21 - Frilly Socks Part 3: Son of Frill
We managed to make it to one of the nearby cafes in good time, though I was panting a bit. Mr. Cake is huge! Or at least, his legs are and even with him trying to walk slowly, I was still scampering after him like a puppy grown too large for my feet. We were seated in good order and a large sheet of paper was placed under my nose by one of the most stereotypical snooty waiters I've ever seen. How does a pony even grow a mustache anyway? Biological conundrums aside, there was a more pressing matter to deal with.
"Uh, I can't read this." I poked at the paper ... menu, I guess, with one hoof, trying to hold it up with the other as Mr. Cake slowly tore his eyes from his own menu. We had been seated outside and - except for the colorful ponies wandering about - it would have been a picturesque moment from any small European town. The mid-to-late afternoon light was still bright and I had to squint a bit due to the glare from all the white walls around us. I wished I had some sunglasses. The cafe was full but not overtly crowded and in deference to his other customers, the waiter had placed the 'potentially screaming foal' outside. I didn't know if I should be offended or surprised. Probably both.
"What's that Bruce?" Mr. Cake's question popped my mind back into reality. I didn't want to go, there was a whole lot of pain there. But, well, whatcha a gonna do?
"I can't read wing-ding." I poked the sheet of paper once more, holding it out even further.
"Uh, never heard Unicornian called wing-ding before." He chuckled before scratching his head idly in thought. "Can you read Earth Pony?"
"I call it English, but supposedly yes." I still have no idea how the 'three written, one spoken' thing came about. One writing system not good enough for you, huh? Well fine than. I didn't want to read your stupid books anyway.
"Eng-lish, huh?" He tilted his head, one eyebrow cocked. I nodded in response, trying to keep my smart-ass comments to myself. It was difficult but doable. "Well, this place is a bit fancy so I doubt they'd have Earth Pony exclusive menus. Here, what's your favorite dish?"
"Uh ..." My eyes shot open and I tried to think of a decent vegan dish. Except that was a contradiction in terms as there is no such thing as a decent vegan dish. Mr. Cake noticed my shifting eyes and facehooved.
"Ah, right ... that. Favorite pony dish I mean."
"Uh ..." Still drawing a blank here, brain! Something, anything that would taste decent! As I tried to claw through my memories for the Great and Unknown 'Edible Vegan' dish, My. Cake's face kinda collapsed into a frown.
"... you've never had pony food before?" Nope, hay isn't the biggest hit with those that can't eat it and all. I wanted to say that but I was still trying the whole 'not to be a dick' thing I had going on.
"Well, I've had salad before but, uh, not without ... extras, really." Bacon-bits is the only real food on a salad. Hey, I'm a human not a rabbit, I don't do green things.
"... oh my, well. Hmmm. Let's get you something I think you'll like then."
"Alright." I shrugged. So long as it was edible, I suppose. He motioned for the waiter and - after trying to get his attention a few more times - successfully got a disdaining look. And not much else. "I guess 'fancy' can mean 'aggressively looking to lose all customers' in some dictionary." That got his attention and the stallion - with his nose so far in the air he looked like he was trying to stick it up the sun's butt - sauntered over.
"Very droll, young sir." I try you stuffy little -
"Yes, well. Two dandelion sandwiches with hay fries and a couple hayshakes." Why would you ruin a milkshake with hay?! No, no. Bruce, give it a chance. They had it at the hospital but you were too busy throwing a temper tantrum to give it a try. Here's your chance. It might be decent. It might ... taste like a lawn but who knows? With a tilt of his head, the waiter kind of pranced out of ear-shot and hopefully out of my life.
"So, Bruce, we need to talk." Mr. Cake put on his 'serious face' and leaned towards me slightly. Private conversation in a public restaurant and with all the little signals of 'hey don't listen in' conveniently being broadcast to anypony that wanted to listen in. Golf-clap, Mr. Cake. Golf-clap.
"I thought that's what we were doing." I couldn't help but get a bit smarmy.
"Bruce, I'm serious." I blinked at him. We've had this conversation before and it didn't turn out well then either. "Ergh, Bruce, you can't go running off every time you want to." Oh, this conversation! For a minute there, I thought I was in trouble!
"... yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. I know I ruined the day because of that and -" I rubbed my head sheepishly but was cut off before my guilt-induced brain could natter on too much.
"Bruce, you didn't 'ruin the day' but you did make it more ... hectic. We need to set some ground rules in what is appropriate and what isn't." Mr. Cake ... has jazz-hands. Hooves. By that I mean he likes to talk with his hooves a lot - so long as he was off of them of course. All through this conversation, imagine speaking with someone waving their hands all over the place. The funniest thing was his hooves would kinda twitch while you were talking as if he wanted to help you out.
"... alright." They were mesmerizing. I felt like I was drifting into a nice, pleasant sle-
"Ok, so, when an adult you trust tells you to do something, you do it." That woke me up. And shot ice down my spine. Aside from the whole 'independent thought' that statement tried to murder was the horrifying idea that, as the equivalent to a nine year old little girl on human-Earth, I was now very much the target of basement dweller fantasies and creepy pedos.
"That's a horrible idea." MOUTH SHU-wait, yes. Yes, that was a valid statement to make mouth. Gold star.
"What?" Mr. Cake blinked at me in stunned confusion. Better than regular confusion, I guess.
"Firstly, I don't really trust any of you ponies. Let's be honest here." I smiled and waved a hoof to indicate the entire world. "You guys are nice and all but I'm not really feeling the whole 'in my best interest' thing here." Mr. Cake shook his head and frowned.
"Bruce, Cup and I are your foster parents for the time being. We're responsible for you and if you get hurt or lost, we get in trouble." I rolled my eyes at his blatantly obviously statement. I've been in foster care, buddy, I know how the whole 'blame game' thing works. Er, on human-Earth anyway.
"Well, okay, I get that. But I'm contrary by nature. I can maybe see things like curfew, places I have to go and things like that. I can even understand language censorship and not talking about certain things -" Mr. Cake cut in, again. Had that habit, cutting in during a conversation. With kids at least. Another thing that sucked about being a tiny pony in a land of small ponies.
"Bruce, you can talk to us about anything." That's a lie. Let's prove that fact.
"... have I ever told you how to dress a kill?"
"... what?" From his wide-eyed stare and shocked expression, I don't think he expected that. I glanced around at the other tables and saw at least two eavesdroppers. I smiled wickedly and rose my voice a bit to give them an ear-full.
"It's a lot like surgery or dissection." I used my hooves to trace a line down my torso and up my forehooves, giving a mental image to go along with the mental scarring. "A vertical slice along the abdomen with radiating cuts toward the limbs, usually segregating the limb-flesh itself either for later harvesting or refuse because, let's face it, not a whole lotta meat there. Then, you use the flat of a kni-" By this point in time, Mr. Cake was vaguely grey in the face and seemed to have been put off his late lunch. He held his hooves up to ward off any further conversation.
"ERUGH! Please, Bruce! That's disgusting!" I noted with some satisfaction that he wasn't the only grey-ish face in the area and there were a few more than just two others. Teach them to listen in on a conversation. Can't a girly-man and a guy trapped in the body of a child have a conversation without people listening in?
"...certain things." I cleared my throat and tilted my head in thought. "Hmmm, I bet a dandelion sandwich would be great with some bacon."
"... Bruce, that's enough." Now he was green. Ok, time to let up.
"Just sayin'!" We sat in silence for a while. I wondered if the waiter had to go hoof craft the plates cause it was taking a long time for them to come out with the noms. Eventually, Mr. Cake had settled his stomach enough to continue the conversation. I think we were being pointedly ignored by the gossips by this point.
"Erugh, Bruce. This. This is not a normal thing colts know. Tartaurus, it's not a normal thing for anypony to know." He shook his head in disbelief.
"But I do know it. There's lots I know that could be, uhm, hard to stomach. Like botulism!" Wow, I was getting way too happy talking about sickness and death to an innocent pony. Maybe it was just me being contrary but the looks of horror were just too good to pass up.
"Bruce, please ... I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat." Poor guy. Put it on a bit hard but, uh, I have no excuse. I am a bad person and I should feel bad. Luckily, Snooty McWaiterson trotted up with a tray balanced on his back just in time.
"Excuse me, sirs. Your lunch."
Lunch was eaten mostly in silence. Sure, there were the occasional 'how is it's and 'it tastes like flowers's and such but overall, it was a nice little lunch. Seriously, why do ponies eat flowers? They taste like how you'd imagine them to taste. Flowers. I guess some ponies like bitter or something but not me. Hay was a bit different, more like a bread-y kind of flavor. In a milkshake, though, it was a bit weird. Still, I've had worse. Crickets taste like nothing much but when something wiggles on the way down, I tend to stop eating.
After I finished (and Mr. Cake had picked at his plate for a bit, trying to settle his stomach), I belched loudly enough that a few tables actually looked my way. Eavesdroppers all of them. I gave them an evil grin and that got us our privacy back right quick.
"Ok, so ... what, do we go back and forth like this for a while and hash out what the ground rules are or what?"
"No." Oh right, me being a kid equals 'I don't know what's good for me.' Of course. "The ground rules are: do as we say, come in by dark and ... well, try to be normal." That last one was going to be the 'catch-all' for anything they didn't like.
"Normal is boring and stupid," I grumbled, crossing my hooves and looking away. "I - is that Twilight?" It was! Twilight - in a fancy dress with really nice make-up - trotting in, oblivious to my presence. The dress was slit up both hind legs and cascaded around her ... flanks as she moved. It was a really nice magenta color, a blend of her two hair colors I'd guess. Is that magenta? Anyway, she had socks (why?) and those little booty things on her hooves that glittered. All I could say was any female wearing that dress would be arrested for indecent exposure because it did not cover up a damn thing! The price of having a tail, I guess.
"Huh?" Mr. Cake is a treasure of witty conversation. That I promptly ignored.
"Hey, it is!" My face lit up with joy. Another pony to annoy, how marvelous! Not really, I was just excited to see somepony I knew and in a more relaxed situation. After glancing around a bit, Twilight settled into one of the smaller tables. My face fell. "She's alone. I wonder if she's ..."
"Bruce, what are you going on about?" Mr Cake looked over where I was staring. "The librarian?"
"Why outside?" I knew ponies did that whole weather-control thing and all but wouldn't a date be more romantic inside with candles and wine and crap? As I watched, a cyan blur from the sky caught my eye and I followed it as it landed next to Twilight. "Hey, there's Rainbow Dash. Wait, she's not ..."
Oh. My. God. Twi's a lesbian?! That's classic. Rainbow Dash was obviously set up for a date herself. She was wearing clothes but very few. I'm guessing the more clothes you wear, the more 'sexy' you are here. Or something. She was only wearing some form of sleek saddle and a hairband, both in rainbow colors themselves. Kinda hard to get away from them when your mane is prismatic. I couldn't hear from where we were sitting but Twilight was obviously making small talk with her presumed filly-friend. Or maybe I was leaping to conclusions.
"Bruce?" Again, Mr. Cake trying to get me to pay attention to something boring like 'limits' and 'rules' when something far more interesting was going on. He started to sound a bit irritated but that's his problem.
"Aww man, that's ..." Suddenly, some white unicorn with a blue mane came trotting over to their table and oh man, if I thought frilly socks were bad. This guy. This guy had on this fluffed up lacy neck-piece that ... reminded me of a plow harness but softer. Ok, that makes a lot of sense, actually. If the stallions stayed at home and did field work, of course the 'sexy' stuff would be things that harkened back to those days. I guess. Still, I was surprised he could see around those billowing waves of lace and, er, were those feathers? "And a stallion? Well that's interesting."
"Bruce!" Mr. Cake knocked the table as he shouted, almost spilling my half-finished hayshake. I jumped in response, turning quickly and darting my wide eyes around.
"Whazzat?"
"Leave Ms. Sparkle and her friends alone, we are having a conversation."
"Yeah, but that's normal and boring." I waved my hooves at him dismissively before turning back to the more exciting action across the patio. "This is something interesting."
"Bruce, this is important!" Again, Mr. Cake resorted to raising his voice. Not a true shout but loud enough I think even Twilight glanced around at the noise. Seeing as how this was a fancy place - and getting tossed out on my rump was not something I was too keen on experiencing (again) - I turned away from the curious spectacle of a three-some date thing and back to the quietly fuming Mr. Cake.
"Ok, ok. Sorry, I was just curious." The glare I received told me how close I was to really ticking the baker off and I smiled apologetically. "So we've set some ground rules - barring that whole 'be normal' thing I don't understand."
"Yes, well, now we talk punishments."
"Wha-oh. OH. Ohh ..." Great, and he's mad at me. Good job.
"So, since this is the second time you wandered off - after you were told not to that is - what would you suggest your punishment be?" Mr. Cake leaned back in his chair, giving me an appraising look. Is it common to ask a kid what they want for punishment? Or is this some type of 'let's see what he suggests' kind of thing?
"Well, I'd suggest a quick paddling but I don't think that's on the table." He shook his head, frowning. Not the answer he suspected I wager. "Well, let's say ... grounding, time indeterminate. Any action requiring me to be away from Sugarcube Corner itself requires an adult supervisory presence until such time as trust is regained. That sound about right?" His jaw dropped.
"Uhh, wuh - well, I was thinking no dessert for tonight," he stuttered, his eyebrows leaping at one another as if they were suddenly very angry. Or scared. I shrugged at his words, picking up the untouched glass from his side of the table.
"Well, let's go with that then." I sipped the hayshake nonchalantly. "Mmm, needs more sugar."
After our late lunch - with me trying to watch Twilight and her dates out of the corner of my eye - Mr. Cake and I headed back to the park. It was ... nice, I suppose. Quiet. Peaceful. But there was an itch in the back of my head. Er, metaphorically. Here I was, prancing around and just about being pampered, when for all I knew my wife was going frantic trying to find out what happened to me. And I was no closer to getting home than I was when I woke up in that hospital bed yesterday. Sure, Spike had my back a bit but he wasn't about to stomp on Twilight's wishes to send a letter that ... probably would just get him in trouble, to be honest. I needed something more convincing. I needed -
Child in the face.
"GAHH!" I leapt backwards, thrashing about, as Pumpkin jerked backwards herself. Mr. Cake and I had made it to the park while I was musing over my predicament and I guess the kids didn't like my silence. I sat there, wide eyed and panting, as the twins looked at each other with concern. Mr. Cake had walked off a bit to converse with that unicorn fellow, Popeye or something. Leaving me alone with the two kids. Grrrreat. "Child, I swear, you're going to give me a heart attack."
"You're quiet," Pound said, his saddle now covered in mud. I'm probably going to get blamed for that one, somehow. "Whatcha thinkin' 'bout?"
"Things and stuff." I smiled and nodded. Please no more questions, please no more questions, plea-
"Uhh. What kinda things," Pumpkin asked. Yeah, love you too universe.
"Stuff-like things." The twins shared another look, this time one of those 'really' types of looks kids share when an adult says something that is really stupid. I know it well, having been on the receiving end enough times to know it by heart. Eh, not too concerned about what two kids thought about me.
"... you're weird." In stereo!
"Yes, yes I am." We resorted to silence after that, a nervous awkward silence that can only be properly replicated when an adult is stuck with two children he doesn't know and has no relation to. Or when someone passes gas in an elevator and tries to blame it on a baby without success. I think most of my childhood was spent in that silence. And some more distressing parts of my adulthood. I was fine, in other words. The twins, on the other hoof, seemed to be having a tough time of it. I turned away and tried to tune out their whispered conversation. It did not work.
"You talk to him." Pumpkin.
"No, you." Pound.
"Momma says we have to be nice to him because bad things happened a long time ago." Pump- what? Where did that come from? I fought the urge to turn around and ask because getting in the middle of what was happening was not high on my list of things to do. Right under 'hot poker to the eyeball' actually.
"We, that means you too." Pound.
"You're a colt, you do it." Pumpkin. I was silently pleading with Mr. Cake to hurry up whatever gossip he was busy with so we could get the heck out of here. The sound of two stallions laughing at some joke or other assured me I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.
"So? He acts more like a filly anyway, you do it." Pound. Yeah, I'm a filly-colt thing now. Just leave it alone, kids.
"No, you do it!" Pumpkin. By this time, my eye was twitching in time with the grinding of my teeth. It was not going to end, was it?
"Guys." I sighed and turned to regard the two ... when did it become physical? Why was Pumpkin pulling on Pound's ear with her mouth? Why was Pound on his back with his hind hooves in his sister's abdomen? I shook my head. Some questions are best left unanswered. "Seriously. I appreciate the effort, I really do. But I'm not exactly the nicest of ponies, so just ignore me like you would any silly adult and I think that'll be just fabulous, hmm?" They looked at each other (as best they could, one being on top of the other) and then back to me.
"Why do you try to act all adult-like anyway?" Pumpkin asked, Pound's ear falling out of her mouth. He twisted a bit under her, settling into a sitting position as she stepped to the side and sat next to her brother. Cirque du Soleil could use these two in their act. Yes, I was jealous at how well they could move. I was still feeling stiff-legged.
"I am an adult. A very small one and kinda confused. But I am an adult." I stood as straight as I could and tried to give off an air of authority or competence. It didn't work but I tried.
"You look like a colt to me." Pumpkin said, her brother nodding along with her. I huffed and collapsed a bit. Man, trying to stand 'straight' with that curve in your neck was harder than it looked.
"Yeah, I've had this conversation with Ms. Meadows before. And your father. It all ends in tears, kids." I glanced towards where Mr. Cake and Pocky were now sitting and talking. Mr. Cake noticed my glance and waved with a smile on his face. That jerk. I tried to covertly shake my head but he had turned back to his conversation. This was going to be a common thing, wasn't it?
"We're not kids, we're foals!" Pound's exclamation brought my head back to him and his sister.
"Ehh, yeah ... nevermind. Foals." I face hooved, sighing.
"Soo, what do you like to do?" Pound tilted his head at me, his scuffed and dirty saddle sitting at an odd angle on his back. I can see why Mr. Cake was so adamant about getting him to not wear his 'school' frills. However, his question caught me off guard in its simplicity.
"What?" Just so. I tilted my head opposite his because I'm like that.
"Well, we're gonna be living together for a little bit ... so what do you like to do?" Pound reiterated, his sister nodding enthusiastically. With such a simple and innocent question, what could I do?
"... video games, mostly." I answered, of course. No sense in keeping things a secret. "I write a bit, though not too much to be properly skilled at it. Uhm, that's about it."
"That's boring." Thank you Pumpkin. I find it very intellectually stimulating but, hey, I'm not three. Or six. Or however old you are. "Don't you go out and play games or to the park or something like that?"
"Eh, not really that much on physical activities. I'm kinda a boring guy." The sun was creeping ever-so-slowly towards the horizon but it had not yet hit 'real dusk.' It was barely getting orange. I looked around the park, seeking an escape from the Two Terrors. Nothing leapt to mind. Aside from the two stallions having a gossip-fest and a few trees, the park was just a series of rolling grassy hills in the middle of the town. I had seen a play-area the first time we were here but it was not in sight any longer.
"Wanna play a game?" Pound's voice interrupted my survey. I turned, startled, and blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Well, second thing that came to mind. 'Live or die, make your choice' was not something I wanted to repeat to any kid.
"Livuhh - I mean, depends on the game?" I tried to cover up my little verbal hiccough with a smile. An awkward smile. I think the two were getting used to me a bit because all I got was a pair of rolled eyes.
"How about tag?"
One sweaty hour later, I collapsed next to the still talking Mr. Cake with my sides heaving and my tongue lolling out of my mouth. He turned to me in surprised as I panted, stopping his conversation with Pop-goes-the-weasel or whoever. I hadn't even caught a few words of it but from the blush on the other stallion, I figured it was not really something for young ears to hear.
"Oh my, Bruce. Are you ok?" Mr. Cake rubbed my back, his face a concerned frown. I gasped, trying to choke out words past my parched throat.
"Never. Again. Those. Two. Are. Monsters." Ponies sweat but panting really does help. I tried to stop but my body wouldn't let me.
"Monst-you mean the twins?" I wasn't looking at his face, my own being buried in my hooves, but I heard both worry and a hint of warning in his tone. Mommy-dad doesn't like his kids being insulted. Not that it was that much an insu-crap, I could have just suggested they were rapists for all I knew. Pony slang could be vastly different than human slang, despite our general language being so similar. Something to watch out for in the future. Or maybe to play with.
"They double teamed me." I felt rather than heard a double foursome of limbs trotting up behind me and suppressed a shudder. They've come back to finish the job! My stomach flipped a bit as my lunch tried to find a more comfortable position. I kept it all down but just barely. Remember kids: wait thirty minutes after eating before any strenuous activity.
"Oh my. What happened?"
"Hi Dad!" Pound plopped himself down nearby. I kept my face buried, hoping that old adage 'if I can't see you ...' thing would work. Spoiler: It didn't. I could feel the Beast sitting near me, basking in the glory of his downed prey. "I think Bruce is done playing tag. He's really fast but not as fast as me or Pumpkin."
"Unfair little sh-" I cut that off as I mumbled it, realizing the conversation had stopped. I peeked out from under my hooves. Yup, everypony was looking at me. "Er, yeah. I'm done." Mr. Cake looked over at the clock tower, just barely peeking above the branches of the trees. I tried counting the minute notches but they were too distant.
"Well, we've still got some time." He continued staring at the clock face for a second - I think - before turning back to us. "Why don't you guys do something less strenuous?" I shook my head energetically. No way was I going back out there with those two if I could help it.
"Nope, I'm good!" Way-too-energetically, evidently, as Mr. Cake frowned at me. No, it's not your demon-spawn that's making me afraid of going out there and pretending to be a kid, why would you think that? I faked a yawn poorly and settled in where I was laying. I was a bit too close to Mr. Cake but if I moved they'd shoo me out to face the horror again. "I think I'm going to just sit here and pass out, if that's alright with you."
"... Pokey," THAT'S HIS NAME, "do you mind if ..." Mr. Cake motioned towards me with his head as Pokey grinned.
"No, no. I understand the little ones need attention. I can finish that story later."
"Oh, don't let me stop you. I could probably top it." Great job faking tired, self. You should be an actor.
"Eh, wh-" That caught the unicorn off-guard and he blinked at me confused. I could guess what they were talking about. Come on, I really could top it. That thing about a sheep? Yeah, well, I still owe someone a kick in the rump for managing to sneak that thing into my bedroom. Waking up to that was not fun for me or the wife.
"Ah haha!" Mr. Cake grinned a bit too wide at his friend. "Bruce here is that special colt I was telling you about."
"Oh. OH. Oh." Confusion, to understanding, to ... pity? Concern? What are these ponies thinking about me and how can I make them stop? Pokey looked at me like you'd look at a kicked puppy. Thanks dude, really feeling like an adult now.
"Yeah, I'm special alright." I rolled my eyes at that, ignoring the mounting concern-slash-confusion in Pokey's face. I waved at them offhoofedly. "You two love-birds gossip to your heart's content, I'm fine just laying here hoping that my asthma died when I got stuck in this body." Mr. Cake gave a nervous laugh.
"Eh hehehe. Yes, well ... Pokey! How's your herd treating you these days?" My ears perked up immediately. A chance to get some first-pony accounts of herd dynamics! The nerd inside me was squealing in joy.
"Well, can't complain too much. Berry and Cloud are still getting used to 'not being the alpha.'" Pokey snorted, his tail flicking in annoyance. "Mares and their social standing garbage." Mr. Cake nodded, his face sympathetic. "Still, with Blossom now involved, I think we've got a pretty good team. I could even quit my job at the nursery if I wanted to - and believe me, the fillies are trying to get me to - but I don't know. Me? A househusband? I've been looking for a herd for so long and been independent so long I don't know what I'd do with myself."
"Mmm, do you want to quit?" Mr. Cake's question seemed to throw the blue unicorn for a loop for a moment. He pursed his lips and considered it before answering. Distantly, I heard the shouts from the twins. Mr. Cake glanced about for a moment, his body suddenly tensed, but relaxed as he caught sight of them on the playground. Watching out for his kids, I'll give him that. Kinda felt bad about what I put him through earlier now. Well, more bad.
"Well ... no. No, I like taking care of the little ones. They're such little bundles of joy." Wow, dude. Pokey even did that face-scrunch thing. Even more creepy on a stallion. But at least that kinda gave a good idea about his cutie mark: safety pin for the diapers. Caring for little foals.
"Then don't quit. It's a different world now, Pokey. So mares need to get out of the nine hundreds and into the modern era." Modern? Well, time's different. Years are different. Everything is different. I need a smoke.
"But I hate it when they snipe at each other. If I stayed at home -" Mr. Cake cut him off with a shake of his head, snorting in irritation. Wow. I wonder if they whiny when they - NO! BAD BRAIN, STOP THAT.
"You'd be unhappy." As I fought down some disturbing imagery, Mr. Cake reached out and squeezed his friend's hoof. "A herd is there to make everypony happy. Otherwise, it doesn't work. Those two mares just need to get over themselves and realize why they're in a herd in the first place."
"I suppose." A bit of blessed silence descended on our little threesome of ponies. Those mental images were gone but I could feel my sanity slipping slowly into the Abyss. It was looking at me ... Pokey broke the silence with a smile. "So, you hear about Ms. Belle and her newest ... friend?" I started to hum. This was going to take a while.
After another hour of sitting there listening to the two gossips go back and forth about Ponyville's 'hip' social scene, I learned a good deal. Most mares thought Rarity was a heart-break-mare but no one had ever seen her with a stallion outside of a date, Twilight was sought by a couple stallions because of her connections to the Princess but she knew what they were after, there was this Manehattenite stallion that was the talk of every mare but he was taken (and I noted a hint of jealously in both stallion's tone as they began to pick apart his 'atrocious' attire), this 'new jazz' was all the rage but was not suitable for little colt's ears, and the Mayor's latest stallion stormed out a few nights ago. Oh, and Mrs. Cake was 'doing much better' in some way. I didn't get that and Mr. Cake looked kinda pained when I asked about it. Sore topic, leave it alone.
UnFortunately, it was soon time to pack it in and head on home for a real dinner, family fun time and snuggly beds. That and I had to piss.
"So, Bruce. How'd you like your first day in Ponyville?"
"It was super ... boring." My head dropped at the word boring, being held only a few inches from the ground. Mr. Cake frowned at me, his face pulled into a thoughtful look. Every fiber of my being told me to flee but that would just make headaches for later. All the streets looked the same and - while it was getting late - the magic-time of dusk had yet to arrive. It was that nasty period just before dusk, where the sun is setting and making the shadows all weird but it's still bright out.
"Well, I know what'll make you smile. Tomorrow, Pound and Pumpkin are going to have plenty to do so it'll just be you and me, champ!" Mr. Cake smiled as the twins ran off ahead. I was about to tell them to stay with a grownup when I saw that they were heading for Sugarcube Corner.
"I am a-tingle with excitement." I deadpanned, my eyes on my foster siblings. Mrs. Cake popped her head out of the still open door and waved at us. When her natural foals got close enough, she stepped out and hefted Pound into a gigantic bear hug, ruffling Pumpkin's mane a bit. With him on her back and her daughter prancing about around her hooves, she trotted back into the sugary smelling bakery-cum-home as the sun slowly began to set. It was heartwarming. It was sweet. It was ... erugh, something is wrong with my head because I just hated it.
"Yeah, well, you should be." Sarcasm must be a lost art here. Or Mr. Cake was pointedly ignoring that. I looked up and noticed a gleam in his eyes, a happy gleam. There's that 'flee' instinct kicking in again. "I saw how you were eyeing Pound's school clothes. What say you and I go out tomorrow and go clothes shopping?"
While outwardly I put on the most fake smile in the history of fake smiles (more of a death grimace but I was struggling), inwardly my head was screaming 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'
Edited by Genjen.
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So, this took a longer time than I anticipated. I've been fighting with my muse to keep on task. Maybe I ought to truncate some of my plans to get to the grand finale faster. Eh, we'll see. Also, I have video games I've not touched in months. Pity me, for I have First World Blues!
Or don't, there's more in this world than video games I suppose.
Finally, an update to something! My spamming of f5 have been rewarded, now to actually read it.
Edit: pure genius, that is what this story is. I laughed so hard at the gossiping. I need more of this, so please dedicate your life to writing more so i can have the readings i selfishly want
Also, rainbow a lesbian? Who would have thought?
Wha yay update, nice, thought it might take a while with Black Mesa out
1338197 Wait, black mesa, as in, the remake of half-life 1? Please tell me yes.
Also, I heartily enjoy this story.
Bruce can be an idiot only so long. Does he have no self control whatsoever in real life?
I mean, there comes a point where you get unrealistic with how much of a dick he's being.
Heheheh. Also, pasta with vegetables is usually a safe option, even if it doesn't have meatballs. Of course, I grew up eating either rice and beans/vegetables or various pastas with vegetables. Also, dessert, but since we're talking about meals here...
Which reminds me- you used "desert" in the section on punishments. Memnonic that I've heard, but haven't had to use in some time: you want as little desert as possible, but as much dessert as you can eat. It was catchier in my memories. (Referring to the number of S's in the middle.)
1338188
I think Twilight and Rainbow are actually dating the same stallion, since there is kind of a herd dynamic being discussed here... unless I misread that part...
OH MY CELESTIA!!!! CA-CA-CAN''T STOP LAUGHING!!~!!!! BWAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!
"NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"
Thank you for this brilliant chapter.
Thank you, Minalkra.
Thank you, Genjen.
CLOTHES SHOPING FROM PARENTS.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-wargod
1338252
Yes. At 3.4 gigs, it's a bit of a download.
1338321
Actually, I thought he was being a bit nice here. He and Mr. Cake talked about punishments and responsible actions and then they went to the park where Bruce got his flank kicked by foals even younger than his current body. After that, he sat pretty quietly while Mr. Cake and Pokey had a gossip session because it was better than being shanghaied into another game with the Twin Terrors. Sure, talking about dressing a kill before dinner was a tad mean but it was very effective at getting his point across. 'sides, how many times have you stuck your tongue out to show 'see food' at someone? How else has he been a dick? I'm not saying he hasn't, but I just don't see it.
1338338
Whoops. I'll change it in a second. And that was also mostly me poking fun at the supposed 'tastelessness' of vegan dishes. I actually don't eat much red meat because I just can't stomach it anymore.
1338188 see 1338348
New chapter! *squeeeee!*
YESSSSSSSSSSS! I was REALLY looking forward to this day! I LOVE this story. I really, honestly do. I know it's nothing, but I took the liberty of adding your work to my "considered for top10" list (note that not every well-known and respected story is even mentioned there!)
Anyway,
MOAR!!!!
1338321 From what I saw, while he might have self-control problems in some cases, nothing he did in this chapter was particularly unreasonable. The main mistakes of his that I can see in this chapter, in fact, involve his lack of assertiveness; he could likely exert more influence over Mr. Cake than he's currently doing, which would likely save him future headaches. For instance, in the end there, he pretended to be happy while raging internally, but the proper response there (from my perspective, at least) would instead be to make a counter-suggestion of something he'd rather be doing.
1338181 "Maybe I ought to truncate some of my plans to get to the grand finale faster."
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgI2ZQVyrBo&feature=related]
Yes, update!
*reads*
You know, Bruce could troll some more. He is obviously never going to escape so he can ether accept it and make a life, or go quite mad. Surprised he hasn't gone loco yet.
Pony herds have been explored in the other stories before, if they had kids, what would happen in a custody dispute?
Mrs Cake is 'better'? What could that be, hoping for a reveal, maybe something violent, considering you made her a tank. Maybe she has angry issues and abuses her husband. Since gender roles are reversed maybe there is female on male spousal abuse in Equestria.
1338348 oh, guess i misread that then.
so...... rainbow is a bi? Who would have thought?
Dressing a kill, really!? Why would say that Bruce? Especially since we don't know what creatures are sentient here. Deer might actually have the capacity to talk.
Twilight and RD dating a stallion. Reminds me of Xenophilia a bit.
clothes shopping oh no
Aw how i missed Bruces cries of pain
anywoo happy to see your alright and i hope you can do what you want/need to do and get us some smiles on the side! 
Always glad to see this one update.
A couple of errors:
I was thinking no desert for tonight --> dessert
I wonder if they whiny when they --> whinny
What would have been hilarious is if Brucie had shouted out to Twilight and Rainbow when Mr. Cake told him to act normal. Since, whats more normal than a little kid shouting in a restaurant?
Another giggle-enducing chapter, its good to come home from work and find something of such excellent quality waiting for me. Thanks for helping me unwind at the end of a long day.
I can't wait to see Bruce's strugglings with all the frill and such, and then trying to walk down the street wearing it when Mr. Cake makes him.
I haven't read it yet, but the concept reminds me of "A Dream". I hope it's just as entertaining.
On a sidenote, I should probably mention, at first I wasn't quite sure about this story, when it first came out. You stuck at it, and when I noticed that I was checking for updates on it whenever I came by the site, that's a pretty good indicator that I should be tracking it. This poor sorry ass is in so far over his head he can't see the damn surface from where he's at. The culture shock is masterfully done, and the pony analysis of his situation is equally interesting.
Kudos, bro.
1338181 Id rather you take the time you need and get the whole story out than start cutting it up to get it out faster personally. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_lazy.png
You can't have him submit to cloths shopping, please don't. He's a grown man for god's sake!
Also I can't stop reading this, it's utterly captivating.
Oh come on! Only Spike considers the possibility of truth?
Excellent work, awaiting further releases.
Really great chapter, I like how Bruce is stepping up, he is taking on responsibility and isn't freaking out at every little thing anymore also his barbs, sarcasm, and swearing is becoming more directed and better rather than just spouting out what ever comes to mind he is starting to wait and pick out the proper moment. I hope we get to see some more of the Cutie Mark Crusaders in the next chapter.
1338181 I know that feeling all too well. I've been sidetracked from my writing more times than I'm willing to admit, and the chief culprit is almost always video games compounded with life.
That being said, you probably don't need any of us to remind you to only cut the bits you think the story can do completely without.
Honestly, though, since this is a 'slice of life', I don't think the readers much care about how long it takes for [x event] to occur as long as the journey to said event is interesting and well-written.
This is probably one of the most enjoyable chapters I've read. I do have to wonder something, though. This Equestria you are painting. What place do the transgendered have? Or is this particular instance of Equestria of a narrow-minded variety? Time and time again, I can't help but think that one of his few problems might be alleviated—or at least lessened in some way—if he expressed to his caretakers that he identified more with fillies than colts.
YES, an update, the perfect way to lose sleep!
1338181 I have to agree with Nothing Is Constant and Derpmind. I personally like the slower pace, I think it fits with this story. If this were an adventure story, it'd be moving way too slowly, but it's a character and setting exploration piece, as well as comedy, so I find the pacing excellent.
Ahh, botulism! I bet that would have been an interesting conversation with a baker!!! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png
Also, more info into herd mentality. Interesting.
1338490
You know what's really funny? He never specified what type of carcass he's seen 'dressed.' And the way he used his own body to illustrate things ...
1338455
I figured Bruce didn't want to 'make any more waves' than he already has so he's going along with 'normal colt' things until he eventually blows up at it all. Again. And I can't think of one thing I like to do that doesn't revolve around my computer so I'm stumped as to what he'd suggest.
1338475
(but what part, I'll let you figure out)
1338537
Read the first part of that. Don't remember why I stopped ...
1338571
Glad you stuck it out! And you, uh, don't know the half of it yet. You will, though. You will *INSERT EVIL LAUGH TRACK HERE*
1338599
Welll ... I've always envisioned the technology of Equestria in the 20's at the latest with their society more akin to today's standard. However, their culture is, again, more like the 20's. While it's getting better (Equestria I mean) there are still some aspects that need to be addressed. For example, Pokey almost leaving his job because some in his herd want him to (the stallion should be at home once they have a herd mentality). And it's not just the stallions that have some things to 'live up to,' a mare that doesn't have a career is seen by many to not be a suitable mate. Transgenderism is a rocky topic itself. There are some people in both segments (transgendered and bigots) that scream it's all sociological, others screaming it's biological, and both sides pointing to that as validation of their viewpoints.
I don't know as I want to get involved there.
I will never see Twilight the same again. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
I do have a sore stomach from laughing very hard though.
Bacon and dandelion sandwiches are delicious. First you boil the dandelions to get those nasty allomones out, then you flatten the squishy green mass and toast it in the oven while you fry up the bacon. Toast the bread a bit in the toaster, then stick the whole thing in the oven with some cheese over the bacon. Remove when desired meltiness/toastyness is achieved, combine and serve. Deliciousness incarnate.
1338689
Where does the fresh grass clippings fit in?
Why is this retarded story featured, AGAIN?
1338381
"Here, let me tell you how you cut up an animal I killed! Right before dinner! That's an awesome idea!"
I mean, is his lack of self control a function of the filly body, or of the character itself? I could see the former, but how the hell has he survived in society with the latter?
I appreciate what you're trying to do with the character, but it's been dozens of chapters now and his only character progression is from a confused asshole to very dickish to slightly less dickish. You might want to delve more into why in his human self, rather than in a pony psychology fashion.
Cave Johnson would proud of Bruce's actions when life gives him lemons he doen't make lemonade
1338709
Uhm, updates to popular stories are the three right-most dots in the feature box. New featured stories are the seven left most dots. I hope that helps. Also, that is kinda annoying. When I get home, I'm deleting your comment so the obnoxious use of font size is removed. Or, if it's not too much trouble, could you remove the font sizes so I don't have to do that please?
Oh, and if you thumb down, can you leave a comment as to why? That'd be really helpful.
EDIT: After looking at it, the font size isn't that bad. So I'm not going to delete it. Sorry that I mentioned it. Thank you for leaving it though.
1338711
To answer your question, both. It's a characterization that is accentuated by the physical body. However, giving him more backstory about why he's a dick in his previous life might be a great idea. I will stick that in mind for a later chapter. Thanks!
I have a awesome advice for Bruce denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw7959_small.jpg
So has he actually hunted before or did he know how to dress from the internet (or another source)? If he has hunted before I kind of hope his preferred weapon is a bow/arrow since they actually have those in Equestria.
1338709 If you don't like this story then, why are you here?
Also, typing in caps isn't going to help you.
Search "Ain't That a Kick in The Head" by Dean Martin. I listen to this whenever I read this story. Warning: it is jazz. I love jazz. You might not like jazz, but I like jazz.
Dressing a kill eh? Well it could have been worse. Bruce could have told him about Vlad Tepes.
So stallions are like a time-share in Equestria? Do get to spend a weekend with them first before you buy, or do mare's not wanna deal the the sales pitch
I kid....errr foal, I foal. Seriously though I want to know what they meant about Mrs. Cake! Oh jeeze, I need to go back to studying parasitology or I am gonna fail my test tomorrow. As always, lovely chapter and pony on.
1338849
Dean Martin? I personally am more into 'modern' jazz (triphop I think they call it, sounds like urban jazz to me) like Portishead and the like but oldies like the Edwards Sisters and Roy Brown have their place. But then again, I have eclectic tastes. If you don't mind blusey mountain music, Agnostic Mountain Choir's 'Rainstorms in my Knees' is pretty dang chill.
1338886
John Wayne Gacy. Always good pre-meal conversation. And people wonder why I find clowns creepy ...
You know, the more I see of Bruce the more I wonder how he can fit in in any society or even a relationship. All that snarky "up yours" attitude is fun and playing it for the LOLs is quite popular right now, but I still fail to see any real tries at problem solving. I remember something about family issues from weeks ago, but "rough childhood, woe is me!" will get you nothing, not in Equestria and not on our side of the rainbow.
For a 30-something year old man he is pretty much acting like a spoiled teenager.
1338381
And here I was, thinking this day would never come. Huzzah !
I hope you don't truncate your plans! This is getting really fun and interesting.
1338694
eats would be a gastrointestinal nightmare for a real horse, I'm guessing ponies can eat just about anything, and avoid meat for moral reasons.
Silly pony-man, humans can't eat grass. We only have one stomach, and it takes a whole bunch of 'em to digest something with that much cellulose.
The recipe I provided is something I have eaten before, and is perfectly fine for humans to eat. Seeing as how the sheer amount of pastries the