. For a colt, spilling a load where everyone can see it just seems to primeval, and to have it left anywhere, especially on somepony’s body, or just visible, seems so carnal and evil. Third, having sex after knowing somepony for so long, marrying, knowing full well what the other pony is like, then proceeding to invade, yes INVADE their insides. Sex. “Making love”. How can somepony screw somepony they’ve known for so long without feelings of shame or guilt? I feel guilty after a kiss. I’m the only pony I know who feels like this. I can watch porn because I’m alone. I just can’t get physical with other ponies. I just have problems where mares are concerned. I hardly touch mares I know (Shoulders, anything) without some sort of recognition. I need to be positive they’re okay with it. Normal people see it as a hug. I see it as a potential place to hurt ponies. The times that I’ve even touched a flank (Accidental and intentional) I get so overcome with a severe sense of unrest that plagues my body and doesn’t leave. Mostly referring to accidental, just the fact that I even managed to feel a flank on any part of my body (Chest, arm) sickens me. Not the mare, but just the sexual contact...scares me. I’m pretty sure no marriage of mine would ever last because I could never fully satisfy my wife. If I can’t stand touching, how could I stand sex? I believe it’d be easier to screw a stranger than a life-long lover. Then again, I wouldn’t know.
And now I do know. Honestly, not much changed. It wasn’t easy to have sex with Fleur. At least, my emotions afterwards didn’t let me think so. It wasn’t easy to have sex with any of those strangers, either. Sex just doesn’t appeal to me, and that bothers me. I have a gender role to keep. Yet...I can’t.
Still ever persistently developing thoughts about love,
Happy one year away from you, Fleur. Hope it was worth it.
I know that if I’m ever going to be happy in life, I’ll have to take chances and apply myself. I need to stop worrying about rejection...but it’s too hard. My little web of insecurities entangles me...and chokes me...one thing I have working against me is my inexperience. Plus, my desire for physical contact but my lack of daring. If I ever want to be a successful Grandfather, Father, Husband, or friend, I need to take risks. Why can’t I be normal?
My sister broke up with her bf...again. My mom said not to let their relationship distort my views. Too late. There’s just too much heartache going around. It pisses me off, too. I have so much to offer but I can’t convey that. I don’t have the balls to act. Mom said to make the end of college a new start. I hope I can. I’m going to fail as usual, though. Anyways, I’m rather tired, so I’m going on to bed. Night.
Looking for love in all the wrong places,
On the outside I’m lying, on the inside I’m dying.
Getting depressed again. Missed my medication, so my depression’s stronger. Therefore, so is my depression about being single. I’d write about it but I’d be saying the same stuff I always do.
Celestia now added me to a payroll. I’m earning lots of money for writing music. Woopie.
School’s ending soon, and I’m ready to graduate. Celestia already hired me so I don’t have to worry about finding a job. Still wouldn’t mind being a band director though...sigh...it’s a good start though.
Huge break in writing. Sorry about that. Been too busy getting money, mares, and moolah. With the exception of the mares, of course.
Graduated with honors. Not the highest in the class, but pretty far up there. Got my degree, what more do I need?
Written three major symphonies that have been played across Equestria. Oddly enough, a lot of high schools have been popping up that want me to write a fight song for them. And school song. They’re a new school, so why not? Seriously doubt that there’s not another composer out there they would want more than me. But yeah. Best get started, I’ve got 5...no, 6 high schools to write music for. I have till the end of the month.
Writing my life away,
My sister’s birthday is tomorrow. I’d best get her something. She doesn’t care for classical, so writing a song for her is out of the question.
The high schools love the fight songs. Wrote some according to their mascots. Snakes, rams, chargers, oxen, whatever. Made it sound snaky. Whatever a snake sounds like. The entire piece isn’t just them hissing. And I’m rambling again.
The high school in Ponyville posted a job offering. they want a...you guessed it...band director. Without thinking, I posted an application. I hope Celestia doesn’t get too upset with me. I’d better break the news to her tomorrow.
Hoping for the best,
So I broke the news to Celestia. I told her that I had to move on, that I needed to teach others about music. Told her about applying for the job. She told me that they would accept me, so I shouldn’t bother saying “if” in my time.
She was actually pleased to hear it. She said that I was a great student, she enjoyed having me, but that she wanted me to do in life what made me happiest. I thanked her for her time, told her that I’d only be a town away, should she need something. All I need to do is hear back from Ponyville and we’ll be square.
Waited to get it all done in one entry.
Ponyville contacted me, telling me that they were astounded that I applied. They told me I was a little overqualified, but that I should come in for an interview anyway. They acted a little strange around me, almost like I was the princess herself. They hold me in high esteem, I guess.
After I went home, I received mail telling me that I had been accepted, and that the job starts next month. I literally jumped for joy, the only time I’ve ever done so, and galloped to tell the Princess. She was ecstatic (Or so it seemed) to hear that I’d been accepted, and wished me luck in Ponyville. She said she knew somepony there, recently sent her there for something. I was too excited to catch the name. Oh well. I messed up again. But things will get better. I’m off to a fresh new start in Ponyville. I move out day after tomorrow. I’ll be sure to write immediately afterwards.
“NOW we get to the good stuff.” said Trey, smiling at Fluttershy. “Sorry it’s taking so long.”
“Oh, I don’t mind.” said Fluttershy. “I find this very interesting. If you still have that journal from middle school, I’d read it...but only if that’s okay with you of course...”
“Oh, sure.” said Trey, a little surprised she was genuinely interested. “I’ll find it. I’ll let you read it on your own time, though. I want to share the Flutterheart diary together. The other one doesn’t matter as much.”
“Oh. Well it matters to me...” said Fluttershy.
“Oh. Well...I guess it wouldn’t hurt to read a small amount from it before the real stuff.” said Trey, smiling at her. “You’re the real stuff.”
Fluttershy blushed, giving him those eyes he loved. “Well...I guess you could say that...”
Trey laughed, kissing her before turning the lights. Tomorrow was a brand new day. Tomorrow, he would read her what really went on in his head when he first met her. He was slightly apprehensive. This would go over either really well, or not well at all. They both knew the ending, so it was bound to work out. At least, that was the plan.
Trey put aside his pessimistic thoughts and laid his head next to Fluttershy.
“I love you.” he told her.
“I love you, too.” she said, kissing him lightly.