Perchance to Dream

by David Silver

28 - Business Affairs

In the human world, I was keeping things straight. I was putting all my affairs in order to be able to leave my house with confidence. The power and other utilities would be cut off until someone else needed them. The moving van was booked and would be ready to go on that fateful day. I was getting work done, and talking to Twilight sometimes, but, mostly, it was a waiting game.

"Linda, big news," it was my boss. "Paperwork just went through. You're clear to go. Anything else standing in the way?"

His tone told me that he was not ready to accept 'yes' as an answer, but that wouldn't be an issue. I smiled gently. "I've put everything in order. We have a move date planned and we'll be over there and ready to work."

"You're moving with Kevin? Huh, guess that works. You two getting along better now?" He suddenly waved it all away. "Nevermind that, none of my business. Great work on the Samson case. We should be able to close that before you even go." He turned to go. "I'll email you the address of the new branch, but that's for your eyes only, oh, Kevin will get one too."

I was alone, and got back to work. The email showed up and I quickly google mapped the address. It seemed a perfectly fine spot, and it didn't seem like getting from my new home to there would be too arduous for a daily trek, which was fantastic! I read somewhere that commuting is where the average American gets most of their stress in the average day. I wouldn't be one of those.

That night, I burst free of my statue to find Twilight smiling at me, with Applejack just beside her.

Applejack tipped her head. "Howdy. Don't mean to ambush ya just as yer wakin' up n' all, but ah hear ya want the full report on what it's like t' be a farmer."

I shook the rock flakes off of me. "Not exactly that. I wanted to learn about commerce in Equestria. Twilight suggest I learn about the source of goods, say your farm, the running of a retail outlet, and what it's like to be a worker."

Twilight quickly nodded. "That's a fair summary. I was just asking Applejack about it and you woke up."

What timing! "Well, I don't want to impose, but if you can, that'd be appreciated."

"T'ain't nothin'," assured Applejack, trotting past me towards the door. "Let's git on over to th' farm and ah'll show ya around and go over th' basics." She looked over her shoulders. "Ya look strong enough, fer a unicorn. One rule, no magic. Yer gonna be helping the earth pony way."

I hadn't realized I had signed up to help at all. With an awkward smile, I trotted after her. We came down from the castle, through the town of Ponyville, and onwards towards her farm. There were apples everywhere, and some other things.

"This here's the pig pen!" She gestured at it as we walked past it.

What did ponies need with pigs? I had to know. "So, pigs? What do you do with them?"

"With them?" She turned to face me. "Feed 'em, wash 'em. Take care of 'em, really."

I blinked softly. "Why?"

"Someone's gotta," she replied with a nod. "What else would they do?"

I looked back at the pigs, then back at Applejack. I was baffled. "Can they talk?"

Applejack looked like I had asked if the sun had big ears. "Say what now? No of course they can't talk none, 'less yer Fluttershy. She can talk ta critters just fine. Now, don't get me wrong. They're right smart, but they don't talk none."

"So... it's just an act of charity then? It doesn't help your farm make more money?"

"Mostly." Applejack nodded. "A tradition running back to the forming of Ponyville! We're big on tradition 'round these parts. Now let's get a move on. Already took care of 'em earlier, so we don't gotsa worry 'bout them right now." She turned away from the pigs and got to trotting and I fell in behind her. "Now our main crop, as you may'a guessed, is apples." She waved a hoof around at all the apple trees that surrounded us in nearly every direction. "Here, try one." She lashed out a hind hoof and seemed to just tap a tree.

A single apple feel free and with a whip of her hat, Applejack caught it easily, then slung it towards me. I caught it with my magic and pulled it in close. It smelled like the very definition of apple. It had a bit of sourness around it, just a little tang. I sank my teeth in with a loud crunch and relaxed a little as delicious apple flavor filled my mouth. It was just right. Not too sweet, not too sour.

Applejack smiled at my reaction. "Good, ain't it? Hadda feelin' ya were a sweet n' sour type."

I took another bite before asking, "You have different kinds of apples?"

"Sure do." She bobbed her head. "These sweet and sours are no good for cider, f'instance. We have different orchards for different kinds of apples. Some are really good fer pies, f'instance."

I looked around curiously in the wonderland of apples. "How many ponies do you have working these fields?"

Applejack lifted her shoulders, an act a real horse could not accomplish. "Most of th' time, it's just me n' Big Mac, though Granny helps where she can, and Apple Bloom is gettin' better at it. She's still a youngin', 'course, but she's bein' responsible."

So many trees! "You can handle this with two ponies?!"

"Well, if it's a really good year, we call the family fer help. The Apple Family's mighty big." She wagged her brows at me. "We're a traditional earth pony family, so we tend to be fruitful." She waved at the closest tree. "Get it?"

I did get it, and colored faintly at the images the joke conjured. "Big Mac's your..."

"Brotha. Apple Bloom is mah sister. Granny's, well, she's Granny. It's right in th' name."

For a moment I thought Big Mac and Applejack were married, and Apple Bloom could have been their daughter. "Where are--" Even as I asked it, I realized I was walking right onto a minefield. "I mean, where do you make that cider you mentioned?"

Applejack brightened right up. "We keep th' supplies tucked away fer cider season, make it up nice n' fresh for everypony. It's one of our busiest times ah th' year and where we make a lot of our bits." She led the way towards a barn and headed right on inside.

There I encountered another surprising thing. Cows. It got worse when one of them smiled at them quite plainly. "Well helloooo there," she said, drawing out the 'oo' at me.

Applejack tipped her head. "Howdy, Mooriella."

Mooriella was looking at me specifically, her eyes moving up to my horn and fixating there. "Mornin'. Did you bring him to help us?"

Applejack blinked. "Huh, didn't think a' that, but that ain't a bad idea. How'd you like to help milk the cows?"

Oh the expression I must have had. I was going to milk a cow intelligent enough to talk?! "Is... that proper?"

Mooriella leaned over the side of her stall. "Proper? I'm ready t' burst, dear. The bucket's right over there. I hear unicorns can do it gently."

The other cows were taking notice and gossiping among themselves. It seemed they all wanted to try being milked by a unicorn.

Applejack grabbed the bucket and held it out towards me. "Well, sounds like they're set on it. Ya can use yer horn, jus' no magic magic, ya get?"

I gave a stiff nod as I picked up the bucket with a thought, hovering it in the air. "I'll do my... best." I did not plan to do that. I had no intention of milking anything that could ask me to, or not to. And yet, there I was. Applejack opened the stall and Mooriella walked out peacefully.

"Be gentle," she reminded, tail flicking.

That phrasing! There was nothing about the entire situation that didn't make my blush all the worse. It wasn't as if I didn't know where milk came from. I took a little breath and tried to calm down. So it was a talking cow, so what? She wanted to be milked, and I could do the milking. I knew how it worked, in theory. I just had to stop being a baby about it and get it done.

I slid the pail into position and sat beside Mooriella and the bucket. I imagined grabbing her teats and giving a gentle squeeze and pull, like I'd seen on television enough times. She gave a sharp moo! in reply and my mental hands yanked away. "No, sorry, you just surprised me," she assured. "That feels very different from when Applejack or Big Mac does it."

Applejack looked like she was holding in laughter. "Don't be scared none. If they ain't happy, they'll say so, jus' listen."

Right, talking cows, they would say something... I reached for her with my magic and gave another little pull at just one that time, and some milk squirted out. I had done it! I pulled at the one beside it, then the third and the fourth and soon got a little pattern going that was filling the pail steadily.

Mooriella had a happy look on her face and her eyes were closed as she swayed faintly in time to the milking. She was clearly having a good time. I wondered just how good it was for her, but I wasn't going to ask. I focused on getting the job done and kept right on going until the flow of milk slowed.

"All done," declared Mooriella before I could. "Thank you, dearie. You're good at this."

Applejack grabbed the pail's handle in her mouth and pulled it away. "Go on back inside." Mooriella walked back in and the door was closed before Applejack moved to dump the bucket into a large bin where I could here it splashing against other milk perhaps? "We'll sell this later t'day down at th' market." She pointed to the next cow in line. "Git to it."

The initial shock of milking a talking cow had worn its course, and I got to the next one without issue, and the one after that. As I produced pail after pail of milk, I asked, "So, these make more sense. You help the cows in trade for their milk, right?"

"Somethin' like that." Applejack nodded. "Seems a fair trade t' me, and we've been doin' it fer ages. It works for us Apples, it works for the cows."

With all the cows handled, we were able to mercifully proceed. She showed me the cider making equipment, the apple bins, and she kept me busy. As many facts and figures as I could get, she made me pay by bucking trees (I had no hope of doing it as well as she did) and pulling carts (that seemed so much lighter when she was doing it) and generally slaving the day away on the farm.

By the time the sun grew heavy and Applejack called it quitting time, my body was on fire with the aches of a day's efforts in a body not nearly accustomed to such extended labor.

I was ready to limp my way home to Twilight, but that wasn't happening.

"Ya plumb crazy. Ain't no one puttin' in a full day ah work and not gettin' somethin' for it. It's time t' enjoy Granny's homemade cookin' and ah swear ya won't be sorry fer it." She swatted me on the back and led me along.

So I had food. It was good food. My god! Why was all the food in Equestria so darn good? I made sure to thank Grandma Smith and say hello to Big Mac and Apple Bloom, and it was a pleasant dinner all and all.

A day well spent.

Author's Note:

A day down at the farm! And True learns that the cows seem quite happy to have a unicorn around. That's... good, right?

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Comments

[Emtu]

that faithful day

I'm guessing you meant "fateful".

Edit: For reference: http://www.beedictionary.com/common-errors/faithful_vs_fateful

[David Silver]

7919523 Fix'd!

[Alzrius]

I rolled my eyes more than once in this chapter, but I was grinning while I did.

There was a fundamental disconnect right from the outset between what True wanted to learn, and what Applejack was looking to teach, in that the former wanted to know about the specifics of running a business enterprise while the latter wanted to demonstrate her lifestyle. There were apparently a few areas where their interests overlapped, but for the most part I suspect that True came away with very little of the knowledge he was looking for. It might have been an enjoyable day, but I somehow found myself doubting that he learned anything about how to make money in Equestria. Why, Twilight, have you not told True to go talk to Filthy Rich? I can see Applejack not thinking to mention that, but Twilight has no excuse.

Applejack was also kind of unfair in disallowing True to use any magic (besides telekinesis, apparently). I can understand why she did it; some combination of "this way you'll understand it better" and "our way is better," but the former isn't why True is really there, and the latter is just an opinion. There's no reason for a pony not to use all of their natural abilities when going about a task, and it was a bit disappointing to see AJ not realize that, even if it was in-character for her. But then, as I noted before, she misunderstood what True was looking for from the get-go.

The bit with the pigs was interesting, because the fic was quite obviously grappling with an area where the show's suspension of disbelief reached its breaking point. With the possible exception of being an efficient waste-disposal system, there's really no need for ponies to keep pigs, since they don't eat meat. In fact, the idea of pigs being kept in pens is itself a fairly modern one, and makes even less sense for a race of vegetarians; in medieval times, pigs were allowed to roam semi-wild in local forests and were slaughtered as needed by villagers. Obviously, that's no good for the Everfree Forest, but White Tail Woods is also nearby. It would really make more sense for the pigs to roam freely there, and I suspect that Fluttershy would be happier with such an arrangement.

The cows are a different story altogether, since there's a clear symbiotic relationship there, in terms of room and board in exchange for milk. That said, I really enjoyed the parts about True's nervousness about milking talking animals - all the more so since True is "really" a human woman - and the quasi-sexual underpinnings therein. I doubt that the cows think of it as being that much different from getting a massage, but at the same time one has to wonder just how different talking cows really are from talking ponies. One can imagine that getting a little too "friendly" with the livestock isn't considered an act of extreme deviance the way it is here, but rather would be, at worst, an indiscretion...or maybe even not as bad as that. It's hard to say, since despite what Equestria puts forward about being a supremely-tolerant society, we haven't seen even a single cross-species romance in the show; in fact, even romances between different tribes of ponies seem to be exceptionally rare. So getting a little too frisky with the cows might still be somewhat taboo (I can only imagine Granny Smith telling embarrassing stories about Big Mac in this regard)...even though there aren't any bulls around that we've ever seen (e.g. Big Mac does all the plowing, double-entendre intended), so I imagine the cows themselves have little restraint about looking for some action when it suits them. They don't seem to get off the farm much anyway, that we've seen.

Certainly, that would make the title of this chapter much more of an in-joke if that were the case. (Plus some good ones about the cows doing some milking of their own.)

Ah well. Hopefully Rarity will be more helpful.

[David Silver]

7919610 You said it perfectly, it was in character for Applejack, as unhelpful as that was at times. Still, there were things learned, friends made, and food eaten, and muscles strained.

The joke's on AJ. True had no magic to not use. Grabbing a thing is about the extent of his magical prowess, bow excluded.

[Booster Spice]

Poor pigs, all the slops and seconds they can ever possibly get to eat, protection from the nightmare predators of the Everfree, and no worries about being made sausages. Still, depends on just how intelligent they are, if they have ever spoken or not, in how related to Griffon livestock they are.

About the only other thing, apart from fertiliser, you can get off a live pig, is shaved for bristles?

The Cakes must be the biggest purchaser from the cows, for all the baking products and feeding babies? Fortunately the train can now ship milk churns to Canterlot etc with a simple chill spell, and then theres butter and cheese.

[tsaukpaetra]

Oh Applejack, you missed the point entirely!
Still, it wasn't a complete waste, and hey, an entire working day!
Wait, does that mean she slept in?!?!?!
Keep going! ;)

[terrycloth]

They keep the pigs so that when the griffon raiders come by, they have something to take for food besides ponies?

Not many griffon raiders nowadays, but it's tradition.

[Daremo]

that faithful day - that fateful day - ninja'd by m2pt5

until milk slowed - until her milk slowed -or- until the flow of milk slowed

My god, why was all the food in Equestria so darn good! - My god! Why was all the food in Equestria so darn good? -or- My god, why was all the food in Equestria so darn good?!

---

A fun little chapter today.

[David Silver]

7920523 I had fun writing it! A fun little chapter is a good way to describe it.

[Autumn Maize]

There I encountered another surprising thing. Cows. It got worse when one of them smiled at them quite plainly. "Well helloooo there," she said, drawing out the 'oo' at me.

Does making that “us”, and possibly dropping the “at me” from the end, sound right?

I made sure to thank Grandma Smith and say hello to Big Mac and Apple Bloom, and it was a pleasant dinner all and all.

...In character mistake, despite being a commonly known apple type, or a sneaky typo?

[David Silver]

8213723
Fixed!

[redmar]

Concerning the pigs I've read on TvTropes that they might be used to find certain mushrooms which is certainly a plausible reason to keep pigs. When it comes to cows it could be much worse in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy there are talking cows that want to be eaten.

[David Silver]

8508114
These cows also like being eaten, but only a little. Be gentle.

[DerpTape]

8508131