The Finale
As I dash madly through the streets of Ponyville at two in the morning, with Snips and Snails trailing twenty meters behind, I reflect on tonight's events and conclude they have taken a decidedly disappointing turn.
A few hours ago it looked like a fantastic evening. I was about to have a ménage à cinq with three gorgeous fillies and a rather dashing dragon. Everything before that was fun too. I'd spent a few hours playing drinking games and chatting with the best of friends, and a few hours before that drinking and dancing.
Then everything went to pot. My bourbon was stolen, the ex-Crusaders rightly decided that I am a tosser, I've had to run across town searching for empty bottles of bourbon, and now I'm running to the torched Legal Advice and Marital Aids store, trying to stop a pack of rabid arseholes led by Shady Daze from framing Snips and Snails for arson.
I'm a tad miffed with Snips and Snails for allowing this to happen in the first place, but I suppose I shouldn't be too harsh on them. One of the nicest things I can say about the minds of these two ponies is that they are not overly tainted by the cynical mistrustfulness of modern Equestria.
We turn the corner and arrive at the street. I see Featherweight fluttering about, taking pictures of the smouldering ruin, and sigh with relief. As soon as Snips and Snails catch me up, I call out to him.
"Hey Pipsqueak, how are - Oh, hey Snips, hey Snails," he replies. "You okay dudes? You look like you sprinted here."
"Feathers!" I pant, "It's - The thing with the arson and the Shady! Snips and - *wheeze* - Snails, patsies! He took the - took his hat!"
He flutters down to the ground. "Whoa, whoa, slow down. What's Shady done? What do Snips and Snails have to do with it? Whose hat? Why is Snails wearing a strap-on?"
I take a few deep breaths, fan myself with a hoof, and explain the situation to Featherweight as calmly as I can. He listens attentively, and quickly thinks of a plan. After a few moments thought, he speaks.
"Okay, I haven't seen any hat through the front of the shop, so Shady probably dumped it 'round the back. The back door or window they went through should still be open, so we'll take all the stuff they gave Snips and Snails and put it back in there. There's the alleyway right there, let's go."
The four of us hurry into the back alley behind Legal Advice and Marital Aids. The back door to the shop was bucked in. The fire seems to have burned out, but little wisps of smoke are still coming from inside. Snips and Snails quickly take off all their items and throw them inside the ruin. Featherweight then flutters in on his wings, and looks for Snips's hat.
A minute later, he comes back out shaking his head. He leans against one of the dumpsters in the alley, and says, "No sign of a hat anywhere. You sure they didn't just want a hat?"
I shrug. "Maybe. It seems odd-"
I shut up when I hear a voice from the street, and the sound of several ponies walking.
"Okay you fags, last stop of the night before we crash!"
It's Shady Daze.
Of course.
I frantically gesture and whisper instructions to Featherweight and get him to hide in the dumpster, which is thankfully filled with mostly cardboard and paper. I dearly hope he understood my instructions.
Shady leads the way into the alley, trailed by seven of his friends. He stops in surprise when he sees me. He mutters something to a few of his friends in the back, and three of them turn and walk back out of the alley. They're going to circle round and block off the other end of the alley, I know it. This is my last chance to run and forget this ever happened. I don't get long to consider it; Shady's friends sprint and they're at the other end of the alley in seconds.
I become starkly aware that Shady Daze and all of his friends are measurably bigger than me. Every one of them has at least an inch on me, and they are not built like normal teenagers. They are built like teenagers who think the four food groups are steroids, weightlifting, anger and meat.
Lucky Strike leans close to Shady, whispers something into his ear, then sits back and lights a cigarette. Shady is staring right at me, with that smile that doesn't meet his eyes. He sweeps strands of his mane from his sweaty forehead, and laughs a quiet little laugh. "Hey, Pipsqueak. What are you doing here?"
"We've got an orgy planned. The fillies will be down here in a few minutes. Care to join us?"
He smirks at me and trots a little closer. "Heh, that's pretty funny. It's late, Pip. You should go home. Take those two with you, while you're at it."
"I don't think so, Shady. You're about to act very rashly, and I'd rather you didn't."
Shady looks at me like I've sprouted wings, then bursts out laughing. When he stops, he looks back up at me with his cheeky, cheery smirk. "Bro, I'm doing the exact same shit you'd do in my place."
"You really aren't."
He snorts with laughter. "Oh, fuckin' spare me! I know how you think, dipshit, we've got a lot in common! I mean, yeah, you talk like a fag and you're into some real boring bullshit, but hey, I've seen you drink, bro. You can pack that shit away! So we dress different and we're not into all the same shit, but at heart, dude?" He puts a hoof to his chest. "At heart, we're pretty much brothers, 'cause you and me, we're two colts who've got our priorities straight. We both know the only things worth worrying about are our buds, our booze and hot, sloppy pussy, and you know what else?
"We both know that when the shit goes down, you've gotta think real hard, figure out exactly what's gotta be done and fuckin' do it. We ain't in the same social circles, but we're both twenty-four hour party ponies so I've seen and heard what you get up to, Pipsqueak. You ain't really going to tell me you've never fucked somepony over cleaning one of your messes, are you? 'Cause I never took you for a filthy liar, dude."
"We're less alike than you think," I say flatly.
"Oh?"
"Yes. I'm not stupid."
Shady laughs a silent little laugh, and waits for me to go on.
"You're turning something that would be passed off as a drunken accident into a full-blown arson investigation," I continue. "The moment Snips and Snails say they didn't do it and point a hoof at you, the guard will be all over it. Let me guess, you broke in through the back, all eight of you went in because you're thick like that, you took what you needed, then Lucky Strike-" I point a hoof at the smoking pony, "-took out the lighter fluid he uses to light those damn cigarettes, doused the place with it, then you all left and took a match to the place, right?"
Shady looks amused, and raises his eyebrows. His friends just smirk and edge a little closer.
"The guard will look through the ashes for hoofprints," I say. "They will take air and ash samples and send them straight to Twilight Sparkle, and after a few hours of lab work they'll know what you colts ate for dinner last night, and also, oh, that the fire was started with lighter fluid, that Snips and Snails don't smoke and don't have any fucking lighter fluid, and that you and your friends fucking well do!
"Right now it looks like it could have been an accident, and with everything else that's happened the guards will barely have time to go over it. By the time the insurance company gets around to investigating, it'll be too late to find anything useful. If you make this look like a deliberate arson, that won't be the case. When they find out you tried to frame two innocent ponies, you'll all end up with a nasty stretch in juvie. Be sensible. If you walk away-"
Shady cuts me off. "Pipsqueak, Pipsqueak, Pipsqueak," he says, trotting slowly towards me. "Whatever bullshit master detective crap you're trying to pull, just fuckin' drop it. We didn't stick any of Lucky Strike's lighter fluid in there or any shit like that. Legal Advice, Pip, it's full of paper! We just threw that shit about and put a torch to it, same kinda torch as every other rioter out tonight was carrying."
"Yeah, where did you get those things any-"
He claps a foreleg over my withers and leans into me. "Pip, baby, don't talk," he says, squeezing me close to him. "Here's how it's going to go down. See, everypony knows that those two useless retards-" He turns me around and points a hoof towards a confused Snails and a terrified Snips, "-are a pair of useless retards. When everypony hears that Snips and Snails robbed Legal Advice and Marital Aids because they thought the loot would help them pick up mares, then fucked up and burned the place to the ground, they'll believe it! They will eat that shit up, Pipsqueak, trust me.
"Everypony will pity them a bit because they're stupid, so they probably won't get more than a week in juvie each and a few months community service. I think it'll be good for them; a lil' stretch in the real world will straighten those two dipshits out, y'know? Sure, Snips and Snails are gonna say they didn't do it, but it's their word against ours and a massive conspiracy to frame them for a sex shop robbery is just the sort of stupid, harebrained bullshit you'd expect them to come up with in a panic.
He puts his muzzle to my ear, which twitches under his hot breath, and whispers, "Now, you could speak up for them and go around runnin' your mouth off that it was all me. You're believable enough, with that accent of yours and all. It'll take some convincing though, 'cause trust me, nopony wants to think I'm anything less than a total charmer; don't ask me why, they just don't. It'll take a few days to make your case and get anyone to actually ask me about it, let alone arrest me.
"I'll find you before that, Pipsqueak. You're no Con Mane, Pina says you don't even lock your doors at night, bro!" His stink of beer, sweat and aftershave makes my head swim, and as he pulls me tighter his whispers turn to a low growl.
"And if you try to hide like the gutless pussy you are, I'll go after your friends, one by one. Featherweight, Dinky, Chowder, Ruby.... Me and my colts will fuck them up so badly that you'll crawl to my front door and beg me to torture the shit out of you, so that I'll maybe forgive you and pull what's left of your friends from the lake of burning shit you dropped them in."
He pushes me back, and the cheeky, cheery mask drops back over his face. "I'd usually threaten something specific, like 'I'll shove my cock down your throat while I break each one of your legs,' but I figure you'd kinda like that, right, you fuckin' fairy faggot?" His friends all take a few steps forward. "Get the fuck outta here, I ain't asking again."
This is it. If Featherweight understood my frantic whispering and gesturing, if the equipment works, we might be all right. If not, we're all in a world of hurt. Featherweight and I are no scrappers after all, and Snails is probably a net negative in a fight. There's something caught in my throat, and I give a little cough.
"Yeah, I'm gonna say no. You've done something very silly," I say.
Nothing happens. Shady's grin is quickly turning into a death glare. Ponies step closer, clicking their necks and fetlocks.
"I said you've done something very silly!" There's a chord of desperation in my voice. A rustling sound comes from the dumpster, a few mutters, and then a click.
"...are you a dumbass, Pina?"
"YES! HELP MEEE!"
"Sorry, not that one!" comes Featherweight's muffled voice. Everypony is shock still. There are a few more clicks and mutters, and then:
"...just fuckin' drop it. We didn't stick any of Lucky Strike's lighter fluid in there or any shit like that. Legal Advice, Pip, it's full of paper! We just threw that shit about and put a torch to it..."
Featherweight bursts into the air out of the dumpster, phonocorder slung around his neck, then flutters down onto the dumpster's lid, like a guardian alicorn. He's got a million-bit grin on his face. "Now, I can't check this because you guys burned down the lawyer's shop, but I believe the legal term of art for that is a 'confession.'" he says triumphantly. "The guard love confessions, they make the job a lot easier."
None of the ponies move but Shady, who takes a step forward. He doesn't look enraged or worried, instead he looks offended. "Really, Featherweight? You're in on this stupid bullshit too?"
"Well, you did threaten to drop me into a lake of flaming shit. That hurt, bro." He shrugs a silly 'oh, whatever am I going to do with you' shrug. "Anyway, here's how it's going to go down. You're going to take Pipsqueak's advice, and not pin it on Snips and Snails. That way, the guard don't get this tape."
Two pegasus friends of Shady's hover into the air. Shady does not look impressed. "The guard don't get that tape if it's smashed to pieces."
Featherweight pops open a compartment on the side of the phonocorder, and takes three spare blank mini-cassettes from it. He tosses a cassette each to Snips, Snails and myself. "This wonderful machine lets me record four tapes at a time," he lies. "So wrecking them might be harder than you think."
"There's still more of us; it's two-to-one," Shady growls.
"Right, but only one tape needs to get through," I say. "And when the guard find you beat a bunch of ponies up to destroy the evidence, that won't land you in juvie, that'll land you in juvie followed by a year or two in the Fillydelphia dungeons at Her Majesty's pleasure." I'm still terrified, but I can't keep a wide grin off my face. "Shady, we've got a lot in common, mate. Neither of us would thrive in a dungeon-based environment, for instance. They'd use us as loofahs."
The atmosphere is somewhat tense. Shady Daze looks angry. Vein-bulgingly angry. "I will fuck you up so badly-"
I back up a little, but I still hold up my hoof, look him in the eye and say, "You won't, because you're like me. You're not going to put your supply of lads, lager and lady-foof in jeopardy. That's why you're going to walk away, hope the guards don't investigate, and claim you don't know anything if they do." He freezes up, face twisted with rage, as he processes this.
I look behind me, and meet eyes with Snails. He seems to have vaguely caught up with the situation, since his mouth is hanging open in shock and his eyes are wide with fear and panic.
I can't help but feel for him a little. Sure, he's thick, he's a pain in the arse and he reeks of crayons and idiocy, but he never asked to end up in this situation. He didn't exactly instigate this PUA business, after all. I've been gratuitously harsh to him on more than one occasion, and I'm not all sure he had it coming.
His mouth works a few times as he tries to speak. "Uh, Pip?"
"Yes?"
He twists the blank tape nervously in the air with his telekinesis, and his bruised eye twitches a little. "Are - are these guys going to hurt us, Pip?"
Bless his cotton socks, he's like a ten year old foal who thinks it's his fault his parents are arguing. Okay, I can't help but feel a lot for him. He's been through a lot of crap that he doesn't deserve, and I've caused a fair bit of it.
I give him a reassuring smile. "No, Snails, these ponies are cowards."
"YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD!"
Shady crashes into me like a drug-addled doberman, and then the alley is chaos. I barely notice what anypony else is doing, because Shady is massive and moves faster than anypony that big should be able to. I throw a hoof right at his nose, hard enough that pain shoots through my fetlock and something crunches at his end. He barely notices, and we're suddenly grappling in a tangle of limbs.
I push against him for a few seconds before he does something devilishly complex with my forelegs, gets behind me and lifts me up bodily. I have no time to yell before he hurls me straight into the side of the dumpster. If I hadn't had a front leg up protecting my head, I'd have split my skull.
Before I can get up, he's on top of me. His eyes are popping out and his teeth are bared. I try to push him away with a front hoof, but he just grabs it and slams it into the dumpster until I squeal in pain. He drops a hoof on my face, and everything seizes up as my eyes cross from the pain.
He's punching me, he keeps punching me and I can't stop him he's just batting my hooves away oh Luna it hurts I can't see straight it's all blurred
His hooves are on my throat I can't breathe he's too big it's going black
It's purple
*SKRUNCH*
My salvation is an angel of orange and purple; her sword a scooter.
"Now that's how you take down a motherfucker!"
My face is throbbing with pain and stars are still swimming through my vision, but I manage to pull myself to my haunches. Shady is curled in a ball next to me, barely conscious, clutching his head. Scootaloo is standing over me, and offers me a hoof up, which I take. The remains of her scooter are scattered around Shady.
She's got that wonderfully cocky grin. “You took a crazy-hard beating there, I'm impressed,” she says, slapping me on the back. “You're gonna look real pretty in the morning, Pip.”
I fall into her and hug her tightly. “Thanpf,” I say through her coat. “Thanks so much. Saved m'life.”
I feel her chuckle. “Hey, it's cool. Can you stand? Easy, easy – ah, there you go.” I manage to get to all four hooves, only swaying a little.
I take a look around. Spike is sitting on one colt and has two others in headlocks. The remaining four are crowded in a spot against the wall, stood still. They're all splattered with chunks of overripe apples, and the wall and floor around them is covered in missed shots. One tries to tip-hoof away, and with a forceful *PONK* an apple splatters where he was about to step.
Across from them stands Apple Bloom. She's wearing a hard-hat and welding goggles, and is handling some strange contraption that looks like the offspring of a firehose and a pneumatic drill, with a hose connecting the device to a large, lumpy sack on her back. My mind can barely process all this.
"Apple Bloom. What is that?" I ask.
"Apple cannon."
"...you built an apple cannon."
She turns to look at me, a wry grin on her face. "Ah solve practical problems."
I put a hoof to my face, wincing at the pain. Featherweight is dusting himself off, unharmed. Snips is fretting over Snails, who has another black eye and is being treated by Sweetie Belle. "How did you guys get here so fast?" I ask.
"Sweetie saw Snips and Snails running in a panic," says Spike, still pinning three ponies. "We figured they might be in trouble, so we followed them. We saw them go into the alley next to a burning building, then we saw these dudes strut into the same alley all with serious faces. We got some backup, then came back as quickly as we could."
"Backup?"
"We're here to do two things!" comes a loud, gravelly mare's voice. "Chew gum and enforce the law, and we're all outta gum!" It's Rainbow Dash at the end of the alley, flashing her deputy's badge, flanked by two police officers and Twilight Sparkle.
"Rainbow Dash!" Scootaloo squeals.
"You know it." Dash grins and winks at her.
“Spike, I got your message; we got here as fast as we could,” pants Twilight, “Actually, if I'd teleported everypony, we probably could have been here faster, but there's a good chance I would also be unconscious right now due to magical exhaustion given the number and overall mass of the individuals involved, and that's not accounting for the logistics of getting everyone in one place to start with... But that's not the point! Is everypony okay? What happened here?”
Featherweight steps up once more. "Shady and his friends looted and burned this store, then took personal effects from Snips and Snails to plant them on the scene. Pipsqueak, Snips, Snails and myself confronted them and asked them to reconsider, then they assaulted us." He takes out the phonocorder. "I have them on tape admitting to the arson and to attempting to frame Snips and Snails."
Much to the horror and protests of Shady's friends, he plays the tape. As soon as it finishes, Rainbow turns to the beaten colts. "All you idiots are under arrest. Book 'em, boys." Then she turns back to us. "Can you guys come down to the station and give statements?"
Now, usually I wouldn't be enthused about ending up in a police station while drunk and high, but considering the circumstances...
"Lead the way, Miss Dash."
* * *
It takes two hours, several pots of strong coffee, and far too long sitting on hard chairs, but eventually the police finish taking our statements. The whole thing comes off as more of a relief than an inconvenience. Call me a coward, but I feel rather more secure with Shady Daze on the other side of a cell door to me, and I'm happy to do my bit to keep it that way.
Snails is weak on his hooves and more than a little worse for wear, so Twilight and Featherweight agree to take him home. Featherweight tells me to meet him at the library in an hour. Snips sets off with them. Then I'm outside the Ponyville Police Station at three in the morning, alongside Spike, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.
"So how come you and Feathers were in that alley with Snips and Snails?" asks Spike.
I tell them everything from running about town looking for my hip flask to finding Snips and Snails in the park. Sweetie Belle gives me a sharp look. "Oh, Mister 'Be a bastard to Snips and Snails 'cause it's funny' suddenly decides to help them out of the goodness of his heart? Really? What was in it for you, Pip?"
I slump a little under her gaze. "Well, to tell the truth, I felt pretty bad about how I'd treated them. If I'd told them earlier that the pick-up stuff was rubbish they might not have been framed in the first place," I say. "I'd be a real choad if I'd just left them in the muck, and I'm trying to be less of a choad." I shrug sheepishly.
"Huh. Well, I'll believe it when I see it," says Sweetie Belle, her face nonetheless softening.
I clear my throat awkwardly, and then say, "Thanks so much, all of you. You guys saved my skin tonight. I shudder to think what would have happened if you hadn't turned up when you did. You're all amazing friends; you're far more than I deserve."
Apple Bloom walks over and claps a hoof over my withers. "Don't fret none; you'd have done the same for us. Hey, did y'all get all the bottles in the end?"
"All but one," I reply. "I don't supppose you chaps found it?"
She shakes her head. "'Fraid not. It's only one, ah guess-"
She's cut off as a bottle falls from the air and smashes against Spike's head. He yells in pain and surprise. Attached to the shards is a Wild Pegasus label.
"Got you back for that!" comes Diamond Tiara's voice from the distance. Everypony is too stunned to do anything.
"What the fuck was that?" yells Spike.
Apple Bloom just shakes her head. "That mare is crazy. Anyways, ah'm gonna be in pieces tomorrow if ah don't get some sleep before dawn. Ah'll see y'all tomorrow, you folks go careful now."
Sweetie lets out a yawn. "Mmm. I'm sleepy. I'm going to head off too."
"Hey Sweetie, can I stay at your place tonight?" asks Spike. "Twilight's going to be bugging out about everything that's happened, and I can't handle that for another few hours."
Sweetie smiles, then darts forward and kisses Spike on the snout. "Sure, as long as you'll be my pillow."
Spike looks pleasantly surprised, and mutters, "Uh, sure, sounds good!"
"Well, I guess I'll see you chaps soon," I say. "Where's Scootaloo, by the way?"
Apple Bloom chuckles. "Heh, she's still in the station, talking to Rainbow Dash. She'll be done in an hour or eight. See you 'round, Pip!"
"Goodnight, Pip!"
"'Night, dude!"
I say my farewells, and we all walk off. Sleep doesn't even occur to me, the cool night air seems to have sparked off the salts in my bloodstream, and I start walking aimlessly.
I think of Spike and the ex-Crusaders as I walk. Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are as stunning as ever, but I've now seen Spike and Scootaloo in a new light. Scootaloo swooped in and saved me from a pony who'd have had me eating through a straw for the next few year, and she didn't break a sweat. Spike took three ponies and pinned them like it was nothing. That kind of pure strength and skill...
"Pipsqueak! Buddy!"
My train of thought is derailed as somepony tackle-hugs me from the side, and I have a feeling of deja-vu. I'm released, and I see that the pony is Lickety Split.
I'm glad to see him. I've been a thoughtless clod to him tonight, and he's a thoroughly decent bloke who didn't deserve a bit of it. Apologies spill from my lips, "Lickie, mate! Hey, I've been a real arse tonight, what with leading you on, brushing you off, sending you to-" I stop mid-sentence when I see his expression.
He doesn't look upset, mopey or fed up in any way. He's smiling, beaming even. His head is held high, and he's almost bouncing on his hooves. He looks absolutely chuffed to bits. He's doing a Pinkie Pie. It's as if there's so much joy in his body that he's become utterly discombobulated, and he'll have to start warping the spacetime continuum to compensate.
"Did something happen?" I ask. "Is - is it good news? It looks like it's good news. I'm getting a good news sort of feel from you."
"I - Pipsqueak, I - He - Oh Pipsqueak! I got asked out by a boy!"
It takes a moment to sink in, then my eyebrows go up and I blurt, "Well that's fantastic! Who is it? How'd it happen?"
"It's Rumble! Grey pegasus, sporty, really cute? He was sitting by the fire on Tiara's lawn, and he heard me telling you I was lonely and that I was like, the only gay dude anywhere, ever, and the rest of it. When I walked away to find bottles, he followed me, told me he didn't know anypony else in Ponyville was into other colts, and then he asked me out!"
"I take it you said yes?"
He nods and blushes. "He got tongue-tied when he actually did the asking, started looking at the floor and stuttering and everything, so I just went right up and kissed him! He kissed back, oh Pipsqueak, it was amazing!" Lickety looks drunk on joy, and starts doing an odd little rump-shaking dance. "He li-ikes me, he wants to hu-ug me, oh he lo-oves me, he wants to smo-ooch me," he says in a singsong voice.
His happiness is infectious, and I can't help but grin along with him. "That's wonderful, Lickety, you don't know how happy I am for you. Where is he now?"
"Oh, we'd been walking and talking for a few hours and he flew off to Beanburger Palace twenty minutes ago to get us some food. I told him we'd meet up - Oh, here he is!"
A pegasus lands behind me with a gentle swoosh. It's Rumble, wearing a white track jacket, his hair swept back Wonderbolts-style. He trots up to Lickety, puts a greasy brown paper bag at his feet, and pecks him on the cheek. "Hey babe, sorry I took so long, huge line." He speaks with a warm, confident Cloudsdale accent.
Lickety nuzzles him back. "No problem. Oh, Rumble, you know Pipsqueak right?"
Rumble's eyebrows go up as he becomes suddenly aware of my presence. He gives me a guarded grin. "Yeah, we've met. Hey, Split, isn't this the dude who kept breaking your heart? You want me to kick his ass for-" He takes a good look at my face and looks even more surprised. "Whoa, I was only kidding. I didn't notice all the bruising and the bleeding and everything. Dude, are you okay?"
Lickety notices my injuries for the first time, and is suddenly fretful. " Oh my Celestia, did you get in a fight or something?"
I grin sheepishly. "Yeah, something like that. The other lad got the worst of it. He's in a cell at the station, and I think he broke a fetlock. It's only a few cuts and scrapes. I'm not concussed or anything, so I should be fine in a few days."
Lickety looks relieved. "Well, I'm glad you're okay. Thanks, Pipsqueak, really. If you hadn't come outside tonight and talked to me, I wouldn't have been seduced by this wonderful stallion," he says, draping a foreleg over his new boyfriend.
"Hey, I was being a heartless dick and I'm really sorry about the way I acted. I'm so glad it's worked out for you like this. You two deserve each other. You're both rather cute together to boot." Lickety blushes even more, and Rumble just grins. "Anyway, I shan't keep you lovebirds any longer, it was great seeing both of you. Give me a nudge when your one-month anniversary comes up; I'll sort you out a bottle of champers, no charge!"
"Thanks, Pip! Bye, buddy!"
"See you 'round, dude!"
I feel a pang of something as they walk off. I'm not sure if I'm jealous because I haven't ended the night paired up, or if I'm just sad because I no longer have Lickety to vainly flatter my ego with his unrequited longing for me. I instantly feel like a rotten bag of badger toss for thinking those things. Then, oddly, I feel better for feeling bad for feeling those things. I shake my head and start walking again. It's about time to see Featherweight at the library, I think.
* * *
The lights are on in the library. I knock on the door, and Featherweight opens it up. "Dude! Glad you made it here okay," he says, welcoming me inside.
"Did you get Snips and Snails home all right?" I ask as I walk in.
"Yeah, We went to Snails' house. His parents were there. His mom thanked us for bringing him back safely for twenty minutes straight, and his dad just seemed proud that his kid can take a punch. They asked if Snips wanted to spend the night, but he was feeling better so he went off and walked home himself." He looks away from me, and calls out, "Hey Twilight! Pipsqueak's here!"
Twilight is sitting at a table at the other end of the room. The table is covered in magazines and a few paperbacks, and there are two mugs on coasters.
"Oh, hello! Featherweight was just telling me how you stopped those colts from bullying Snips and Snails," she says as we sit down at the table. Her eyes look tired and her mane is a mess, but she's smiling widely. "That was really brave of you boys; I'm so proud of both of you."
"It was nothing, really," says Featherweight, trying for humble. "We just saw that something bad was about to go down, and we thought 'what would Twilight Sparkle and her friends do?'" He grins, and Twilight rolls her eyes and blushes.
"Flatterer," she says, poking him gently. "Honestly, you're worse than Spike when he wants a day off." She turns to me, looking concerned. "How are you holding up, Pipsqueak? You look like you really hurt yourself in that fight; we should probably head to Ponyville Hospital."
I wave her off. "I'm fine Miss Sparkle, really. There's nothing broken, I'm not concussed and they cleaned out the cuts at the police station; I just need a few days rest and I'll be back to my beautiful self."
She relaxes and smiles. "Well, if you're sure-" There is a knock at the door. Featherweight stands up and gets it. It's Dinky Doo and, unexpectedly, Professor Whooves. Featherweight welcomes them straight in, and they greet Twilight and I before sitting down at the table.
"Evening, professor," I say, cheerful as chips. "Been helping round up the ruffians of this fair town?"
"Ah, hello Pipsqueak!" He has the same tired, coffee-fueled smile as Twilight. "Actually, by the time I got out there the only ponies left were too drunk to stand, the poor things. Except Dinky and some of her friends," he says, ruffling her hair affectionately. "They weren't acting rowdy or being violently ill; they were going around and helping clean up the litter the others had left behind! Dinky, you're one of the smartest ponies I've ever taught and you're civic-minded too; I don't think I could be prouder of you."
Dinky practically starts floating at the praise. It's a wonder she doesn't let her tongue flop out and start drooling.
"Hey, would you guys like some cocoa?" asks Featherweight. "I'll go make some more!"
Dinky snaps out of her stupor. "Oh, I'll help."
"Me too," I say. We get up and head into the kitchen. Featherweight sticks the kettle on, and Dinky starts reaching for ingredients with her telekinesis. They both have wide, manic grins.
"Dinky, you feel it don't you?" says Featherweight.
"You're talking about what I think you're talking about?" she replies.
"Oh yeah. This is it. I'm gonna ask out Twilight, and you're gonna ask out Whooves. The timing is perfect; me and Twilight have been flirting since we got to the library and I can feel the energy between you and Whooves."
Dinky practically bounces. "I know, right? This is totally what we should do. They're gonna say yes; I just know they will."
"I don't want to jinx us or anything, but Dinky, I think we're all gonna get laid!"
Dinky's face splits in a huge grin. "You know it, Feathers, brohoof!"
"Brohoof!" says Feathers, bumping his hoof into Dinky's.
Dinky turns to me, still grinning. "Yo Pip, do you think - Hey, what happened to your face bro? Did you guys get in a fight or some shit?"
I give her a condensed account of the morning's events. By the end of it she looks suitably surprised.
"Wow. Seriously? I can't believe Shady Daze actually did all that shit," she says.
"It's crazy, right?" says Featherweight. "It just doesn't seem at all like him."
"Yes. Quite," I say, unimpressed.
"It's been a pretty crazy night all around, I guess," says Dinky, shrugging. "Like, the party and the riot? Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hoof fast."
Featherweight nods as he spoons out cocoa powder and sugar into several mugs. "It kicked up a notch."
There's a short silence, and I realise they're both looking at me. "Oh! It did, didn't it? There were the Hurricanes, and the fooling around, and then there was a building on fire!"
Featherweight flashes a cocky grin. "Still, I think this night is gonna end on a high note." Dinky agrees. I just scowl. High note my arse. The high note of the evening involved a Cutie-Mark Crusader sandwich with dragon meat filling.
Dinky levitates the boiled kettle over, and looks a tad worried. "Hey, Feathers? How are you going to do it? I mean, ask out Twilight?"
His eyes go wide and he looks just as nervous as Dinky. "I literally have no idea. How do you ask somepony out?"
"You mean you've never asked anypony out before?"
"Nope," he says, shaking his head.
"Shit, me either." There's a second's quiet, and they both look at me again. I sigh loudly.
"Oh, for Luna's sake," I say. "Go up to the pony, mention two or three things you find attractive about them and ask them out to an activity you will find mutually enjoyable. Watch:" I turn to Featherweight and clear my throat. "Hey Feathers, I love how you're so driven and energetic, and I think you're rather cute. Would you like to come to the cinema with me tomorrow evening? On a date?" I take a step back. "See? Done. Easy."
"Yeah, easy. Right!" says Featherweight, now more upbeat.
Dinky takes a deep breath. "Okay, I can do this. Should we both ask at the same time, or..."
"Nah, it might be awkward. We'll ask as soon as we're alone with them," says Feathers plainly.
"Right, now that's sorted, lets bring the drinks through before they get cold," I say.
We head back into the library proper and sit around the table with mugs of hot cocoa. It's a rather nice change of pace, and I can almost feel myself drifting off. For a while the five of us chat about various topics, from upcoming events in Ponyville to trashy literature to physics. I tune out a lot of it, not out of disinterest but from sheer fatigue.
Eventually, Whooves puts down his empty mug and looks at the clock on the wall. "Oh hay, it's almost four A.M.!" he says, standing up. "It's been lovely seeing you all, but I really must be off home."
Twilight stands too. "That's okay. Are we still on for tonight?"
Whooves smiles at her. "I'll see you at eight."
He takes a step towards Twilight, and kisses her on the lips. Their eyes close and their cheeks flush. It lasts a full ten seconds.
There may have been tongue involved.
Dinky and Featherweight are staring open-mouthed in horror. Featherweight is the first to speak.
"You... you kissed Whooves." His voice is quiet with shock.
Dinky sounds the same. "There were tongues."
Twilight and Whooves don't seem to notice their state of shock. Twilight giggles. "This handsome stallion asked me out on Tuesday. What was it you said to me?"
Whooves nuzzles Twilight gently. "I said I think you're the smartest, cutest and most adorable mare I've ever met, and I asked if you wanted to have dinner together."
They both nuzzle each other gently and sigh blissfully. Dinky Doo and Featherweight seem to have stopped functioning. They're just sitting there, staring off into space.
Whooves straightens himself out a little. "Well, I must be off. Dinky, will you be able to get home okay?"
She doesn't look up. "Yeah, I'll be fine," she says tonelessly.
“Good to hear. I'm proud of you, Dinky,” he says, “I'll see you on Monday.”
Twilight gives Whooves another peck, and I think I see Feathers and Dinky flinch in actual pain. Whooves walks out, and Twilight is still standing there, drunk on love.
After about a minute of painful - for me in any case - silence, I clear my throat. "Thank you very much for the cocoa and the hospitality this evening, Miss Sparkle, but I don't think we should keep you from your bed any longer. It sounds like you have a busy day tomorrow, after all!" Dinky and Feathers look at me with such rage and disgust you'd think I'd swapped their cocoa for chlamydia.
Twilight seems to snap out of a daze, and then yawns widely. She blushes. "I guess it is pretty late," she says, giggling. "It's been great seeing you all, and you ponies did good tonight." She trots over to Featherweight, who looks as if he's about to cry. "And Featherweight? You've been so brave tonight and I'm so proud of you. This might sound crazy, but I almost feel like you're a little brother to me, you know?"
She then leans down and kisses him on the ear.
To his credit, he manages to get a good ten metres away from the library before sitting down on his haunches and bawling his eyes out. A second later, Dinky Doo gives in and starts weeping on his shoulder.
"He was the one!" she wails.
Featherweight sobs uncontrollably. "I f-f-feel like someone pulled out my s-soul and – and they didn't put it ba-ah-ah-ah-ahhhck!"
"We're gonna be alone forever!" cries Dinky.
They sob and cry and hold each other tight, wetting each other's coats with their tears. Wails give way to heaving sobs, and after a few minutes it fades away to sad sighs and soft sniffles. Featherweight untangles himself slightly, and takes a pack of tissues from his saddlebags. He offers one to Dinky, and they both blow their noses.
I try to not ruin the moment by sighing impatiently, tapping my hoof or rolling my eyes. They're ever so close, and I'm almost jealous of what they're about to experience. They're about to have a perfect moment of...
Moment of...
You know, that blasted word is right on the tip of my bloody tongue-
"Retarded ejaculation," states Featherweight, looking at me through reddened eyes. Oh, that's why Lickety's eyes looked like that earlier, he'd been crying.
"What?"
"You were thinking of the medical condition where a stallion can't orgasm during sex, right?"
"No. No I wasn't. I was thinking of serendipity."
"Oh. Sorry, it's kinda late and I just saw that–"
I wave him off. "I understand. Now, you two are going to say to each other exactly what you have to say to each other."
They have the gall to look confused for a moment, and I respond with the flattest of all looks. They turn to look at each other, still holding each other.
"Dinky?" Featherweights speech is skittish and tentative. "It's, uh – it's like four in the morning."
"Yeah? I mean, yeah, it is."
"You live, uh, your house is like, way across town."
Dinky nods and there's a short pause. "Yeah!" she blurts, and seems taken aback by her loudness. "Yeah, my house is – could I..."
"Do you wanna crash over mine tonight?" asks Featherweight. "I got some new Fifth Horseman comics in yesterday, if you wanted..."
"We could read comics together." Her voice is almost a whisper. "That – that'd be nice." A brief pause.
They fall to the ground and push their muzzles together and for a sloppy, enthusiastic snog. No teasing or subtlety; they stick their tongues right in like a pair of chameleons trying to trip each other's gag reflexes. Featherweight's feathers flutter with frantic forcefulness and their hooves grope up and down each other's bodies with wild abandon.
"O-oh Celestia, I can't believe I waited this long," cries Feathers as Dinky nips at his neck.
"Mmmm, oh Feathers the things I want to do to you!"
"Y-yeah?"
"I wanna rut you 'til we can't see straight!"
"Yeah!"
"I want your feathers in my mouth!"
"Oh baby yeah!"
"I want you to suck my horn like a cock!"
"What?!"
Dinky flinches back and goes bright red. "Well, I mean, only if you wanted to..." She doesn't meet his eyes.
"Oh no no I'm not saying it's weird I just didn't know it was a thing that's all!" He darts forward and peppers her mouth with little kisses, which she returns.
"Mhhmf, you mean you're okay with that? Oh, I've wanted somepony to do that for so long – NOT IN PUBLIC!"
Featherweight pulls back and mumbles, "Sorry." I clear my throat and they both suddenly look up at me, embarrassed.
"Well, you two clearly have a lot to talk about, so I think I'll leave you to it," I say with a grin. "I'll see you over the weekend, I'm sure."
Both of them give me a bashful smile. "O-okay Pip. I'll see you tomorrow!" says Feathers. He looks down at Dinky. "Maybe Sunday."
As I turn to walk off, Dinky calls out to me, "Hey, Pip!"
"Yes?" I reply.
She brushes her mane from her eyes and grins. "Thanks, Pip. For the nudge."
I grin back. "My pleasure. You two have a good evening, now!"
And with that, I set off for a wander.
* * *
I end up circling back to Ponyville park trying to exercise the salts jitters away. The park is empty, though half way up the path I see a lone figure on a bench. As I get closer, I see who it is. It's Snips, sitting alone, and looking thoroughly miserable. He's still wearing the puce hat, but the rest of his gear is gone. I walk up to him.
"What-ho, Snips."
"Hey." He doesn't look up, and his tone is glum.
"You look a bit put out, mate."
"Yeah."
"You look very put out, come to think of it. You look like somepony smegged all over your favourite pillow."
"I guess so." There's a long pause. He still doesn't look up, so I sit down next to him. I should probably start the apologies.
I clear my throat. "Listen, I owe you an apology, Snips, I've been a right rotten arsehole. earlier at the party I brushed you off with some ridiculous and counterproductive advice about mares. I sort of ruined your evening with it."
Snips looks right at me, his brow furrowed. "What? Dude, you didn't give us the wrong advice."
"...I'm pretty sure I did."
He shakes his head. "No, you didn't. Snails thought it was wrong after it didn't work a few times, so we took out Speedy Seduction and looked it up. It's in chapter three, Enigma's Statistical Arbitraged Evopsychosociology method."
"Oh. My mistake. Didn't it get Snails punched in the face?"
Snips lets out a sharp laugh. "Nah, that was just Snails. He got bored of it and tried just asking a filly if he could see her candy vag."
"That does sound like Snails."
Snips doesn't reply. He's got a depressed expression, with a hint of impotent frustration and anger. Sort of like a gelded minotaur. I decide to give him a verbal prod.
"So, you had a pretty decent night tonight," I say.
He looks at me like I've grown a second head, and that head just called him a twat. "Uh... no, I fucking didn't."
"Really? You went out with your best mate, got stinking drunk, got a kiss from Diamond Tiara-"
"I got a peck from Diamond Tiara. On the cheek."
"A peck is still a peck and she is rather pretty, and also you didn't go to jail, the ponies who tried to put you in jail are in jail, and you'll get a mention in the Press for helping catch a crazed gang of arsonists," I say. "There are worse ways to spend an evening."
"Dude, just fucking don't, all right? Tonight was shitty in every way." He rolls onto his back and stares straight up at the sky. There's another uncomfortable silence.
"Would you like to talk about it?" I ask.
He sighs sadly. "Yeah, actually, that'd be pretty good. It's the mares, dude. They just don't make any sense. It's killing me!"
I take a swig from my hip flask, and offer him a drink. He takes a pull, and only coughs a little. "So tell me all about it, Snips."
"I thought I had it figured out," he says bitterly. "I was a real dork last year and pretty much only hung out with Snails, but I thought I'd learned since then. I had some other friends and I wasn't so nervous and stupid. Even ponies like Shady started being cool with us.
"Then I get all this awesome advice about mares, then there's this really cool party coming up, and I'm thinking 'hey, this is it, this is the night, I'm going to talk to some hot filly and I'll make her my girlfriend, and I'll finally be one of the normal guys instead of that weird, pudgy dork who gets gum stuck on his ass and nearly wrecked the town that one time.'
"And I find out I'm wrong, again. I don't understand fillies, dude, I don't get what they want. It's like, I'm a nice guy, I'm not bad looking and I've lost weight since middle school, right? But fillies just pass me right over and go for jerks like Shady Daze, and well, like..."
"Like me?"
"Well, yeah. Kinda. I mean, I feel like a freak! When I just act like a nice guy, I get turned down and everypony thinks I'm a loser. And when I act like a player, I still get turned down and everypony still thinks I'm a loser. I hate how, you know, you can just walk up to a mare and she's all over you, but no matter what I do they won't even look at me! I mean... it's not even the sex, really. I just want to feel wanted by somepony."
I give him a gentle pat on the side. "You're in luck, Snips, because it's far simpler than you think. You're treating sex and relationships like they're some twisted, hellish game of cards, where you'll either fail instantly or be swatting the mouths off your dick depending on knowing some rummy statistical strategy. That's not the case, and thank Celestia because I'd never have the patience for that." Snips says nothing, he just looks sceptical and waits for me to continue.
"Snips, mate," I say. "Out of me, Featherweight and Chowder, who do you think has slept with the most mares?"
"You."
"Nope."
"Oh. Featherweight, then."
I laugh. "Feathers is a virgin. You wouldn't know it, because he doesn't stake his entire worth as a pony on the number of fannies that have touched his tonker. I'm not sure he's even kissed a mare."
"Really? You mean-"
"Yes, Chowder is a total ladykiller. I've slept with five mares; Chowder is in the double digits. Low twenties, I think." I get off the bench and give my legs a stretch. Snips sits up straight, looking a fair bit less glum. "See, lots of colts think they're nice guys. Chowder actually is a nice guy. He's the best listener I've ever met. He might not talk much, but after a proper chat with him you'll feel like he understands you better than anypony in the world. He's friendly, he's confident, he's curious, he's funny but not attention-seeking. Chowder is safe. Fillies know he's not going to turn into a clingy, insecure limpet in the morning, and that he won't act like he can't hear them if they say 'no.'
"He makes friends with lots of mares and doesn't treat them like interchangeable clunge dispensaries. If they feel like they're compatible, one of them makes up some polite fiction about going upstairs for a private conversation or checking out a quiet area of the back garden, and then coitus ensues."
"Huh." He stares off for a moment, taking it in. "But what about that book, and all the pick-up stuff that that Shady Daze does?"
I cut him off. "Yeah, no. Everything in that book is wrong, stupid or both. Mares don't need to be tricked or bamboozled into shagging. They want it just as much as you do. And I don't mean to speak ill of Shady, but I'm quite sure he's a true, blue, dyed-in-the-wool rapist. Don't take dating advice from rapists. Snips, mares are ponies. Their minds work pretty much the same way ours do. Talk to mares. Treat them like normal equine beings. Ask them questions and listen to them."
That sceptical look returns. "Isn't that just a quick way to get friendzoned?"
I shake my head. "There's no such thing. If a friend doesn't want to shag you, it's not because you're a friend. It's because they don't want to shag you. And that's just fine! Lots of ponies don't want to have sex with certain ponies; that's how these things work. For example, do you want to have sex with me?"
Snips gives me a flat look. "No."
"Exactly. That doesn't reflect poorly on me; it's just your preference. I'll put it simply: make friends with fillies like you would anypony else, ask them out, and be ready to take no for an answer. This will not always work, and that is not your fault. But it has a far better success rate than anything in Speedy Seduction, and you don't look like a tosser doing it."
He contemplates this for a moment. "I dunno, bro. I still feel kinda..."
"Yes?"
"I mean, it helps I guess, but I feel like there's so many weird details and I don't even know where to start . It's good advice, but it's like I've been given the axioms of probability theory and now I have to take a university-level statistics exam, y'know?"
"...are you asking for a statistics tutor?" He looks at me with a hopeful sort of expression. I sigh. "Very well then. Meet me at the market at lunchtime on Sunday. We'll have a chat about grooming, go round Carousel Boutique, and see if we can't turn you from 'not bad looking' to a colt who actually doesn't look bad. Next week we'll go over proper etiquette, attitude and suchlike. How does that sound?”
“Yeah, that - that sounds good. Thanks!”
“I'm warning you though, if you start yelling at random mares and trying to show them your bollocks, I'll drop you like a dirty sock. Clear?”
He nods rapidly. "Uh, yeah, uh, crystal." There's a pause. "So..."
"You've had a long night," I say, suppressing a yawn. "You should probably head home."
"Yeah, that's a good idea. Sunday then, dude?"
"I'll see you then."
I head off again, to walk some more.
* * *
It's just before dawn when the hangover and comedown really hits me. A splitting headache melds into the gut-wrenching nausea, until I can't tell which sensation is coming from where. My throat is dry and my legs wobble as I walk. All my joints ache, and I start to shiver like I'm coming down with flu. My face is thudding with pain, and my right eye is so swollen I can barely see from it.
It's not an altogether pleasant sensation.
I'd been wandering aimlessly, and ended up near Sugarcube Corner. I'd considered having a early morning cup of strong coffee there and just trying to power through into the day, but that's not going to happen. Even though their pre-dawn baking smells delicious, I don't think I could keep food or strong anything down right now.
I need sleep. I have to crawl back home, slink into my wonderful bed and hope Pina Colada hasn't done anything unmentionable to it. I turn on the spot, ready to go home, and nearly trip over my own hooves. My vision is swimming. Need bed.
Waking up won't be fun. This hangover is going to be champagne-hangover bad. My headache morphs into a strange tinnitus, like a low buzzing next to my eardrums. I take a step and the buzzing gets louder. Six steps later, I realise it's not coming from my head. Two steps after that, the buzzing stops, and Scootaloo skids to a stop at my side.
I look at her. She's leaning heavily - almost sagging - on the handlebars of her red scooter. Her purple bangs are pinned to her forehead by her helmet. There are heavy bags under her eyes, and she's got a dazed smile like she's struggling to stay awake.
"Hey, Squeaky."
"Morning, Loo-loo."
"You look like shit, dude."
I wince. It hurts to wince. "That bad?"
"Oh yeah, majorly. It looks like a medical trial went wrong. It looks like lots of medical trials went wrong, and all reacted badly with each other. You ever seen a baboon?"
"A baboon? The apes with the weird faces, yes?"
"Yeah, that. You know how their butts swell up and go all crazy colours? That's your eye right now. A horny baboon butt."
"Thanks, Scoots."
"Heh, no problem, Pip. Still, it's pretty cool. It shows you can take one hay of a beating, and y'know, that's awesome."
I smile. It hurts as much as wincing. "Well, I was probably due a beating. I've been a bit of a tosser to more than a few ponies lately..."
"Pfft, you sound like you've been listening to Sweetie Belle. I love Sweetie, but she can be waaay uptight, y'know? She'll be all 'oh Scootaloo, that's mean,' 'Scootaloo, don't put lit firecrackers in Silver Spoon's saddlebags,' 'Scoots, stop reading Foalita in front of Mr. Cake,' shit like that. You can't take it too seriously; she acts madder than she is."
"Well, I did give Snips and Snails deliberately bad advice, and got Snails punched in the face."
"Yeah, that was pretty funny."
"Eh? You didn't look amused when you found out that I'd given them the advice. You looked like somepony had pissed on your fetlocks."
She rolls her eyes. "No shit, dumbass, you were talking back to Sweetie Belle when she was in a mood with you. You were wagging your dick at a hungry manticore like you were gonna get a pawjob out of it. I just had to watch in horror, y'know?"
"Makes sense,” I say, shrugging. “Where did you go after the police station?"
"I was still jumped up on salts so I went flying to burn it off. Then I tracked down my spare scooter." She taps the red handlebars of the scooter she's standing on. "I broke my last one saving your silly flank."
I grin sheepishly. "Heh. Thanks for that, Scoots. I owe you one."
She waves a hoof. "Don't worry about it, this sort of thing happens all the time when you're as awesome as me. How come you're still up?"
"I thought I could trick my body into not needing sleep. It's not working. I'm going to fall over soon."
"I know the feeling. You live on the other side of town, right?"
"Yeah."
"We're two minutes from my doorstep, so do you wanna crash 'round mine? I could clean up your face up too." She gives me a cute, almost sheepish grin. "I've got a lot of experience fixing up scrapes, and you kinda need it right now."
"That sounds good. That sounds very good. Where do you live?"
She taps the handlebars of her scooter. "Get on the back, I'll take you there."
I approach the scooter, swaying on my hooves. "Uh, so how do I..."
"Put your back legs on the board and put your front hooves around me. Imagine you're mounting me, but don't actually mount me. That can wait," she says, with an unforgivably cheesy wink. I can't help but grin.
I climb onto the back of the scooter, and wrap my front hooves around her. She feels snug, soft and warm. I could fall asleep right here. She turns her head and says, "Ready for a ride, Squeaky?"
I kiss her lips. It's an awkward, side-on angle but she still presses into it.
"Too tired for witty innuendo. Take me to a bed. Please."
"Hah," she barks. "Don't worry, sleepyhead, you'll teach me some witty new cursewords when I clean out those cuts anyway. Hang on tight!" I brace myself as she flutters her wings.
Her wings buzz, the scooter jerks forward, and we ride off towards her house.
All in all, it's been a pretty good day.
A/N: Do not unfavorite if you want to find the sequels easily! I will add the links to them on here.
I would like to dearly thank my awesome pre-reader, LittleSallyDigby, without whom this work would not be half the quality it is now. Sally has been utterly fantastic every step of the way, and I cannot thank him enough.
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Sad to see it end, but pumped to hear about sequels.
1392413
They're gonna be cloppy....
1392417
a little more pumped now
have to let you know right away: i fucking love the TF2 Engineer reference =D
Well done, it has issues which I'm in no condition to name, but you get
out of five happy pinkies and I look forward to sequels.
Pipaloo best pairing.
1392492
I love critique, so if you do get in a condition to name the faults, I'd love to hear them!
I love a happy ending. Nice to see Pipsqueak fix his mistakes and maybe there is hope Snips. Most of us were Snips at some time.
1392417.....I TOTALLY didnt see that coming....like, for realsies
ᴬᶰᶜʰᵒʳᵐᵃᶰ ʳᵉᶠᵉʳᵉᶰᶜᵉ
This was awesome, in the classical sense. This was how all those comedies built around booze and drugs NEED to be written. Kudos dude.
And news of more intimate sequels is right boss.
dat reference.
newnation.sg/wp-content/uploads/boy-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
also, an excellent story. :D
happy to hear you may do something with it in the future.
Pip wanting to bed stallions? Ohohoho
This... I like~ :3
1392417 That's good. That's very, very good.
as previously mentioned this usually isnt my sort of thing but dammit that was a brilliant story. Will keep an eye out for any sequels too, that story earnt my respect man, i read it all the way through and its like half 4 in the morning.
I would hate to be in Tiara's horse-shoes when her parents get back home. That's going to be one hell of a cleaning and repair bill.
I look forward to the sequel (just out of curiosity, how uhh... 'intimate' will it be? Innuendo and implication or full-on lemon and anatomy?)
I am glad Snips got a shot at a happy ending. Snails' situation gets more and more depressing the more I think about it (Fridge Downer?). Poor guy seems stuck in a hopeless situation without any hope of redemption. It would be interesting to see a story from Snips and Snails' perspective. They seem to have drawn fannon's short-straw, ending up as everypony's butt-monkey punching bags with the social skills of a paraplegic cinder block. They could use to have their respective characters and backgrounds fleshed out. I believe there are some untapped possibilities there...
This has been absolutely funtastic, and I am all about a sequel for this. Can't go wrong with a little more debauchery, can we?
1392417
...
... I am okay with this.
1392545
I don't know about the critique, but I have read a lot of FIM fanfics, some of them very good. Like, "real literature" good. But I have never read a fic, that could so easily be humanized and turned into a screenplay for a comedy of the Judd Apatov variety. Yeah, yeah, I know that this is supposedly based upon the Ferris Bueler movie. But the similarities are pretty vague, and I don't think it would be plagiarism. So maybe You should consider trying to do just that...
And there was another party the next week, after everyone had time to sober up and get over their various crises.
Ah, that hollow feeling. Like I've just watched an incredibly fulfilling movie/anime, or just beat a truly gripping RPG, and now need something to fill the void... how I loathe it. Now I need to hunt down a new "drop everything for a chapter update of this story" story. Wonderful work, Mr. Finley. I'll promote this story with every fiber of my being whenever the opportunity presents itself. It's rather under-appreciated, and that simply won't do. Well, waiting for that sequel.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist.
1394388 What he said. Mr. Finley, you told me you struggle with endings. If this is what's on the other side of that struggle, I wouldn't mind you ending all of your stories, just to read something this ... spectacular.
All the threads were weaved up, although I felt that Pip finding every single person he wanted to clear the air with just walking around town or waiting calmly for him. But what I DIDN'T mind was that little one-on-one with Snips. I mean... if someone had told me those things when I was a teenager, I would have had things so much easier.
Also... Scoots X Pip. Kinda obvious after the rescue, but nevertheless, if there was anyone I would have wanted Pip to end up with, it was her. They really complement each other, and unlike some of the pairings in the story might actually last a bit longer. Also the Doctor X Twilight. I bloody called it. I bloody well called it. Right as I was reading them leaving the two alone in the library and going to make cocoa together (nice symbolism there, kids make cocoa while grown ups do grown-up things, tehee). Too bad several of the storylines ended in absolutely the way I thought they would, which is kinda the problem with last chapters: Either you pull a tomato surprise out of your ass, or it will just be the logical conclusion to the events at hand.
For something as unoriginal a premise as "teenagers hang out. stuff happens" this was perfectly executed, resulted in a nice look into teenage society (leaving no ugly subject untouched), contained well thought out life lessons and also had a magnificent bastard as a main character/narrator, who actually grew up a lot during the night. Let's hope he remembers that stuff when she's doing the Poontang Mambo with Scoots.
.
PDO is now one of my favourite stories on the site, and will stay that way for a long while. For the most part, It felt like I was watching a well directed movie than just reading the book, because of all the descriptions and colourful language. I hesitate to give it a full 10/10 because of the few problems I outlined earlier, but a solid 9 will do.
This was quite simply fantastic; the humour in this was brilliant and some of the turns of phrase you came out with were some of the funniest things I've read - and the news that there will be sequels has just about made my day!
Congratulations on ending a multi-chapter fanfic, Chuck, and in such a fantastically executed fashion. Especially liked Pip and Snail's segment along with Scoot's thoughts on Sweetie's self-righteousness - good stuff.
My only criticism is how neatly everything wraps up - with Pip managing to settle issues with pretty much everyone, as much closure as that adds, it does feel a little bit too artificial. That said though, still enjoyed it and can't wait for future sequels, no matter what type of material they include.
1392417 they better be cloppy with all that shipping
this has been such a great, fun story. super pumped that we're going to see more of this set of aged up characters :D
Well the ending is sadly here but I am 100% satsified with how it ended. Despite the shift in tone it was still funny, charming and wrapped very nicely for just about everyone.
DoctorxTwilight?
yeah somebody needs to pick up the phone....BECAUSE I FUCKING CALLED IT!!
ScootsxPip, I fully support and I canNOT wait for the sequels. Because I can easily tell those two would wreck each other.
PDO is is easily. One of my alltime favorite stories here on the site. Its funny, relatable, charming, and has a lot of heart.
out of 5 moustaches.
Definitely worth
Keep up the great work Chuck and I can't wait for more.
All you needed was a Chris Tucker pony to amble by, get in Shady's face and declaim, "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE BUCK OUT!"
Oh lawd, a treat from start to finish.
lol. I see what you did there
Nice finale! Congrats on a story well done!
PS: Present tense still weird
Boozed, got high, committed several illegal acts, part of the cause of a riot, got into a fight, did some soul searching, ended up in a girls bed.
For some, it was the most important day of their lives.
But for Pip, it was Friday night.
And the XCMC plus Spike to the rescue, hell yeah! With an Apple Cannon. An Apple Cannon.
There we go, a little catharsis and a little action for Pipsqueak.
Sequels? Yes please.
Looks like Pip's going to get some
HOO!
Scootalove.
'Scoots, stop reading Foalita in front of Mr. Cake'
Was this inspired by a certain Gavalanche picture?
MORE! MORE!
I really loved the ending. The fight was intense. The thing may be full of curse words, but the emotion is there, and we could actually learn and reflect things while reading. I really love it, and sad to see it end. Aw well.
How are we going to know of the sequel, by the way?
Will you add a new chapter here?
1402792
No, but I'd love to see that picture if you have a link?
1404347
I'll post links here.
1404750 Here you go. It's not work-safe, however.
Wow. Great fuckin story.
Can't express that enough.
Well written, hilarious, and touching.
Thank you so much for putting this out. I've really enjoyed having something nice to look forward to reading when I get home from work, and this has been just great. Thank you again, you rock.
Applebloom and the Engineer may have more in common than we think. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Applebloom_lolface.png
This is the best thing I've read in a long while. SO HYPED FOR THE SEQUELS!!
Awesome fic, loved the style of it and Pip's English pov (which as an english brony is enjoyable to read when done right, which it was) and I genuinely laughed out loud at times! Great characterisation of the characters, well known and less so alike.
Would love to see another fic in this 'universe' and style. I know there will be cloppy sequels, which are fine, but another chaptered story would be appreciated too, when and if you are so inclined.
Regardless, thanks for a great read!
Perhaps the best thing about this chapter was that it made me imagine Rainbow Dash as Judge Dredd. In any case, a great denouement. Now to read the sequel!
Winning.
I can't believe it took me so long to find this story. I'm really glad that "Your Antagonist" pointed me here.
This was a great read, although I'll admit I was a bit sad that the Ménage à cinq didn't work out, perhaps that should be an event for a sequel
Thanks for the great story, and now I'm gonna go read through more of your stuff.
EDIT: BTW I love your name
Bruce Campbell is what keeps me coming back to that show every time.
this is the best fanfiction i have ever read, and i have read ALOT of fanfiction. seriously this was amasing you mad me red with anger at shady daze one moment and blue from trying to catch my breadth between laughs the next. you sir are an artist
I GO!
My, what a read! You've done something fantastic here, and I can't wait to read more. I'm still puzzled and, quite honestly, jealous you were able to give this story a moral. Excellent work.
On another note, there were a couple of misspellings that really stood out. If you like, and if you remind me, I'll do back another time and find them again for you. Right now, I need some sleep so I can wake up for school in five hours.
Ah, youth.
You have no idea how much I freaking love this story, and your Pip!
imageshack.us/a/img442/794/ifuckinglovethisfic.jpg
You're a genius. Even though I pretty much hate any drug or alcohol use, this is a brilliant story.
It's messing with my head. It's perfect. Nothing is extraneous. It's all so tight. Every single thread is tied up, and they all feel essential. You made me sympathize with the hero and his friends. I was invested in their struggle. I felt a deep sadness when Pip was denied his CMC three-way, and I was really concerned when the band of laddish assholes appeared to have Pip by the balls.
Someone should give you a medal for the apple cannon TF2 reference.
I feel like I can't even write a review that does justice to this monument to well-meaning adventure and debauchery you've built. It's that good. It makes me feel as though I haven't lived enough. Keep doing what you do. If you wrote an original story, I'd probably buy the shit out of it.