15 - Interview with a Child Psychiatrist
"Hello Bruce. I'm Dr. Clear Sight." The yellow unicorn and I were sitting across from each other in the Cake's kitchen, again. Every time something serious comes up, it's in the kitchen here. "I'd like to talk to you about, well, you."
Dr. Sight looked at me with a gentle smile, the same one I had come to equate to Spring's condescending attitude. It was just as irritating on him as it had been on her. His blue mane was cropped fairly short and he had a small stack of paperwork next to his hoof. A folder lifted off the top, encircled by his yellowish aura of magic.
"Not here." I put my hoof down heavily, emphasizing my words. I would be damned before I started to make the kitchen 'serious town.'
"What?" He blinked is orange eyes at me in slight confusion. The folder wobbled a bit before setting back down.
"Not here." I thumped the table again. "Every time something serious comes up, it's in this room. I want to talk somewhere else." I sat back, my forehooves crossed and my face set in a determined frown. Or maybe I just looked pouty.
"Uhm, well alright." Dr. Sight looked around a bit as if searching for a better place. Nothing came to mind evidently. "Did you have a place in mind?"
"Nope, just not here." Ok, I was being pouty.
"Well, how about ... Pound was it?" I arched my eyebrow at him. Of course he would know about who lived here and who didn't. "Pound's room?" I shrugged.
"Sure, better than the filly's room I guess."
We managed to slip through the party fairly easily. I caught sight of Pinkie about three steps from the staircase. Her hair was mostly straight and while she was trotting around making sure everyone was having a good time, it was obvious she wasn't. I sighed and, after catching her attention, gave her a reassuring grin and a wave. She blinked at me for a second before a huge grin broke out across her face and her hair poofed out with an almost audible 'sproing' noise. Feels good, man.
Upstairs and ... wait, this room seems familiar.
"This is Pound's room?" The bright blue lacey place was Pound's room?! Wh-why? How? What?
"Uhm, yes?" Dr. Sight tilted his head in confusion behind me, looking between the room and me. The stack of folders levitated next to him. They glowed slightly in his yellowish aura.
"But, it's ... it's so ... it's frilly." The soccer balls made more sense now but the flowers made less. And the lace! Lace everywhere! The curtains had lace, the bedspread had lace, even the socks sticking out of the drawers had lace! Boy socks aren't supposed to be lacey!
"Well, it is a colt's room." Dr. Sight seemed not even to notice all the lace. "Quite a gorgeous room actually. A bit messy but foals will be foals."
"But ... but," my mind tried to come to grips with the weirdness of it all. Talking ponies, boys-in-lace, magic ... ya know what? Screw it. "Ok, fine. Whatever. I'm so numb to shock and confusion I'd be worried if I didn't feel that way. So, what do you want to talk about?"
I trotted into the room shaking my head. Dr. Sight rose an eyebrow at my statement and watched me as I struggled to get onto the bed. Hey, it was the only thing in the room to sit on. With a shake of his own head, he came in and nudged me onto the mattress. Great, another pony sticking their nose up my butt. Gingerly and with ease - I noticed, jealously - he jumped into bed across from me. As he leapt up, I caught a flash of his cutie mark, a caduceus interposed on what seemed to be some form of crystal ball. Yeah, medical something alright. I'm going to ask about how pony names and cutie marks relate because his sure as hell didn't seem to.
"You, Bruce. I want to get to know you. Where are you from sweetie?" With a slight glow from his horn, the top folder - once again - lifted off the stack and opened in front of him. I noticed that it was facing away from me. Eh, head-docs and their notes.
"I was born in San Francisco, California, in the United States of America." He didn't even blink. He didn't write anything down either, though a pencil was hovering not a few inches from his side. Where'd he get that pencil from anyway? From his lack of reaction, I'm guessing Spring told him all about me. "However, my father was in the military so we moved a lot. I ended up in Nashville after some shuffling about and that's where I've lived the last, oh, dozen years or so."
"Yes, I see. How often did you move?" While his questions were blunt, he kept his voice light and really-too-sweet for a stallion. It reminded me of a pre-school teacher. Simple questions too.
"Often enough, didn't want anyone to think I was sleeping on the job ya know?" He looked over his notes at me, an eyebrow quirked. "What? Didn't want to get fired."
"Uh-huh." He paused to scribble some notes down. I sat opposite him, grinning. "So, you had a bit of a nomadic life then?"
"Isn't that what ponies normally do? Wander about, eat the grass, that sorta thing?" I waved one hoof around, as if to indicate the area. Earth ponies were nomadic! Course, early humans were nomadic too so, eh.
"Uhm, no dearie." He sat across from me, his brow furrowed in worry as he scribbled in his little folder. Take notes on me, will you? I'll give you something to write about.
"Well, why not?" Dr. Sight blinked in confusion, looking between me and his folder. I just grinned at him in that really irritating way. As if I had a lot to say but wasn't saying it.
"Uhm, because ..." he waved a hoof, trying to articulate something, before shaking his head. "Anyway, what about your family?"
"What about them? Screw those guys, they're jerks." They are! My whole family is filled with jerks, me included. You don't give a kid a Sega Genesis for his twelfth birthday and not give him any games! That's just cruel.
"Y-you don't like your family?" For some reason, the very thought that I might not like my family filled Dr. Sight's face with sadness. D'awww. I can't let that stand.
"No, I love them to death." At the phrase, his eyebrows shot up and he scribbled in his little folder. "Doesn't mean they're not jerks." It doesn't. They might be jerks but they're family, ya know? Can't pick your family. Their noses, on the other hand ... well, let's just say I've tried and despite the protests, you can pick those.
"I see ... how many mares were in your herd?" WHAT?! I sat there, with a look of confused horror on my face for a good half minute before he even noticed I wasn't answering. SERIOUSLY?! Herds? What is this, some third-world country like Iran or Utah? After half a moment, he looked at me from above his levitating folder, one eye quirked.
"...really?" I squeaked out. All I could think about was Twilight and friends in Arabic-style belly dancer outfits around a raised platform with Blueblood on top - of all ponies. It was not a pleasant image and it took a few good shakes of my head to get it out, get it out, oh god please make the hurting stop.
"Uhm, what?" Dr. Sight said as he just kept looking at me. With those weirdly big eyes. God, I was getting used to them. At least they weren't some kinda faceted bug-eye things. That'd just make me go kill myself. I finally managed to banish the mental mind-rape of Blueblood and Applejack in a oh god not again, not again, stop stop stop STOP!
"...one. Not counting my sisters," I gasped out, trying to get the conversation moving away from There Where Madness Lay.
"Ooookay, monogamists." My turn to quirk an eyebrow. They had a name for those that had the whole nuclear family one-male-one-female type of lifestyle. Which implied it was odd. Which implied this whole world was full of sex-crazed ponies. Grrrrrreat. "Ok, well, did, uhm, did your parents have a good relationship?" I leapt at the chance to move the conversation away from sex-crazed ponyland.
"Not really, my mother left dad for another woman when I was about 8 or so. Mare. Whatever." I looked away, seemingly disinterested. My life, my insanity - these things seemed normal to me. Hell, my whole screwed up family life was normal compared to ponyland's harems. Yeek.
"... oh my. I so sorry sweetie." Sorry? I looked at the stallion sitting across from me, my face confused. He seemed really ... worried. Why ... no. No, that is Where Madness Lay again. Let's keep things out of crazy-town, shall we?
"Yeah, well, she had issues." I shrugged. "Don't we all?"
"That's, uhm, that's different." He scribbled even more down. Seriously, what is with these ponies? It's not like my life was really all that nutters compared to most other human lives. They're acting like this was some massive family shame almost.
"Normalcy is for the boring." My Life Motto.
"...explains a bit," he mumbled under his breath. I caught it but thought I'd give him the opportunity to say it to my face. Jerk.
"What?" I tried to sound threatening but in my new squeaky colt voice, it came out ... different. I think it sounded more hurt. He glanced at me slightly shocked, as if he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I glowered back. Yeah, I don't really care about your opinion of me at this point doc.
"Nothing, sorry." He had the good graces to look sorry. I let it slide, my face reverting to disinterest again. Questions and more questions. Booooorrrring. "Well, what about your sisters?" I cleared my throat.
"More information is required before this query can be completed," I sing-songed as computer-y as I could make my voice. Wow, this little colt voice had a delightful range. I'm no singer but this colt could perform a solo and make it sound good. The doctor stared at me in confusion, his mouth hanging open. I rolled my eyes. Good acting is lost on these ponies, I swear.
"Details, man! I need to know more about what you want to know." I waved a hoof, for some reason. Argh, I was getting really antsy too. Like I wanted to get up and move. Since I knew my mind was being affected by my body, I kinda guessed it was youthful energy and fought down the urge to just get up and pace. But just barely.
"Uh, we-well, how old were they?" Simple questions from simple minds. Let's make him think a bit.
"Plus two and minus three." I smiled smugly. He blinked back at me, confused.
"Excuse me?"
"My age plus two and my age minus three," I explained with a roll of my eyes. Seriously. These ponies are boring as hell.
"And you're ... thirty-two?" Finally, he got it right!
"Ding-ding-ding! You've answered correctly, let's see what you've won!" I stood up on my hindhooves, waving my forehooves about slightly as if I was showing something off. My face was full of wonderment and joy. He looked at me, worried. "Nothing. Because it's not that hard to get." With a bounce, I lay back down, my face once again emotionless.
"Oook." I think I confused him. Cause that's so different than what I've been doing thus far, ya know? "So eleven and six-ish?"
"No." I facehooved. So close and yet ... "Thirty-four and ... hang on." I furrowed my own brow as I did some simple math. Man, I need to work on my everything, I can't even remember simple math anymore! I really hope that's not a sign of things to come. Foreshadowing, so help me god, I will kill you if it is. "Twenty nine. No ... yes! Yes. What? It's been ages since I did actual math without a calculator." Dr. Sight stared at me for a little bit before scribbling some things down in his now several-pages long notes folder.
"...ok, how was your relationship with them?" I think I broke him. All that 'dearie' and 'sweetie' crap was dropped a little bit ago and now he's just trying to get information quickly so he can get the heck out of here. Get out of here Doctor.
"My older sister is cool. Really level head on her. Bit of a love-hate relationship with old dad but, hey, physical abuse'll do that." That got a blink. And an open-mouth stare. But I want to be honest, so I will be. "My little sister is fuuu-messed up. Lotsa issues, some of them real ... touchy, ya know?"
"...touchy?" Dr. Sight squeaked, his yellow pelt paling slightly.
"Sure, sexual abuse'll do that." I am going to be honest, damn it! Even if it touches on some ... icky things. Icky, eurgh. Yeah, well, bad things happen. That's life innit?
"... oh my." He was paling. I didn't know yellow could get that grey. "Did she, uhm, and you ... ?" Ah, bugger. Erugh, let me be upfront: we were both really, really young. Really. Really young. And, eh, we ... my god, this is embarrassing. I blushed and looked away, refusing to meet his big giant weird eyes. For a moment, it was quiet. Not even the scratch of the pencil.
"... we were young and confused, I don't want to talk about it." Yeah. Uhm, this is awkward and I'm not at all proud of what I did as a stupid kid.
"... oh my." Breathe, doc, breathe. You're looking kinda monochrome.
"Eh, stupid kids'll do stupid things. And man I was one stupid kid." Yes, yes I was. I'm very glad that we were both mature enough to discuss ... that after a few years. And we never did blame each other. As much as I may disagree with my little sis, I love her and I'm glad we were able to be ok with the craziness of our youth.
"... oh my ... oh dear." Monochrome Sight was scribbling down tons by this point in time, the scrach-scratch of his pencil was almost a drone. I'm surprised he hasn't needed to sharpen ... oh wait, there were two worn pencils next to him on the bed. Never mind. "Uhm, wh-where are they now?"
"Uhhh, Montana for the older and ... I think Utah for the younger? We haven't really talked much. As I said, issues. Besides, my little sis's kid's dad ... he has issues too." I told her, I told her! He wasn't for her but did she listen? Nooooo, she was 'in love.' Pfft. She was in lust and she knew it.
"Oh my, oh dear." Dr. Sight was looking over his notes with wide eyes. Something seemed amiss in ponyland. "Uhm, sweetie? Why don't you go downstairs and, uhm, mingle a bit? I have, uhm, things I need to take care of. You know us adults and our paperwork!"
"Yeah, yeah." Spring tired that on me, Clear. And can you stop with the 'sweetie' crap, it's really bizarre. "Hey, can I get a copy of all those notes? I'd like to see what y'all are thinking about me."
"Bruce, please, this is very important. I, I need to contact the Ministry." Evidently, things were about to get interesting. I realized that I didn't want to have anything to do with their insanity.
"Eh, whatever." With a shrug, I tumbled off the bed again. After reassuring Dr. Sight I was fine, I happily trotted out of the bedroom, my tail held high. After a few steps down the dim hallway, I tucked my tail back down. Geez, being naked was weird enough without winking at everyone behind me.
Edited by Genjen.
He's a pretty cool guy.
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Paperwork incoming, a few hours later tonight. Uhm, tell me if this is getting weird. I hope it's not too weird. I really hope it's not too weird. I, uhm, I'm sorry if it's getting weird. I don't want it to be.
THERE ARE REASONS! I swear!
personally, i find this hilarious. only thing that i have an issue with is that so far it's all character development, or simply comedy. barely any plot progression. unless you are doing this at a slow pace on purpose, then i'm cool with that.
Sounds like a barely-off-normal American family. I dunno about other families, but my family is really weird, to the point where I am my own Uncle once removed. Yeah, try to puzzle out that one.
Mostly, it's the way the ponies are reacting that's grabbing my attention, and it's also what's holding said attention. I want to see what they think and how they believe Bruce should be, along with the images they've come up with for how Bruce got the way he is.
I'm actually really liking this. It's realistic and squicky and hilarious at the same time. I don't think I've seen a HiE fic done this way before, and it's good stuff.
Funny Chapter...but.... It's almost frustratingly short....Any idea when the next chapter will be?
THE WEIRDER THE BETTER!
YAY, new physically and mentally scarring experiences for Bruce time.
To not be weird would set you nto a generic HiE slump. Normalcy is for the boring and all that jazz.
You'd think he wouldn't bring up sexual abuse if that's what they were TRYING to make the case be.
Well, this is one of the most interesting backstories that I've read being woven here. Nice job.
1074783 He's got issues, I get it. It's not weird really.
1074783 Paper work
I can't wait to see the diagnosis on his mental health 
...........................................yes
1074848 Well, you'd have to be the sibling of one of your parents. Strange, that I discussed that topic not long ago with my own father, though it was just because I was curious.
Also, I want to see those notes. Correction. I NEED to see those notes. Otherwise, I'll be really really sad.
Unexplainably epic. Keep the good job. Can't wait for Part 18.
1074937
Actually, my biological dad is his own uncle.
thus, I am my own Uncle, once removed.
Clear's notes are going to be hilarious! I can't wait to see how he tries to fit what Bruce just told him with what the typical Equestrian family is like.
1074944 Ah, that works better than my idea. I'm never really that sure about this whole ***-removed business.
Oh poor Bruce and his dirty monogamist family lifestyle. Also, I loved the whole mental battle/mind-rape thing about Blueblood with the mane six. You can only imagine what the Doctor was thinking after asking about mares in the colt's herd and then seeing him freak out internally.
1074848
Agreed! I'm enjoying Bruce's uncanny ability to make these ponies squirm without truly meaning to... most of the time. I sometimes wonder if it's not a subconscious effort to pay them back for not letting him smoke. He needs some kind of outlet right?
1074961
yeah, it gets complicated and weird if you go far enough down and away on any family tree.
In before this doesn't end well.
1074848
Uncle? But... how? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Soarin_dayum.png
Oh man, this story just gets better with every chapter.
1074876 It's not clear that Bruce knows what the ponies think his life was like; we have a better idea because we snuck a peak at Meadows's notes.
On the other hand, he knows they think something is horribly wrong in his past, and here he's feeding them all sorts of ammunition. Although you have to wonder how literally they're willing to take it; after all, he just said that his three-years-younger sister had a child.
1074992
Ah, very true. I forget that one chapter where we saw the notes.
One also has to wonder how far they can take Bruce as a "compulsive liar" before it transitions into "schizophrenic abuse victim", and onwards to "not making this up".
DAMNIT ALL TO TARTARUS!! I was thinking recently of rewriting my story He Fell From the Sky in a manner like this...except it was going to be a powder blue pegasus with green eyes, and no memory of his human life.
Now I'm not sure if I want to do that....
1074919
Dr. Clear Sight: "It looks like he has a severe case of 'batshit insane'"
1074856
Hahahaha...realistic...
Well I'm not sure about weirdness level or anything (Bruce's life looks a bit overly screwed up to me but I don't really have room to talk) but I am curious as to just what Bruce is trying to "get" out of this scene.
Because if he's trying to get rid of the psychologist he FAILED miserably. If he's trying to convince the doctor that he's thirty-two years old and from another dimension then he also failed miserably. He's not earning the doctor as a friend and perhaps has called down several scarier sources upon his own head without even the possibility of improvement for himself or his predicament (unless of course he's just making use of Equestria's apparently awesome health-care system while he has the chance)
I'm enjoying this so far, but am hoping that Bruce will start taking charge of his life a little more in the future. If he is an adult, he should start acting like one...
Good stuff, not that weird. Frankly I'm a bit terrified of things like this, losing my memories or intelligence would freak me the fuck out.
Ooh! For the next chapter with ponies in it, you should totally have Bruce come downstairs, find Spring, and calmly inform her that he thinks he broke Claer Sight, since he essentially told Bruce to git, and was talking about contacting the Ministry, for whatever reason.
Finally you got that feature. WELL DONE!
1074968
My biological dad is his own uncle, so I'm my own uncle once removed.
my biological grandparents on my dad's side broke up. Grandma married a nice guy, and Grandpa married Grandma's new husband's Daughter.
Result? Dad is his own uncle, I'm my own uncle once-removed, which makes me my sister's uncle-once-removed, too, and she's my aunt once-removed.
Oh, and technically, I'm my dad's brother-in-law and son, both.
Whoo!
You know.....
I think this might be my favorite story...EVAR!!
Weird?
i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff212/childofshibi/132597704176-Clap.gif
1074783
It's not too weird. I am actually really really (Notice the repeated "really") liking this fic.
Aaaaand now they think his 9-year-old sister had a foal.
1075138
But this is all by marriage ... see, I was thinking it was 100% biological. Which means your grandparents were some freaky people. I'm glad that's not the case but in all honesty, so long as it's not rape and no one is mentally scarred by this stuff ... whatever. Shit, Bruce is vaguely based on my real-life experience. So I have no room to talk.
1075131
Actually, that's an update-feature. Updated stories have the last three spots on that bar. However, I have gotten a full-fledged feature ... twice now. Makes me feel all warm and squishy inside. But thank you for noticing!
1075085
To be honest, the original draft had this big, 'srs bzns' conversation between Bruce and Clear about how they are going to try to help him and he was very mature and very level-headed about the whole thing.
It SUCKED. It was not funny, it was barely interesting, it just sucked. So I replaced it with something more snarky. See, Bruce ... almost stopped caring by this point. Caring-Bruce is boring as paint, snarky-Bruce is funny. I agree with you. If I was in this situation, I'd be a lot more level headed and calm and just more ... mature. But that's kinda hard to make anything funny I'm not actually that great a writer. I need things easier! So, uh, Bruce is a ... dumbass. Pretty much. But yes.
Dis gon be good!
Looking forward to the paperwork!
Is there really such a thing as a "normal" family in today's world? Love how the doctor was taking all the information, and the Ministry sounds plain sinister. Than again, when has a Ministry not been evil?
... If I should be horrified at how horrible Bruces life sounds compared to mine or how well everypony here in the comments is taking it
I wonder if Bruce could ever convince the ponies he was a human. How many excruciatingly mundane details would be necessary for someone to say, "Okay, this is way beyond any possible fantasy world"? "Of course humans eat meat. We're omnivores. We need to eat animal products because that's the only way to get the vitamin B-12 we need."
Of course, this admission of abuse, although probably not exactly what the psychiatrists were envisioning, will make it hard for them to believe he recovered and came out fairly normal. For a human.
1075257
Normalcy is Boring. I reject your reality and replace it with my own. And it wasn't that bad! At least Bruce wasn't some child soldier or something ...
1075060
Hey, go do it! Though having memories popping up every now and again might make it more interesting. Seeing the disconnect between remembering and reality. Make him question his sanity.
Sanity is for the weak and all that jazz.
1075301
That's not entirely true. It's more about certain proteins that humans cannot synthesize inside their bodies. And even then, a mixture of vegetable protein sources can make up for the deficiency. Rice and beans is a great way to force the enzymes inside your body to 'construct' additional pylon-I mean, construct the proteins it needs. True, there needs to be a larger influx of vegetable nutrients and such but it should be fine.
But man, bacon tastes good.
1075332
The premise I had in my mind was for him to be running away from home in our world, due to his parents getting divorced and apparently arguing over who gets to keep him most of the time. Cue falling into a hole in the ground and then the waking up in Equestria as a pegasus colt, with no memory. I had the thought of him getting saved by Rainbow Dash as she's performing tricks during Read it and Weep (she still gets injured)
As for that, yes, sanity is for the weak, and I would certainly have fun with the disconnect bit. Crazy pegasus colt former human gone crazy,....hmm...sounds fun
Weird is good... and Utah is now a third-world country.
1075332 I was going for the layman's explanation, something that might actually be in Bruce's brain. Although, with his China comments betraying his lack of knowledge about his world, even that may be beyond him.
...
This can only end well.
1075209
Yeah, no, my family isn't that messed up.
least not until it gets to me.
I have several issues with my biological mother, and would not hesitate to do things banned under the Geneva convention to her if I ever encounter her again.
Regardless of the consequences.
Anyways...
I have one small thing: It's the leftmost 3 slots that are the main Features, the rest are updated fics.
ah shits keeps gittin good
1074783
Do me a favor, hold nothing back, no matter how weird it gets.