16 - You Gotta Fight for Your Right to Party
Descending stairs ... well, that's an adventure in and of itself. After my hectic and unplanned run through the hospital, I've had pretty good luck with most leg-based chores. Getting into and out of bed seems to be an issue but most other things I can do. Stairs, though, stairs are problematic. Going up seems fine, I can kinda hop up them like a spastic idiot. Going down, well ... that's where the fun begins.
"How does this even work?" I was pacing at the top of the stairs - the party still going strong below - trying to wrap my head around the massive secret of 'going down without peeing myself.' It seems silly but I was actually a bit nervous about walking down head-first. Ponies are long, see. Going down head first would put my butt above my head. I could see myself landing face first on the hard wood floor with a new hat. Well, things aren't going to screw themselves up. I put one hoof on the top stair -
"Whatcha doin'?" Suddenly, chicken. With a yelp, I yanked my hoof back, sending myself flat on my ass. Scootaloo tilted her head to the side from below, her unruly purple mane covering one eye momentarily before she flicked it out of the way with a hoof. The young pegasus really did have stunted wings, poor thing.
"Trying to go downstairs without ending up wearing my butt as a hat." I picked myself up off the floor, wincing. "What are you doing?"
"Watching you try to go down the stairs like a baby." She smirked at me. Oh wow, Scoots, really? Baby jokes so early in the day? Or early afternoon. I haven't seen a proper clock since I got here. I gave her a flat look in return before responding.
"Well, I had two fewer legs a few days ago, give me time to adjust." I resumed my pacing as the Crusader below kinda looked up at me even more confused than before.
"Huh?"
"Nevermind. Hang on, I got this." Scootaloo sat down, watching me with a confused-but-interested tilt to her head. With an infinite amount of caution, I slowly lowered my hoof to the top step -
"Hey, what're you doing Scootaloo?" Suddenly, dictionary. With a slight start, I retracted my hoof and glared below as Sweetie Belle came out from around a corner, her pink-and-purple mane bouncing with each step. Damn, it must take a ton of hairspray to keep those colors separate like that on her little unicorn head.
"Do you mind? This is a very delicate operation here." Sweetie looked up at me, her brow furrowing.
"Why are you up there? The party's down here." She motioned behind her with her hooves needlessly. I can see from where I'm standing, thank you. I rolled my eyes.
"I am trying to rectify that situation." The two Crusaders looked at each other - confused - before turning their attention back to me.
"Huh?" In stereo where available.
"Nevermind. I got thi-" I stepped forward for a moment before my brain kicked in. I sat back with a blank expression. "Actually, why don't I wait for the third to appear out of thin -"
"Hey gals, what ch'all doin'?" Little yellow Applebloom trotted out from around the same corner Sweetie came from, her head fixated on her two friends. She was still wearing that pink bow in her red-pink hair. It was looking a bit ratty, to be honest, and smaller than it was in the show.
" ... and there we go. Ok, now I got this." I smiled and placed both hooves on the top step. Applebloom noticed me edging my way downstairs.
"Why you upstairs?" If I had more limbs, I'd facehoof. Instead, I just grimaced.
"Let me get downstairs and I'll tell you," I said, through clenched teeth.
Slowly - almost painfully - I crept downwards. Each step an agony of balance, each motion threatening to throw me to my doom. My hooves clopped loudly on the wooden boards but were almost drown out by the orgy of revelry I heard from below. I moved my tongue in my dry mouth, flicking it out to try to wet my parched lips. My breath - once shallow - became quicker as I -
"Hurry up, will you?" Scootaloo's voice caused me to jerk, nearly sending me off balance. Thank you Scootaloo, with an 'F.' I favored her with a glare before continuing on my hazardous jour- eh, I slowly walked downstairs. The magic's gone now.
"Why were you upstairs?" Sweetie asked after I had all four hooves on level ground again, her head tilted. These ponies, I swear. They look more and more like my dog every time I see them. At least these three were about my size, that's a positive.
"And why'd it take so long for you get get down here?" Scootaloo chimed in with her two bits.
"Gimme a break, I have double the number of legs. It's weird." I flipped my ears down and started to walk towards where I thought was a refreshment table. I needed a drink and I hoped Pinkie had some non-foal friendly libations out and about somewhere.
"Huh?" Applebloom and Scootaloo shared a confused look, following along behind me. Sweetie's brow creased for a second before her eyes lit up in sudden recognition.
"OH! You're one of those hum-in pony gals!" She pointed at me with one hoof, her head held high in triumph. Great job, Sweetie, you figured it out faster than these adults did. Gold star. I stopped trotting along the edge of the crowd and turned to regard her sudden burst of genius. I was not afraid of being seen out in the crowd, what are you talking about? I just didn't want to get stepped on.
"He hums?" Scootaloo seemed even more confused than she just was.
"No, silly. Hum-ins. The, uhm ... Knights of something ..." Sweetie scratched her head with a hoof, sitting down to think. Evidently, her genius is limited. "Something. Anyway, it's a kinda cool book series from Ink Star. It's about these hum-in gals that fight monsters and battle demons and stuff."
"Cooool." Both Applebloom and Scootaloo's eyes lit up and they turned to regard me with a bit more interest than I wanted them to have. Hey, kids are cool I guess but I don't need them hanging around.
"Uhm, actually I work in Accounts Payable." Let's nip this thing in the bud.
"Huh?" In ... what's the word for triple-stereo? Trereo?
"I, uh, I guess you could say I'm a clerk or something." A trio of blank stares met my gaze. "Yeah, and humans fight other humans more than demons or monsters." I turned back to my quest, hoping in some small way they had lost interest in me. Despite my optimistic outlook on life, I knew it was not going to happen. Six pairs of 'hoof on wood' sounds following me proved my point.
"That's not how it's written in the books," Sweetie Belle sounded very confused. Let me help her with her confusion!
"Well, the books are wrong." I scanned the party tables, looking for any specifically shaped bottles. There's nothing to say that pony booze was stored in the bottles I was used to but I really didn't have a whole lot to go on just then.
"I'd be an awesome demon-fighting hum-in guy!" Scootaloo pumped her forehooves in the air in front of her, mock battling with what I could only assume to be vicious demons. She looked so serious it was hard for me to keep in my laughter. The chuckle that did escape brought her attention right back to me. Angry eyes.
"No, you'd be a squished demon-feeding pony gal." I continued to scan for a bottle of liquor I could swipe as I spoke. For some reason, the three Cutie Mark Crusaders followed right behind me as I walked the refreshment area. Either they were in love with my shapely flank or their sisters/role models put them up to this. I'm betting there were bribes involved. Probably cookies.
"Well, what do you know anyway?" Scootaloo can sound whiny when she wants to.
"I know I don't wanna mess with any demons." I gave her a look. I was trying for 'wise and knowing' but I think it just came off irritated.
"Pfft, just like a colt." She sat down and rolled her eyes. I blinked twice before what she said really hit me.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I took a step toward her, my irritation flaming up towards anger. Applebloom interposed herself between us, evidently used to trouble.
"Gals, gals! We haven't even introduced ourselves yet!" Sweetie Belle nodded a bit too enthusiastically, sending her eyes spinning.
"Yeah, how can I hate that which has no name?" I plopped myself down with a roll of my eyes.
"Hey!"
"Sorry, sorry. You go ahead." I waved them on with a hoof. Scootaloo started to give me a stink eye but was shoved out of the way unceremoniously by our first contestant on 'What's Your Name.'
"I'm Sweetie Belle!" A grey-white unicorn dictionary with pink-and-purple hair. I'm sure there are some artsy-fartsy crazy names for these colors but, eh, she looked grey-white to me. She posed in what I could only hope was exaggerated imitation of Rarity. Otherwise, she was trying to flirt with me and that was all kinds of weird on so many levels.
"Ah'm Applebloom!" The little yellow farm-filly with pink-red hair posed heroically after shoving Sweetie Belle out of the way. I guess that's what it was meant to be, with her chest thrust out like that. On a human girl, it'd be weird. For ponies, eh, it worked.
"And I'm the awesome Scootaloo." Orange Chicken ... mmmm. Purple hair, uhhh ... I wonder if there's an Asian dish called 'purple hair.' She butt-bumped Applebloom over and tried to give a 'rockin' pose' but really, she just was trying too hard.
"And we're the CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, yay." OH MY GOD! My eyes shot open and I laid my ears back instinctively as the wave of sound crashed over me. The noise from those three mouths could deafen an already deaf man! The party goers all winced and laid their ears down from the sound but aside from a couple glances our way, continued on as if nothing was odd. The entire town knows how to deal with these three evidently. I, on the other hoof ...
"Ow." I rubbed my ears, my head ringing from the ghastly sound.
"We're on a quest to find our purpose!" Scootaloo threw one hoof into the air. She sounded hollow, like I was underwater or something. I hope it passes, I'd be rather annoyed to lose my hearing to three fillies shouting.
"A mission ta find our marks!" Applebloom mirrored Scootaloo's pose, leaving a space between them where Sweetie popped up.
"A ... a ..." Sweetie Belle started to follow suit, throwing her hoof halfway into the air, but after trying to come up with something settled on looking at her two friends with a frown. "Gals, why do you always take the easy ones?"
"Well, that was deafening. I'm Bruce and I'm out." I turned to walk away, still scanning for something - anything - to make the hurting stop when my quest was once again interrupted, this time by a gasp from Applebloom.
"Oh mah gosh! You don't have a cutie mark either!" I glanced down to where she was pointing in slight confusion. My bare ass. Now I was very much aware of being nude in front of three little girls. Who were nude themselves. Hoo boy, this won't end well.
"Uh, really, I hadn't noticed." The shocked stares I received were not what I was going for. Staring at my bare behind. I tucked my tail slightly more. So weird.. "What? It's not all that import-"
"What do ya mean it's not important?" Applebloom leapt forward, almost knocking me over as she got really uncomfortably close to my face. "It's the most important thing evar!"
"Without your cutie mark, nopony will know what your special talent it." Sweetie's voice cracked once or twice in there but nopony else seemed to notice.
"You'll never really get anywhere in life," Scootaloo opinioned.
"You'll never get any colts!" Sweetie Belle almost gasped that last one out, her face a grimace of absolute terror. Three foal heads turned to regard her with confusion and just a slight bit of fear. I think my face held more fear than confusion, though. I broke the silence that had descended on our little group.
"Wat?"
"Ew, Sweetie Belle." Scootaloo shied away from her friend while Applebloom just sat there blinked in blushing confus- OH MAN! No, no, no. This is getting weird!
"What!? I don't want to be alone for my whole life!" Sweetie held one hoof up to her chest as her friends stared. She looked offended, bless her little overactive heart.
"OH-KAY!" I put on one of my wider smiles and stood up as their heads whipped around. "That was enlightening and very loud. And a bit too much information as well. So! I think I'll take my hard earned knowledge and just go this-"
"Wanna join?" Applebloom asked.
"Wazzat?" My intelligent response.
"Do ya wanna join?" She looked at her friends, Sweetie nodding herself brain-dead and Scootaloo almost pouting. Applebloom poked her pegasus friend with a hoof and a smirk. "We've been expandin' so we cin get our cutie marks faster."
"Really not all that worried about it, girls." I was not planning on staying long enough to find my special anything. Talent, tramp stamp, or pony.
"But-" Sweetie Belle was about to protest when her eyes went wide in fear.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the loser squad." That voice. I sense much anger in her, young padwan. "What's this? New recruit?"
"Leave him alone Diamond Tiara." I turned to look at the approaching Doom at Scootaloo's angry retort. There she was, a pink Earth Pony with white-streaked purple hair stepping out from the crowd. Her ice blue eyes were staring at the four of us in turn, a hateful glare of superiority. I could feel the tension rising as she got closer, lightened only by the fact that her grey 'rump bump' buddy was nowhere to be seen. I wanted no part of this.
"I think I'll let you guys talk." I backed away slightly, eying my potential escape routes. Under the nearest table was probably the best bet but I could probably weave through the cro-
"Leaving so soon blank flank?" I did not like the way she was looking at me, up and down like I was somehow beneath her. Or like I was some sort of meat.
"Yup, I'm going this way." I gave her as flashy a smile as I could and pointed kinda randomly off in a direction. As I was about to walk away, however, I was grabbed from the back and thrust behind ...
"You leave him alone Diamond! He's a colt!" Sweetie Belle? Ten of ten points for trying to help but negative one million for getting in the way of my escape.
"What's that got to do with anything," I squeaked out. This was going to end really badly and now the Crusaders were between me and getting away. The three fillies squared off against their hated bully, anger radiating off both sides. Scootaloo had even flared her wings out, buzzing them like some sort of insect. An annoying, stinging insect. At least she wasn't pointing her sharp end ... OH GOD! Don't look self!
"Pfft, what are you, his herd?" Diamond Tiara sneered at them before turning that creepy rape-face back to me. The Crusaders had interposed themselves between me and the she-devil and while I was gracious, I was trying really hard not to look at the three butts pointed right at me. Unfortunately, the only thing I had to stare at was that pink face. A pink face that promised nothing but pain. Pain and maybe some domestic violence.
"Uhm, I'm right here you know." I seemed to be channeling the spirit of Fluttershy. Nopony heard me.
"Ah knew you was low, DT, but Ah didn't think you'd go after a colt." Applebloom took a threatening step forward, matched a moment later by her friends.
"Uhm, this is getting out of hand. Hoof. Thing. Guys?" I tried to get everypony's attention but they weren't having any of it.
"Puh-LEASE, as if I'd have anything to do with a baby blank flank." Yeah, the way you keep looking at me makes me really believe that.
"Really?" Yeah, see! All safe, can I get around you- no? Ok then.
"At least Ah was taught ta be nice ta colts!" Applebloom and Diamond Tiara were now muzzle-to-muzzle, almost growling at each other. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were fairly close by as well, scowling angrily at their tormentor. Ok, time to man up and be an adult. I guess.
"OK! That's enough!" I wiggled through the Crusaders and interposed myself between Applebloom and Diamond Tiara, shoving them apart.
"Get your hoof off of me!" Bap. Maybe it was just a reaction to being shoved or maybe there's some cultural thing about not getting involved in a fight or something but let me tell you. There is no such thing as a 'slap' to ponies. Those hooves are pretty hefty suckers.
"You did not just hit me." The Crusaders stared in wide-eyed surprise as my face suddenly got very, very dark. I turned to fully regard the spoiled little brat.
"Ah, we-well you shouldn't have pu-," bap! "OW! You jerk!"
"I'm the jerk!? Who goes around town acting like she's better than everypony?" BAP! "OW! Bitch!"
And that was the last straw for us both. As the Cutie Mark Crusaders looked on in surprise, Diamond Tiara and I leapt at each other with murder in our eyes. Hooves were swung, manes were pulled, bites were had. At one point in time I had her in a head lock trying to twist her head off. I think she sat on my head for a little bit while she pummeled my sides. A crowd of ponies gathered, unsure of what course of action to take. The adults mumbled to each other while the foals began to cheer on their favorite fighter. I was practically unknown in Ponyville and 'the blue guy' was getting more cheers than Miss Bitchy-pants here. Go me. We were in the middle of a pure dust-up when we were interrupted quite rudely.
"That's enough!" Spring rushed out of the crowd and attempted to pull Diamond Tiara off of me only to get a black eye for her effort. Undeterred, she jumped back into the thick of things, trying to pull me off of my neme-, well, other nemesis. Dr. Sight shoved his way into our little ring of onlookers, wrenching at me as Spring switched over to take hold of Diamond Tiara. After a few moments of pulling and growling, they finally managed to force us apart. Didn't stop us from shouting at each other.
"Worthless flankhole! You're never going to find a herd as long as I live! NEVER!" Her eyes were bruised, her mane was very messy and her trademark tiara was missing from her head but she kept that angry fire alive.
"Pony hell, do you hear me? RIGHT TO PONY HELL! And I'll be laughing! LAUGHING!" My sides were sore, my nose was bloody and I think she loosened a tooth but I couldn't care less.
Spring and Clear dragged us out of range of each other, still shouting curses and threats as we were ponyhandled into separate corners.
Edited by Genjen.
Cause Genjen is cool.
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But I'm slightly disappointed that the fight wasn't triggered by Bruce demolishing Diamond Tiara's world view. Oh well, ammo for later, now that he has a reason to hate her.
I remember when I was like that... always thinking that girls need to be stuck up for.... turned out one knew karate and didnt like my interruptions.
woot new chapter
I'd be sorely tempted to tell the CMC what their talents are.
After so much anticipation leading up to this brawl, it definitely didn't disappoint. The fact that Bruce was spending most of the party looking for booze was great too. "Just got out of a meeting with a therapist about your problems? Find the real cure and start forgetting about what they made you remember! Alcohol! Woo~"
As a tangent... I was watching Winter Wrap up the other day and came across an unsettling sight, an Imposter!
i1077.photobucket.com/albums/w467/Genjen6117/BruceImposter.jpg
Who is this background pony? What can he stand to gain by looking like a grown up version of our hero? Er... actually, more like the 'main character', 'hero' is a strong word for him. That well meaning smile doesn't fool us Blue Pony! Who are you really!?
Haha, it was just funny watching the show and then suddenly my eyes snap to this guy and I'm like "Wait a second... Blue, Dark Blue, and... yellow? That rings a bell somehow..."
Aye, pony hell. That's a great place for a vacation.
FIRST
Also, this was very funny. Can't wait for Chapter 20.
Also - thoughts on his final line:
He should've said something along the lines of "tonight, tomorrow, sometime in the future - you're going to die. I will snap your neck off, drink your blood, and laugh. Oh how I'll laugh. And they'll never catch me."
Edit: that was just a tad creepier than I intended. He should whisper that to her while they're being watched from a distance, not surrounded by half the town.
Brilliant!!!
To be fair she totally had it coming.
And this is coming from a guy who likes her.
1093874
Hard to be witty when you're being dragged off your opponent by someone after a pretty mean fight. Yelling the entire way ...
1093853
I actually got a PM about that from Silver Wind. Son, brother ... FATHER? Who is this mysterious stallion ... Noteworthy's his community name and something about notes is his game!
Oh, and I don't think Bruce'll get his cutie mark anytime soon buuuuut, if he did, anyone have any thoughts about what it could be?
Damn it!
I love this story, but it always leaves' me wanting for more.
W00t, new mind fuck of a chapter.
1093874I laughed my ass off at that line. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET BRUCE THREATEN DT WITH DEATH!
Me and my friend reading the fight.
AWESOME!!
heh, you give that bitch what for, Bruce!
Our little protagonist is genre savvy.
I would beat the living snot out of Diamond seriously oh cant wait for the next
Bruce's last line felt incredibly badass. The whole Quest to Find Booze was hilarious too.
bitch got told.
WHY BRUCE, YOU SO STUPID YOU DON'T REALIZE YOUR THE WOMAN NOW? lol fail
FUCKING FINALLY SOMEPONY BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF DIAMOND TIARA
1093855 Ah, I still remember the bi-monthly trips with my parents. I had so many nice friends there...
god i love reading this story, it just gets better and better :D
LOL I could barely stop laughing while reading that.
And now all of your fans are going to ship BrucexDiamond Tiara. That's how it works in fiction, right? Girl hits guy and is generally a bitch to him, so he falls in love for some stupid reason, right?
he should sing this song
and then start speaking pig latin to freak them out
And this only cements Spring Meadow's theory that Bruce was exposed to a very violent history.
But Diamond Tiara was totally asking for that beat down.
1093902 Is his cutie mark getting into drunken pissing contests with other brutes?
Sweet god... Please let not poor Bruce get shipped with Crusaders...
I suppose that in a society where there's like 10 females for every male, it's not implausible that the males would be the ones protected.
1094066 So... You're hoping Diamond Tiara is of the Tsundere archetype?
Using a Beastie Boys song as the title automatically makes this the best story of all time. But seriously, wicked story man.
1094101 1094066
ALL the ships! I desire ALL the ridiculous ships!
This is such a great story, it never fails to make me laugh
Oh and you get extra points for the Beastie Boy's song title.
1093902 it would probably be something along the lines of making a ass out of himself, so maybe a donkey?
1093902 It should totally be a pack of cigaretts or a bottle of booze.
1093902
If he should get a cutie mark have it something that would seem very odd for a colt, or something to do with his human life, a calculator, car or something. Or just don't give him one at all, since he is a 31 year old human and when you start that age talent gets lost to you
1093902
Maybe a barley and hops plant along with a tobacco leaf together, like Berry Punch's fruit mark? His special talent is seeking out, and enjoying, adult leisure products. He'd gain it after managing to sneak some of both from a smoke shop. He'd have a hard time explaining how he got THAT one to Spring, eh?
Go Bruce, mortal nemesis of the evil Tiara Bitch. Rematch?
1093810
1093902
I'm more disappointed by his choice of words. So much more colourful language could have flown.
1093902
His cutie mark could be bunch of asterisks from cursing XD
I loved this Chapter.... you'd think miss guidance counsler would have lit up Bruces tiny rump for getting into a fight?
Frat paddle like from Dazed and confused XD
Well, if bruce ever met diamond tiara and silver spoon, I had assumed that he would whip up a cuss storm vile enough to reduce the two of them into tears and run away bawling to their parents. i was a little sad that it didn't happen but i was greatly satisfied to see bruce at least give her the whipping she so desperately needed. Me LIKEY!!! MWAHAHAHAAAA
1093902
Noteworthy should be in this story just for the sheer mindfuckery of it all =D
Spring: Um excuse me is this your son by any chance?
Note: O___o
I think we'll all be laughing, Bruce.
Guys, this is only the first time DT and Bruce meet. It won't be the last. I'm saving up the shitstorm for later. He's trying to be nice ... but that only works for a few times until Bruce is Tired of Your Shit.
Might have to put an 'Excessive Cursing' warning on that chapter, actually ... when I get to it.
Go Bruce! Kick her ass!
1094123 Nononononono! I wouldn't be opposed to shipping him with any, or, maybe even ALL, of the CMC, but I will hate this story forever if Bruce gets shipped with Diamond Tiara! XD
1094233
I don't really think he's gonna get shipped much in this story anyways. I just think any ship would seem totally ridiculous in this story, which I would find hilarious, no matter who it was with
1093874
That is amazing.
Now i'm all excited for more.