9 - Wherein Bruce Becomes a Complete Dick
I spent the next ten minutes - ten minutes - plodding through the streets of Ponyville with a randomly rambling Pinkie Pie and a way-too-happy Counselor Meadows. From Hospital to about the center of town. This place was monstrous, more-so than that damnable show had ever depicted! House upon house, all of them firetraps. Thatch roofed cottages with only the occasional tiled 'rich residence.'
And, of course, we had Pinkie to describe every. Single. Last. Resident. From the Riches - who live really close to the center of town - to the Punches - turns out more of an edge case. Pinkie knew each of them and would start a story only to stop midway through the 'One time, me and' to ramble on about another house we passed. And the ponies. THE PONIES. A technicolor stream of bright, hard-on-the-eyes rainbow-colored equines all smiling faces and waving hooves. Pinkie added them to her listing and - as we got closer to the center of town and the crowds became thicker - her voice became this whining shrieking thing that drowned out everything else around us.
Oh, wait, no. That was the sound of my teeth grinding.
Anyway, Spring evidently had given up on trying to engage me in conversation after I pointedly ignored everything out of her mouth for half the walk (I heard her mumble something about 'nerves' and 'excited.' That pony cannot read body language very well.) until I suddenly rammed her ass with my face. Chalk up another reason why clothing needs to be more common in Equestria. Despite the unintended probing my muzzle gave her, she barely spared a glance backwards before leaping on her hindhooves and spreading her ... ya know what? I'm going to call them arms. Hindhooves and forehooves are damned annoying and confusing. 'Arms' and 'legs.' Her arms out wide with a fairly large smile.
"Well, here's your new home!"
"Why am I not surprised?" Before me stood Sugarcube Corner, th-
"Sugarcube Corner! Premier pastry and party palace in Ponyville!" Pinkie interrupted (somehow) and tried to mimic Spring's stance, only with more arch in her back. After a bare moment she over arched and tumbled backwards. I blinked at her smiling face nonplussed before turning my attention back to the building. As I was saying before I was interrupted, Sugarcube Corner, the most famous (to humans) Equestrian eatery! A gingerbread house made of ... is that actual gingerbread? It looked like it but I'm sure ... really realistic, almost weirdly so. Some kind of air-blown stucco? The rain gutters were frosting-shaped! Do they even MAKE rain gutters frosting-shaped?! Is that something that has a demand here in Equestria?
And candles! Well, not really. They look electric. But still! Electric candles on the top of the whole she-bang as if it was a hazard to low-flying pegasi. Even the chimneys were decked out in frosting-styled ridges, though they didn't hide the gray stone itself. What, paint too expensive compared to all the other crap stuck on the outside? Yeah, this was a 'dream' come 'true.' And by that I mean it was a new and more interesting layer of hell so bizarre that Dante felt the need to keep it out of his tour book lest he really freak people out.
"Yeah, okay, I'm done. See ya'll when I see ya." I turned around and began to walk away. I'm sure I could find a bridge to sleep under or something. This, this was too much. I could maybe handle ponies - creepy - I could handle being a pony myself - creepier - but living in Hansel and Gretel's nightmare come to life? Not something I could ever see myself doing. As strange as my imagination may be, living in a rat-trap shaped like a house of cookies was not something I could have come up with. A sudden yank on my torso sent me high into the air, landing with a cough on Pinkie's back and ending my brief dream of actually managing to find somepony sane enough to help me get home.
"You've gotta meet the Cakes, they're the bestest and most super-ific couple in all of Ponyville!" With me struggling to get down - and Pinkie's surprisingly deft maneuvers to prevent that - we followed a still-smiling-Spring into the open door of the gingerbread house of DOOM! Or, pastries. And probably rats. I know I'm smarter than a rat and if I can't tell the difference between the walls and a sugary treat, I know the mice are going to have issues.
The door jangled cheerily as we all pranced in the room. Or rather, the two mares pranced. I was more grunting and struggling to get off of Pinkie's back. As the tinkling died in our wake, a blue head with pink frosting - no, that's her mane - a pink mane-do popped from around a corner.
"Oh be with you in a min-oh, Pinkie Pie dearie! Is that you? Oh, and you've brought a guest, how lovely!" Mrs. Cake. Proprietress of the house and store and probably the one that wore the pants in the family. Ponies are creepy - have I mentioned that? - but FAT PONIES ARE FUCKING WEIRD! You can see the fat slide around on their forms. It's like watching a really fat dog try desperately to waddle to the food bowl. I'm not a lean beefy guy myself. I'm actually a bit fat, in human form anyway. And by 'a bit' I mean I'm grossly fat and need to stop eating so damn much junk food. But damn! Get a treadmill. My mental conversation with myself unnoticed, Mrs. Cake waddled out from behind the counter and gave Pinkie a hug. I hope it was a hug. Otherwise, her fat has become sentient and is trying to devour ponies. Will no one be safe from - no, it was a hug. "And Spring Meadows, dearie! I hardly ever see you around here anymore, not since you and Pinkie worked those issues out."
And really? Are mental issues so common that peo-ponies can talk about them so openly? From the lack of blushing or awkwardness from the two mares I was sandwiched between (not in a good way either) I take it that, yes, everypony in this town was some type of crazy. I think it was rubbing off on me. Or maybe it was just bringing my attention to things that I didn't know about.
"And who is this handsome young colt?" Oh god, the fat wants to eat me! By my panic stricken eyes, I think Mrs. Cake knew not to try to envelop me. I want to pretend that it was my manly sneer that drove the foul monster into the depths from which it came, hissing and snarling, but no. It was the huge terrified eyes. Spring rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof, blushing slightly. Yet still smiling.
"Yeah, uhm, can we talk alone Cup? There's a ... situation." She glanced to her side, catching Pinkie's attention. "Can you, uhm, watch him a bit?" Lowering her voice, she leaned over my head. "But remember what we talked about Pinkemena Diane Pie." Ohhhhh, true-name use! That witch.
At the mention of her full name, Pinkie's eyes dilated slightly and she gave a way-too vigorous nod.
"Yes ma'am! Pinkie Pie, premier ponysitter is on the case!" She gave a slight salute and Spring, after a slightly squinted look, nodded brightly and trotted out into the kitchen - I guess - after Mrs. Cake.
"Well, now that that's out of the wa-" I never got a chance to finish my sentence. Something terrible, horrible happened that scarred me for life. Something I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget no matter how mad I go. I heard a pair of voices, high pitched and squealing. Like the sounds of Satan's talons on a chalkboard, it was. A shiver followed those sounds and I knew then that my life was changed, irrevocably and in such a terrible way.
Two forms shot by me as that screech echoed in the depths of my soul. A horn'ed demon and a wing'ed one, the Harbingers of Terror and Strife. They latched onto Pinkie Pie and bore her to the floor, their slight forms overpowering her despite their miniscule size. Cavorting like jackals over a fresh kill, I could only watch as they ravaged the poor mare. In her madness, Pinkie laughed along with them though their cries were ones of victory. Their names were Misery and Anguish though they stole the forms and names of those they replaced.
"Aunt Pinkie! You're back! YAY!"
"Oh god, Dante was wrong. Hell is candy-colored pony children."
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A tad early. And a bit rough. But I think it was funny.
Dear god i love this fic... dont stop! it's freaking hilarious....
haahah good chapter look forward towards the next
Hmm... maybe they'll be friends? Maybe? Hopefully?
Bruce will never stop invading Counselor Meadows' personal space. It is written.
Would be laughing uproariously if my brother weren't trying to sleep. Nice chapter.
OH GOD I CANT ..... I CANT EVEN ... WHY .... I NEED AIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT HURTS SO MUCH
He should be referencing Sartre. Hell is other ponies.
Aww poor Mrs. Cake
he's so mean; but oh gods I've been waiting for him to meet the CMC (or some other foals, if that's not them) for so long, can't wait to see the crazy shenanigans he gets dragged into 
That last line...
How can this fic be so funny?!
................................encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS94qo4JITemaW1KG_twADTduECR7Q1xmaeQmmezXaLLFZCIIDV
Sure Dante wrote about the 9 levels of hell.. but he didn't write about the pastel color, technicolor pony infested TENTH level of hell!! THE HORROR OHH THE HORROR!!
Freaking. love it.
So. Much. Lol.
I love it.
Perhaps he can appease the appetite of the fat one by offering Misery and Anguish as sacrifices to sate its hunger?
Yeah Bruce is simply going insane, he already was insane but it just keeps getting worse and worse.
Until he opens his hearth and let the friendship fill him. (possibly devour him)
I love this, I really do.
that said...
I have only one gripe. The whole fixation on the eyes.
You went to the trouble of explaining how their solid color coats are only a result of animators oversimplifying, that really their coats are made of hairs which vary somewhat in color. You described their bathrooms in a way that made them comical and maybe a tad nightmarish, while still more or less making sense*.
BUT! when it came to their faces, the animators were deadly accurate! they really DO have headlights for eyes, and balloons for heads!
i mean, you spend a lot of time on that, but it seems to be sort of a recurring throwaway line. Plenty of other ways for them to creep you the buck out without the whole eyes thing.
*(IMO, less. No reason for a pony not to use a toilet more akin to a western one, only set into the floor a little, so the bowl's rim is closer to the floor, and with a bidet, to get around the wiping problem a bit. Also, males shouldn't need to wipe, unless they're doing it wrong.)
Keep it coming though, I'm having fun
"I know I'm smarter than a rat" Um, Bruce? Sorry, but actual rats are VERY smart. They are fast, strong, and great with teamwork. Add that to 'very cunning' and 'dangerous in groups', and you've got trouble. They CAN and WILL eat things MUCH larger than themselves ALIVE if need be.
They can tolerate far more disease and ailments than HUMANS can, let alone horses, and if given enough time, can eat their way through CEMENT. The way I see it, a foal with a human brain wouldn't stand a CHANCE against a swarm of rats. If you piss one off, they ALL go after you, so you'd be SCREWED. Nature, it's a bitch and a half.
968759
I think it's the perfect thing to focus on. Because it IS unnatural. Body shapes vary greatly through the animal kingdom, humans included. But eye's have a limit to how big they can get. The bigger an animal gets, doesn't mean the eyes get bigger.
Seeing an eye that takes up roughly the size of fist on a human would be disturbing. Really disturbing. Seeing an eye the size of two fists put together, on a creature 2/3rds the size, and you've got nightmare fuel.
Ohhhhh, true-name use! That witch. I loved this line! Just so random and fitting, too cool. Another fun chapter; I look forward to seeing Bruce cringe in horror at a pair of "proper" pony children. Also, given that he seems to be at least somewhat decent as humans go, I don't imagine he'll want to cuss around the kids so he'll have that extra layer of lameness heaped on top of him. Hopefully he can manage to survive them and not get consumed by the "Unstoppable, insatiable, FAT" before the day ends.
I have to wonder how old they are now and whether the CMC will be teens at this point, or these tots are near Pips age now and Bruce will in fact be dealing with the trio of terror. I can almost see him getting along with Diamond Tiara if only because he'd find a kindred soul in her frank dislike of most everything. Also, what can of worms he'll open up when he inevitably (I think so anyway) states he doesn't care about getting a cutie mark. I wonder what psychological roads that will lead Ms. Spring down also.
Once more you leave me thinking in circles about what can come next. Looking forward to it!
968856
wellyeah. But why is the huge eyes thing the one thing the animators got right, in this version of Equestria?
If he'd said "the animators may have exaggerated the eyes a bit (okay, make that A Lot), but they're still too big for my sanity" or something like that, I'd probably never have commented...
das fuck?
This fic takes place in the future?!?
This has to be one of the funniest fics I've ever read. I love your prose so much. During those last two paragraphs I was damn rendered damn near helpless with laughter.
Cool story bro, and by "cool story bro" I mean ridiculously hilarious story bro.
968273
what he said!
"Oh god, Dante was wrong. Hell is candy-colored pony children."
This line had me laughing for 5 minutes.
... Win.
The terror of small children.
Clam down and silently leave the building. (Yes Clam)
968930
Because the point (I assume) was to make the ponies seem as creepy as possible. Since this is his story, he's allowed to take creative liberties in what the animators did or didn't get right. As for the bit about the bathrooms... a lot of toilets in Europe (more so the farther east you get, but even in France you see this out in the country rest stops) are actually almost exactly how he described: Slightly fancier holes in the ground.
It makes perfect sense to me that a species that stands on four legs wouldn't bother raising any part of the spot they dispose of their waste in... It would just make things harder. Not sure about stallions needing to wipe... perhaps because of the sheathe? This conversation just got weird...
Anyway, great chapter, Minalkra! Still very funny. I'm eagerly anticipating his interactions with other members of the mane 6... and 3 other particular characters.
i.imgur.com/hNWVW.jpg
Here, have some fanart.
I blinked at her smiling face non-pulsed
I guess you mean "nonplussed".
"Wherein Bruce Becomes a Complete Dick"?
Really?
Newsflash, just in: The first rule of the tautology club is the first rule of the tautology club!
And because I'm in a nitpicky mood right now: The Cakes are not only the bestest and most super-ific couple in all of Ponyville, they are also the only couple in Ponyville.
Unless Shining Armor and Cadence or Rarity's parents visit the little hellhole.
968778
Whole lot of stuff about what rats can do. Not so much about their intelligence.
969409
Why would Rarity's parents need to visit? They live with Sweetie Belle in town. "Sisterhooves Social" made it pretty clear that Sweetie doesn't usually stay with Rarity, but instead with their parents.
969546
Be that as it may, married couples are still not that common and the Cakes are the only ones with enough screentime to warrant a mention.
The twins can talk? How far into the future is this story?
Dante also didn't mention the ELEVENTH ring of hell...
A obnoxious male would stick grapes up his nose and repeatedly say bloopity bloopity bloopity bloopity.
Dante than weeped and pissed himself in fear
The thing I love the most about this fic is the hilarious imagery. Gives a guaranteed chuckle each time.
Also, yeah, ponies IRL would look pretty damn messed up.
LOL to infinity and beyond.
rainbowlaugh:
968759
968930
When you talk to someone, where do you look? I, actually, look at the mouth. Movement draws my eyes and it's still the face area so it's not as bad as I used to be (down, chest, hands, etc). BUT most people look at the eyes. Eyes draw you in, they are how we humans tell most of our emotion. Humans are one of the only mammals that have our whites showing at all times. Most animals only have their whites showing when they are panicked or about to attack. Ours are expressive. Dogs will look at human eyes during training but rarely look at each others.
As to the animator thing, I'm cherry-picking things from the show as to what to ignore. Hooves that fold so far they can grip, no. I'm adding a fourth joint. Huge eye-plates that operate completely differently than Earth mammal eye balls? Yeah, I can work with that.
968778
Rats are clever and hunt primarily by smell, so no the bakery doesn't have a rat issue. It was for humorous effect. However, yes. Yes, I am smarter than a rat and Bruce is too. Sure a rat swarm is dangerous but so is a human swarm and even a rabbit swarm, if panicked enough. Doesn't mean they're geniuses.
968987
A bit. A year or two ... or three. Hmm, I may have screwed myself. I still want the CMC to be pretty much the same as they are but I didn't just want 'baby diaper' jokes from the twins. Let's say they're three-fourish.
969138
Did I say clam? I do on occasion. I hope not.
969261
Yes, the sheathe.
969323
Yay! Wait, there's nothing there ... yay!
969409
Yes, nonplussed. I pronounce it 'n'on puhls'd' so it didn't register. I'll try to remember to fix it. And with a cultural phenomenon like marriage, the Cakes can't be the ONLY couple in Ponyville. They may be the only canon couple but there has to be more. Unless Ponyville is full of weird cultists that think marriage is against the Great Herd's wishes.
Hmmmm ...
Nah.
969724
Actually, that's in this post!
969931 .... Okay, new host. PLEASE tell me that worked? (I hate the internet.)
970019
Momomojito has used Imgur for some things here but I don't use image hosts myself. Wait, I can has moar fanart?!
970052 There, now it works. No, you can't have any more fanart. I refuse to deface any more classic painting.... Aw, who am I kidding, I'm gonna combine Hirst's For The Love Of God with Van Gogh's Starry Night to illustrate the unfortunate situation Bruce is in. Also, Meadows's genitals.
970080
...how would that even work?! Actually, I don't think I want to know.
970129 It's happening as soon as I get home tonight.
love it
OH CELESTIAAAAAAA, BABIES ARE DISGUSTINGLY UGLY, AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
oh god so funny
This fix is awesome and is comming along greatly keep up the good work
"One time, me and Dashie-" "Pinkie sweetie, do we really have time for this?" "Okay, but there was a cupcake."
Another great chapter my friend, you do not dissapoint.
. A 32 year old man, he will be expected to actually play with these two toddler terrors.
I just can't help but feel sorry for Bruce though
I wonder how long before he goes comatose from overexposure to the madness.
Can't wait for the next chapter.