Hello!So people have bugged me about a FimFiction account for a while now and I've finally decided to get one. Anyways, I suck at these bio things so... yeah.
For most foals, a magical surge results in a couple hours of frantic searching. For Twilight Sparkle, a magical surge vaporised an entire Canterlot block and killed hundreds. Having spent the last ten years as a fugitive running from the law, she is tired of her life and all she desires is for the nightmare to end. With one last night before she turns herself in, she spends it with her one and only friend - Trixie.
Proof-read and editted by Sabre and Some Person (Thanks!)
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Okay, here's a oneshot I've been working on that also been slightly editted by the wonderful y1sfellas and the superb Sabre. To understand exactly what Celestia has done it may be necessary to read between the lines to figure it out. As per usual, critique it as much as you want and for those who are wondering, no it will not impact on the update schedule of my other fic.
And does the sad tag even really count?
Edit: Minor corrections made
I shall read it later!
849306
Dood, I was just about to comment on your reading speed.
I actually read this over on fanfiction.net and found it interesting. The dynamic between Twilight and Trixie is fairly new and I like the idea of redemption that this story puts out there. For both characters.
Lovely little fic! There are a few spots where a space is needed between words and a few capitalization issues but that's about it. If there's a sequel, I'd read it!
849341
I'm glad you enjoyed it so much, I'm still waiting for one of my edittors to get back to me so I can update it, but I felt posting it here in the mean time would be a good idea. And seriously? More mistakes? I'll fix those up in the morning when I can see straight.
849315
Yeah, I just woke up so... yeah.
EDIT: Just finished reading and I LOVE it!
Read later! I'll be back after breakfast and lifting, but I can't wait to see how this goes.
Soo...Celestia placed Trixie in Ponyville and Twilight in the Everfree to wait until her execution, which will not happen because the next Summer Sun Celebration will probably be the 1000th one and, as such, the return of Nightmare Moon. However, what would that accomplish? Trixie as the new Element of Magic? I don't know if she could befriend the rest of the mane 6, and Twilight is probably out of it, too, since she'll be sitting in the ruins, unable to make any friends.
Or did I miss something?
Anyway, it is an interesting AU. It's actually a bit sad that it's only a oneshot.
It does definitely take 2 reads to figure out just what Celestia's doing, she really fits in both with her canon and fanon personalities.
Aside from that, I really liked your characterisation and justification of Trixie, a character I typically dislike.
okay, i'll start this of with, I liked it! a nice twist on Twixie, they don't hate each other nor are they a couple, just friends, i liked that.
And i couldn't spot too many errors but this needs to be "cleaned up".
also, it says "complete" but i take it you're releasing more chapters, since i read that a few comments up and that ending was way too "open".
great concept, good writing, needs a little fixing though, all in all, a solid story.
Faved, tracked, and all that good stuff.
I agree, it needs to be expanded somewhat.
Maybe it's in prep for some sort of lesson about forgiveness? If they are willing to accept a redeemed Princess Luna who may have actually chose her darker path, then they should forgive a young mare who didn't.
Well Twilight is still the element of magic and Celestia set her up for doing her work, maybe redeem herself by saving the oh so popular princess of the sun, and getting the 2nd one back.
Its all about the public opinion, they want to blame someone for the deaths and they dont give a buck its a kid, so the princess sets it up that Twilight gets to save the day properly.
But how could the person chasing Twilight not know its his sister, he would at least suspect her being oh so similar to her and check out and maybe notice that she is not on the list of killed? Hes a captain not some soldier not told anything.
Basicly a different start to the normal story?
Very nice btw
I liked this story. And as everyone else has said I would love an expansion of the story. It was great but the only thing I didn't like was the fact that the story seemed cut off at the end like it should be continued.
Kool!
Well that was a lovely little read
Wait a second, it's over? No. Wrong. Just no. MOAR. For the love of the sun, MOAR. You can't leave me hanging like that!
Actually, you can, and I commend you for being able to get that reaction from me. In all seriousness, I think you could have expanded on this idea more, because it was a bit short for my liking. Now, that being said, I have a few things to point out:
1. Grammar. In multiple places you forgot to put spaces in between words and after punctuation, and there were a couple of mistakes with your compound words. Also, there were places where you should have put a comma but didn't. One last thing: at times you used the wrong verb tense (just PM me if you have questions about that). There were other minor issues, but nothing else too distracting.
2. Too much dialogue. Twilight's mind has got to be racing almost the whole time, and I didn't get that feeling at all. At times I even forgot this was from Twilight's point of view. Give us more of Twilight's thoughts as she goes through this journey, not just her listening to other ponies talk without comment.
3. I doubt Celestia would actually talk and act the way she did in this, even considering Twilight's and Trixie's actions. You got Shining Armor just right though, so good job on that.
Other than that, I say job well done! You held my attention all the way to the end and managed to leave me hanging on the edge of my seat, which is a rare occurrence. I'll be waiting for more from you.
This feels like I'm reading Breaking Twilight; I want to give it a thumb up, but there are just so many errors. I love the world you crafted and the story you wrote, but the mistakes detract a lot. With some cleaning up, this could easily go from okay to great.
849415
In terms of Trixie befriending the rest of the Mane 6, I really wanted to show what she could be like as a friend in order to make that more plausible. I also gave it a longer time frame between them arriving and the subsequent NNM arrival to add that extra depth of realism. When it comes to how plausible it is, it'd probably take a bit of manipulation, but I don't think it's that implausible as in canon, Twilight only met them for a day. It is a valid concern though and it's part of the reason why I kept it as a oneshot to prevent myself from having to tangle with these things.
849423
Glad you enjoyed Celestia so much because she was a hassle to write. In the first draft, she came across too much as a tyrant so I had to tone that back. I'm glad I got the balance right in the end though.
849427
Sorry to disappoint, but there isn't a sequel or next chapter planned at all and this was meant to be a oneshot in its entirity. It is open ended and I sort of want it to be open ended truth be told. Plus, a lot of what happens in the future is implied in the story and I basically want people to assume that, that is the 'ending' so to speak. And everyone's mentioning it needs to be cleaned up so I shall clean it up!
849483
Originally I was going the fic was actually going to be a lot longer with one specific scene from each year of her ten years on the run which would eventually culminate in the scene written above. The issue with that though is that I felt it detracted from the above too much and it would drag out the fic too much. I very much wanted this to be about Twilight and Trixie's friendship as well as Celestia in the background. Could I write it in the future? Maybe, but I don't feel it'd make an interesting enough story and I've got a lot of other stories ideas which I feel would be far more interesting.
849515
Yep! Perfect summary of how Celestia planned things. In terms of Shining Armor, I'm fairly certain I said he thought Twilight was dead. If not, I'll just have to editt it in. Thanks for bringing it to my attention though.
850490
Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Finally, a critique, oh dear Celestia you're the best. Ahem. Sorry about that.
Someone else pointed out the lack of spacing and I'll be fixing that up now. I thought I had caught all of them already, but apparently not. And tenses, the bane of my writing. The prereaders at EQD pointed that out to me as well and my abuse of commas (so I editted some out, but apparently took out some wrong ones out) so yay me.
Could you expand on what you mean by your second point? I get what you're saying, but I felt as though I had enough thoughts already in there. Was there a specific place you felt it was missing or something?
What specifically about Celestia was off? She was the hardest character for me to write and I'd really love specifics if you could give them. Even something as simple as "She was too informal" would help a lot.
850894
Heh, grammar is my weakest point when it comes to writing. Everyone and I do mean everyone hassles me about it. I've actually got a friend editting this for me since I want to get it onto EQD and they said that the grammar was basically dragging it down. I am currently cleaning it up as we speak, but my grammar fails. Is there any area you'd particularly recomment me looking at? Other than tenses and comma useage because I know I'm crap at those two.
852016
that's a shame.. because it would make for some good reading..
ooh well..
good luck with what you decide to do next i guess
852016 The biggest problems are word tenses (present instead of past) and usages (things like me instead of my), that and typos, especially spaces that are either missing, or are offset. Basically, problems that could be fixed by just finding a good proofreader. You can probably find one here.
852043
Thanks. I may write something in between fics or when I have spare time, but currently I have other things I want to write. I'll definitely keep it in mind though for the future.
852071
Yeah, tenses are my weakest point right now and something I'm hoping to have fixed by the end of Breaking Twilight though usages is a new one so I'll definitely keep my eye out on that. Thanks for the link I'll definitely check it out and thanks for all the advice and critiques, I really appreciate it.
852016
Glad to see someone likes my critiques. I always like to tell writers how they can improve; seeing authors do their best is what I really love. So, on to details:
Too much dialogue, not enough Twilight. Where this stood out to me most was when Celestia, Trixie, and Twilight are in the hedge maze. It's line after line of dialogue, and Twilight has little to no mention. After a second glance-through, everywhere else looks fine.
Celestia is OOC. While informal speech isn't such a big deal, what she says and how she says it feels profoundly wrong in some spots. I'll quote the ones that I think are OOC. Immediately following the quotes are my initial reactions. After that, I'll explain why I reacted that way.
"Please be a dear". Oh, Lawdy, no, no, no. I cannot, through any stretch of my imagination, imagine Celestia saying that, ever.
Is Celestia really that weak? I know a ruler is bound by their subjects, but I find it hard to believe Celestia would give in to the public that easily.
Oh, dear God, no. The way I see Celestia, she would only resort to execution if she was going to be deposed otherwise, and even then sadly and regretfully. But without a care, as though a pony's life is insignificant? Never.
While this isn't dialogue, I find it hard to believe Celestia would ever glare at anyone. This isn't the only place, but this is where I think it was worst. I have a similar opinion regarding the quote below.
That's all I got. You asked for details, there they are. Sorry for the big wall of text, but I go all or nothing. On a final note, watch your spacing with quotation marks, specifically in places like this:
And so on.
Again, I enjoyed this story a lot, I'll be waiting for more from you! After consideration, I've decided to give you a watch. Keep up the good work!
852841
Alright, I'll definitely give the hedge maze section a second look over and add in some more thoughts into the entire thing. The ending was picked up as being too rushed in the original version so I added some more stuff in, but it seems like it wasn't enough so I'll try to slow it down a bit more with thoughts.
I can definitely see what you mean by the first quote and I will definitely change that. The second and third quotes was me trying to show Celestia resorting to lies and so forth in order to argue against Trixie. I will admit that those two lines were part of the original draft where Celestia was meant to come across as more of a tyrant than what is portrayed in the show. I do agree with what you say though and some adjustments will have to be made or at least, I have to clarify my intentions more. As for the glare, that's definitely my fault entirely. I was trying to imply that Trixie is Celestia's student in this AU and that Celestia feels comfortable enough to show emotions like glaring around Trixie and that while it is a glare, it's a common occurance between them and Trixie knows to brush it off. I'll definitely have to make it clearer and fiddle around with it some more to get that across as no one has really picked up on that detail until the rest.
Mwhahahaha, already fixed up all those little missed spaces and stuff. Still have to do the major edits involving tenses and the above, but the small minor stuff should be mostly fixed (I hope).
852889
Ah, I see. I think if you make those intentions more clear then the OOC-ness ceases to be a problem. Let me know when you finish looking it over, I want to read this at its top form.
852897
My friend recommended I state Trixie talked to Shining Armor and Cadence to make the relationship more obvious, but I never put it in. Now though, I think I definitely will and add a bit more hints here and there, especially when Shining is present. As for Celestia outright lying, that'll be a tad more difficult, but I'll see what I can come up with. I'm currently adding a bit more thought from Twilight as you suggested and I've got another friend editting it as well (and she's a grammar guru) so hopefully that'll remove most of the mistakes. I'll definitely drop you a comment or note once it's completely and utterly done though and thanks again for all the comments and help, I really appreciate it.
852897
Okay, made some edits. All of them apart from one took place after Trixie followed Twilight. Like I said before though, my friend is still editting it so it'll probably take three days or so before that's done and it's in its top form. Just letting you know now in case you were interested.
I REALLY like it, but I just can't quite get a round of applause out. As others have said, the ending is missing as far as Twilight is concerned.
Great story, but missing something.
854891
I'm glad you enjoyed it and truth be told, I expected this reaction from people. I personally enjoy more open ended stories that have clues as to what happens in the future and this is my attempt at writing one of those fics.
852016
Twilight visited and remembered the number of people who died and were all engraved in the statues base, no hint of Twilights being among them. (some line like her finding it ironic how shes officially dead since the incident would be able to hint it
)
That and the suspect looking like Twilight should be enough to make Shining suspect something,since he was still her BBFFF in this universe he would find it suspicious.
854933
I just did a quick double check and the line I was thinking of was "And I don't blame them one bit. I deserve to be hunted down like an animal. It's better they believe I'm dead" in reference to Shining Armor and Cadence. When I'm more awake I'll see if I can make it more obvious by commenting on her name on the memorial or something as it isn't very obvious right now. Thanks for bringing that to me attention though and I'll definitely look into clearing that up.
OH COME ON! I hate cliff hangers......
I know you'll never make more and even if you did it would be in the distant future but I want it NOW!
852897
Okay, finally finished looking over it, that should be the final version (hopefully).
852897
Okay, finally finished looking over it, that should be the final version (hopefully).
874113
Ah, much better that time around. I still think you could have made your intentions more clear, but you gave much better hints this time, and maybe that's enough. Once again, brilliant job.
876291
Thanks! I didn't want it to be too blatant, but if not enough people get that link still, I'll add something in
I think I saw what you did between the lines, very sneaky and it took me a few comments (and seconds) to see what was in your mind.
Liked the concept of twilight and trixie, not often seen like that so congrats on that part. For grammar I have the same problem for my essays so i can't remark on anything.
923874
Thanks! I hope it wasn't too frustrating to get what was going on though, I was trying to be subtle, but not overly so.
846415 soo, is it going to stay a oneshot?
972193
Pretty much. I've got other, more interesting multichapter fics planned that I want to write and I had always planned this to be a oneshot
okay, guess that leaves it to my maginatio
okay, guess that leaves it to my imagination
Why didn't they just blame it on a changeling?
1006056
I doubt a changling has enough power to destroy a Canterlot block...
1009005 the queen defeated Celestia
1011123
With the power of LOVE! =coughs= Okay, I'll be honest, I didn't think of the Changling angle and when I first conceived of the idea, Changling's hadn't been around yet.
1015609 true
1015609
Um...small question.
Since there wont be another chapter, I cant help but wonder, since celestia hasnt determined a punishment.
...does that mean twilight stays in the everfree forever?
cur.glitter-graphics.net/pub/3144/3144014yei5mj8ukt.gif
1225452
Not really. I've made all sorts of subtle hints at what the future holds, but the main hint is this: Nightmare Moon's (eventual) return that year. So... yeah... definitely not forever
AW SHIT.
I only wish there was more.