7 - Pony SOAP Opera
"What do we say?"
"Ugh, that stuff tastes horrible!"
Pinkie forced my head around, staring very hard into my eyes. I think I've mentioned this but she can get really intense when she wants to. Except this time, she had a definitely crazed look. While her very, very angry eyes filled my vision, I noticed something out of the corner of my own that caused a lump of ice to hit my stomach.
Her hair was straight.
I know what happened last time this occurred and I did not want to end up in any cupcakes, brownies or other baked goods. As creepy as the ponies are, I could laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. It was all so surreal that, despite my attempts at going home, I wasn't treating it all as something that was really happening to me. Like a dream. This, though, this was terrifying and oh-so-very real. It had gone into 'wet pants' time a good while ago but I had done all that already and was feeling really parched. I instinctively swallowed, gagging at the taste. It was so thick going down my sore throat.
... get your damn mind out of the gutter, what is wrong with you?
"That's not what we say." Her voice, despite the anger in her eyes and the slight shivering I felt in her hoof as she held my head still by a very sore ear, was calm and level. I don't think it was a good sign. No, no it was not a good sign. "What. Do. We. Say?"
"I, I'm sorry I called you a bitch and a cunt and - ow," I stammered out the beginnings of an apology only to have it cut off by Pinkie's hoof slipping down to grasp an ear. Pony ears are very sensitive turns out. It felt like someone was grabbing my, er, something else except without the stomach-turning that such a pain usually produced.
"You don't have to repeat the words, young stallion. What." Yank. "Do." Yank yank. "We say?" Hard pull.
Coughing weakly through the soap foam, I tried to curl up into a ball. Her hoof on my ear kept me from getting very far. The door to the rest of the hospital was closed and I had been a jerk thus far, so I really don't think my screams would gain much attention. Especially since I had been screaming and ranting every couple hours and no one had checked up on me yet. I was alone with a very irate and unstable Pinkie Pie.
"I don't want to die," I whispered, my own eyes probably pin-pricks to hers. Absently, I felt kinda sad I'd never gotten the chance to see the colors of my new eyes. I bet it was something boring, like blue - ice blue eyes staring at me - but I'd still like to know. At my mumble, Pinkie's brow furrowed as if she hadn't heard me quite right.
"What?" Her voice was still very level, though I could hear the confusion in it. Some small part of my mind golf-clapped. I managed to confuse Pinkie Pie. I did two impossible things today, good enough day to die during I suppose. I was very tired, I realized. Tired, hungry, scared and a bit chilly from sitting on the bland pea-green tiles of the bathroom. To hell with masculinity!
"I don't wanna die!" I blubbered like a 9 year old through the foam ... I really hope that was just the situation and I wasn't somehow regressing in age. That would be weird. Of course, 'weird' barely described everything I had gone through that day. Something more like 'torturous' or 'monstrous' would fit better. "Please don't kill me or put me in cupcakes or try to make a stuffed animal out of my skin or anything! I don't even have a cutie mark for your dre-e-e-ess!"
As soon as those words left my li-muzzle, the grip on my ear vanished. Through my tears (and hooves because, let's face it, I didn't really want to see anything coming by that point in time), I could see Pinkie looking at me with a horrified expression on her face.
"Wha-hey, I'm not gonna kill you. I'm not even gonna hurt you!" I found myself being cradled in her forehooves as I let loose with a wailing that would put banshees everywhere out of a job. I had a really, really stressful day up to that point and I was only in Equestria for a few hours at most. Well, a few hours while conscious anyway. Crying helps, or so I've heard.
And that was when Counselor Meadows showed back up.
After a few minutes of me blubbering and Pinkie's stammering explanation as to why she was cradling a soap-faced youngster on the bathroom floor - with me trying to help through the crying and the sniffling - I was taken to the bed that had become a damned fixture in my life. Two nurses, a doctor and that white unicorn were all called in along with the downcast Pinkie Pie and I got to see a side of Ms. Meadows that I don't think was her best.
"The hay is wrong with you ponies?! " She paced furiously in front of the five pairs of downcast eyes. "This poor colt is obviously disturbed and probably has been lashing out in sheer terror and you idiots go and make things worse trying to treat him like some kind of delinquent!"
This was going to end very badly for everypony involved. And I felt fucking terrible about it. If I hadn't been a huge idiot and a jerk, none of this would have happened. What the hell me, I tantrumed over a smoke?! Tried to escape? Yelled out curses words willy nilly? This would not do at all.
"Uhm, Ms. Meadows?" I squeaked. Yes, I squeaked. Though I felt queasy from the soap-based discipline I had to do something! It's not their fault they were treating an adult like a child. I looked like a child! My mistakes are my own and I am not going to have four ponies chewed out over my own stupidity.
The universe had other plans.
"In a minute dear." I was waved at absentmindedly by the still fuming Meadows. "While I would agree that his language is foul and unnecessary, he's probably just trying to be an adult as he saw them from whatever hellhole he had to go through. The actions of the staff and visitors here has been deplorable!"
"Ms. Meadows!" A few of the currently-being-chewed-out ponies risked a glance my way, including the still distraught and obviously very unhappy Pinkie Pie. I - me, a guy that couldn't even stomach his asshole of a boss being upset at him - made Pinkie Pie upset. I am officially the worst pony. The only thing worse would be to make Fluttershy cry and, ya know what, I think I saw that happening if I didn't get my act together.
"I said in a minute." I noted a rising tone of annoyance in her voice. Good sign, I think. "There will be no more soap-based punishments, regardless of how bad his language gets, am I clear? No 'whoopings,' paddling or any physical punishments of any kind will be tolerated. This young colt has been through enough and we do not need to be adding to his distress through-"
Yeah, you know what universe? Go fuck yourself.
"Ms. Meadows!" I tried to bellow. It came out more of a wail complete with voice cracks and whines. I didn't think I would ever get used to this body. But, hey, at least it got their attention right? With an exasperated sigh, she finally turned to look at me with a forced grin.
"YES, Bruce?" Turns out some ponies have slightly pronounced canines.
"Uh, uhm, I don't want anybo-anypony to get in trouble, Ms. Meadows. It's my fault, uhm, about everything." Wow. Trying to confess to wrong doing while being stared at (hungrily) was hard. After a moment of blank blinking, the mare shook her head.
"Yes and no, Bruce. You have been a naughty colt but I can't really blame you. After ... what you've been through, I don't think any foal would be, uhm, nicer. But these ponies are adults. They should be more respectful," she cast a hard glare at the four who suddenly took an extreme interest in the floor and walls, "and gentle. Especially with a dama-er, confused colt like you."
"But Ms. Meadows, I -" she cut me off. Rude much? Also, thanks for your high opinion of my lifestyle, Meadows. Really.
"Ba, ba, ba, ba! I wont hear anymore of this. These ponies have been very mean to somepony of your delicate nature and it will not stand." With a semi-sweet smile, she turned back to the four other 'adults' in the room. "I think I've made myself abundantly clear. Dr. Horse, is the patient fit?"
The muffin-maned doctor opened his mouth to say something, thought better given his audience, and just gave a sad little nod. Meadows nodded enthusiastically.
"Good! Come on Bruce. it's time to get you into a more settled environment." I tumbled off the bed and, with a gaggle of suddenly very concerned ponies tagging along behind me, followed Counselor Meadows. As I passed through the door, I had a sudden chill.
Foreshadowing and I never really got along.
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Well... If you spent a lot of time on the internet, especially /b/, than you'd be all kinds of messed up too.
Good chapter.
Wow. This story started out as a zany wacky fun fish-out-of-water HiE story, but it seems to be developing into something surprisingly deep. I'm glad that Bruce is finally starting to realize what a doofus he's being and it'll be very interesting seeing his thoughts when the reality of his situation sinks in further.
god damn cant this bitch JUST LISTEN TO THE KID
POST MOAR
please
Woot. 200 faves, 130 ups and only 5 downs. I'm amazed. This was supposed to be my side project.
I need to write more.
Better be careful Bruce, she knows where you sleep. th06.deviantart.net/fs71/300W/f/2011/363/3/5/pinkamena_diane_pie_by_thepanther17fan-d4knw7n.png
This story... YES
"...and ponies are hella creepy when you really thing about it."
I believe "think" is the word you're after.
861556 She can always pull out a middle primary.
Well Bruce, have fun in your new home.
Hopefully it's with one of the mane 6 because then you can go with Plan-MF and make them at least consider you might be telling the truth.
Plan-MF or Plan Mind Fuck-
Tell them the truth about them being in a made up T.V. show in your world and back it up by telling them only something they would know.
Not the best plan but the easiest to get them to think you're telling the truth... if you don't brake them that is.
AWESOME!
936000 Nope. This kid is young, inexperienced, and traumatized so most of the time he has no idea what he's doing or saying... or some bullsh*t like that.
I loved that scene with Pinkie. Part of me thought it would just end with her leaving chipper, so the surprise of seeing her go "Pinkamena" like that with Bruce losing his nerve was awesome. The whole It had gone into 'wet pants' time a good while ago was a sweet line by the way.
I'm liking how competent Counselor Meadows is. Normally, in comedies the authority figures are bumbling/foolish, so bucking that trend and making things funny around a serious authority figure instead of making them goofy just enhances the story more since it's more original. Also, considering the face scrunch thing (wolf like face) a few chapters ago when introducing Pinkie, and now saying she has pronounced canines, Miss Meadows has some funny characterization going on overall. Since it paints a wildly different picture for Bruce from her actions versus how he visually perceives her. Not sure if that was intentional or not.
This is also one of the few stories where whenever I try to predict whats next, you blow whatever I come up with right out of the water. I love it. I have almost 7 million words under my belt, and 40+ incomplete favorites in my list I'm awaiting new chapters for, and this is the most anticipated story in that list. For that, I say thank you for writing something so cool, and also have to say darn you! Because dealing with anticipation sucks.
Listen to Helen Lovejoy!
Think of the Childen!
936291
Inverse gender roles. Sweet, innocent little colts that like sports vs. the rough and tumble little fillies that like scooters and, for some reason, flowers.
935966
By the decree of "Rules of the internet" I declare you guilty for breaking the following rules.
Rule #1 Do not talk about /b/.
Rule #2 You do NOT talk about /b/.
For your crimes I sentance you to....
LAME PUNS.
Here have some Pie
blogs-images.forbes.com/carolpinchefsky/files/2012/03/pigraphic.jpg
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IF you are planning to hire a lawyer then remember the following.
"All your carefully picked arguments can easily be ignored.
Anything you say can and will be used against you.
Anything you say can be turned into something else. - fixed"
936230
936117
Fixed them both. Thanks. Also, curse IE for not having spell check. Not that I use IE anymore, though ... and how did I not catch that one in the story description? Weird.
why u no update sooner?!?
936048 Cupcakes. I should get that interdimensional mailbox up and running so I can show her one of the most famous fanfics of all time!
all my yes belongs to THIS continue to please meeeee
Ohh this one sure is one of your best chapters.
I'l take my hat off for this one, nice work on Pinkie Pie by the way. *takes of hat*
936152 Well, whether-or-not he goes to live with one of the Mane 6 (I'm picturing Applejack actually, it just sort-of fits, you know?), he DEFINITELY won't be sent to live with Lyra. She would just encourage his little "I'm actually a human." "delusion".dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_cry.png
936590
I know what you mean about Applejack, I thought of her first at being the best option, but then I thought about it.
I don't know why but I get the feeling that if Bruce went to her, she would punish him SO much worse then the doctors and nurses. Basically I think AJ would skip the soap and move straight to the paddle, I just get that vibe from her character.
If it is one of the mane 6 then I think that Counselor Meadows would pick Fluttershy since she wants Bruce to be away from anypony that would punish him. I don't know, just my two cents really.
But I think Lyra would be fun!
936666 Good point.
I disagree on the aspect of Fluttershy for the reason that Counselor Meadows might doubt that Fluttershy would be able to handle all of the swearing. She probably could handle it, she's a lot stronger than anypony really ever seems to give her credit for, but still...
Lyra would definitely be fun.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
936666
936590
Don't forget, this is a comedy. A little whoopin' never hurt anyone! Well, except the person getting smacked but, eh, they deserved it, right?
936725 True, and as humans we are a bunch of sick puppies who find pleasure in watching and laughing at other people's pain (and on occasion our own).
Swearing for Bruce, and saying that someone deserves to get smacked for you.
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936725
Yeah but I was thinking with logic, now if I was thinking with comedy...
He would end up going to each one only to get kicked out after he did something very embarrassing, violent, and/or destructive. Mostly likely driving them to go crazy or act very out of character. Then at the end of it Counselor Meadows has also gone a little crazy.
... And then he gets sent to Lyra and she tries everything she can to turn him into a human and succeeded, then Bruce runs around Ponyville and yells at everypony that doubted him that he wasn't lying and laugh in their faces while doing all the things that they punished him for.
Ah, So thats what happens when you swear at a pinky pie.
I wonder if he will fart bubbles?
Great chapeter as usual, and almost 2k words too.
I forgot he was a fan of MLP for awhile, but it's understandable how he broke down in front of Pinkie Pie. I just hope he doesn't stay that way too long, i'm a firm believer that men shoudln't cry
. Call me old fashioned if ya will.
936036And this was only a side story!
I can only imagine how good it would've been if it was your main.
As always looking forward to more.
P.S. Agreed, I find that foreshadowing can be a bastard sometimes. Especially if you notice it before you do someting dangerous. Like lighting your hand on fire...
I liked the emotional breakdown
Ok, this is good stuff. I'm giving this a favorite and a vote-up.
'Poor' little 'colt'!
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ct.fra.bz/ol/fz/sw/i53/5/6/19/frabz-what-if-i-told-you-i-dont-give-a-fuck-7017c1.jpg
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Lovin the story man keep them updates coming!
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I was thinking about the comment on fillies being rough and tumble with their scooters and flowers thing you said there and had a thought where it makes sense in a way. Here, cooking (professionally) and gathering food has always been male dominated, and in Equestria, flowers are a big part of the menu. It's almost like 'hunting' (picking flowers) or raising livestock for slaughter (tending to flower beds), just you know, herbivore style. Those heartless fillies, coldly taking the life of the precious plant they tended to so lovingly not moments before.
It would also explain why there aren't any stallions with food type cutie marks. Big Mac and Braeburn harvest apples, not kill the plants/trees, so they'd be an exception. "Stallions just don't have the heart to love something knowing they'll have to end it, those sensitive souls. This here is mares work."
Anyway, just a funny thought there.
937059
What if I told you.
Stealth bees.
Also one of the biggest rules of the whole internet. Which actually is good and should be followed
"rule # 14: Do NOT feed the trolls. It means that they win"
Bruce if you want Pinkie to believe you just retell her everything you know about her through the show. A colt with that much intimate knowledge would help her understand...maybe.
This is a comedy though so the answers are never that easy.
937177
Mr. Cake, Pony Joe ... the entire Apple Clan. That one griffon from the M-M-M-Mystery Express.
Snails. Escargot anyone?
In the early tribal era of humanity, hunting was the 'male' job whereas gathering was the 'female' job. It allowed the females to care for screaming kids without needing to worry about being silent, stalking prey, or having to be away from a larger pack of humans. At least, that's how I figure it. It was only with agriculture and the need for heavy manual labor (as well as other trappings of civilization that women could focus more on) that food-production shifted into the 'man's job' it was seen as for a while.
I'm still trying to balance the humor of 'women are men OMG' and 'must protect the males' with a more sensible and logical understanding of male hormonal effects (aggression, mostly) and the need to care for children.
It's hard.
I love this story, and my computer is being silly so I may or may not have already posted a similar comment on this chapter, idk, so anyway, this story is awesome and you should feel awesome.
Look up 'Horse Behaviour' on Wikipedia sometime, specifically 'Role of the Stallion'. It's the lead stallion's job to fight off predators, competition for his mares, etc. It's riskier than the role of the mares in the herd. Which is why fandom gender portrayal cracks me up sometimes.
It was great to see fanon!Butcher!Pinkie meet a more canonical version, and to see Pinkie's horrified reaction. It was also great to see a counsellor who is competent for once.
You should have Celestia or Luna somehow take an interest is his case. Then the fit should realy hit the shan.
Either way.....
The Angry Brony approves
I have to say I'm pleasantly surprised with how well this is turning out.
When I first saw this fic in the update portion of the featured box, I thought the basic premise sounded familiar. My own fan-fiction Displaced started out in a fairly similar manner—protagonist is an adult male, late 20s-early 30s, wakes up in Equestria in the form of a pony colt, has issues explaining that they aren't 'from here'—so I became curious as to the content. Luckily, the similarities have been blissfully slim.
While I was initially put off by the Brony in Equestria aspect, I began to look past it in favor of the actual writing. Aside from a few typos here and there, your writing style is solid—always a plus in my books. Your humorous portrayal of the Bruce blends wonderfully with the serious nature of Counselor Meadows.
My only real gripe regarding this fanfic is the incredibly short nature of the chapters. It's enough to whet my appetite, but it just leaves me hungering for more.
Cheers on beating the odds and having a decent Brony in Equestria fic on your hands.
Bad Bruce, you made Pinkie a sad, sad pony. Seriously though I woulda broken down and started crying a looooong time ago.
You know, I think the counselor is mostly right on her assessment of Bruce.
A very smart young colt is faced with extreme trauma and creates an alternate world/personality to escape it. Humans being to ponies what ponies are to us, fiction. So unless he demonstrates something beyond the grasp of pony kind from our world, rather then "we got this thing that does this, no I don't know how it works", I'll stick with my theory.
Bruce Bannon? What an interesting choice of names. Doesn't he share a name with The Incredible Bulk?
939982
See, now I want to do that. Have all the horrible things of reality be 'but a terrible fantasy' to him. But no, this is just some poor shmuck freaking out because 'suddenly ponies.' He calms down a bit next chapter.
940093
Bruce was a choice I made early but Bannon came from Johnny Quest's Race Bannon. Sounds like a manly-man name to boot which, given the gender-swap roles I'm going to be touching on, will probably be funny once we get more kids involved he can interact with.
"Bruce, we need to do your mane up really nice for school tomorrow."
"...brush it, it's fine."
"Noooo, we need you to look like a prim and proper young colt! Now, where'd I put those ribbons?"
"WHAT?!"
I wonder how awkward school would be for Bruce...
940861
A coincidence, then? Still, can you imagine what the poor councilor would think if she thought he copied the name of an asinus comic-book 'hero' whose special power is turning into an uncontrollable, rage-powered monster when angry or scared- a rage-powered monster who, while empowering, often destroys much of what Bruce holds dear..?
Especially with the little colt's behavior, I think she'd come to some interesting conclusions.
"Foreshadowing and I never really got along."
*Insert ominous latin song here.*
935966
while PieisGood4U may disagree I think you've earned an internet with that comment,
sadly I have yet to come across an emoticon for 'an internet' so have a spike instead
when i read, i try to picture myself as the main character.
part actually had me crying.
god damn, i shouldn't have. the