Generous Trancing

Fancy Pants invites Rarity to spend time with him.

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TheKissoftheVoid

TheKissoftheVoid #1 · Dec 18th, 2016 · 10 · · Waking up ·

Okay. Right off the bat, I have to say this: this story doesn't seem to have a point. That's not to say there was no point in writing it, but, what's the pay off? There's not really any good reason for Fancy Pants to hypnotize Rarity, and the result of that hypnosis is, well. . . pretty much nothing. He just puts her in a trance, she takes a brief nap, wakes up, and goes on her merry way. Since there's nothing to indicate that she was already in Canterlot, it seems safe to assume that she came all the way from Ponyville just for that. That comes off as extremely contrived. There's no conflict, and thus no resolution. No issue, and thus no answer. The hypnosis isn't even a plot device. It's just kind of there for the sake of being there.
Apart from having no point, the hypnosis can barely be called that. The induction is only a few sentences long, and even that is pretty boring, with only a basic description of what's happening. As a big fan of hypnosis, I was pretty disappointed. One of the best aspects of any hypnosis/mind control scene is the process of the subject succumbing, be it willingly or unwillingly, to the lure of the hypnotist's influence. Lacking that just drives one more nail in the coffin of reasons for including hypnosis in this story at all, which is a bigger problem than usual because that is the entire story.
The dialogue is extremely thin. It doesn't feel like Fancy Pants and Rarity are the ones talking to each other, because their interaction has nothing that characterizes either of them. Both ponies feel flat and generic, not like the interesting and dynamic characters we know from the show. When you're writing dialogue for a canon character, always try to bear in mind, is this how this particular character would say this? Is this the way they talk? Is this the way they act? That'll help you make any character interactions much more interesting and believable, no matter what the story.
On a related note, I question the use of the romance tag. While effectively lying down in Fancy's lap might be considered intimate, there's nothing that suggests that there's anything romantic about doing so, and that's the only thing that could even be stretched to hint at romance between the two. Nothing else in the story implies that they're an item, or even attracted to each other.
You really need to put this in front of at least one proofreader/editor. Throughout the story, there's a lot of grammatical and punctuation errors, the most common of which I noticed were run-on sentences. The story begins with one sentence that should really be two:

Fancy Pants was waiting in his house for Rarity, he invited her to spend time with each other and try something on her.

That should go something like:

Fancy Pants sat waiting in his house. He'd invited Rarity over to spend some time together, particularly because he wanted to try something on her.

That would at least be more grammatically correct. However, it would still be subject to the single biggest problem throughout this story, which I'll now address.
This fic didn't feel like a full story. It felt like more of an outline. What you need here are details, details, details! Something to fill out the skeleton that is the structure. What is Fancy Pants doing to kill time while he waits for Rarity? Where did Twilight and Fancy Pants happen to meet up when Twilight told him about the incident with Discord. Why in the hell is Twilight spreading the knowledge of how to hypnotize ponies (that one came off as extra contrived, unless it was justified by some kind of exposition, i.e. perhaps he and Twilight have become close friends since they met at Twilight's birthday)? If he's worried that she's going to be upset by his desire to hypnotize her, how is he planning to justify it? With just those three questions, you could turn the each sentence in the opening paragraph into it's own paragraph, padding out your story and adding interesting details along the way.
I know that I've railed on about this story's problems, and I think it's important to say that I don't dislike the concept. The idea of Fancy Pants wanting to hypnotize Rarity is a rather intriguing one, and could go in all sorts of different directions depending on why he wants to hypnotize her, how he plans to pull it off, etc. You just need to step up the execution of the story several notches. Study the work of authors whose stories you like, try to analyze what it is you like about them, and emulate it. Add details that add character. Write interactions in such a way that the characters involved are portrayed accurately. Finally, find an editor to help you iron out the kinks, and always go through at least a couple of times yourself to try to comb out what errors you can.
Best of luck in your future stories!
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Arzoo