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since you became a brony, have you ever dreamed of going to Equestria?
NO!
Because if you do get sent there, it's usually for a reason...
And it's not usually a good one.
On hiatus for the time being, I'm working on a crossover and a one-shot, if you wish, check them out while your waiting for the hiatus to end.
Good story concept there kiddo. But holy shit you're gonna get flammed like a mother.
Why you ask? Because:
1: Wall of text, double space paragraphs there chica, nobody's gonna wanna have to climb the chinese wall to get a glimpse at the story
2: Pacing. Introducing your main character, and having her BEING the chosen one instead of FINDING out she's the chosen one took a whole lot of suspense and mystery out of your story.
3: YOUR CHARACTER IS AN ALICORN.
You should feel lucky, I'm not normally in a good mood. But I'd suggest doing a re-write before the red meter goes up like it's soviet russia all over again.
Just to give you fair warning, your story might get flamed because of your character being a unicorn, your method of reaching Equestria is very cliched, and your character seems to be a "chosen one," an attribute commonly given to Mary Sues. On the other hand, your grammar is actually pretty tight and you've made the smart decision of not making this a conflict-free fantasy fulfillment which too many people seem to take nowadays.
What I would suggest now is longer chapters, and also, you mentioned that there are other humans turned ponies in this world. Flesh that out some in the next chapter; it sounds like a really important plot element. Keep it up.
P.S. If you're getting a compliment from Mr. Ignorable, you should consider yourself blessed.
Don't worry, I am planning to make sure Fire's life isn'y mary sueish.
I hate Mary sues too.
But I need to keep her alive too.
The reason she's the chosen one is that I needed a reason for CloudShade to want her to join with no rejections. And Prophecies are a cool story element in my book.
Don't worry, this is only the first chapter. Thing will get intense. (Heavy Gore, Death, Romance, Swearing, that kind of thing.)
>>856311 Look, I love Warriors, but I used Fire Star as a name for a wolf character I would draw before I read Warriors. And read some of the other comments, I explain the prophecy. If I didn't do that this story would be crap. Think about it. It'll be like Fire has mind control to make CloudShade trust her.
Hey there, Sw1tch!
This is actually not bad, and definitely better than most 14 year olds I've seen. I'll keep an eye on it.
One suggestion I have is that you should show us a bit more of what's going on in Equestria before you get the story rolling along.
What is exactly is Celestia doing that is so bad? Remember, you said "Equestria isn't a safe-haven. It is a living HELL." That's a really bold statement. Let us SEE how bad Equestria is.
Are there camera's and guards spying on everyone? Has Ponyville become a slum with run-down and boarded up buildings? Are "unpatriotic" ponies being publicly executed in the streets? Are the races being segregated? Are ponies having barcodes tattooed on their foreheads? Are ponies being forced at swordpoint to worship big golden idols of Celestia? Is Celestia using the sun to torch the countryside and turn Equestria into a fiery wasteland?
For all I know, Fluttershy and Lightning Strike could be part of some radical anarchist movement that's trying to dethrone the loving and compassionate queen.
I suggest you write a scene where Fire Star is exposed to something horrible, and discovers how bad Equestria is on her own, without simply being told that by other characters. Instead of having Fluttershy just tell Fire Star that Celestia is evil, show us some evidence of Celestia's corruption.
For example, maybe Fire Star sees the guards are shaking Fluttershy down for protection money, or arresting her for arresting her for being "unpatriotic."
Keep going! 
It's a great story concept and, to an extent, original. There are some convection errors as well as grammar issues but those are small. The big thing that got a hold of me was the style of the paragraphs. I seemed more like a structure to a poem then a chapter. I know some books and stories have this as an intro but it's only s paragraph to two long.
Other then that it's a great concept and hope to see more.
Sweet. My weapon of choice would be...
Or
Diamond sword!!
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and great story everything was great just needs to be longer
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