Beef Stewart
All was white. Blindingly white. Unbelievably white. Annoying, too.
Discord sat up and rubbed along the left side of his body. All of him ached, but only for a moment. Then he felt no pain there at all.
“Greetings, friend!” a jovial voice announced. “Ready for the tour?”
Sluggishly, Discord opened his eyes, his pupils shrinking from the never-ending sea of blinding white all around him. He found himself spread out on a large, flat cloud.
Discord looked up and found a stallion with a perfect pair of puffy white wings, complete with a golden hoop hovering above his head. The stallion never stopped smiling down at him.
Irritably, Discord asked, “The tour of what?”
“Heaven, of course!” was the loud, happy reply from the stallion, before his face burned hot. “But I guess I should’ve told you the most important news first: umm, you’re dead, bud.”
Discord cocked a brow. “I’m dead?”
“Afraid so, chum. But look on the bright side! You’re in Heaven now! I’m Stewart, by the way. I’ll be your guide this morning. Follow me, if you’d be so kind.”
Stewart began marching across the cloud floor as it effortlessly extended with each hoofstep he took. Discord didn’t let him get very far, though, as he halted him with an arm.
“Clearly, there’s been some kind of mistake.” Discord sneered at him. “You may have heard of me before. Discord the draconequus? Lord and Spirit of all things Chaotic? Devourer of all happiness and cheese platters alike?”
Stewart nodded along as he spoke. “Oh, by golly, we’ve sure heard of you here, Mr. Discord! Which is why we were all so surprised to hear you were coming by this morning.”
Discord poked at his chest with a claw. “Hopefully this’ll get through that thick skull of yours: I… can’t… die! I’m immortal! So fire whoever needs to be fired around this giant eyesore of a place and get me back to Equestria! Comprende?”
Staring at his hooves, Stewart replied, “Again, awful sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but eventually everything comes to an end. Even you, I’m afraid.”
Discord was about to yell at Stewart again, but caught sight of the golden loop above his head. Turning around, he found his very own pair of fluffy white wings waiting for him. His shoulders slumped at the sight.
“But… but what about all the friends I left back in Equestria?”
“They will remain in Equestria, and surely mourn the loss of their good friend.”
“But some of them owe me money!” Discord spat back. “Give me like five more minutes with them. Alone.”
Stewart closed his eyes and sighed. “Okay, I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Ready for the tour now?”
Begrudgingly, Discord followed his tour guide along the lone cloud path, as it expanded outward and onward, revealing entire streets and buildings made completely out of cloud. Everywhere they walked, more and more white winged ponies appeared, waving and smiling at them both.
“How’s it going, buddy?”
“Hello, friend!”
“Nice to meet you, Discord guy! Stop by anytime! We’ll play shuffleboard!”
Discord slapped both hands over his ears to shut them out, looking down at Stewart. “Why do all the ponies in Heaven sound like they’re from the Frozen North?”
Steward shrugged. “I guess they’re just happier than most ponies. Eternal paradise will do that to someone. Along with never-ending free donuts and coffee.”
“I see.” Discord pulled on his beard as he pondered his next question. “Am I even supposed to be here? Like, okay, sure I’m dead. I get that now. But shouldn’t I perhaps be in that other place? That far warmer place down below?”
“Oh! That place!” Stewart chuckled at that. “You really think you deserve such harsh punishment for your past moral transgressions?”
“Well, I did attempt to take over the world. Like a whole bunch of times. I also backstabbed any pony I could; I constantly lied and even ridiculed those I called friends. Clogged Fluttershy’s toilet more than once. And Twilight’s. And Rarity’s. All in one day, too.”
Stewart wrapped a foreleg around him. “It’s because you sacrificed yourself, bud! That’s the only reason you’re here with us.”
“I did? When? I don’t remember doing that.”
“Wasn’t your side hurting you just a few moments ago?”
“A little, but—” Discord eyes bulged out as bits of memory flooded back inside his brain. He spoke as if stuck in a trance. “I remember… I was in Ponyville… I was in the market and I was running for the passing ice cream carriage… extra-large rocky road cone with real bits of rock and road… but I tripped on something and—”
“Was crushed underneath the ice cream carriage’s wheels, instantly turning you into jelly,” Stewart finished for him. “And by doing so, shielding a young filly from that very same fate. A filly by the name of Scootaloo.”
Discord grimaced. “So I accidently tripped and died, but ended up saving Scootaloo’s life by doing so? I didn’t even see her there.”
“Precisely.”
“Can I get a do-over, then? Make her take the hit instead? I’m sure she’d just love a pair of these cool wings you got.”
Again, Stewart closed his eyes and sighed. “I’ll just pretend this is all merely first day jitters. But to answer your first question, when you sacrificed yourself—”
“Accidentally!” Discord screamed.
“—accidentally or not, it meant that all your other misdeeds were quickly and neatly swept under the rug.”
“Must be one giant rug you got up here.”
At random, Discord began pacing around in circles, scratching at his chin.
“What’s that other thing you can do once you die? I know what it is, but I can’t seem to remember the name of it for the death of me.”
“Excuse me?” Stewart asked.
“You know, when you die and then come back in the body of a newborn.”
Stewart nodded. “You mean reincarnation. I don’t know if that’s right for—”
“Yes! That!” Discord pointed a sharp claw in Stewart’s direction. “Let’s give that a try! I’m not finished with Equestria yet! Not by a long shot!”
“Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer right now, Mr. Discord,” Stewart told him hesitantly, “but there’s actually a rather long waiting list for such complicated matters.”
“Whatever do you mean? Just put me back into the body of the next draconequus that’s going to be born in Equestria!”
Stewart bit on his lip. “I hate to be a little Harsh Harry here, but you were the last draconequus in Equestria. Ever.”
“I was?” Discord furrowed his brows. “How ‘bout an alicorn? I’m sure I could cause a whole lot of trouble as one of those!”
With a poof, a clipboard appeared in Stewart’s hoof. He scanned it. “There won’t be another alicorn born in Equestria for another three years. Parents Shining Armor and—”
Discord slapped Stewart’s clipboard to the ground. “Eww! Gross! I think I’ve heard quite enough of that. Having Shining Armor as a father is about as bad as… well, actually, that’s about as bad as it can get. Shining Armor’s like a major league sports team that’s never won a single game, but still shows up as if they might actually win this one.”
A slimy smile spread across Discord’s lips. “But if I was their child that would mean I’d get to suck on Cadence’s large—”
Stewart loudly cleared his throat. “Sorry to be a Stringent Steve here, but… could you please not finish that thought?”
“What? Suck on Cadence’s large fortune of bits? She is a Princess, after all. I’m sure she’s totally loaded.”
Picking his clipboard up again, Stewart read from it. “We do actually have an opening in the next forty-five minutes. For a cute, adorable baby dragon if you’re interested.”
“So come back to live in Equestria basically as Spike?” Discord asked him dryly. “I’m pretty sure if I came back as that, you’d see me back up here within the hour having jumped off a cliff.”
Stewart glared at him. “So no reincarnation, then.”
“I think I’ll pass.”
***
Discord’s new home was nearly identical to his neighbors’. It was rectangular, short, and made entirely of clouds, complete with cloud windows, doors, and a chimney that shot even more clouds out of it. It even had a WELCOME mat all ready to go.
“So what do you think, bud?” Stewart asked as they stood outside of it.
Discord hardly gave it a glance. “Seems a little small for someone of my grandeur.”
Stewart smiled up at him. It seemed that nothing could break that beaming smile of his. “That’s the great thing about building things with clouds. Don’t like the way something looks? Simply move it around until you do!”
He then went on to demonstrate using Discord’s short cloud fence, bending and warping them around as if sculpting with soft toffee. Discord gave it a try afterwards, creating something Stewart immediately had to destroy for being “far too phallic for the general public.”
“Again,” Stewart said, “sorry to be such a Demanding Doug here, but make sure not to build anything too close to any of your neighbors. And if you want to build anything over four feet off the ground, you’ll have to get it approved by the board of directors.”
Discord raised a bushy brow. “Nothing over four feet? But I’m six-foot-seven! What kind of privacy is that?”
Stewart extended a hoof toward the houses on either sides of Discord’s house. “But why would you ever want to shy away from such amazing neighbors, chum? Everyone’s friendly around here!”
A mare with wings outside the first house turned to both of them. “Hi, I’m Susan, and the only thing I like better than jogging in the morning is the fresh glass of orange juice I have before I jog!”
Following that random announcement, the stallion outside the second house then smiled at them. “And I’m Glen! And don’t you worry, Mr. Discord, you can borrow my rake anytime! So long as you return it once you’re done!”
Discord muttered under his breath, “I’m so stealing that guy’s rake.”
Introductions finished, Stewart looked up at Discord again. “Before I forget, how many friends would you say you made while you were alive? If you had to guess?”
“Oh. Umm. Maybe… twelve? And a half? Do imaginary friends count?”
Stewart clapped his hooves together and a roll of pink tickets popped into them. He began counting them out one by one. “Eleven… twelve… and I know I’m cheating, but here’s thirteen. Just don’t tell anyone, alright?”
He then hoofed them over to Discord, who only stared at them quizzically.
“Uhh… thanks?” Discord said. “What are these tickets for?”
“Drink tickets, of course!” Stewart replied gladly. “We take making friends quite seriously up here, so for each friend you made while you were alive, you get a drink ticket! Isn’t that great?”
As tempted as Discord had been to tear up the tickets handed to him only seconds ago, he went on clutch them against his chest like they were his own newborn kids. “Beef Stewart, that’s undeniably the best thing you’ve said all day! So where’s the nearest bar? I could positively drown in whiskey sours right about now.”
“Oh… no…” Stewart’s face flushed red again. “Here I am playing Bad News Barbara all over again, but… there’s no booze up in Heaven, Mr. Discord. Those drink tickets are only for the juice bar down the street. They serve ice water there, too. Or ice water with lime.”
Discord dropped his tickets to the ground and hitched in a breath. “No… booze? Anywhere?”
“But there are loads of other fun things to do around here!” Stewart went on surely. “Like birthday parties! Lots of birthday parties up here with so many deceased ponies! Ice cream socials, too! Board games and story time! Bake sales and recipe swaps! Choir groups and our brand new softer softball league! Finger painting and gardening every Wednesday! And don’t get me started on our intense crocheting club! Endless hours of mittens and…”
Stewart appeared stumped at what else to say.
“You know… more mittens. Scarves if the club’s feeling a bit wild, I guess.”
By the third item on Stewart’s list, Discord was in tears. By the end of it all, he was curled up into a tight ball on the ground, blubbering shamelessly.
“It’s alright, big guy,” Stewart said, softly rubbing Discord’s back. “Let it all out. That’s a good man-dude-bro. Tears of happiness are a common sight on most first days here.”
“I don’t want to be here anymore!” Discord wailed between sobs.
“Again, sorry to be a big ol’ Gloomy Gus, but once you’re here, you’re kinda stuck here. But I’m sure you’ll make lots and lots of friends in no time!”
Discord shot up off the ground when he heard that. “That’s it! There’s no need to suffer alone! Not if I can get my friends up here to suffer along with me!”
Stewart raised a hoof to ask a question, but was wholly ignored.
“Where’re the heavy rocks around this place? Any grand pianos I could borrow from somepony?” Discord marched to the edge of another cloud to gaze downward. He narrowed his eyes in search of something. “Fluttershy should start feeding her animals anytime now. I think if I angle my shot right, I could get her up here right before afternoon tea. Maybe kill that blasted bunny while I’m at it. His fluffy butt certainly won’t be getting up here!”
With his smile starting to crumble around the edges, Stewart roughly pulled Discord away from the edge of the cloud. Around his neck was an acoustic guitar. “How about a little song to help break the ice? We sing many a songs up here! Both country and folk! Here’s a happy one that I know!”
Then he began to sing:
“My name is Stewart Smith,
And I am here to say!
I’m gonna make you smile and I
Will brighten up your—”
And that was when Discord shoved his entire fist into Stewart’s mouth.
Discord warned him through gritted teeth, “You dare finish that song, and I’ll shove that whole guitar so far down your throat, you’ll be pooping out top forty hits the rest of the week.”
Stewart quickly put his guitar away. Once he had use of his mouth again, he said nonchalantly, “Well, looks like I’ve certainly learned a new chord today. The Dis-chord!”
Behind him, both Susan and Glen erupted with good-natured laughter.
“That’s our Stewart! What a card!”
“The Joker card, you mean!”
Stewart laughed along with them. “Thanks a bunch, friends! I’ll be here all week! Actually, that’s a lie. I’ll be here all eternity!”
That last attempt at a joke was enough for him. Just like that, Discord knew what he had to do. So without further ado, he snatched up Stewart’s acoustic guitar and swallowed it whole.
And choked on it until everything ceased to exist anymore.
***
“You okay there, bud?”
“Wh-what happened? I had the most horrible of dreams. I was dead and held captive inside an old folk’s home made of clouds.”
“Sorry to be a Crappy Chappie right about now, but… you still are. Dead, I mean.”
Discord’s eyes opened wide. He was still up in the world of clouds; right at the spot where he’d choked on the guitar.
“I’m still here?”
Stewart only smiled. Almost a sneer. “What did you expect? To go above Heaven? What kind of place do you think this is? A cloud hotel? Only one floor here, friend. Or perhaps basement is the better term.”
That last sentence gave Discord pause. He looked at Stewart and found him different. His once bright and graceful wings had been replaced by thin, black batwings. His teeth also looked much sharper than before. His eyes glowing red.
Discord absently chewed on his tongue. “I’m actually in that other place, aren’t I?”
Stewart chuckled to himself, before whirling around to all the other ponies surrounding them. “He caught us, guys! Joke’s over! Back to work with you lot!”
All at once, every white cloud that made up the city was replaced by scorched and cracked stone. Rivers of fire and lava pooled out in every direction. Steam and smoke filled the air. Along with the aroma of black licorice.
The two ponies that were meant to be Discord’s new neighbors had changed as well. Sharp teeth. Wild hair. Big black batwings.
Glen held tight to his rake. “You touch my rake, bro, and I’ll carve out your eyes!”
Stewart surprised Discord from behind, wrapping a hoof around his middle. “Sorry about the elaborate prank, bud, but when we heard that the great ‘Discord—Spirit of Chaos’ was coming on down, we knew we had to do something special. Ready to start your first official day of torment? Today you can either wait in a line that never moves or receive our very own special molten lava enema treatment.”
Discord perked up at the news. “Oh, both of those sound great! Put me down for one of each.”
Stewart wrote on his clipboard. “Splendid!”
Discord took a moment to take in his new home, sighing in relief as he did.
“Thank God I made it to Hell after all.”
Might get into trouble for this one. 
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You named the Devil Pony Stewart as a reference to a certain actor who played the foil to a certain other John DeLancie acted character didn't you, and said foil to said John character greeted said foil when he did die and go to heaven.
wuh
*after-reading edit* Haaaaaaaaa I knew it xD
*snerk*
Oh my goodness, you fucking did it you piece of shit.
This turned out very differently than when you pitched it to me. Though, I do enjoy seeing some of the jokes stick. Honestly, I really loved this one
Though it's missing the "roommate" from college bit.I think the humor in this one was a little more perverted, but overall fantastic. Especially loved the ending....
I know the general vaccinity of where you live, so I reckon you watch it buddy boy.
Say what you will about they place, they sure do know how to personalize.
*Cackles.* Best twist ever! I was hoping things weren't going to end up that way because... really that's more of hell for Discord than Heaven!
Just like that Twilight Zone episode. Another great Discord story!
Have you ever read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy books? Because Discord really reminds me of Zaphod Beeblebrox here.
All said and done, this is hilarious
No booze? Yeah, that's hell.
mourn
WELCOME mat all ready to go
both of those
I utterly love this story.
Ha! I knew it!
*Snickers* Nicely done. I especially like the neighbours.
(rubs hands together) Excellent!
media.giphy.com/media/8fen5LSZcHQ5O/giphy.gif
Lol, I'm dead! (I'm not sorry)
Haha, I suspected!
and of course, being hell, he never makes it to either one, because what is hell but a bereaucratic nightmare at the best of times?!
the real reason hell ever freezes over is because someone acidentally files the temperature adjustment forms where they actually belong, much to everyone's dismay.
Nice.
What-now painting?
I liked all the name-alliterations the best. Gloomy Gus. Bad News Barbara. Crappy Chappie.
Very amusing. If I were to quibble it would be over the improbability of Discord being taken out by an ice cream carriage, but to do so would be attribute to this story an unwarranted and downright insulting degree of sense.
That would be a story i'd read about Discord being reborn as Shinning's kid. Also great story
How many minutes till Discord becomes ruler of hell and decides to raid heaven and the world of the living? 13? or 666? One or the other.
Fantastic as usual, with a great twist at the end too. If the real heaven is actually like that, I'm off to drown some kitten, push an old lady into the street and treat my mum to Barry Manilow tickets.
The real twist: He really is in heaven, they just have to make it look like hell, and feel like, hell for him for it to be heaven for him. :P
7950681
#Inceptiom
#WhatIsReal?
This reminds me of that one Twilight Zone episode...
Well, if you dislike heaven, Dissy, you can always do something for you to be forcefully removed.
7950586 great profile pic. also... the last of these is not like the other.
That was acceptably funny. Good show.
7950681 ....that's a good point...
*mourn
Clearly he does, or he wouldn't have mentioned it.
That seems ... unfair, somehow.
*cough* Pretty sure she's also got some 'uuge tracts o' land.
... are these one use only?
Ah. So this really is hell. Custom designed to irritate the shit out of Discord for the rest of eternity.
And it's a lot harder to kill yourself by hurling off a one-story building.
Man, I hope so. :pinkiegrin:
If he prefers to be in Hell and enjoys it, would that be considered Heaven then? If he really did go to Hell then he'd have to spend eternity in Heaven and if really went to Heaven then he'd be in an eternal illusion of Hell and... I lost where I was going with this.
i.memecaptain.com/gend_images/KyOi2w.jpg
you failed to disappoint me again! adding another story to my favorites list, making me laugh pleasantly because this story was so fitting for the character and yet so dark if you think about it, i will have your head for such transgressions!
7949379
7951751
Yes! Exactly like that, except that Discord is actually relieved to be there!
Ah...Sebastian Cabot. I miss him!
This is a lil' jewel. The portrayal of his persona is simply top-notch.
I like the Tapestry reference with Stewart. I hope someday, Shining Armor dies and becomes Discord's neighbor. That would be just perfect.
I saw where it was going, but getting there was certainly a fun ride.
Well it would be hell for Discord if it stayed like heaven xD
Great story!
the whole no booze thing should've really tip him as a torture and the place sound as if was a day care mix in with a old folks home
"Wait in a line that never moves"...is Crowley the King of Hell down there?
7953187
Rules of the Multiverse man, anything is possible so in a variety of universes yes and in others no choose as you will.
7952455 just call it a paradox and leave it be
7952795 Glad to hear!
7952586 And here I haven't even seen that episode.
7950681 OH MAY GAWD!
7950374 Now that would make for a great story!
7950324 That would also make for a fantastic story.
7950179 Bad News Barbara sounds like a wrestler. Straight out of the trailer park.
7949643 You and everyone else, it seems.
It's not about the "twist" though. Just being as stupid as possible. 
7949553 A tie between Glen and his rake and Discord saying "Beef Stewart". It's rather easy to entertain me.
7949449 And here I thought you'd hate this one for some reason.
7949294 A lot of stuff didn't make the final cut. I was aiming for 2.5k, but still went over. I think my Discord comes in three forms: playful, nasty, and cruel. If the story's rated E, it's playful. If it's T, you get nasty. If it has a DARK or GORE tag, you're getting cruel.
Canada's a big place, bud. Just try finding the Tim Hortons I frequent!
7953858 Now, whyever would you think that? All the characters are perfectly intelligent, the twist is well-constructed, and you did a pretty good Discord.
7953858 Of course! It was fun
7953858 Yes but which is worse... eternity in Hell, or Canada?
7953832 archive-media.nyafuu.org/out/image/1464/92/1464924739914.jpg
This is silly and I liked it.
7954011 You just listed two of the same thing there.
7953858 I suspected it as I am very old and have also seen that Twilight Zone episode and countless variations on the theme.
Twists do not work on me unless they're utterly out of the blue, and therefore make no sense anyway. Like a story about happy birdies chirping in the trees for 2 hours and at the last minute suddenly a psycho with a chain saw drags out some teenagers and slices them to bits. A good twist MUST have some foreshadowing within the rest of the story, but keep it vague enough that most audience members won't even suspect it. And when it's revealed, then it must be structured such that it's internally plausible. That's the flaw with the twist in "Fight Club", we are meant to believe everyone would follow a guy who was constantly talking to himself and beating the crap out of himself... as well as getting into a position where any one of those watching could have entered into the fight the guy was having with himself and take him out, thus becoming the new leader... which is what would happen assuming anyone followed a guy with such clear psychosis in the first place. Thugs tend not to hang with obvious crazies. They have enough sense to realize a madman could easily go even further mad.
The twist in "The 6th Sense" however was perfectly executed. I DID guess it, but it didn't matter because everything fit together so nicely in the end. Surprise does little to interest me. A good structure to a story I will repeatedly enjoy means much more. This was structured well, especially since it's a comedy and so the absurdities fit the genre.
Of course, this only fits pre-season 6 Discord. He's now super-reformed and a Good Guy, thus he won't even go to hell for a little bit, like Vegeta did.
Hmm... maybe the ponies can wish Discord back with Spike's Dragon Balls.
I hear he collected all 7! What did you think I meant?