Chapter 8: The End
Chapter Eight: The End
By Thanqol
Fires were actually really, really hot. Bon Bon had previously been aware of fires as kind of warm, possibly unpleasant if you stood too close to one – but standing in a confined space with closed windows that was almost entirely on fire was an utterly different experience. It was like drowning in a solid blast of pure heat, breathing in smoke that scratched at her throat and filled her lungs with thick emptiness. She had resolved to take her chances with the zombies before Lyra conjured the protective bubble she’d used back at the swamp, blocking out the smoke and heat and letting Bon Bon catch her breath.
+My, that looks pleasant,+ thought Trustworthy, burning cheerfully. +Can I get some of that?+
Lyra’s horn started to glow again – but there was a shock of silent blue lightning and the spell fizzled and died. “My dear,” said the golden-armoured Blueblood from the stairs, “I believe you are forgetting something rather more important.”
“He’s on fire, Blueblood!” Lyra said, horn glowing again. Just as suddenly, it was cut off.
“Yes, my dear. And the detail you are forgetting is that it is your fire.”
“What?”
“I made mention of my earlier plan to toss the wretched corpse of your predecessor into the ruins of the fallen observatory,” Blueblood said, “but right now, you have presented me with a far better alternative. ‘Lyra d’Heartstrings botches a teleportation spell, causing a terrible fire that claims the life of a mysterious tar pony ambassador’. Not exactly an unbelievable headline?” Blueblood swatted away another of Lyra’s protection spells casually, “I don’t have to dirty my hooves dragging around a corpse or faking magical signatures or any such nonsense. All I have to do is cast a few counterspells and let nature take its course.”
Bon Bon was horrified. “What kind of Prince are you? What kind of pony are you?”
“Please. This ‘tar pony’ is doubtless associated with the takeover of my guard outside. I am treating him the same as I would any other monster that crawled out of the Everfree, as well as removing an unstable arsonist from Equestria.”
+Would it make any difference if I promised you, one pony to another, that I had nothing to do with that?+ thought Trustworthy McLegitimate. His calm thoughts were actually a little strained.
“Not even the slightest,” Blueblood affirmed.
Lyra’s next bolt of magic was aimed directly at Blueblood – and it sank into his golden armour with a slurping sound. “Oh please,” said Blueblood.
Bon Bon ran for the door. Blueblood snatched up the telescope with his horn and used it to conjure a shimmering barrier of force that Bon Bon ran smack into.
Lyra used the opportunity to run for the stairs and try the rather more direct approach of stabbing Blueblood with her horn. The Prince casually swatted her on the crown with the telescope, badly denting it in the process. Lyra stumbled back down the stairs. “Oh dear,” he said, holding it up, “that looked expensive.”
“You’re a maniac!” Lyra shouted.
“Me? Well I suppose I have been driven to it by the expectation that I am to marry somepony like you!” Blueblood said, tossing the telescope aside. “I am Prince Blueblood, heir to the Royal Princesses of Equestria themselves! I deserve only the greatest and most beautiful pony in all the land as my wife, not some incompetent musician! And if I am required to step over a few gullible failures and alien monsters to get what I want then that is a price I am willing to pay!”
+And that’s your final answer?+
*
“Rainbow Dash, knock off that pony’s hat.”
“You got it!”
Like an arrow of light across the night-time sky, Rainbow Dash surged into the face of Hoity Toity. Ineffable mirrored shades gazed impassively out from under a regal top hat and over a long blob of drool. With a single, casual wipe of her hoof the hat was knocked from the pony’s head.
+Hey! That’s rude!+ thought Hoity Toity.
“Just like I predicted,” said Twilight Sparkle happily, trotting over and looking at the fashion pony’s head. “Brain slugs.”
The bright green octopus-like creature atop Hoity Toity’s skull blinked innocently at them. +No. Not brain slugs. Haute Culture. Very modern.+
“What?” said Twilight. “You expect us to believe you’re a fashion accessory?”
“I’d believe it,” said Rainbow Dash. “Remember Fluttershy’s dress, with the bird eggs? This isn’t that much weirder.”
“Well, there’s a simple way to check.” Twilight said, levitating a salt shaker into the air and giving it three firm shakes over the octopus.
It made a hissing and bubbling sound, and almost immediately contracted into a small, dark green cube. The cube fell to the ground with a clink. There was no discernible change on Hoity Toity’s face, but he wiped away the line of drool with a handkerchief.
“Are you all right, sir?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
Hoity Toity shoved her out of the way to focus on Rainbow Dash. “My dear, you must tell me who designed your wonderful hat! So sleek, so understated, so eye-catching!”
“What, the Cone of Shame?” said Rainbow Dash. “It’s to stop me scratching myself.” She demonstrated by ineffectually pawing at the cone with her hind leg.
“Ah! Even the character is perfect! I see the fashion world opening up to the “Dirty Fillies” line! This could change the face of Equestrian fashion! Dear lady, would you be so kind as to visit my Best-of-the-Best Boutique in Canterlot?”
“Canterlot? Aw yeah, count me in!” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight unsteadily got to her feet.
“Rainbow! We’ve got to save Ponyville first!”
“But please! The fashion world moves so fast, if we do not act now you could miss your chance!” Hoity Toity protested.
“Don’t worry, I’m the fastest in Equestria,” Rainbow Dash bragged. “I’ll be done with this before you can dirty even one filly!”
*
“Of course it is my final answer,” said Prince Blueblood.
+No remorse? No repentance? No guilt in the slightest?+ Trustworthy thought. The blaze around him was intensifying; the tar pony was almost invisible behind the solid column of flame.
“I regret that it took so long to set into motion,” Blueblood said.
+All right. Don’t say I didn’t warn you,+
“Warn me of what?”
There was a sound like two wine bottles being uncorked.
“OF OUR FURY!”
“Auntie?” Blueblood said in a weak voice.
A silver horseshoe stepped out of the fire.
Trustworthy McLegitimate’s true features, finally revealed from the tar that had soaked him, shined outwards. His stiff middle set of legs were actually two graceful, sweeping wings. The strange lights that flashed along his head and neck were revealed as the light of thousands of stars. The grey metal hooves were delicate silver horseshoes. Green eyes that had seen the turn of ages flashed with wrath and starfire.
The fire did not touch him; he who had danced with stars had no fear of mere terrestrial flames.
Though the truth was that he was She; and She was the Princess of the Night.
Luna.
And on her head was a large, black, tentacled octopus with a single red eye. It waved cheerfully.
“THOU HAS PRIDE, BUT FOR WHAT WE HAVE YET TO DISCERN,” bellowed Luna in the traditional Royal Canterlot Voice. Her sheer volume blew out many of the smaller fires. “THY SOLE CLAIM TO GLORY IS THAT THY BLOOD IS DISTANTLY MINGLED WITH MINE. BUT THOU HAS NO IDEA HOW FAR THY LINE HAS FALLEN,”
“Now, auntie Luna,” Blueblood protested meekly, “I just wanted to avoid embarrassing –“
“THOU HAST EMBARASSED US ENOUGH! WE HEREBY STRIP YOU OF ALL ROYAL BLOOD AND PRIVILEGE!”
“Strip me of... my royal blood?”
“YES.”
“No!”
“BEHOLD.”
Luna’s horn alit with the light of stars and the deeper space between stars; a blue so deep and velvet it was far greater than any mere black. With a flick of her head, a single cut opened on Blueblood’s cheek and three small drops of blood fell to the ground.
“IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE THY HOUSE HAS KNOWN THE TOUCH OF ROYALTY THAT THIS IS ALL THE ROYAL BLOOD THAT REMAINED. THOU HAS LOST THY CLAIM EVEN TO THAT.”
“You can’t do that! That’s not how it works!”
“WHO REIGNS IN EQUESTRIA?”
“But –“
“BE SILENT!”
Blueblood closed his mouth.
+Wow, I should have done this way sooner!+ thought Trustworthy McLegitimate, sliding his tentacles back into Luna’s ears. The Princess’ jaw went slack. +Turns out I’m a Princess! I wonder what else I can do with this pony?+
*
It wasn’t often that Rainbow Dash got told explicitly that she was free to make the biggest hurricane she wanted and not have to clean it up afterwards. Normally a windstorm like this, especially during this rain, would send broken fragments of rainclouds scattering for miles and it’d take weeks to clean it all up. Right now she got to cut loose.
She herded the winds together and aimed them all at once at the house on the hill, surrounded by hundreds of hatted ponies.
*
“I can’t believe this? Trustworthy, how could you betray us?” Lyra asked. Bon Bon rolled her eyes.
+It was an accident! There I was, minding my own business in the bottom of a lake, and then BOOM! Pony Princess,+ Trustworthy thought.
“So you are responsible for everything weird that’s been happening to the town?” Bon Bon asked, because it counted to be certain.
+In my defence, I was really, really hungry,+ Trustworthy thought.
“So you, what, ate their brains?”
+Not at all! What do you take me for? I only ate their thoughts!+
“And the zombies?”
+Well, while their thoughts were recovering I called some of my family to take care of them while I was out and about. Think of it like a free vacation from having to live in your head!+
“And you’re going to give the Princess back now and go home, right?” Lyra asked.
+I was actually thinking I might stay. Me and Loony really hit it off up here. We’re like buddy cops! One’s a Princess, the other’s a parasitic brain slug. I mean, for our first adventure we stopped the evil plans of a rogue Prince and discovered the mystery of why the town was zombified.+
“You zombified the town!”
+Yes, we know that now. But before now it was a mystery, wasn’t it? And we solved that mystery. We’re just like real heroes! Imagine what we’ll do next week!+
“You don’t seriously believe what you’re saying.”
+We can call it “Trust Luna!”+
Lyra and Bon Bon exchanged looks.
And then the wind hit the building like the hoof of an angry god.
*
Rainbow Dash finished her pass over Lyra’s house, leaving an enormous shockwave of wind in her wake. Hundreds of hats soared up into the air, sucked along by her aftertrail.
And then an entire building – a salt saloon – soared overhead, lifted by the glow of purple magic, blocking out the moonlight, and sending a beautiful, snow-like rain of salt crystals pouring down onto the brain slugs below.
*
+What’s happening?+ Trustworthy asked, devoid of usual cheerfulness.
“You didn’t know it rains salt in Equestria?” Lyra asked.
+What?+
“Yep. Freak salt storms. All the time. Wouldn’t want to be a brain slug up here.” Bon Bon nodded.
+I – well, I suppose you’re a McLegitimate. What should I do?+
“Huh?” Bon Bon said.
+Us McLegitimates have to stick together!+ said Trustworthy with genuine conviction. +Surely you’re going to help me out of this jam? You’re not going to let me catch a face full of salt, right?+
“Uh. Sure,” Bon Bon said, still wondering as to Trustworthy’s thought processes. “First step is to get off Luna’s head,”
There was the sound of two corks popping as Trustworthy withdrew his tentacles from Luna’s ears. The Princess collapsed to the ground in a heap. +Done!+ thought Trustworthy.
“Step two of the plan is lock him in the oven, Lyra!”
Lyra lunged at the black octopus with both hooves.
Trustworthy moved like flaming grease, skidding across the room far more quickly than anypony expected. He made a lunge for Luna’s head but Bon Bon cut him off. He swarmed to the left, clambering over the screaming globe and up a wall and narrowly avoiding being caught in a bucket levitated by Lyra. He scrambled desperately up the stairs as the two ponies came after him.
And he jumped onto the head of Prince Blueblood, who screamed girlishly.
The tentacles slipped into his ears, and the Prince’s jaw went slack. +Alright. You and me. Let’s get out of here!+ Trustworthy thought.
“Stop, in the name of the Royal Guard” yelled somepony from outside. A blast of magic knocked most of the barricade loose.
+Oh darn. Darn darn darn. Oh, I know! Teleportation!+ Blueblood’s horn started to glow.
“No!” shouted Bon Bon, running forwards.
She lunged.
There was a flash of blue.
And she sailed directly into a wall.
*
As major disasters went, this one hadn’t really been all that bad.
Princess Luna regained consciousness in rather short order and proceeded to lower the moon, to the cheers of the townsfolk. The Ponyvillians didn’t seem to suffer any ill effects from their ‘vacation’, and indeed were mostly confused about the whole thing. No major buildings had been destroyed other than the observatory and library, and aside from a few broken windows and many, many lost hats the property damage had been fairly low. Ponyville took it in stride.
Twilight Sparkle was subsequently prosecuted for her role in magically calling a meteor down from the sky, hitting Princess Luna with it, and plunging her into a tar pit - possibly prompting a zombie apocalypse in the process. Twilight successfully defended herself on the grounds of there being a no-fly zone over Ponyville during a meteor storm and therefore having reasonable grounds to assume that there was nopony in the sky at the time. She comprehensively failed to prove that Lyra was to blame for any part of it, and wound up having to rebuild her own library as well as Ponyville Observatory to pay off her community service.
The Nightmare Fragment kept in Spike’s cook pot was forgotten about, and later sold in a yard sale. It waits there, in some poor pony’s kitchen cabinet, awaiting the moment it would again get the chance to terrorise innocent ponies.
Rainbow Dash spent about a week as the poster child of Canterlot Fashion, epitomising the ‘rough and tumble’ style, before being supplanted by ‘80’s Chic’. Rainbow Dash briefly wore the 80’s style before she tragically passed by a mirror and realised what she was doing with her life. The Cone of Shame wound up in a prop bin, where it eventually received a cameo as a traffic cone in a stage play.
And in a little cafe in Ponyville, on a sunny autumn afternoon, Lyra and Bon Bon were having tea together.
“I’ve been thinking, Lyra,” said Bon Bon, putting down her cup.
“About what?”
“You remember when Trustworthy escaped? How there was nothing we could do to stop him?”
“Yes. He could be anywhere by now.”
“Didn’t you tell me that you knew a spell to stop ponies from teleporting?”
Lyra was silent.
“I have a theory. I think that a rogue Unicorn Prince, in the service to an alien monster, at the heart of Canterlot’s government... I think that’s a big secret. A real secret. I think that that kind of thing doesn’t happen just every day. And I think that you couldn’t pass up that kind of perfect chance to be a hero.”
Lyra looked away.
“Lyra?”
“I’m sorry. I just thought... I wasn’t thinking... I didn’t know –“
“What are you sorry for? I said it was a perfect chance, didn’t I?”
Lyra looked at Bon Bon, eyes slightly red. “What?”
“Well, we can do it all again, except this time we’ll be chasing a real alien and a real conspiracy. Anypony could be a part of it.” Bon Bon said. “It could go all the way to the top.”
“You – but you hate conspiracies,”
“No. Conspiracy is a crime. Bringing down a conspiracy is whistleblowing. It’s heroic.”
“You mean it?”
“On one condition.”
“Anything.”
“When we catch up to Trustworthy, we bring him down. For real. No holding back.”
“Deal,” said Lyra, grinning like the dawn.
“There is one other complication...”
“What?”
“Princess Celestia’s always wearing a hat. Well, a crown thingy.”
“You think she –“
“Maybe.”
“We’re going to have to steal the crown of Princess Celestia off her head?”
“It seems like the only way.”
“I’ve actually had an idea for how I’d do something similar. I’m going to need some potato salad and a giant wooden alpaca...”
And the two friends discussed ways to break into Canterlot Castle and denude their immortal rulers of their headgear long into the night. Somewhere distant, Princess Celestia felt a strange chill run down her spine.
Life went on, as it had before. The sun still shined. The moon still glowed. One terrible lie was gone and there was a little bit more truth in Equestria. It was a small thing, but in the eyes of those two friends, it made all the difference in the world.
The End.
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That. Was. So. AWESOME!
This story was greatly enjoyable. I only have one query.
Does this make sense? I seriously don't know. The whole thing makes sense, and doesn't make sense, in a way that makes even less sense.
Then again, what fun is there in making sense?
Sweet. Looking forward to your next work, once more.
Holy McClusterfuck, that was one of, neigh, the craziest, most randomly awesome, certifiably wildest fanfics i've ever read. my hat is off to you sir.
out of five.
this story has earned five laughing Dashies
This was an OK end to what started as a hilarious series. I don't know the brain slug/tar golem plot just didn't work for me. I LOVED the museum bit to start the story...But the rest of it just didn't reach those heights. Overall though this was a great story. Favorited and archived onto my Kindle.
Well that was interesting. I like the Animal House style where are they now at the end.
I wish i could relive the experience of reading this again cuz it was incredible!
Princess Columbia approves of this fanfic!
This was a great story! Loved every bit of it, I think I'll go see what else you've written.
Also: is your username related to that of the skaven Grey Seer Thanquol from Warhammer? Just curious, really, since he's possibly my favourite villain. Even got a fun little crossover involving him up because it gives me the giggl- chuckles! It gives me the chuckles because I am a Man!
Huh, nice double fakeout with McLegitimate there.
Also, the bit where BonBon reveals she enjoys the madness, just prefers better excuses for it was a perfect ending.
wow
What just happened.
969026 Indeed, sir. Grey Seer Thanquol is the best villain ever.
Another!
Glorious
Yet more proof that Thanqol is best pony!
All I can say is that Truthy Mclegitimate will the name of my next rpg character.
well that was a rollercoaster
.....
There had better be a sequel containing alpacas!
Oh... Sequel time me think
This was totally sensible to me. 100% logical and not at all unreasonable.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must apply lemons to my nipples to call forth dark spirits of the underworld.
“I’ve actually had an idea for how I’d do something similar. I’m going to need some potato salad and a giant wooden alpaca...”
thog likes this.
This is just brilliant. Your writing style is really clever—you get the actions & emotions across very concisely by sprinkling in familiarish phrases ("She demonstrated by ineffectually pawing at the cone with her hind leg." Boom, image of a dog.) even though most of the plot itself is wonderfully bizarre. I'm not sure if I articulated that well, but anyway the important part was the compliment.
Please, please let there be a sequel. I beg of you.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_dealwithit.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_gaze.png
/)
(\
SO *AWESOME*!!!!!!
I laughed, I cried...mostly laughed.
This was seriously just *fun* to read. No higher props for a ponyfic. Well done!
970856 I guess so.
Epic.
I only read your description of this story and this kinda sounds almost like Fullmetal Alchemist, except without the whole go on the quest and get your bodies back thing. Now i will go and read it!!!!
This was fun. A sequel sounds great, but you'd have to be able to pull it off.
A strange chill running down Celestia's spine is her Royal Senses telling her someone is plotting against her.
NEED A Sequal!!
also, have bonbon stick her tounge in celestia's ear.
968867 Dude? Paul? Seriously. I've never made sense in my entire life. If I started now, there's a 27% chance that Dooms Day, or the Apocalypse, or whatever you call it will be brought upon us exactly 9 weeks early.
So, I'm perfectly fine reading things that senselessly make sense. It helps keep my mind occupied.
970153
thog brought breadcrumbs!
Omg........ WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?!?!?
That was epic!
But c'mon, I know I'm not the only one who thought of this:
images.wikia.com/en.futurama/images/7/7e/Brainslug.jpg
This was way too funny.
such a silly, goofy story, but you still brought it around to a sappy sweet conclusion in the end! great work! I'm so glad I had a chance to read it.
I still want to see more of rainbow as a fashion model, especially this ... um... new white trash style she's sporting. Is this like the pony version of burberry? Because that would be hilarious. Also, she could totally do the 80s. All she'd need would be big, black and white geometric beads!
971739 I have no objections to your lifestyle, or this fic. I liked this fic, very much so. In fact, I'm the same way, I seem to greatly enjoy things which don't make sense if they're done well. For instance, totallynotabrony's Dream series. They butcher logic, reason and everything good, and I loved it. And have you read Wnderer D's HiE Experiment, or whatever it's called? Falls into chaos at the end. And absolutely beautiful.
And another great example, this fic. I have some idea of what's going on, it's some level of random, and it's great.
And by the way, the amount of sense I make seems to vary. Sometimes I too can make little to no sense.
Now I just need to remember what I was supposed to say in the first place, I think I've gotten off track.
I’m going to need some potato salad and a giant wooden alpaca...”
Seems like things are about to go from Order to Sticky, yeah?
973730 Heh, fret not, brother o'mine, for I'm sure to have understood, on some level.
And yes, I love the Dream series, especially the spin-off with Vampire Cheerilee.
WandererD's HiE: The Experiment was amazing in its own right, though it tended to be too linear.
Rainbow wearing a Cone of Shame was the most amusing thing I've read in quite some time.
... That's a good ending.
Ha that was awesome
That was a great ending. Good job on this story.
Brilliant. It's times like these I wish this site had a fonze clause, so I could give you two thumbs up while yelling "AY!!!" then I might jump a shark. But I'd try really REALLY hard not to.
992368 'Plotbuster' is possibly the most intimidating pony name I've ever heard
That... made sense. HOW?!
994743 oh, you ponies. Your minds are so easily led into the gutter. Think of my name as a reference more towards the literary device, and on occasion a nefarious scheme or three
But call down my wrath and I WILL bust your plot into next Tuesday.
"I’m going to need some potato salad and a giant wooden alpaca...”
Is... is that... *dramatic music* ORDER OF THE STICK reference?!
... And ponies still celebrated, watched the sunrise and the moonrise just like they did before because ponies, ponies never change
this story made my day!
congrats for making my day!
11 out of 10 mustashes for you!
I loved it!