17 - Of Mares and Men
"Bruce, what are we going to do with you?" Dr. Sight sighed and shook his head. We were sitting in what I think was some sort of living room or something, a place I hadn't yet explored. Well, he was sitting. I was pacing furiously back and forth in front of an unlit fireplace. The decor was very different here than anywhere else. Dark, earthy tones that gave the room a cozy feel. A pair of single doors led alternately to a second stairway upstairs and the front common room. Worn but comfortable rugs, plush overstuffed chairs, a fireplace with a simple yet sturdy mantle. Very homey, very comforting and enclosed. Dr. Sight clearly had other opinions, from how he was grimacing. Still, we weren't here to study the decor.
"Let me go about my business unmolested?" How dare that little brat hit me! I stopped pacing - my limp showing where I had used my right hoof quite a bit more than my left in that little fight - and started to tap my sore limb on the ground, going over the fight in my mind. Hoof, meet face. Face? Meet hoof!
"Uhm, no." Clear shook his head, confused at my little tap dance. "No, that was a major infraction. Fighting? I'd expect that from a filly but -"
"OK! Time out!" I rounded on the psychiatrist and tried to form one of those 'T' symbols football refs use to indicate a timeout. It came out more an 'f' but still. "We are going to clear this up right now."
"Uhm, wha-" Clear backed up a bit, holding one hoof up against his chest as I turned, surprised at my sudden movement. I took a step towards him, anger almost glowing from my eyes. Hell, it could actually have been, this is magical-princess-pony-prancing lands, right?
"First, filly-socks." I took a step towards the good doctor, causing him to lean away from me. "Then, Mr. Cake getting all emotional." Step, lean. "Now, fillies fighting!" Step, lean. "What is this, Bizzaro world?" Step, le- with a small cry, the stallion toppled over onto his back.
"I-I don't understand." He sounded confused. I walked over to his prone body and stood above him, scowling. Actually, I was more trying to hold back a chuckle at his lack of balance but hey, use it to my advantage.
"... what does my gender have to do with fighting?"
"W-well, colts aren't known for being aggressive like that and -"
"What?!" He flinched. That poor guy, he didn't deserve that but I couldn't hold it in. That doesn't make any sense! "That doesn't even make sense!" (See?) "The testosterone levels alone would make for a more aggressive gender but the physical changes that hormone creates in the body are almost tailor made for -" He scrambled to his hooves, shaking his head and looking at me with wide eyes.
"No, no Bruce. Testosterone hasn't been linked to any aggressive behaviors." Yeeeeeaaaaaaah, so what's all this then? Then again ... magical-pink-whatever.
"So this IS Bizzaro world?" I tilted my head up at him, one eyebrow quirked.
"Please, Bruce, we're having a serious conversation."
"What makes you think I'm not seriously calling this Bizarro world?"
"Bruce, we -" He was interrupted when the door to the common area burst open, framing a very flustered Mrs. Cake against the sudden influx of bright light.
"Bruce!"
"Hiya Mrs. Cake." I waved nonchalantly.
"Are you ok, deary?"
"Wha-argh!" She galloped over to me and grabbed me in a huge bear hug. THE FAT WAS TRYING TO EAT ME OH GOD OH GOD! "Yes! Yes! I'm fine! Personal space, please." I braced my hooves against her ... holy hells woman! The fat wasn't all that surprising (kinda gross as it squished under my hooves) but - oh my god - she had some muscle under all that!
"Oh, I'm sorry dear." She put me down. I was shivering but not from the fact the fat wanted to eat me. It was more the fact she had the body of a muscle machine under it all. How did that even work? She smiled down at me for a second before sheer rage engulfed her entire face. "What in the Pastures name possessed you out there, young colt?!"
"Uhhhhh." My brain, still trying to come to grips with the sudden realization of the She-Hulk in front of me, gave about the most intelligent answer it could think of.
"Fighting?!" Her blue face was actually getting purple. I guess the red plus the blue ... no. No, that's just a royally pissed-off mare face. "At a party thrown for you by one of the most devoted and kind mares I know who is now crying her eyes out in the bathroom because you thought to turn this into some sort of free-for-all?!" I started to shiver and I think my eyes got really, really big as I looked at her blue-to-purple transformation. Those were not tears! Those were ... ok, they were tears. Tears of terror and shame. Hey, that'd make a great band name!
"... technically it wasn't free-for-all ..." WRONG ANSWER! The fact that Pinkie Pie was crying because of me, the fact I messed up a party for me that was supposed to welcome me to Ponyville, the fact it wasn't the first time it had happened ... yup, worst pony in allllll of Equestria, right here folks.
Mrs. Cake looked at me incredulously, anger radiating off her body. Seriously, I could feel the heat.
"Mrs. Cake? Maybe we should talk." Clear stepped in before we had our first foalicide and gently lead a still very angry Mrs. Cake away. I sank down to the rug as they stepped away, squeezing my eyes shut and wrapping my hooves around my head. Why? Why, why, why!? Why was it that every time I had something decent, I had to go and muck it all up?
I had been laying there - wallowing in my own self-created misery - for a few minutes, absentmindedly beating myself in the head, both figuratively and literally. Bonk - ow - bonk - ow - bonk - ow - bon-. A hoof stopped me before my hoof made contact and with red sore eyes I looked up at Mrs. Cake's sadly smiling face.
"What are you doing, dearie?" She looked ... tired. Very tired and even a bit old. Her usually well-cared-for mane had a few strands of hair flying loose, her eyes had bags under them and I swear even her pelt seemed greyer.
"I really messed up, didn't I?" WARNING! WARNING! Emotional stabilizers compromised! Abort, abort!
"Oh, dearie." I was gathered up into a hug. She felt warm as I lay my head against her chest. I could feel her heat beat, smell her coat. It smelled of ... horse. Clean horse but horse. Despite that, I really felt no urge to fight against it. It felt kinda nice, just being hugged. Like all the problems of the world would be made better by simple contact. Oh man, I was being pussified and I didn't even realize it. "Everypony messes up. Beating yourself senseless isn't going to fix anything."
"I'm sorry I've been a hassle, Mrs. Cake." I sniffled into her chest. Why did I feel so bad? Was it just because I made Pinkie Pie cry? Was it because I was being a selfish idiot? Was it because I was being a regular idiot? "I was just trying to stop Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara from fighting and she hit me and-"
"Shh, I know. I shouldn't have gotten that upset." Mrs. Cake started to pet my mane. It was weirdly comforting. A tiny voice in the back of my mind complained that it was just plain weird and please stop but I was not listening, la-la-la-la-la. "Dr. Sight saw the whole thing and while I am disappointed that you tried to stop them yourself and not get an adult to help, I'm sorry too. I - I shouldn't have gotten that mad at you for defending yourself."
We sat there for a few moments, hugging in the darkened room. It was a very touching scene.
"D'awwww." We both looked over at the wet-eyed yellow unicorn, rubbing his muzzle with a hoof and sniffing into a tissue. "What? It's so good to see a connection between you two!"
With a look of growing horror, I realized I was hugging a slightly fat and way-too-muscular mare on the floor of a child's cartoon bakery. I had even snuggled into her chest and sniffled. Commence manly struggle.
"Oh stop, you looked precious."
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Back already eh? GOOD JOB! A world where the females are in charge and are ponies? I could live there, still being a man/stallion.... fuaaaarrk, need me a good ol' mare to protect me. LOL
"Oh stop, you looked precious."
This story is ALWAYS a good laugh.
Yay! I've been bored without new stuff to read.
Welcome back :D
not first
NO BRUCE! FIGHT IT! DON'T LET THE GIRLYNESS INFECT YOU! DON'T GIVE IN! BE THE MAN THAT YOU TRULY ARE!
(look at what i'm saying. this is a story about colorful ponies originaly designed for young females........ what happened to me?.......)
Oh, Mr. Cake, you.
Yay! more! This is one of my favorite stories!
For you
Great update! Bruce is finally showing normal emotions!
What's this?!?!? Is Bruce finally starting to adapt!?!?!?!
I call Shenanigans!!!!
LOOOOOL! Glorious.
Poor Pinkie
Man, they day they figure out he was telling the truth all along is going to be hilarious.
Yay - your back! And you brought a present, too!
Wait ...
Did _not_ see that coming. Kind of makes sense, though.
And as for Mrs Cake - does that even work? Surely the development of one would be to the detriment of the other... unless she eats _tons_.
... Now I want to see an eating contest between Mrs Cake and Pinkie Pie.
Finally, I always find it extra cute/ highly amusing when a boy realises he's been caught being sappy and tries to hide it.
... Except when it's me. Then it's not funny in the slightest.
"Oh stop, you looked precious."
Nice to see Bruce finally start to clue in, though he'd be hard pressed to miss it at this point. I find it really hilarious that Mrs. Cake is just round on the outside, and is actually built like a tank on the inside.
YES! New chapter right when I needed it! THANK YOU!
Really needed this after the horrible day I've had.
1152972 You build muscle long before you lose the fat so it is possible to have large muscles disguised by a layer of fat.
1152961
Agreed, in fact I cannot wait. It will be so awesome!
ah the old gender switcheroo
Think about your wife man! RESIST! RESIST! Do not let them assimilate you!
Poor Pinkie tries so hard for Bruce and he just can't help himself. Another apology talk later with her.
At least Bruce now realizes he is in a bizzaro world. Maybe that knowledge can help him...probably not though.
Wait wait WAAAAIT... Testosterone is broken in this world? Stallions not aggressive ...but that means *gasp* ...mares...muscles... around here? What the HECK are they ON!?!
I'll be dissapoint in Bruce if he becomes assimilated into giving up his manliness.
Aaaaannd, suddenly Bruce has been struck with realization of the gender-swapped roles in this world. Poor guy.
BEEP! Humor adquired. Starting operation L.A.U.G.H.. BOOP.
By the way, I suggested this earlier, but I'm not sure you saw it. Why can't Lyra make an appearance on this story? I'm pretty sure she would believe that Bruce is really a human stuck in a colt's body.
1153111
She will, eventually. And the confusion between her and Bruce will be the source of many jokes.
well.... that explains EVERYTHING!!!
1153121
((Fast reply, lol))
Heh, I hope that moment comes soon. But that may make the other ponies think she is going insane and going with the blue colt's flow. But after all, there would be atleast SOMEPONY who could understand him, on this cruel world. :P ((overdramatization for the win!))
D'aawwwwwwww!!!!!
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Thought you said you was gonna replace chapter 20 with the new chapter?
WAZAAAAA (\
/)
WB sir, good to see another chapter up!
Sweet a new chapter. How dare Bruce make Pinkie cry, what a horrible person.
Commence manly struggle! HAH! XD
Its interesting, seeing him sort of evolve into a younger version of himself when there are fewer sources of stress around him. He's either starting to accept the programming, or maybe he'll unclench his everything after awhile and sort of get into the new life he's been given? Dunno. Either way, wow, touching hug scene.
1153158 Err... why would Lyra understand him? Why on earth (or Equestria for that matter) would Lyra have any better understanding of humans and humanity than the popular children's author? And even if she knew the cultural weirdness, that by no means equals understanding it, or the difficulties coming at it from the other side.
Worse, Lyra could be some kind of freaky hope spot for Bruce. Sure, she believes humans are real, but gets all the minor details wrong, placing her knowledge right in the uncanny valley, Which will be hilarious for us, but devastating for Bruce.
*Gets done writing out a new chapter for a new experimental fic and sees this.*
LUNA DAMN IT! Can't I just be left in peace!?
Good chapter.
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Huzzah! Another fantabulous chapter!
Noooooo Fight it man! Do not let the peaceful ponies take you over! Think of killing some animals or something...
Wait.. if testosterone doesn't work... Then Bruce will naturally become less aggressive... that's the worst fate for a person, to slowly have your body alter your mind until your not you anymore! I'd probably go into a depression if that happened to me... I HATE the thought of me not being in control of my own thoughts....
1153255
This also allows people to get an update without 'just an edit of a previous chapter' that wouldn't inform anyone. Suffice to say, I figured that this now and the next come ... I dunno, Tuesday (depending on how my imaginary friends work out) would be good. And well within the time limit I set myself.
I was. I was also going to post this one and the one I'm still working on in quick succession. But, well ... I don't want to make my readers cry.
Sorry ...
A little something for you're enjoyment.... Start!
Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of this town right here.
In Sugercube corner placed to be raised
In the party where I spent most of my day
Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool
And all talking to some crusaders outside of the school
When a spoiled little brat, that were up to no good
Started making trouble in my neighbourhood
I got in one little fight and my shrink got scared
And said "You're moving in with the Cakes rigth in here!"
1153506
You fucking genius, you. That was brilliant.
Dear God I think I spotted Bruce in the show! If you pay attention when watching the episode "Call of The Cutie" (I think thats the right one) you'll notice a little blue colt in the school. The only difference that I could spot between him and the description of Bruce was that the colt in the episode had a bow and arrow cutie mark.
1153538
HUH?! I didn't delete any comments! One of mine but that's because it got formatted all wrong.
Really, I don't delete comments unless they get nasty and none have here. I don't know what happened man.
1153392
... Could you possibly move that date from Tuesday to, oh I don't know, today(Saturday)?
YAY
1153209
I spilt my cup of Kool-Aid at the end of the chapter, so this picture sorta fits to my situation o.o
I really wish he'd just start talking all technical, or they give him an IQ test. Just the thought of an IQ test makes me wanna laugh. Or if Twilight gave him a mathematical problem and he just outright solves it and she cant. And didn't he go to college?? So yea, he could've majored at something that'll just freak everyone out.
So many possibilities.. the LULZ ARE ENDLESS!!!! 
I was wondering about how testosterone figured into the matriarch based society you set up. But wouldn't females, instead of just taking the male role of protection, instead cause the entire society to have a nurturing, motherly focus?
1152939You became a man
1153538
You might want check to make sure that your comments actually get posted. Sometimes they don't really go through for whatever reason. A quick reload of the page does the trick. Also, if you're writing alot, it helps to keep a copy on your computer before you post it so you don't loose it.
1153762 You say I became a man............ by becoming a fan of a show originaly meant for little girls?.......