Red is a Saiyan who has the power to control Fire, when this was discovered he was forced to leave the planet, and after visiting Earth for a short time for more training, he lands on a new planet and wonders if this planet would be good for him, that planet he lands on: Equestria.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is my first attempt at making a story, please do give me some consructive criticism I already edited it some thanks to some suggestions from a friend of mine. please comment on how you think I should change it if I need to change anything.
One thing Reddened, You are missing a lot of periods, whethere they be at ends of dialogue, or at the ends of non dialogue text. Plus, as far as I know, you should never have to people speaking in the same paragraph. I am referencing this:" "My name is Red miss Rarity, and I am a member of a race of elite fighters called Saiyans" I tell her to which she responds "well do you have anyplace to stay here?" I shake my head and reply " In my opinion, it should look more like "My name is Red miss Rarity, and I am a member of a race of elite fighters called Saiyans." I tell her to which she responds,
(That's nine) Good job overall.
"Well do you have anyplace to stay here?" I shake my head and reply,
That is one spot that needs fixin', but other than those things, it looks very nice. On a scale of ten grins, you get *drumrolls*
Saiyans Cannot control fire, as far as I know :3
Many probloms: 1; The spirit bomb is usually unique to Goku, and he didn't teach anyone the spirit bomb according to the show. 2:Bardock dies when Goku is a infant, so to meet Bardock, Goku wouldn't have been an adult yet. 3: Super Saiyan? That takes tremendous power, and I doubt, quite honestly, that he could pull it off. I just can't stand how cheesy I see this as. It also feels rushed. But this is your first fic, so don't feel too terrible. Maybe I'm just harsh, I dunno.
1053053 the flame control thing is for my OC
1053079 for meeting/being trained by Bardock: alternate universe.
awsome story so far I love and will red race rainbow dash please say yes
I was so expecting red to say bitch im a sayan i can do anything
1053053>>1053079
hey dont complain just read the story jesus
good chapter bye the way
1117244
Ok, dude, for one: you made my day with that second comment about what you were expecting me (Red) to say. but I don't curse, so, I won't curse in the story, if by SOME chance I do, I will have it censored. as for Me Vs Dashie, well.... hahahahahahahaha I will not spoil anything.
*coughHYEScough*
A/N: Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out guys, I sorta forgot about this, and also, I am (at the time I type this/finished the chapter) busy living at the campgrounds where my parents and I attend Camp Meeting, as we moved out of our last home because we left the church there, and are looking for another one, my dad is a pastor, and as such, we left the last church, and are looking for one, and staying at the campgrounds to have a place to stay at for now. Hopefully, we will be moving into our own place soon. I will try to update more often, to make up for lack of updates. please comment on ideas of things you'd like to see me (Red) do in the upcoming chapters. Also, I made a few references in this chapter. See if you can find them. if you think you did, say what the reference line is, and what you believe it's a reference too, and I'll tell you if your correct or not.
Good luck! 
ok can i just say that this an awesome story. it kinda makes me want write a story just like this only a little different
:
awww, awesome, I gave you inspiration! HUZZAH THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED! sorry I haven't posted any chapters after the 4th one though, I've both hit the brick wall that is Writer's block, and also, for another thing, I'm currently in a place where the internet connection is kinda bad/unreliable. about 1 bar or so. I'll be moving soon, up to Virginia, meaning I'll be out of commission internet wise for a while. after that, I know I can start making chapters again, and I REALLY want to make another one or more chapters, but I'm trying quite hard to think of what I want to do next...and as for your comment, yes. yes you can, and you did, thank you very much!
ok question though now thats he slept with dash will he fall in love with her or will his love be only with luna::
1627176 heh, well, the thing is, Red is basically me. (just a saiyan, with special powers, not a human...) as for that, he's living with Rainbow yes but his love will be Luna, though at the same time, it'll also be Dash...because one: he's living with her, and two: she's sorta like him...but the love is Luna.
well the thing is since i had this idea for your thing. how bout this instead hows bout a confliction of feelings for both dash and luna. that will make it more interesting. here is the thing he is very passionate and loves luna with all his heart but he also has a certain affection for rainbow since she is like him. both are amazing mares so he needs advice on who to choose so guess who he goes to for help. twlight thats who so they both talk and later on he finds out that the one he wants to be with is luna and he tells her and rainbow finds out and although she is happy for him on the outside she still wishes for a chance at him on the inside and she runs away all heart broken and all. is that a good idea or what
1628322 yes it is. a very good idea indeed. and Scoot will have a role as well, playing either the adopted daughter, or adopted sister, I'm not sure which way I want to go, maybe daughter. I'll keep that idea in mind, and think out how I'll play it out. Thanks bro!
i have also another idea bout this. have dash just the day after she finds out crying her eyes out because of this and fluttershy come into her room and try and comfort her but end up failing.
1628829 interesting. I like it. and since it's traditionally believed by the fans that Scootaloo is an orphan, I may take her as an adopted daughter, and since we have yet to meet Rainbow's parents in the show (much less find out if she even has any) I may or may not do the same with Rainbow, have her be an adopted daughter, or sister. Red could comfort Rainbow by telling her how he'd be loyal until the end to her, and Luna, as he is unable to abandon his friends and family. (kinda like Sonic, he's unable to resist a cry for help/unable to resist a friend in need.) he's willing to move mountains to come to the aid of both Luna and Rainbow. and another thing, see, I'm uncomfortable writing sex scenes, but I don't mind reading them now. but I will not write them in my story, and Red did not do anything with neither Luna or Rainbow Dash when he slept with them, he just literally shared their bed. (or is sharing the bed with Rainbow as of now.) no nightly activities of that kind will happen unless I mention them possibly happening previously in the chapter, or imply/say that it happened later in the chapter/in the next chapter.
yes yes i love
i am loving this idea and i now i want to use this for my story.. but lets make it more just he is willing to move mountains. lets have him willing to give up his own life to see them both happy. that will show he is loyal or maybe beyond that. proving loyalty to the element of it and the most beutiful princess of the night:
1629002 trust me when I say HE IS that loyal. hence why I said loyal to the end. quite frankly, if he were to die defending them, he'd go out of his way to THREATEN the thing passing judgement on the souls, (aka, King Yemma) just to get his body back/go back there, then go out of his way to keep coming back to make them happy (thus putting him on the lamb meaning he'd be hunted to be brought back to the other world, since in the DBZ universe, you can only come back for one day, and then, you can't go back unless your wished back to life, you go back yourself (by force) or brought back to life in some way, or given special treatment. (and let's just say that may end up happening.
) 
i think i just helped you out of the writers block for a bit except for that last part i stated
. lets hope these things help u make a few more chapters
1629080 indeed. you've given me some ideas. and I'm going to keep an eye on you, as I seem to have given YOU inspiration haven't I?
I look forward to what you are going to do. and I did alter the character tags, giving Discord a role, as sure I am having this start after the royal wedding of Cadence and Shining Armor, but that doesn't mean I can't have things happen again now can I? perhaps the presence of a Saiyan has stirred up enough chaos for him to break free AGAIN, and he may be the one to cause my possible death, and I realize I may make the characters in my story be out of character than they are in the show, but the readers need to understand the following point if that happens (plus I'ma gonna have a tricky time writing Discord should he show up.) This is MY story, and as such, I can take as many liberties with how the characters act as I want. if YOU make a story, you can do whatever the shock, you want to with them you can make them just like their canon appearance, or completely different. in this case, it's my story, I'll have them act how I want them to act. 
ok if discor is comin back i have one more idea. have him attk luna and have her hurt till she show a little blood (all this while red is away for a reason i cant think of) then when he comes and sees this he guest so angered that he unlock his super saiyan 2 potential and have him fight until discord try to kill luna but he steps in front of her and hes the one who dies and luna is crying till she cant cry no more for the loss of her lover and she realizes that she loves him more then ever before and . hows that oh and dont forget dash and the other elements.
1629151 Oh don't worry, the super saiyan 2 thing, It's gonna look KINDA like the picture used as cover art, (just different hairstyle) but, heh, I've got my own idea for the form's look, but the strength will be like a Super Saiyan 2.
as for the other things i mentioned in the comment
1629200 interesting ideas Perhaps I'll consider them.
FREAKING GOD YOU DID NOT HAVE TO KILL RED
1681414 hahahaha, oh but unfortunately, yes, I did have to kill myself. (Red is me basically.) but don't worry your head my little pony, he'll be back. take the following Ponycon as a hint as to how.
I will only say this once and I'm sorry dude but: ¡QUE MIERDA!
1681902 Don't worry, All will be answered soon, he's not dead for long, he'll be alive again in the next chapter, I promise you.
and he's gonna be even stronger than before. 
1681497 Ohhh..
1682070 after all? does anyone really DIE in DBZ?
you sir get all the mustaches
What...... just what?
Welp....DAMN FINE JOB! I've been waiting for someone to completely obliterate Discord, and you did not disappoint.
1682554>>1682762>>1682835 hahahaha Thank you all. Thank you. I do believe this is my masterpiece of a chapter.
1682554 I wonder, what really got you extremely happy enough to give me all of those Mustaches?
1682762 I'm confused, What?
1685436 I'm just confused on what happened.
1686664 basically, I pulled a DBZ where he shown up at the place where King Yemma usually was. in otherworld, He leaves, after threatening the judge, and goes back to save Luna and the others from Discord. after kicking Discord's flank, Twilight started to use the elements to restore Luna, Red, thinking they were going to seal her up, or hurt her, used the last of his strength, and got in the way, taking the blast, and then burns off the excess energy via an explosive wave. after which, he had somehow gotten a cutie mark, and had been restored to life because of the elements. That help? or are you still confused? if you are, tell me what your confused about.
1687731 Ah, I get it now.
1689808 Did'ya manage to find the references I made in the chapter though?
1689827 Nope, been a while since I've seen DBZ and even then its DBZ:GT
1689892 I wasn't referencing DBZ itself more along the lines of Dragon Ball Z Abridged by TeamFourStar. though there was one reference to a video game at the start of my fight with Discord that should have been very obvious.
1690043 I've only played one game and it was a loan from a friend so I probably won't spot and/or get the reference.
1690078 it wasn't a DBZ game reference, I wasn't referencing any DBZ games. well, except for some of the moves from them....(Bardock's Final Revenger from BT2, and SSj Future Gohan's Fierce Combination, the ultimate from BT3, and RB2) but the reference from the beginning of the fight was a Mortal Kombat reference.
1690337
I can be so dense sometimes. 
Almost everypony knows that. *licks nose and teleports into bedroom*
But I can take a hint once in a while. *runs into bedroom* *pops head out of door without shirt* Ah the benefits of having a Alicorn for a girlfriend. *pops head back in and locks door*
1690354 I agree with thee. who is thy alicorn girlfriend? Nightmare Moon? Mine's Luna. ^_^
but yep, I practically QUOTED DBZA word for word in a few places (like the beginning)
I also referenced some of the DBZ games with the moves I used, and Mortal kombat for Scorpion. "GET OVER HERE"
1690457 It's technically one of my OCs that I don't use much because allot of people think she's over powered but it sort of balances out with the fact that she can become a complete wreck at the drop of a dime and she's batsh
t insane.
1690043 I'm guessing I'm not the only one that whatched The Episode of Bardock Abridged plus I noticed those Quotes from Seasons 1 and 2. As you can see by the picture I picked to represent me I'm also a fan,
P.S. Ghost Nappa is Awesome.