• Member Since 4th Mar, 2016
  • offline last seen Aug 30th, 2020

BronyBurningAxe


Hello, I'm Burning Axe. One of my passions is to write. I wouldn't say I'm any good at it, but I try my best, and I feel I have some good story's to tell.

T
Source

A nameless stallion was found injured just outside the Golden Oak Library. Twilight Sparkle stumbled across the stallion and took him inside to heal.

Many days passed as the stallion was laid to rest in the purple unicorns bed, after a bout of amnesia he tries to remember who he is... His memory slowly but surely returns to him during his stay at the Library.

But little do each of them know, they are falling for each other day by day, neither of them realise it, but their friends begin to notice.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 53 )

Awesome chapter bro can't wait to see more

Comment posted by BronyBurningAxe deleted Dec 31st, 2016

7831655 Thanks man! I'm glad you liked it! /)

7832453 Also I was the first comment and reader :D

Hey BurningAxe! I have some tips for you when it comes to writing fanfics! :D
<----------------------------------------------------- Ship This XD (Look at my profile pic)
This is "The Lightning Brony", if you haven't figured that out already XD

7833386 You mean ship me with RD? or you with RD? or... that thing RD is liking...with RD? XD

7833396 Look at the text written on the heart RD is holding in her mouth.

7833386 I can't tell what it says, too small :/

7833402 Hmm.... Let me think. I always make references and jokes to TwiDash on your YouTube videos.. What could be written on the heart in RD's mouth?.... Oh, I got it! It probably says Starlight Glimmer on it! XD (It says Twilight! XD)

7833407 I may do a shipfic on it one day... but for now she is all MINE! MINE I TELL YOU!!! She is my Twifu :3

7833409 Twifu? :facehoof: Seriously? :ajbemused:
Anyway, do you ship any other ships than BurningSparkle? (Btw, that isn't really the best name for a ship. It's already 'Burning' down XD)

7833413 Twifu isn't the ship :p It's a combination between "Twilight" and "Waifu" :p

Also yes i have plenty of ships that I ship.

7833425 I know Twifu was a combination of Twilight and Wafiu. :scootangel: I was face-hoofing over how ridiculous it sounds to call your waifu that :rainbowwild: I wasn't talking about the ship :scootangel:

Btw, :rainbowkiss::heart::twilightsmile: Is still best ship XD (Ha! You don't have an emoji for Burning Axe! XD)

7833451 That is your opinion sir! I have nothing against TwiDash, I just prefer Burning Sparkle because I flumping love Twilight Sparkle! <3

This seems interesting.
Boris, huh? I wonder if when Twilight losses her memories, Burning Axe will call her "Natasha"? LOL! :rainbowlaugh: That's a reference to The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, if you didn't know.

Anyway, great job! :twilightsmile:

7833464 I didn't know that, but both names are very Russian XD

7833454 But the laws of internet shipping state that you need to disrespect all ships that you don't ship yourself! :unsuresweetie:

7833477
It's funny you should say that, because Boris and Natasha from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show are actually Russian.
Here's an example of those 2. https://youtu.be/Mi03bifJFTo?t=49s

7833487 I will never disrespect anyone, it is against my code unless they piss me off XD

7833537 You just disrespected the laws of internet shipping... You just earned my respect XD :pinkiehappy: :rainbowlaugh: :raritywink: :twilightsmile: :ajsmug: :yay:

7833565 Backs away (I ain't no babe bro. I'm a bro, bro! Do you even gender bro?! XD)

7833572 I was just joking you banana! (No I don;t think you are a banana XD)

7833579 You better believe I ain't a banana! I'm a taco! xD

7833587 Well I'm gonna watch my movie now so I better Taco to you later XD

7833590 That pun was horrible.... I LOVE IT! :rainbowlaugh: (Bye! :pinkiehappy:)

I greatly respect you for writing and posting this Nathan, it actually looks like you put a lot of effort into it (or at least, significantly more than the average writer of this genre).
However... I can't say I'm a fan. its easy to read and there are no obvious spelling/grammatical errors. I just personally am not a fan of stories that tell and not show. The quickest example: you describe the "nameless stallion/Boris" :raritywink: as being wounded. But you don't say what the wounds looks like. Were they deep slashes that bled all over the ground? Or were they broken bones that poked against the outer layers of skin, threatening to burst through? Simply really nasty bruising that made his entire body look like a mosaic of black and blue?
Even in a more... lets go with stylized- story, such descriptions make for more compelling reading. Screwing around on here, I recently came across this: https://www.fimfiction.net/writing-guide. I dunno if you've read it, but I would suggest reading it. It really helped me in my own story. :scootangel:

7833716 That would have made my story MUCH better, I just never thought to do that for some reason. Oh well, this was chapter 1, maybe I can add that in during Chapter 2, I already have a few ideas for that now. And yes I did look at the guide.

Also bare in mind this is my first story, I never write in this style, the only thing i have ever written are "Scripts" for series' I make. And they only ever have dialogue for characters and the inflection I need from the voice actors mainly. I'll get better as time goes on, but for now I am proud of this and know it has flaws, but nobody is perfect.

Thanks for reading. /)

7833742 I thought it felt a bit script like. I just assumed it was on purpose- there are plenty of stories like that. I'll definitely stick around for at least chapter two though. Tracking!

here is what i think, the dialogue and sentences seems choppy, the story also feels rushed so it doesn't "flow" very well. Also, the colors kind of off put me, but thats just me. Otherwise nice first try, i can see how hard you worked on this:twilightsmile:

7833808 I'll improve in time, I never used to be any good at YouTube, but after 8 years of making videos, you earn experience! And I will with this as well. Always moving forward to better myself in many ways! /)

7833826 i don't doubt it!:pinkiehappy: (\

7832453
Combining all of its meanings, "Boris" could be: "A little fighter of wolves".
If the cuts were made by wood, then he was in a fight with some timberwolves and win (barely).

7835551 That's actually really cool, and somehow fits the story well :D

7833742
Chapter 2 would be an excelent time to bring it up the nature and quantity of his wounds, since he does not remember the event that caused them, he and Twilight could come up with some theories (later when he feels better enough to walk on three legs, they could backtrack to the point of origin).

Given the details about the second bed (and the reasons Twilight had to buy one previous to this story), this take place sometime before S1E08 [when such spare bed was already in place in the Treehouse Library].

This helps to give some slack to Spike, since he was VERY child-like in the opener and through the first half of season 1 (plus incompetent to manage Fluttershy´s pet in the previous episode).
Giving any other clues about past events [like somepony other than Twilight mentioning a griffon or ursa as a posible agressor] will give us some precision about the point in the timeline.

7835576 Yeah I have set it around the time of ticket Master, just before it actually. I will add your suggestion to the story next chapter, I'll have Twilight maybe recognise the types of cuts and scratches that he has, and explain why Boris is a suitable name for him.

7835583
If it is set BEFORE S1E03:
Make Twilight/Spìke clean TO THE EXTREME only the upper bedroom (were the stallion is being treated); after Fluttershy´s casual mention about how dusty all the books are and the general chaos left by Pinkie Pie´s "Welcome to Ponyville" party at the library (she has being already in there in this story, so she may think it is not the best place to house someone injured given her experience caring animals like that mouse in a wheelchair).
This way in the "next episode" the "summer cleaning" of Fluttershy will have a reason to piss off Twilight; (as she will be oblivious to the actual care on hygiene/sterilization done upstairs).

7837781 Yes it is set right after Nightmare Moons defeat, i had planned to go through the episodes in order, maybe not all of them, but the highlighted one for sure. And Ticket Master was indeed going to be next on my list :)

Is this made by McDonald's? Cause I'm Lovin it!... to cheesy?

7849486 Ahaha! XD No not cheesy at all, I'm lovin' your comment XD

I genuinely enjoyed this first chapter and it makes me want more, which I honestly did not expect at first. This sounds like the start of something very interesting.
Additionally the ending is glorious... ah Twilight, you are so adorable.

[...]"I don't know Spike, maybe your right, but I just can't help but feel I need to be here." Twilight continues her worry[...]

This "your" exasperated me a lot more than it should have. xD (Chapter 1, part 3, Line 9)
Overall it seems like you put much effort into this first chapter, especially in the formatting part, which made the reading very effortless.
I will definitely track this fanfiction and eagerly wait for what is yet to come.

7850579 Wow, thank you so much! I'm sop glad you enjoyed it man :D I didn't notice that "your" I guess I missed that when I triple checked my grammar, to be fair I do have Dyslexia which doesn't help my reading much. But I will be extra careful for future chapters.

I will be writing more very soon, I'm excited to see where this journey takes mes, I have some pretty great ideas :D

I look forward to your future comments. Peace! ^-^

Hello! I've been watching your channel for a while, without commenting because I don't have a YouTube or Google+ account, nor do I plan to create one, and was engrossed in the fact you are writing your first fanfiction, so I decided I will read your fanfiction -- shipfiction, in this case -- and suggest and indicate corrections to be implemented into this first chapter. It looks like my list of corrections will have to be split into several parts, posted over the course of multiple days, because it is appearant to me, while perusing the first chapter, you're more familiar with scriptwriting than writing and don't understand completely how commas work, of which the latter is odd to me and I would like an explanation for why this is so -- if you can provide such --, so expect walls of text, for I don't believe saying, "This character is OOC (out-of-character)," is detailed enough to suffice as a suggestion leading to improvements in writing, and a crash course on commas, after I have corrected the first chapter. Despite the errors' almost overwhelming presence, I feel you are naturally an above average writer, not amazing or fantastic, but maybe good like gold in comparison to platinum, of which gold is the least rarest and platinum is the most rarest; basically, you're on the border of pretty good. Well, I will be trying to suggest and indicate corrections to be implemented in the little free time I have. I have school and my self-education and initiation of my writing "career" on this website to do, after all.
To give a compliment, you are a pretty great reactor, and I look forward to your reactions to the mostly wonderful fan works this fandom created, once you have caught up with the show.
See you later! :raritywink:

P.S. I have a feeling some of my words are words, whose meanings you don't know. It's just a hunch, along with other hunches, so please don't get offended. If I'm wrong, I will promptly delete this postscript. If you don't know a word's definition, go to Goggle and type into the search bar, define [whatever word, whose definition you are looking for]. The definition should appear and be in sight, once the page loads.

7854398 Hello! I'm glad you like my videos, and I hope to one day impress you with my writing, that will no doubt be near impossible given your message, but I will get better the more I write.

"you're more familiar with scriptwriting than writing and don't understand completely how commas work, of which the latter is odd to me and I would like an explanation for why this is so" I don't really have an explanation, I thought I did use them right, nobody else has corrected me on them so far, you're the only one. I'm not by any means suggesting you are wrong however, but the majority of people have yet to agree with you on the placement of my commas. I simply use them where there needs to be a pause in a sentence, either for breath intake, or for any kind of dramatic pause, etc. I have it envisioned in my head of how these words are spoken by the characters, and when there is a pause in dialogue, I place a comma.

On the subject of script writing, I have only ever done that, however, this story was not written anything at all like a script. I actually used a similar style to a fanfic I read on another site, I love it's style and have decided to use that as it feels more comfortable for me to use. I have no knowledge of writing styles, other than what I have seen with that one, I don't read a lot, the only thing I really ever read are comments, why is this you ask? I am Dyslexic, if you aren't sure what that is google it. I have had learning difficulties all my life, trouble taking in information and actually learning things, a good reason my punctuation may be off, is that I failed all my classes essentially, getting a "D" grade in my GCSE exams. I still made it into college, but that is due to things working differently over here in the UK. My learning of things has come purely from experience over the years, I never learned much in school as I could not focus on the actually work for many reasons including constant bullying, I won't go into any more details on that.

As a 23 year old my English may not be as good as say, a 14 year old like yourself, but I can assure you that anything I do with my writing right now has come from years of learning very slowly, and being told how to use certain things and where to use them.

Finally I'd like to end this message off with, if there are any mistakes in my writing, I can safely say that I am not "perfect" Nobody is, there was even at least one mistake in your message, so don't get on your high horse just yet my dear man. Also if you are receiving my tone in this message as being offended, you are wrong, I am not in the slightest offended at all, I am merely being firm with my reply so that I can get the message across clearly.

Have a good day!

7856957

. . . I thought I did use them right, nobody else has corrected me on them so far, you're the only one. I'm not by any means suggesting you are wrong however, but the majority of people have yet to agree with you on the placement of my commas.

I am referring to sentences -- such as the first sentence of the first chapter,

Our story begins in Ponyville, everywhere was quiet and the town was peaceful and tranquil.

-- , wherein a comma(s) is used to join sentences, which is improper usage, because commas don't join two or more sentences together, which is the job of a semicolon (;). Regarding those who didn't point this out, I can't imagine the reason behind the readers' negligence in correcting an obvious mistake. So, I'm now a bit worried about the feedback other authors are receiving.

I simply use them where there needs to be a pause in a sentence, either for breath intake, or for any kind of dramatic pause, etc. I have it envisioned in my head of how these words are spoken by the characters, and when there is a pause in dialogue, I place a comma.

Wow, that's the same thing I do when it comes to dialogue. Neato. (I haven't been able to get very far in correcting the first chapter, hence my surprise, because of school related reasons. Maybe, in two days or the weekends, I'll have posted a large portion of the suggested and implored corrections I have and will find.)

. . . I don't read a lot, the only thing I really ever read are comments, why is this you ask? I am Dyslexic, if you aren't sure what that is google it. I have had learning difficulties all my life, trouble taking in information and actually learning things, a good reason my punctuation may be off, is that I failed all my classes essentially, getting a "D" grade in my GCSE exams. I still made it into college, but that is due to things working differently over here in the UK. My learning of things has come purely from experience over the years, I never learned much in school as I could not focus on the actually work for many reasons including constant bullying, I won't go into any more details on that.

Oh my. I had an inking of some sense you had a learning disability. which I hoped wasn't true. This is one of those times I wish my intuition is wrong. I'm a little sorrowful about the fact you had dyslexia and you had to endure the suffering that comes with it.
I don't want to discuss this matter further.

. . . if there are any mistakes in my writing, I can safely say that I am not "perfect" Nobody is, there was even at least one mistake in your message, so don't get on your high horse just yet my dear man.

Of course, no one is perfect. One of the principles I live by in writing and editing is

To write is human, to edit divine.
~Stephen King

. I don't expect people, including myself and you, to be the most grammatically correct, nor do I judge the quality of a piece of writing by its grammar. (The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner and House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski are examples of novels that break purposefully the rules of grammar, to establish the atmosphere, and yet many, including myself, love them for it) As long as the grammar mistakes don't stick out like a sore thumb or, in only the case for fiction, are excused by the context, the mistakes shouldn't affect people's judgement of a story. An example of an author making a mistake in his writing that ruined the story (fortunately, it was in the first draft and not in the final draft set for publishing) is told by this anecdote by Stephen King:

One day while reading a piece of a manuscript in the teachers' room, [Mac, Stephen King's friend] burst out laughing--laughed so hard, in fact, the tears went rolling down his bearded cheeks. Because the story in question, 'Salem's Lot, had not been intended as a laff riot, I asked him what he had found. I had written a line that went something like this: Although deer season doesn't start until October in Maine, the fields of October are often alive with gunshots; the locals are shooting as many peasants as they think their families will eat.

The misspelling of "pheasants" as "peasants" ruined the story's mood and turned it into something comedic. So, I don't worry much about mistakes, unless they ruin the writings' meaning. Also, across states and countries there's different rules of grammar like how there's dialects, a trap editors must avoid.

Anyway, glad you replied to my long comment. Not sure when I'll be able to provide all possible corrections. So. Have a nice day as well. See you in the next couple of days. I won't be able to reply to you during this time, if you do reply to me. I have plenty of work to do, i.e. homework, writing, editing, translating, reading, and studying. I'm a bit of a workaholic. :twilightsheepish:

P.S. I forgot to mention I am no longer fourteen right now. It's been a half of a year since I've used this account.

"Hmm... Spike, you go over to Quills and Sofas and have them deliver us a new bed!" Twilight was planning to get a spare bed anyway, in case of any sleep overs she may have in the future.

OBJECTION! :yay:
Twilight already has a spare bed that she uses for sleepovers! (Applejack and Rarity used it in "Look Before You Sleep").

"... I... I don't know, I don't remember. I think it begins with a B, but I'm not certain." Still nameless the stallion tried as hard as he could to remember, but sadly no name came to his mind.

Hmmm... A name that starts with a "B"....... "Bro Knee"? xD

This was actually a pretty good start. There were a few parts where it felt a bit rushed, but overall, it was a pretty good start.
-The Lightning Brony

7856957 Hello again! I am so, so sorry for my weeks of no response. I wasn't able to get far with my suggestions and corrections with the free time I have, so I've decided to point out generally two major problems. (I've already pointed out the improper usuge of commas in which you connected two sentences with it, which is allowable for short sentences that are similar to each other, like, "They wait, they stand.")

Problem #1: Redundancy
Stating the same idea twice or more comes off as annoying like a buzzing fly; although, it works well in first-person when the narrating main character is panicked and scared.
Example:

. . . everywhere was quiet and the town was calm and tranquil.

This sentence is redundant in its statement of Ponyville being tranquil. The words "quiet" and "calm" can be summed up as the word "tranquil", so you could either say, ". . . everywhere was tranquil," or, ". . . the town was tranquil," avoiding referring to Ponyville and saying it is tranquil twice.

Problem #2: Italicizing a word before an exclamation mark (!)
When people imagine how a sentence with an exclamation mark is said, it is always with a stress on the last couple of words. This isn't necessarily redundancy, but it is something similar: Overstating.
Example:

"Spike! Get help, quickly!"

The preliminary context of the severity Boris's injuries suggest enough of the tone of the character's future actions and dialogue to not make "quickly" necessarily italicized. "Spike" doesn't need to be ilicized either because when someone shouts another's name or one word, the word is always stressed, following the rule exclamations are always stressed in the last couple of words.

Those are the big problems that stick out. There are other problems, such as the absence of commas connecting sufficiently long phrases to sentences, lack of details written, and Twilight (and others) being referred to as "purple unicorn" rather than her name, which is jokingly and also contemptuously called, in the brony writing community, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, in which a character is referred to by their appearence and other details that aren't related to the rest of the sentence. It would be like saying "black, smoke-like, pro-slavery tyrant" every time King Sombra is referred to. In regards to characterization, it is fine, but feels like season 1. Depending on opinion, I suppose people would enjoy the nostalgia of season 1's corniness; on the other hand, you'll have people crying, "Bad characterization! Bad writing! Too melodramatic! Clichéd! I dislike this!" I myself am fine with it, and I ask you to tread cautiously concerning the characterization.

Those are my sayings on this chapter's problems. I wasn't able to specify its problems like I wanted to, but hopefully this helped. See you later. :raritywink:

7937479 This is actually set before Ticket Master, it's just after the Premiere of Season 1. Hence not having the spare bed just yet.

I'm glad you like it so far :)

7941725 The reason I have made these "Mistakes" is down to 2 fanfics that I have read in the past. One by a friend of mine who's technique of changing the ways of describing a character such as "The purple unicorn said", "The purple mare said" Or "Twilight said" That sort of thing. He uses that in his fanfics and I had no problem reading them as they were I thought they were great and the idea of not using the exact same thing "Twilight said" over and over again reduces the repetitiveness, so I don't see it as a "problem" Maybe for those who don't like that particular type of writing, but some people don't mind it and actually like it. I could do what you say, but then I'd be pleasing you and maybe a few others, but I wouldn't be able to please everybody.

The reasons behind behind using italic wrong, I have no reason for that, I guess I just don't know how to do it. I have stated many times that I am a noob at this stuff, I am writing because I enjoy it, I have learning difficulties, it's possible i have been told how to use the italic before but just simply forgot due to learning problems which I have, my brain cannot take in very much information at once, I had to re-read your recent message a few times for the words to sync in. So forgive me for being a moron, I was simply born that way.

As for commas, I don't see them as an issue personally, in my own opinion a comma is placed when the writer needs to put one, I have put commas in what you believed to be "Wrong" places, but I am putting them where I envision them to go. I am the one writing this story, I know when my characters need to take a breath, I have the way it is meant to be said in my head as I write, the commas are not "wrong" They are right from my view point, and being as I am the writer this is how i intended them to be put.

Anything else you need to say?

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