I almost can't believe it. I helped make this happen...

I love life.

>>839989839989 Is it good so far?

>>840006840006 Heeeeell, yea! I'm always a sucker for Twidash.

So far this looks like a feel-good story to me. I approve.

>>840006840006 How come this isn't in your stories list?

>>840034840034 Well...

I think it may be because it's still in the queue (Position 41)

What's making this work is that it's so Dashlike: the truth comes out before the tenth line, the immediate response is "Something must be done," and, well, it's hard to imagine, say, Fluttershy hitting up Shining Armor for clues to what his sister might be thinking.

So far, so good.

i am going to put this story on the shelf with my awesome-sauce, creepy pasta, and lie cake! you have made it on to the shelf of epic things my good friend.

Hm... Honestly, it seems like a good story-- in theory. But it also feels super rushed (even if it is Rainbow telling the story) and not as well thought out as I normally prefer. Maybe its just me?

>>841607841607>>841620841620 Thanks

>>841625841625 In truth, it was meant to be rushed, seeing as Rainbow always goes head first into everything, but then when she works with Twilight in later chapters, she'll slow down and things will be smoother

"the two that reply" that is sad man, good jog and for now i gonna watch you

It felt a bit rushed in a way, but nontheless, very interesting premise. :)

Well, I can't say no to a TwiDash. Feels Rushed, but then again it is mostly following Rainbow. Eh, what ever. Keep up the work!

Edit: >>841642841642 Just now saw this post XD

Puttin' this on watch, I wanna see what happens

>>841709841709

I have to agree. Even if you follow Rainbow, though, it should be no less rushed.

On topic of my own opinions: very, very promising. Your grammar could use a lot of work, I.E. ALWAYS including one punctuation mark in a quote, whether it's a comma leading to the speaker, or just a period/exclamation mark.

Your characterization could be worked on a bit. Regardless of whether Dash is in love, I hardly doubt she'd burst into tears and run. I'd expect hard-headed her to keep trying again and again.

Regardless, still very promising for a first try. Tracked.

Well, i cant pass up a Twidash, the only other ship i like more is Flutterdash it is rushed and what botherd me it was like. "Oh- i like her" and then "Her brother is tells her sisters secrets feelings like its nothing" and most chapters in fan fiction ahould be about 1500 words or more so its not to short.  (and ive seen peaple with only like 250 words) its still a good read. but its not great. sorry if i sound like an asshole, but deconstructive critism is the best way to be a better writer.yay

i dont know why but i can not resist a good twidash

My friend. you just made Twi's bro awsomeer than he was already!

woooo dis awesome

Just starting to read it, comments so far:  What is the setting of the first scene?  Where are RD and Rarity?  Outside?  Carousel Boutique?  In a cellar at Sweet Apple Acres?  Also, try to watch out for walls of dialogue.  When writing, you need to intersperse the talking with actions, thinking, etc.  Otherwise, it feels like just two talking heads.

I'll update this after I finish reading it.

UPDATE:  So the part when RD gets shotdown is pretty good.  There's some introspection, that's good.  The pacing overall is a bit fast (again, probably due to lack of scene-setting) and the characters not quite who they normally are.  Rarity doesn't really have a good explanation on why she blurts out what she thinks is up (a short 3rd-person POV of her thoughts would do the trick maybe), Fluttershy is a bit forward and I'm sure Shining Armor would not just out his sister like that.

Don't get me wrong, I love a good Twidash (and even not-so-good ones), and I like the concept so far, but the execution could use some work.  I'll be watching this to see how it turns out :)

There is always more room for Twidash in the Library of Awesome. My reading preferences on this site are like, 90% Twidash with some here-and-theres that I eventually get around to. Can't read this now sadly, have to do lots of important things. *slams on the fav button* favfavfavfav!

Fast paced. I enjoyed it.

Always did like TwiDash, so it was almost needed for me to read this.

Rainbow seems ooc, what with her breakdown. Other than the fact it feels rushed (which was intended), it`s pretty good for a  first effor.

Twi dash is good....... Not overdone either

This is a really good story so far. Simple and cute.

All and all this is not bad. but its not great ether, The chapter seems a bit short, and I fined the dialogue on the boring side but that can be fixed if the characters were more in character.

for an example. Rarity was ok, bit needed to be a more pushy about the matter at hand. or Hoof if you will.

Rainbow seemed off as soon as she left Rarity's, before that she was really close. but fell form her cloud at the point.

Shining Armor. yes we have not seen much of him outside of being brain washed, but I really don't see hi have such loose lips about something as big as sis sisters love life let alone sexual preference.

as for dialogue. her is a tip I found to help me a lot. after you write it read it 5 times to your self then 5 times out loud. to really see how it looks. doing this will make your mind wonder over it and start to think of ways to make it sound better, or on way to add to it.  then go back to it latter and do it again. I fin this to be a huge help when working with dialogue

Now do not take this as an attack on you. I rather like where this can go. and I would like to read more. I am just adding my 2 bits. And if you do take this as an attack I am sorry.

Good luck. and see you next chapter.

D'aaawwww..... :3 Just put it in your mane Twilight

The reasons for Rainbow's love seem a bit iffy, but the storry seems to have an interesting enough start. Favourited, cant wait to see the next part.

Dinner time?

What about Applebloom?

Will she miss dinner time? :D

Good fic, by the way. ;)

short and sweet, im liking it so far, not exactly good at pointing out errors all i can really say is keep up with the consistency ^^

I'm enjoying this fic so far and I'm really looking forward to the rest.

Hey, you used the same art as I did for my Twidash a while back.

Only... mine was a clop.

I like how your going with the fan art for inspiration.

But Like my first comment dialogue is still needs some work.

and maybe add some emotion to the face.

"Oh, well, I think about it tomorrow" Twilight said as she made her way towards her bedroom.

probably want "I'll" in there.

"Your still going to help?" Twilight asked, looking at the feather out of the corner of her eye.

and here "You're"

interesting fic, I'll keep an eye on it.  

MOAR MOAR

Hmm. It would seem that rainbows are in fact magic. I knew it!

even for rainbowdash this seems really rushed. i really enjoy it, but i would like it if the characters, acted more like themselves.

like Rainbow Dash should be masking her emotions in her false ego a bit more,

Twilight should be a bit more oblivious, and more obsessive about the books (ie when she drops them she should have a small panic attack at the fact they are possibly damaged and out of order.)

also i think Spike should have showed up at some point in this. even if it was for only a line or so

but ..those are just my opinions, write your story however you want, im still gonna read it.

>>841771841771

lol, I thought you where talking to me. Got quite confused

>>843349843349 Thanks for correcting me

>>843175843175 Wow, I just went an' looked for it, and oddly enough it had around the same premise. They spend time together and BAM!, they fall in love

>>843624843624 Truth be told, I'm making them both act differently because it's suggested that they're really in love, so Twilight didn't freak about books because it was Rainbow that distracted her, and Rainbow's having a hard time hiding her emotions because it's her first true love, so she's trying too hard and messing up. I'm also going off of what I've seen people with similar personalities to the characters do when they've fallen in love

>>843379843379>>843079843079 Thanks for liking it

fair enough, iv. never really seen somthing i can concider true love from anyone other then myself, and i dont really know how i act. that makes perfect sense i suppose.

>>843772843772 no problem, hope I didn't come off as rude.  

>>844411844411 No, I actually appreciate it when people correct any mistakes I make

So far so good, but it seems bit rushed :/

Looking for more soon!

There is no such thing as too much Twidash.

>>843772843772 Hehe, that picture just brings stories together.

Short Sweet and to the point. Great job. I award you a flutteryay.

>>847869847869 I earned a Flutteryay?!

You're awesome

Well... that reveal seemed kind of flat. The pay off could have been much better.

>>850712850712 Oh, sorry, I thought that it would be taken like Rainbow was surprised, and felt it was necessary to say it, since Twilight had figuratively said it.

But, if you don't like it then ok, I was meaning to make it seem like they actually take a step back next chapter anyways. You know, like, they go, "The hell are we doing?", and then reevaluate their feelings

>>850720850720

Well, all we heard about Twilight liking Rainbow is from Shining Armor and from Twilight finding the feather and her simply being like, "huh." Could have gotten into Twilight's head a bit.

>>850726850726 How so? You mean like going over her reasons why?

>>850732850732

Well I thinking we could see her view, we've hardly seen what she's thought of everything. Like, maybe a memory of her finding out when she first loved Rainbow.

>>850807850807 That's actually my plan for next chapter

I love the Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash role reversal.

Me gusta, me gusta a lot.

I would have said this chapter seemed rush, but you said the next chapter would cover the missing things. So Wait I shall. I am not much for these "fillyfoolers" and mare loving mare stories, but this one seems good.

still fave parring, so this is still a wonderful story. even though i completely forgot which one it was until about halfway through (i have quite a few Faved stories so its hard to keep track)

also i did find the encounter with Soarin, a bit....unnessisary it doesnt seem like it can go very far beside an apperent orgy of an afterparty. which twilight would never be into.

How the came to terms with there feelings was rushed, it was all " I love you" no awkward moments like most love confessians. either way great chapter!!! keep it up

>>854568854568>>854544854544 All part of the plan, even the Soarin part

This was a pretty cool fic. I enjoyed it.

One note of criticism, though. Honestly... I REALLY wasn't feeling any sort of love-like feelings from Twilight. She behaved pretty calmly throughout the fic, and we never see her looking nervous or excited or anything. She's just being... Twilight.

Not that big of a deal. Just something that bothered me is all.

A few people were wondering why Twilight was in love, and this chapter is basically a transition into that

OMG 2 spelling mistakes, 2 for gods sake!

Anyways, great story man!

intersting take on a TwiDash fic... i have read many but you are defently making this one your own.  keep going

>>861235861235 Where

"Wow, I never Spike was that love crazy!" Rainbow said between laughing fits. (or)

"Wow, I never knew Spike was that love crazy!" Rainbow said between laughing fits.

"Can't wait to see how hard things fall, or how clear they fly." ~ Definitely a new quote by me XD

Have a good day! (or Night!) ~H61Live

>>861483861483 Thank you my good sir

Why exactly was Applejack at Fluttershy's?

>>861517861517

No problem!

>>861540861540 I hoped people would guess that she's there about an animal or something

>>861316861316 ugh too tired, I'll find them when I'm not slept deprived.

>>861626861626 Okie Dokie Lokie

Another great chapter

>>861641861641

As Rainbow flew out the window(missing comma here) Twilight felt as if some part of her was leaving too, but she couldn't figure out why.

"So..." Applejack said as she turned to Fluttershy, "How long have you know(you forgot the n) about that?"

Fixes are in brackets. There was another one but I couldn't find it

EDIT: Hitman61live found it - "Wow, I never (knew) Spike was that love crazy!" Rainbow said between laughing fits.

>>864213864213 Thanks for telling me, I guess being hungry causes grammar mistakes

>>864236864236

And being sleepy helps me spot them?

>>864252864252 Apparently

(Could also be because I had animals bugging me the entire time )

>>864273864273

I'm just wondering 2 things. Do you have a proofreader/editor and how do you reply with the persons name

>>864283864283 It automatically puts the persons name

And no, as of now, I am without proof reader

>>864302864302 Hah I just noticed your name popped up instead of numbers

Also, I could be a proofreader if you wanted.

>>864315864315 I never really wanted a proof reader, since I like the freedom of publicizing chapters when I want. That and usually I proof read myself a few times.

(Truth be told, it's also hard because I just use the site to write the chapters because it's easier )

>>864330864330 Fair enough

>>864344864344 Thanks for the offer though

Image: http://i.imgur.com/psIdL.jpg

>>864356864356 wow that picture, I can't stop laughing

This fic could be vary good but it needs some serious cleaning what I do see I like but its vary rushed and filled with half finished ideals could use fleshing out

good but very fast paced but not quite sonic rainboom fast

ok im not reading through all those comments but rainbow got mad pretty fast or you just didnt put enough of her thoughts for it to make sense

ok i only said the negatives in the last ones and i cant explain what i like about something i just know i like it so

i like this but you need a lot of filler (also i would suggest when you finish a chapter wait a couple hours go back delete the first sentence then rewrite it but improved and repeat)

edit: dont repeat the couple hours part unless you're going through again though

why didn't she tell me about this

because she fucking hates you!

ok...

trololololol

did i really just read this in less then 3 minutes....wow....anywhooves

good chapter. way to short though. i expect the next one to be about....20% longer.

Love Twidash, its always been a favorite of mine!

Anyways the story is really good and all the characters are... well in character! So yay! The dialogue flows well and comes off natural.  I love the direction you are taking this story, but I have just one concern.  The individual chapters, and the story as a whole seem to be moving super fast.  For me anyways, there just doesn't seem to be any build up, there is no real tension.  I know this is supposed to be a romantic comedy, but even comedies need to have a strong rising action.  I know everyone hears this innumerable times, but I feel that the story needs more "Show vs. Tell"   Show the readers what exactly Rainbow and Twilight are feeling rather than telling us, show us how it felt for Rainbow to be on her first date with her best friend rather than just telling us.  

Despite all of that I do like the story, and I shall be watching it to see where you decide to sail with my favorite ship!

I can get into this, but the story needs a once-over for punctuation and such.

Shining... way to go man. Fixed that shit right quick.

A bit fast but nice save by Shining... almost like that's the reason he was there in the first place... hmm.... can't wait to read what happens next! *waves* Waiter! Chapter Six, please, Table Seven!

Stupid book.

Shining's gonna be in so much trouble!

this story could have been really good. but it seems that every chapter is rushed, and the dialogue is lacking

Thanks for updating this man!  But ending was bit rushed or that's what I think of...

Always rushed. So rushed.

And roses taste awful. Seriously, don't eat roses.

>>891564891564 well are you a pony? didn't think so.

Rainbow quickly shot down to try and catch Shining Amor, but when she saw he calm face she stopped

only mistake I saw

hahahaha shiny is sleeping on the couch for a week

though he seems to have done a good job yelling at his sister...which...doesnt seem at all canon ya know "We never had a single fight"

i dont think that would be broken because of her being mad at RD ...maybe a scolding...but not yelling....

especially after the wedding..