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68w, 1dHuman in Equestria
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"Bruce, what are we going to do with you?" Dr. Sight sighed and shook his head. We were sitting in what I think was some sort of living room or something, a place I hadn't yet explored. Well, he was sitting. I was pacing furiously back and forth in front of an unlit fireplace. The decor was very different here than anywhere else. Dark, earthy tones that gave the room a cozy feel. A pair of single doors led alternately to a second stairway upstairs and the front common room. Worn but comfortable rugs, plush overstuffed chairs, a fireplace with a simple yet sturdy mantle. Very homey, very comforting and enclosed. Dr. Sight clearly had other opinions, from how he was grimacing. Still, we weren't here to study the decor.
"Let me go about my business unmolested?" How dare that little brat hit me! I stopped pacing - my limp showing where I had used my right hoof quite a bit more than my left in that little fight - and started to tap my sore limb on the ground, going over the fight in my mind. Hoof, meet face. Face? Meet hoof!
"Uhm, no." Clear shook his head, confused at my little tap dance. "No, that was a major infraction. Fighting? I'd expect that from a filly but -"
"OK! Time out!" I rounded on the psychiatrist and tried to form one of those 'T' symbols football refs use to indicate a timeout. It came out more an 'f' but still. "We are going to clear this up right now."
"Uhm, wha-" Clear backed up a bit, holding one hoof up against his chest as I turned, surprised at my sudden movement. I took a step towards him, anger almost glowing from my eyes. Hell, it could actually have been, this is magical-princess-pony-prancing lands, right?
"First, filly-socks." I took a step towards the good doctor, causing him to lean away from me. "Then, Mr. Cake getting all emotional." Step, lean. "Now, fillies fighting!" Step, lean. "What is this, Bizzaro world?" Step, le- with a small cry, the stallion toppled over onto his back.
"I-I don't understand." He sounded confused. I walked over to his prone body and stood above him, scowling. Actually, I was more trying to hold back a chuckle at his lack of balance but hey, use it to my advantage.
"... what does my gender have to do with fighting?"
"W-well, colts aren't known for being aggressive like that and -"
"What?!" He flinched. That poor guy, he didn't deserve that but I couldn't hold it in. That doesn't make any sense! "That doesn't even make sense!" (See?) "The testosterone levels alone would make for a more aggressive gender but the physical changes that hormone creates in the body are almost tailor made for -" He scrambled to his hooves, shaking his head and looking at me with wide eyes.
"No, no Bruce. Testosterone hasn't been linked to any aggressive behaviors." Yeeeeeaaaaaaah, so what's all this then? Then again ... magical-pink-whatever.
"So this IS Bizzaro world?" I tilted my head up at him, one eyebrow quirked.
"Please, Bruce, we're having a serious conversation."
"What makes you think I'm not seriously calling this Bizarro world?"
"Bruce, we -" He was interrupted when the door to the common area burst open, framing a very flustered Mrs. Cake against the sudden influx of bright light.
"Hiya Mrs. Cake." I waved nonchalantly.
"Are you ok, deary?"
"Wha-argh!" She galloped over to me and grabbed me in a huge bear hug. THE FAT WAS TRYING TO EAT ME OH GOD OH GOD! "Yes! Yes! I'm fine! Personal space, please." I braced my hooves against her ... holy hells woman! The fat wasn't all that surprising (kinda gross as it squished under my hooves) but - oh my god - she had some muscle under all that!
"Oh, I'm sorry dear." She put me down. I was shivering but not from the fact the fat wanted to eat me. It was more the fact she had the body of a muscle machine under it all. How did that even work? She smiled down at me for a second before sheer rage engulfed her entire face. "What in the Pastures name possessed you out there, young colt?!"
"Uhhhhh." My brain, still trying to come to grips with the sudden realization of the She-Hulk in front of me, gave about the most intelligent answer it could think of.
"Fighting?!" Her blue face was actually getting purple. I guess the red plus the blue ... no. No, that's just a royally pissed-off mare face. "At a party thrown for you by one of the most devoted and kind mares I know who is now crying her eyes out in the bathroom because you thought to turn this into some sort of free-for-all?!" I started to shiver and I think my eyes got really, really big as I looked at her blue-to-purple transformation. Those were not tears! Those were ... ok, they were tears. Tears of terror and shame. Hey, that'd make a great band name!
"... technically it wasn't free-for-all ..." WRONG ANSWER! The fact that Pinkie Pie was crying because of me, the fact I messed up a party for me that was supposed to welcome me to Ponyville, the fact it wasn't the first time it had happened ... yup, worst pony in allllll of Equestria, right here folks.
Mrs. Cake looked at me incredulously, anger radiating off her body. Seriously, I could feel the heat.
"Mrs. Cake? Maybe we should talk." Clear stepped in before we had our first foalicide and gently lead a still very angry Mrs. Cake away. I sank down to the rug as they stepped away, squeezing my eyes shut and wrapping my hooves around my head. Why? Why, why, why!? Why was it that every time I had something decent, I had to go and muck it all up?
I had been laying there - wallowing in my own self-created misery - for a few minutes, absentmindedly beating myself in the head, both figuratively and literally. Bonk - ow - bonk - ow - bonk - ow - bon-. A hoof stopped me before my hoof made contact and with red sore eyes I looked up at Mrs. Cake's sadly smiling face.
"What are you doing, dearie?" She looked ... tired. Very tired and even a bit old. Her usually well-cared-for mane had a few strands of hair flying loose, her eyes had bags under them and I swear even her pelt seemed greyer.
"I really messed up, didn't I?" WARNING! WARNING! Emotional stabilizers compromised! Abort, abort!
"Oh, dearie." I was gathered up into a hug. She felt warm as I lay my head against her chest. I could feel her heat beat, smell her coat. It smelled of ... horse. Clean horse but horse. Despite that, I really felt no urge to fight against it. It felt kinda nice, just being hugged. Like all the problems of the world would be made better by simple contact. Oh man, I was being pussified and I didn't even realize it. "Everypony messes up. Beating yourself senseless isn't going to fix anything."
"I'm sorry I've been a hassle, Mrs. Cake." I sniffled into her chest. Why did I feel so bad? Was it just because I made Pinkie Pie cry? Was it because I was being a selfish idiot? Was it because I was being a regular idiot? "I was just trying to stop Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara from fighting and she hit me and-"
"Shh, I know. I shouldn't have gotten that upset." Mrs. Cake started to pet my mane. It was weirdly comforting. A tiny voice in the back of my mind complained that it was just plain weird and please stop but I was not listening, la-la-la-la-la. "Dr. Sight saw the whole thing and while I am disappointed that you tried to stop them yourself and not get an adult to help, I'm sorry too. I - I shouldn't have gotten that mad at you for defending yourself."
We sat there for a few moments, hugging in the darkened room. It was a very touching scene.
"D'awwww." We both looked over at the wet-eyed yellow unicorn, rubbing his muzzle with a hoof and sniffing into a tissue. "What? It's so good to see a connection between you two!"
With a look of growing horror, I realized I was hugging a slightly fat and way-too-muscular mare on the floor of a child's cartoon bakery. I had even snuggled into her chest and sniffled. Commence manly struggle.
"Oh stop, you looked precious."