Groups
-
46w, 3dShipping
-
46w, 3dTwidash
-
46w, 3dOrganized Shipping (Most Common)
-
46w, 3dTwilight is Best Pony
-
46w, 3dTwilight Sparkle
"Rainbow, dear" Rarity said as she took a seat next to Rainbow Dash, "I think you're in love"
"How is that even possible?!" Rainbow said, suddenly taking flight.
"Well, ever since you got into Daring Do you've been spending a lot more time with Twilight, so maybe you developed feelings for her then"
"Seriously," Rainbow landed, nearly face to face with Rarity, "Are you saying I fell in love over books?"
"It would seem that way"
"Great, so I'm in love, but now what?" Rainbow began pacing back and forth, "She's my friend, and she's a mare! There's no way she'd want to go along with something like this!"
"She might, you never know dear" Rarity said as Rainbow began to pace even faster, "Maybe you should go clear your head, that might help calm you down"
"Yeah, maybe, well, see you later Rarity"
"Of course dear, if you need anything else don't hesitate to ask" Rarity said as she went back to work on a dress.
Rainbow Dash didn't quite hear what Rarity had said, but she didn't care, she had other things to think about. She just couldn't believe it, how could she be in love with an egghead like Twilight? There's no way they could have fallen in love over the Daring Do books, right? Without even noticing Rainbow had begun to fly in a circle, and was creating a small tornado, much to everypony's annoyance. After apologizing to everypony Rainbow flew off towards Fluttershy's cottage, hoping that the shy mare might have something that could help her.
Knock, knock, knock
Rainbow quickly tapped the door, as if doing so would make Fluttershy answer it faster. After a few minutes Rainbow pounded on the door again, only to have it opened by a very annoyed looking Angel.
"Oh, hey Angel, where's Fluttershy?" Rainbow asked as she looked through the doorway for any signs of the Pegasus.
"Why, hello there Rainbow, I didn't think you were going to stop by today" Fluttershy said as she made her way past Rainbow into the house.
"Were you out back or something?"
"Yes, one of the squirrels was having babies, so I had to help her give birth"
"That's gross," Rainbow said as she made a gagging motion, "but whatever, I need your help"
"With what?"
"Well, uh..." Rainbow said, her cheeks slowly turning red.
"Is it a stallion?" Fluttershy asked, taking a guess at what was making Rainbow turn red.
"No..."
"A mare?"
"Yeah..."
"Who is it?"
"Twilight" Rainbow muttered quietly.
"Who?"
"Twilight" Rainbow muttered again, slightly louder this time.
"I can't hear you"
"Urgh! It's Twilight, okay?!" Rainbow said as she threw her hooves into the air.
"Really, you love Twilight?! Oh my gosh!" Fluttershy said with a squeak.
"Yeah, now, can you help me out here?"
"What do you need help with?"
"I don't know if I should tell her"
"Why, are you afraid she doesn't feel this way about you?"
"No, of course not! There's isn't a pony in Equestria that doesn't love me!" Rainbow said as she pushed out her chest.
"Oh really?" Fluttershy said, obviously seeing through Rainbow's ego.
"Yeah I'm afraid, this is the first time I've ever fallen in love," Rainbow said as she softly landed, hanging her head low, "I mean, what if she doesn't accept, and then doesn't want to be friends anymore?"
"Don't worry Rainbow, I'm sure she accept you, all you have to do is tell her" Fluttershy said as she patted her on the back.
"Yeah, I guess, but how should I tell her?"
"You could ask her on a date, and tell her then"
"That's a great idea, thanks Fluttershy!" Rainbow shouted as she hugged Fluttershy just before she flew away. She knew what she had to do. She was going to ask Twilight out on a date, maybe to some fancy place in Canterlot, and then when things were settling down, tell her how she felt. It was the perfect plan, there was no way it would fail!
"Sorry Rainbow, but I'm really busy right now" Twilight said as if normal, but for Rainbow, those words were like daggers, each of them stabbing straight into her heart. She didn't even want to stay there, she just wanted to go find a cloud to sit on and cry. She gave Twilight her heart, and it was shot down. What was she going to do now? How could she tell Twilight how she felt if she didn't want to go on a date? Rainbow wasn't able to think about it for much longer, as she had completely broken down by the time she found a cloud. All that she could do was cry.
What was she thinking? Why would Twilight want to go on a date with an idiot like her? She's the princess' personal student, and Rainbow was just a weather pony! Rainbow couldn't help it, she was devastated. In such a short time she realized that she loved Twilight, and wanted to tell her how she felt, only to be shut down. She had never gone through something like this before, it was as if the Wonderbolts had told her she would never join them.
What if Twilight really is just busy? Rainbow thought to herself, Then, who would know how she really felt...
"Shining Armor!" Rainbow shouted as she took off towards Canterlot with the hopes that Twilight's brother would know something.
"Sorry, but we can't let you in"
"I'm the element of loyalty for Celestia's sake, just let me in!" Rainbow shouted as she tried to push past the two guards that were blocking her path. After a minute of struggling Rainbow gave up, knowing that there was no way she would be able to make it past them. Although her luck started to change when Shining Armor came around the corner, and started heading towards her.
"Rainbow Dash, what are you doing here?" Shining Armor said, obviously somewhat happy to see her.
"Well, I was hoping I could talk to you"
"Sure, what is it?"
"In private?"
"Oh, of course, just follow me" Shining said as he told the two guards to move out of the way. Rainbow made sure the that she had stuck her tongue out at both of them, but she couldn't tell if they had seen it or not, or if they even cared. She continued to follow Shining Armor through the castle, occasionally seeing a piece of art depicting her and her friends.
"So, what is it?" Shining Armor said as he made sure nopony was around.
"Well, I was wondering if Twilight talks to you about anypony she might like"
"Yeah, she does, but don't you already know?"
"Well, uh..."
"She hasn't told you yet has she?"
"Told me what?"
"She likes you, she's just too nervous to tell you"
"Really?!"
"Yeah, she told me after me and Cadance got back from our honeymoon"
"This is so awesome!" Rainbow suddenly remembered why she was here in the first place, "Then why did she turn me down when I asked her on a date?"
"Well, what reason did she give you?"
"That she was busy with something"
"Then she really was busy, or she was nervous about it"
"So I still have a chance?"
"Of course, just give her some time, then ask her again, I know she'll say yes"
"Awesome! Thanks for the help!" Rainbow said as she hugged Shining Armor.
"Anytime you need help with this, you can come see me, you know that right?"
"Now I do, and thanks again!" Rainbow said as she took off, flying full speed back to Ponyville, eager to help Twilight with whatever she's doing, hoping that the sooner it's done, the sooner she can ask Twilight out on a date.
Comments ( 31 )
What's making this work is that it's so Dashlike: the truth comes out before the tenth line, the immediate response is "Something must be done," and, well, it's hard to imagine, say, Fluttershy hitting up Shining Armor for clues to what his sister might be thinking.
So far, so good.
i am going to put this story on the shelf with my awesome-sauce, creepy pasta, and lie cake! you have made it on to the shelf of epic things my good friend.
Hm... Honestly, it seems like a good story-- in theory. But it also feels super rushed (even if it is Rainbow telling the story) and not as well thought out as I normally prefer. Maybe its just me?
"the two that reply" that is sad man, good jog and for now i gonna watch you![]()
I have to agree. Even if you follow Rainbow, though, it should be no less rushed.
On topic of my own opinions: very, very promising. Your grammar could use a lot of work, I.E. ALWAYS including one punctuation mark in a quote, whether it's a comma leading to the speaker, or just a period/exclamation mark.
Your characterization could be worked on a bit. Regardless of whether Dash is in love, I hardly doubt she'd burst into tears and run. I'd expect hard-headed her to keep trying again and again.
Regardless, still very promising for a first try. Tracked.
Well, i cant pass up a Twidash, the only other ship i like more is Flutterdash
it is rushed and what botherd me it was like. "Oh- i like her" and then "Her brother is tells her sisters secrets feelings like its nothing" and most chapters in fan fiction ahould be about 1500 words or more so its not to short. (and ive seen peaple with only like 250 words) its still a good read. but its not great. sorry if i sound like an asshole, but deconstructive critism is the best way to be a better writer.
yay
Just starting to read it, comments so far: What is the setting of the first scene? Where are RD and Rarity? Outside? Carousel Boutique? In a cellar at Sweet Apple Acres? Also, try to watch out for walls of dialogue. When writing, you need to intersperse the talking with actions, thinking, etc. Otherwise, it feels like just two talking heads.
I'll update this after I finish reading it.
UPDATE: So the part when RD gets shotdown is pretty good. There's some introspection, that's good. The pacing overall is a bit fast (again, probably due to lack of scene-setting) and the characters not quite who they normally are. Rarity doesn't really have a good explanation on why she blurts out what she thinks is up (a short 3rd-person POV of her thoughts would do the trick maybe), Fluttershy is a bit forward and I'm sure Shining Armor would not just out his sister like that.
Don't get me wrong, I love a good Twidash (and even not-so-good ones), and I like the concept so far, but the execution could use some work. I'll be watching this to see how it turns out :)
There is always more room for Twidash in the Library of Awesome. My reading preferences on this site are like, 90% Twidash with some here-and-theres that I eventually get around to. Can't read this now sadly, have to do lots of important things. *slams on the fav button*
favfavfavfav!
Always did like TwiDash, so it was almost needed for me to read this.
Rainbow seems ooc, what with her breakdown. Other than the fact it feels rushed (which was intended), it`s pretty good for a first effor.
All and all this is not bad. but its not great ether, The chapter seems a bit short, and I fined the dialogue on the boring side but that can be fixed if the characters were more in character.
for an example. Rarity was ok, bit needed to be a more pushy about the matter at hand. or Hoof if you will.
Rainbow seemed off as soon as she left Rarity's, before that she was really close. but fell form her cloud at the point.
Shining Armor. yes we have not seen much of him outside of being brain washed, but I really don't see hi have such loose lips about something as big as sis sisters love life let alone sexual preference.
as for dialogue. her is a tip I found to help me a lot. after you write it read it 5 times to your self then 5 times out loud. to really see how it looks. doing this will make your mind wonder over it and start to think of ways to make it sound better, or on way to add to it. then go back to it latter and do it again. I fin this to be a huge help when working with dialogue
Now do not take this as an attack on you. I rather like where this can go. and I would like to read more. I am just adding my 2 bits. And if you do take this as an attack I am sorry.
Good luck. and see you next chapter.
The reasons for Rainbow's love seem a bit iffy, but the storry seems to have an interesting enough start. Favourited, cant wait to see the next part.
you know it's storys like this and cute pictures that melt my heart and make my day







46