Would you like lumps with your Tiara?
Last time, on A Jewel of a Problem…our hero Cain had his mind flung from his world of Earth into the one mind no brony would ever wish to be stuck in; Diamond Tiara. Having learned when and where he is, Cain is now faced with the difficult task of finding a way to get his mind back home to Earth while avoiding letting slip that DT is no longer the bitch everyone knows her as, and to add insult to injury, he has to help every single Pony that Diamond Tiara slandered while she was running the school paper.
Will he succeed in his endeavor, or will he be trapped forever in the body of a pink and purple filly? Only time…will tell, muahahahahaha *hack, cough, cough*!
Where the heck did that come from? Don’t tell me I’m going to start hearing things as well, I’ve got enough problems now if ya haven’t noticed!
After Filthy had left, I sat my plot down on the floor as I took a moment to contemplate the situation I was in. I looked down at the floor and using the awesome powers of my imagination, I imagined a small sheet of paper sitting on the floor before me. Peering at it, I saw what looked like a list that seemed to describe my situation. At the top was a little sticker of what Equestria looked like when they showed it in Friendship is Magic.
Okay, so first off, we’re in Equestria. I looked around the room, trying to imagine any other place this could be, not forgetting that I seemed to be stuck in Diamond Tiara’s body and had just been lectured by Filthy Rich. Check.
The next item on the list was a sticker of a pony, with the words “You are a pony” following it. I turned and twisted my head, looking at each part of me to confirm I was indeed a pony, and not a human. I wasn’t going to bother checking to see if I was a filly or colt, but then I decided it was required. I did not need to somehow find out that I had also swapped DT’s gender in whatever had brought me here. That would blow ANY chance of avoiding suspicion with the ponies of Ponyville. One brief check later, I checked that one, adding to it “and am a filly”
The third item on my list… what the heck? Running out of time to get washed up? What the hay is that doing on-
“Diamond Tiara, five minutes till breakfast! Finish washing up and get down here!”
“Crap!” I yelped as I did a short jump into the air, my head twisting around as I tried to figure out where the bathroom was. There didn’t seem to be one in the bedroom, which annoyed the heck out of me as I stood up and started to make my way towards the door. I was only a foot away from it when I suddenly thought aloud, “Wait a minute, why am I not having trouble walking?”
Smack!
Just by saying that sentence, I seemed to have broken whatever it was that was making it so I could walk without a problem as I slipped and smacked my face into the door. Yelping in pain, I tried to stand back up on my hind legs, only to fall backwards and smack my head on the floor.
This… just isn’t my day, I thought to myself as I rubbed the back of my head and my nose, both of which stung but were otherwise undamaged. And I had a feeling that it was only going to get worse if I couldn’t figure this out, which would be hard to do if I let the already building anger at my inability to even walk get the better of me.
Taking a deep breath, I steepled my… hooves in front of me as I took a moment to look over how I had messed up, aside from the obvious invocation of Murphy’s Law (damn you to hell Murphy!)
I was doing just fine…until I realized I wasn’t having any trouble…I thought to myself, looking back at the bed which was several feet away. I had walked nearly all the way across the room before having any trouble, without even realizing it.
Come to think of it, I didn’t have any trouble turning that alarm clock off... I don’t think I even remember how I did it… I just did it…
An idea was forming in my head, but I had to try to confirm it somehow to know if I was right. Standing up, I started thinking about how I shouldn’t be used to walking on four feet. With this in mind, I tried to take several steps towards the bed…
Smack!
Into the floor I went! I rubbed my nose again as I got back up, and gathering my senses, I imagined my mind not having anything in it. No thoughts, just an empty void. Then I took a step forward, and another, and another one after that. Within a few seconds, I was back to standing next to the bed.
So that’s how I did it! I didn’t think about how walking on four hooves should be hard, I just walked! That’s… That’s… My mind trailed off as I tried to think of a good word that would fit this discovery. I decided that after a moment, convenient was a good word, though I had to wonder if using that word might come back to bite my plot later.
It certainly makes sense. I don’t think most people think about how they walk, they just do it. Now, if only all the other things I’m bound to have trouble with are this easy…
So, with this little obstacle cleared, I walked over to the door, feeling proud that I only nearly tripped once, and reached up to open the door with my hand-
Hoof, idiot. you have hooves now.
Right, how was it most ponies opened doors? I couldn’t open it with magic, since I wasn’t a unicorn. Did ponies ever use their hooves to open doors? I couldn’t quite remember if there had been an instance of such. I did however, remember that they used their-
Ugh. Why didn’t I pay attention when Filthy Rich did it?
With a grunt of frustration, I leaned forward with my mouth to grab the doorknob, when I saw it start to turn on its own. I gazed at it as it made the full turn, thinking to myself Am I doing that?
I think those smacks to the head left me a little slow, because I really should have known what was happening. In fact, I should have realized and then jumped out of the way. As it was, I was gazing at the doorknob as if in a trance when the door opened and smacked into my head, again. This time though, the door also slammed me into the wall.
“Miss Tiara? Your father sent me to come check on you. I didn’t see you in the washroom… um… Miss Tiara?”
“This is getting ridiculous…” I murmured as I slowly got up from behind the door, rubbing a hoof on my forehead in small circles, my entire head pounding from the brutal beating I seemed to be inflicting upon myself. I heard a yelp and looked up to see what looked like an amber colored mare with orange curly hair, wearing a maid outfit rushing over to me with a look of concern mixed with fear on her face.
“Miss Tiara! Are you alright? What happened to you?”
I tried to focus on the mare in front of me, or was it three? I shook my head to try to clear it up, but that only made my head hurt more. “Oww! My head!” I turned and glared at the door, wishing upon it a horrible and slow death by wood-chipper. She seemed to get the idea, as she suddenly started spouting,
“Oh my, I-I’m so sorry Miss Tiara, I didn’t mean to do that! Please don’t get mad at me! It was an accident honest!”
I turned to see her laying on her belly, hooves laid out in front of her as if she was bowing to me, fear written all over her face. My ears were ringing a bit, so I wasn’t sure of everything she was saying as she continued. I closed my eyes and shook my head lightly this time so as to not make it hurt as much. This seemed to work better, and opening my eyes I saw that she had stopped talking, and tears were running down her face as she looked up at me expectantly.
What the fuck is up with her? Hell, who is she anyway-oh. I fully noticed the maid outfit, and my brain reminded me who I looked like to this pony, along with everypony else in Ponyville. She’s probably a servant who works for the family, she must think she smacked me into the wall. Which, she had, in a sense, but that was because of my brain being stuck on park when it should have been in drive.
I should probably say something to her before she freaks out anymore. Causing panic attacks is not the way you go about keeping a low profile. “Uh hey, it was only an accident, no need to freak out over it or anything.”
For a moment, I thought she hadn’t heard me correctly, or that my mouth wasn’t doing what my brain instructed, when she started babbling out, “Oh please don’t tell Mister Rich! I don’t want to get punished! I-I know, I’ll take you to your favorite ice cream store, I’ll-”
“Huh? What are you talking about? I said it was an accident, geeze, do you need hearing aids or something?” I rolled my eyes at her babbling, wondering if I had waited a bit too long to say something to her, when she seemed to perk up at my words, though what she said next caught me a bit off guard,
“You..You mean you’re not gonna ask your father to punish me? Or fire me?”
I gave her an incredulous look as she stood up, hope twinkling in her eyes. A sick feeling was beginning to form in my gut, so I decided to keep talking so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
“Are you deaf?” She shook her head no, and I added “Did I say I anything about telling daddy?” She shook her head no again. Sighing, I put a hoof to my face as I said “Look, just forget about the whole thing okay? I need to go get cleaned up before daddy comes up here and scolds me again-gyah!”
The maid had grabbed me with her forehooves and was hugging me to her chest as she repeated “Thank you thank you thank you!” I tried to say something, but all that came out was an unintelligible mumble. “Oh, you don’t know how much this means to me Miss Tiara! I was so worried about making a mistake after the others told me about you and I…”
Great, she’s new. I thought to myself, wondering if that would make things easier or harder. It didn’t sound like she had stopped, and I’m sure she would have kept going on like that, were it not for the fact that I decided it was time for her to let me go so I could get some air. Since she didn’t seem to be paying attention to my attempts at talking, I did the only thing that came to my mind.
I bit her.
“Ouch!” She yelped, letting me go, which, much to my annoyance, meant a short drop to the floor. Luckily, it was only a foot down, so I didn’t have any trouble landing on my hooves.
“Air!” I gasped, taking in a deep breath and releasing it before looking up at the surprised face of the maid as she rubbed at her chest. “Next time… find a different way… to express your excitement, would you?”
Her cheeks went a bit red, and she sheepishly murmured “Yes Miss Tiara.”
I shook my head, rolling my eyes again. This was a waste of time for everyone involved, so I decided to get things moving by asking “Sooo, why are you up here?”
“You didn’t hear me when I came in?” She replied, and my response was to point a hoof from her to the door, and then back to my head. She got that embarrassed look again as she murmured “Right, I could see how that would make it hard. Your dad sent me up to see if you were getting washed up…Err…did you already get washed up?” I shook my head at this, and she put on a weak smile as she said “Well then, I guess I need to help you get washed up then, your father wanted you downstairs as soon as possible…” That fearful look came back to her face, and it wasn't hard to guess what she was likely thinking about, so I sighed and turned towards the door, replying,
“Well, let’s get it over with.” She nodded, and started for the door. I started to follow after her, then stopped and added “Hold on a sec.” I didn’t bother to see if she had stopped or not, figuring she would stand as still as a statue if I told her to, and I ran back inside the room and over to the dresser. As much as I didn’t want to, I grabbed the little tiara that was Diamond Tiara’s and trotted over to the maid and mumbled “Ready.”
And so, with a freaking tiara sitting in my mouth (which tasted disgusting I will add) and a nervous rookie maid leading the way, I finally stepped out of Diamond Tiara’s room and into an expansive hallway that was painted a soft white, with large windows showing the thatched roofs of Ponyville in the distance.
Wonder how big this house is…I thought to myself as I followed the maid, who quickly led me to a spacious bathroom that was a good four or five times bigger than my own house's bathroom. It actually looked like it belonged in one of those fancy hotels you see commercials of on TV all the time, which makes sense when you consider that Diamond Tiara’s dad was rich (Filthy Rich, HAH), and that’s not even taking into consideration the possibility of her mom. If she has one I reminded myself.
The maid, who I learned was named Ginger Gold and had been working here for a week, quickly led me towards a big bath tub. I don’t know if Diamond Tiara always had a maid help her get washed up or not, but considering the fact that I wasn’t exactly sure if I could do it myself properly, I didn’t complain. I did, however, make sure to memorize what she did so I would know in the future. After all, I had no idea how long I might be stuck in DT’s body, and I don’t know about you, but I can bathe myself perfectly well thank you very much.
After drying off, she helped brush my mane into its normal state after I tried and failed to do so with my mouth. It was my turn to be embarrassed when she gave me an odd look and simply picked the brush up with a hoof and started pulling it through my mane.
Guess that answers that question. With that knowledge in hoof, I was able to ensure that I was able to at least do something by myself as I set the tiara atop my head, looking at Diamond Tiara’s, or I suppose I should say my, reflection to make sure it was sitting where it should. Since it didn’t seem out of place, I hopped down from the stool I had been sitting upon and made my way out the door with Ginger in tow. As I stepped back into the hallway, I picked up the wonderful smell of muffins floating in the air. My stomach growled, reminding me that I was indeed hungry, and without thinking, I dashed down the hallway, following the scent of breakfast like a dog chasing after a cat.
“Miss Tiara! Slow down, you’re going to-”
I turned my head and shouted back to her, “Don’t you say it!” but as I finished saying that, I did exactly as she expected as one of my hooves got caught in the rug and I was sent rolling into a nearby wall. When I opened my eyes, I saw an upside down Ginger looking down at me in concern.
“Are you alright Miss Tiara?”
I closed my eyes and groaned, and wondered if this was an omen of what was to come.
This was going to be one long ass day.
~^~
After that incident, I walked the rest of the way to the dining hall, with Ginger walking right beside me. I had a feeling she thought that if I wasn’t right next to her at all times, I might get myself hurt again. Which, considering the brief time we had known each other, wasn’t all that much of a surprise. I wouldn’t have been amazed at all if she suddenly pulled out a roll of bubble wrap and wrapped me up in it.
Reaching the dining hall, I saw Filthy Rich sitting at the end of a long table that could have comfortably seated twenty or more ponies. Like the rest of the house that I’d seen so far, it looked like what you figure a rich person’s dining room would be. I guess it was a good thing that having lots of nice stuff didn’t impress me, as otherwise I probably would have been looking at everything in awe a few times, and for me to do that while imprisoned in Diamond Tiara’s body would not be the smartest thing to do.
“I was wondering when you’d get down here. I was getting ready to send a search party.” Filthy said, looking up from the newspaper that was sitting in front of him, smiling at me. “You look as pretty as always my little Princess.”
Not being someone who really cared how I looked, the compliment meant nothing to me, but I put a smile on anyways as I sat down near him and I replied “Thank you Daddy, Miss Ginger helped me.”
He nodded at this, and flashed a smile at Ginger as he said “Cherry Tart should be finished with the muffins, bring the plates out here please.” Ginger nodded and headed through a nearby door into what I assumed was the kitchen. I noticed that as she left the room, Filthy’s gaze seemed to be following her back before the door blocked her from sight. I remained silent, pretending I saw nothing as I sat quietly at the table. Filthy took his eyes away from the door and went back to reading his paper, leaving the room in an (in my mind) uncomfortable silence. As the seconds ticked by, I decided I couldn’t stand the silence and asked,
“So, Daddy…”
“Yes Princess?” He replied, not even looking away from his paper. This rankled me, but I did my best not to let any of my annoyance slip out as I continued,
“Do I really have to help all those ponies?”
He sighed, turning the page before answering. “Yes dear, you have to help each and every pony the paper slandered while you were heading it. I’ve been lenient in the past, but not this time. Besides, it’s a good thing to help others out. It helps build character.”
I wasn’t going to argue that Diamond Tiara couldn’t use some character, heck, I was all for it, but not while I was her. I nodded weakly, looking down at the table, figuring he was finished. He seemed to be, as he said nothing else, going back to focusing on his paper. But then he added,
“Oh yes, you’ll be helping the Apple family today, seeing as you slandered all of them here in Ponyville.”
The brony in me wanted to jump into the air and shout “HUZZAH!!” at the idea of getting to meet the Apples, but the me that wanted to find a way to get home as soon as possible forcibly dragged the brony down and tied him to a stump. I then retorted, “But I didn’t put anything about Apple Bloom in the paper, just her kooky family.”
“That ‘kooky’ family happens to provide us with nearly half of our wealth, and you’ll do well to remember that,” He said. This time, he looked over his paper to gaze at me, his eyes as stern and unyielding as a glacier. “And you threatened to slander Apple Bloom and her friends, so that counts just as much. You’ll be helping each of them today with some of their work, or whatever else they ask of you. Is that clear?”
I gritted my teeth but nodded all the same. I had the sudden hope that the Apples would give me small, simple, and easy-to-finish tasks so they could get me out of their hair and I could work on finding a way out of here. But considering how my morning thus far had gone, I didn’t expect it’d be that easy.
“That’s my Princess. I know you don’t like it, but you’ll understand why I’m doing this someday.”
I highly doubt that, I thought to myself. I was tempted to make some sort of sarcastic comment, but Ginger chose that moment to push in a cart laden with all sorts of muffins and a pitcher of orange juice and a big steaming cup of coffee. My eyes lit up at the sight of them and a wide smile made its way across my face. There was oatmeal raisin, banana nut, chocolate chip, apple cinnamon, I think I saw one that looked like someone had decided to cross cherry cobbler with a muffin in there. I waited until she had set everything down before I reached out to snag a muffin…
“Ah ah ah, I know you're hungry sweetie, but aren’t you forgetting something?” Filthy said, and I looked over to him and saw that he had placed his hooves together on the table in a manner roughly similar to how a human prayed before a meal.
Intrigued, I merely nodded and did the same, and he bowed his head down and said “Thank you Celestia, for without your life-giving sun, we would not have this bounty of food upon our table. Amen.”
Well, that was certainly interesting to hear. Guess that’s something to tell the bronies back on Earth, I thought to myself as I reached out and grabbed a muffin, this time not being stopped as Filthy himself did the same. Ginger excused herself, giving me a sheepish wave before darting back into the kitchen.
After several delicious muffins and two tall glasses of OJ later, and I felt loads better than I had a short while ago. My head still throbbed softly, but it was fading away. I looked over at Filthy, who was finishing off his glass of coffee, and I decided to ask something that I had become curious about as I ate.
“Hey Daddy, when do I have to go help the Apples?”
Filthy looked up at a clock set in the wall, which read half past eight. “I told the Apples that you were to be there by eleven o’clock, so you have until then to do what you wish. But,” he said, putting emphasis on the word to make clear that I should make sure I remember what came next, “I don’t want you to try to find a way to sneak out of it. If you do try to, I won’t let your friend Silver Spoon come over for a week.”
You would think that I wouldn’t care about that, but surprisingly, I did. Firstly, because Filthy would probably get suspicious (or at least I would in his position) if his daughter didn’t care if she couldn’t have her best friend over for a week. Secondly, she was the only pony in Ponyville I could think of that I wouldn’t have to act like an asshole towards, not to mention it’d be somepony who wouldn’t want to keep about a ten foot distance from me.
And third…I don’t know why or how I felt this way, but I felt that if there was anyone I could tell my situation to at the moment, it would be Silver Spoon. Obviously, I couldn’t do it right away, but if I needed to, I had a feeling that Silver Spoon would be the first to believe me.
“I understand Daddy. I’ll be there.” I said the last with a huff, but I laid my head down on the table as a resigned expression spread across my face. Short of finding a book called “Interdimensional Mind Travel for Dummies” or me just suddenly being sent back, I was going to have to behave, and not behave, as Diamond Tiara would.
Still, with two and a half hours, I could try to get somewhere in my quest to get back home. And there was only one logical place to start.
Ponyville’s Public Library…or whatever the fuck they called it.
“Well…I’m going out for a bit then. Maybe I’ll see if I can find Silver Spoon and talk to her for a while before I go to Sweet Apple Acres.”
“That sounds like a good idea. Just remember, eleven o’clock is when you need to be there. Oh, and you’ll be there for six hours, so try not to exhaust yourself before then,” Filthy replied, to which I nodded before standing up and walking out of the dining hall and into the house's main hall.
It’s a good thing that they're right next to each other, and I would have hated to have to try to find the front door by myself. I thought to myself as I made my way towards it, pushing it open and stepping into the sun-filled courtyard. I had to shield my eyes for a brief moment, as the sunlight was brighter than I had expected it to be.
It’s what I get for working graveyard…though Luna would probably think it’s awesome there are people up and about during the night. Once I had adjusted to the light, I saw that the path leading up to the doors also lead out of the courtyard and towards Ponyville. It looked to be about a twenty minute walk or so, but that would have been as a slightly heavy human. As a young filly Earth Pony however, I had to hazard that at most it would take ten minutes.
“Only one way to find out…I hope you’re not so prim and proper that you can’t run, Tiara.” I muttered, taking a deep breath as I broke into a fast trot, quickly heading out of the courtyard and down towards Ponyville. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take long to find the library, or to find what I needed.
And hopefully, nopony will bother me and take up some of my precious, precious time…
…
Luna damnit, I did it again.
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As I said with the previous chapter, if you have any suggestions or comments as to how I can improve this chapter, please, lend me your ears!
.........not like that
But seriously, if you think there's something I can add, remove, or alter to make this chapter better, please don't be shy. I may be sounding like Rarity here (and hopefully this won't-no, not gonna say it, not this time murphy!) when I say this, but if you enjoy the chapter, than I enjoy the chapter.
Okaay... I think little more interactions and prejustice would be nice. He's Diamond Tiara after all, that filly has reputation and everypony in Ponyville already know her. She has friends - not only Spoon, I think - colts who adore her, acquantances, enemies, just ponies who like\dislike her, teacher knows her too and may say something about Foal Press... something like that.
And try to make her ... real. Not all bad, not all nice - just filly with difficult character. Not exactly good with others, but she does have talents. Like, ordering ponies around. She's good manager?!)
Awesum :3
How much d'you wanna bet Tiara wished that the punishment would happen to "anypony but" her?
I'm enjoying the story so far, especially the mental checklist. Can't wait to see what shenanigans not-DT gets into next.
850140
Prejudice is the term I believe your looking for. As for reactions, its currently limited to Filthy Rich and a new maid named Ginger Gold (who happens to be a random background pony I picked randomly from the list of earth ponies list).
I will admit theirs a chance she has other friends besides Spoon, but I think Spoon is her only "true" friend. As for colts/fillies who adore her, that's also questionable.
Also, by any chance, may I make the guess that English is not your first language?
850177
She probably would wish somepony else would be blamed, which was actually happening to the CMC before they did that last article. Unfortunately, now I have to go thru it. But hey, at least we can all assume DT, if she is stuck in my body, that she is stuck in a straight jacket in a funny farm somewhere.............damnit.
850207
Tons no doubt. Especially considering I have temper problems, and can be as stubborn as a mule.
It doesn't help that any negative emotion I experience eventually becomes Anger (and if it was already anger, it becomes fury) My ability to control it is good, but it shall without a doubt be put to the test.
btw, if your not, make sure when reading not-DT/my lines, your reading them with DT's voice speaking them. Some of them may be amusing that way :p
850239
You can, and you will be correct :D Hope I'm not as awful as I think. And she may have more friends...say, remember Apple Family Reunion? Why not Rich's Reunion, where her sisters\brothers and family friends meet each other?
I enjoy the chapter. My only concern is that the story might stall and die if you haven't planned out at least a rough idea of what's going to happen. Apart from that though, I like it. The bit with the maid was clever, making her new allowed you to skip the awkwardness of explaining any differences and the interactions showed us a lot about the difference in character between Tiara and Cain.
850239 I recently went on a Friendship is Witchcraft watching spree, so I've been imagining not-DT's voice from that. Which is pretty hilarious in its own right. Looking forward to doing the same with Silver Spoon.
Another brilliant story to brighten up my day.
Thank you
Just a thought
If he is in DT body
DT should be in his body
Well. Obviously you have to make it as hard as possible for Cain since he is afterall in DT's body. Let the Pain Train begin.
I look forward to him having to help the Apples.
851765 DT is not going to be happy doing physical labor.
850066 No complaints about this story, and it's one I want to see finished.
If this were your typical after school special, the main character would learn her lesson somewhere near the end of the hour. It sounds like Filthy Rich is expecting his daughter to learn a lesson. So at some point, if Cain realizes that, he can "learn his lesson" and start being nice.
Then Diamond Tiara will get her body back, and it will look to everyone else that she quickly forgot her lesson.
852731
Thats assuming she doesn't get dropped off in the nearest psych ward. I like to think of this as similar to the ST TOS episode Mirror, Mirror. Someone who isn't spoiled or an asshole can act like such, while someone who is both of those will have trouble being nice and unspoiled.
852741
This assumes a few things that shall be answered...in time.
DT could prove to twiligth that she is possessed by snapping her diara in half. Everybody knows it was her most prized possesssion, and doing that with a poker face convinces everypony shes possessed/insane/heartless.
854982
However, Cain could be, I don't know, so merciful and kind that he can't do that to poor, poor DT.
856064
Or DTs personality will start to take control in the last possible moment and he will stop, reafirming everypony that DT is just trying to escape her punishment...
856362
Oh, poor Cain...
They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha Ha,To Funny Farm,Where is Beautiful all the time And I'll be happy see those nice young men with clean white coat
Pony grace
I haz idea! Make Diamond Tiara bit by bit nicer to other ponies.
854982
856064
I had thought of this, and am to an extent considering it. It would actually be very interesting with what I've come up with for DT's backstory. However, first I must find out if there is even possibly a way to get home. Of course, it should also be noted that I might not do such in front of Twilight, but in front of others.
As for being nice...I am nice to nice people, and evil to evil people. However...is DT really evil or more just a jerk, in which case I'd just be a jerk to her. But yes, as glycose pointed out, there is that, in both cases. I haven't YET stated whether or not Diamond Tiara's soul/spirit/mind/personality has been swapped, or if its been simply repressed, mostly because I quite haven't settled on which way I want to go.
870160
Technically, it be me being nicer while inside DT's body. And while this show is known for heel face turns, I could see many not believing DT's actually changed.
870578
Hey, I understand that. If it wasn't for the fact that I find this to be highly amusing and enjoyable to write, I would never have put myself thru this horrible, horrible ordeal
Hello, it's DarkShockBro again! I'm liking this chapter, but there are a few things that I would just like to bring up, all of them having to do with the actual event structure of the story, as your grammar was pretty spot-on, even though there were a few minor errors in the first half of this chapter.
First off, why was Diamond not injured when she fell on her face? I would imagine that would leave at least a bruise, and as a result, the scene with the maid...didn't exactly hold a lot of weight, and felt...a tad unnecessary.
Second, this may be something that just bothered me, but why is Filthy Rich punishing Diamond so harshly for the gossip column? There was never any real backlash against it until Rarity confronted Sweetie Belle, and considering how much of a business family she lives in, I believe the blackmail was used to maintain her "business" considering nopony else but the CMC got what she wanted. I also believe she didn't buy Sweetie Belle's story about the columns hurting the feelings of other ponies, especially considering the lack of backlash the paper received, and business generally being about ruthlessness. I'm assuming she didn't know some of this but still...it just feels a little out of place, is all. But, then again, I could be wrong, so...just go with what you think would work.
Anyway, another great chapter, and I'm looking forward for more!
902985
Eh, forget my point that said Diamond wasn't injured. Still, the maid scene felt more like a time-waster than anything, because we pretty much already know Diamond is rich.
902998
The maid scene was necessary when you remember that I, being stuck in Diamond Tiara's body, have no knowledge of the layout of her house, nor of any of the servants who may work for the family (or, I at least currently don't have access to such memories/knowledge) In other words, I would have spent a good chunk of my time trying to even figure out where the bathroom was, and try to figure out where the kitchen might be. Which, while amusing in its own right, would have led to a much earlier revealing that something is up with DT than I was wanting.
As for the punishment, reputation is probably very important to their family, and with his daughter basically slandering darn near everyone in Ponyville, along with probably a few in Canterlot, you think that won't effect his business?
Regarding their being no backlash, I think there was backlash going on, but it didn't effect them as much as the rejection of their family and close friends did. After all, it wasn't really until the mane six that they really wanted to not be gossip writers. Plus, showing some of the random background ponies being upset at the CMC wouldn't hold as much power as showing the mane six being mad at them.
I greatly appreciate the critiques, and I look forward to your thoughts on the third chapter once I finish it.
Ack... the typos... the grammatical errors... the repeated words... make them stop, please, make them stop!
I'm going to go ahead and go through a little list of just small things that you can easily edit and change.
Just minor suggestions, mind you, so make sure and take it with a grain of salt. I do like the story.
Okay, here goes.
I turned and twisted my head, looking at each part of me to confirm I was indeed a Pony, and not a human. -- I don't understand why you capitalized Pony here. It seems unnecessary and incorrect.
Yelping in pain, I tried to get stand back up on my hind legs, only to fall backwards and smack my head onto the floor. -- to get stand back up. Either get rid of the get, or get rid of the stand, please. And how do you smack your head "onto" the floor? I think you're using the wrong preposition there. "On" should work just fine.
Taking a deep breath, I… steepled my hooves in front of me as I took a moment to look over how I had messed up, asides from the obvious invocation of Murphy’s Law (damn you to hell Murphy!) -- the '...' seems like it's in the wrong place. Perhaps put it after "my" and before "hooves" to illustrate Cain's temporary confusion with his new body. Also, it should be "aside from". "Asides" just sounds silly in that context.
I was doing just fine…until I realized I wasn’t having any trouble…I thought to myself, looking back at the bed which was several feet away; Which meant I had walked nearly all the way across the room before having any trouble. -- Do you not understand the purpose of a semicolon? Either change it to a comma and make the which in lowercase, or delete the "Which meant".
and this time I took a deep breath in -- It seems like you're taking quite a lot of deep breaths. Perhaps try to add some variety, changing one of them to "inhaled deeply" or "attempted to gather my senses" or something along those lines. Not exactly incorrect, but just a possible point of improvement.
Hoof idiot, you have hooves now. -- When you say this aloud, do you pause after the word "Hoof"? If so, you might want to change up the punctuation a bit. Perhaps "Hoof, idiot. You have hooves now." I know it's just a thought, but it's an easy fix.
With a grunt of frustration, I leaned forward with my mouth grab the doorknob, -- I think you might have accidentally deleted a "to" there, as evidenced by the added space. Easy fix, though, like most of these.
because I really should have known what was happening. In fact, I should have known and jumped out of the way. -- two 'should have known's a bit too close together for comfort. When you read it aloud to yourself, doesn't it sound a little bit awkward? Perhaps change one of them to a variant of "realized" or "understood", to add some variety. Nopony likes to like, read the same word, like over and over again.
“This is getting ridiculous…” I murmured as I slowly got up from behind the door, rubbing a hoof my hoof in small circles as my head pounded from the brutal beating I seemed to be inflicting upon myself. -- 'rubbing a hoof my hoof'. You've got to decide on one or the other, my friend. I'm surprised no one else noticed this one.
I heard a yelp and looked up to see what looked like an amber colored mare with orange curly hair and wearing a maids outfit rushing over to me with a look of concern mixed with fear on her face. -- Why the "and" here? It seems to be completely unnecessary, because it is. Perhaps change it to "with curly hair, wearing a maid outfit". I don't think "maids outfit" is quite correct. Either there needs to be an apostrophe in there somewhere, or it just needs to lose the s.
I closed my eyes and shook my head, lightly this time so as to not make it hurt as much, which seemed to work better before opening my eyes to see that she had stopped talking, and tears were running down her face as she looked up at me expectantly. -- more of an opinion here, but I think this sentence could be comfortably divided into a few smaller ones. But this one would be a stylistic choice.
What the heck is up with her? Heck, who the heck is she-oh. I fully noticed the maids outfit, and my brain reminded me who I looked like to this pony, along with everyone else in Ponyville. -- lot of hecks here, when I see you have no qualms even using the "F word". Couldn't you manage a buck or two, perhaps? Also, not everyone. everypony.
I should probably say something to her before she freaks out anymore, don’t need to be giving the help panic attacks. -- don't need to be giving the help panic attacks. Just...wrong. Perhaps "don't need to be causing panic attacks" or "inducing panic attacks" would work more smoothly.
That fearful look came back to her face, and I could already guess what she was thinking, so I sighed and turned towards the door and replied, -- Quite a lot of 'and's here. Maybe it's just me, but if you could alter a sentence a bit to take one or two out, I think it would help. But this is a bit nitpicky of me. Moving on.
Wonder how big this house is…I thought to myself as I followed the maid, who quickly led me to a spacious bathroom that was a good four or five times bigger than my own houses bathroom. -- house's. Otherwise it is a plural and makes zero sense. And we want to make sense, don't we?
I did however, make sure to memorize what she did so I would know in the future. -- I think you need one more comma before the 'however' here.
Which considering the brief time we had known each other, wasn’t all that much of a surprise. -- comma between which and considering, needed.
I'm going to take a break for now, because I have other things to do, but I will return later to edit the rest. Good luck correcting these only very minor flaws! The story is still intriguing, and I look forward to more chapters!
Second bout of editing!
I guess it was a good thing that having lots of nice stuff didn’t impress me, as otherwise I probably would have been looking at everything in awe a few times, and for me to do that while Diamond Tiara’s body would not be the smartest thing to do. -- while IN Diamond Tiara's body. Or while imprisoned within Diamond Tiara's body. But not just while Diamond Tiara's body.
Ginger nodded and headed thru a nearby door into what I assumed was the kitchen. -- why are you using thru instead of through? There's no need to cut down on the letters in order to save space, and this isn't a matter of very informal writing such as a text message. It would be safer to stick with through.
I noticed that as she left the room, Filthy’s gaze seemed to be following her back before the door blocked her from site. -- Having trouble with homophones, good sir? Site is incorrect here. Site refers to a location, like a dig site, or a web site. What you're looking for is sight, as in vision, or seeing. Simple error, easily fixed as always.
I said nothing, pretending I saw nothing as I sat quietly at the table. -- the double nothings are kind of...well, bad. Any way you could change this up a bit? Such as "I remained silent" rather than "I said nothing", or instead of "pretending I saw nothing" you could say "feigning ignorance of his actions". It's up to you, though. Just watch it with repeated words close to each other.
leaving the room in a (in my mind) uncomfortable silence. -- an uncomfortable. Not a uncomfortable. An when the next word starts with a vowel, unless the vowel is pronounced like a y, such as "usual" or "urinate".
“Oh yes, today you’ll be helping the Apple family today, seeing as you slandered all of them here in Ponyville.” -- I make this mistake sometimes -- you used today twice in the same sentence. One of them needs to be deleted. Your choice whether the former or the latter.
but the me that wanted to find a way to get home as soon as possible forcefully dragged the brony down and tied him to a stump. -- I think the word you might be looking for is "forcibly". I believe it would fit better in this context, but this does not necessarily need to change.
I then repeated what he said to myself and retorted, “But I didn’t put anything about Apple Bloom in the paper, just her kooky family.” -- This is an interesting one. After all, the subject of the sentence is I, but the "myself" doesn't match up with the "he". You don't need myself here. You need "me". As in "I then repeated what he said to me and retorted," . You don't have to be afraid to use the word me. Sometimes it's perfectly acceptable, grammatically. I think the trick here is with the preposition. Actually, you can just delete the entire awkward phrase, and leave it simply as "I then retorted". It would flow a lot better, and lessen my imagined headache, especially since DT/Cain isn't actually repeating anything here. Bah, this sentence just confuses me.
and you’ll do well to remember that.” He said, -- should be that," he said,
small, simple, and easy to finish tasks -- perhaps hyphenate them? To easy-to-finish tasks.
There was oatmeal raisin, banana but, chocolate chip, apple cinnamon, I think I saw one that looked like someone had decided to cross cherry cobbler with a muffin in there. -- should be banana nut, I believe. Alas, the difference between one key changes the entire meaning rather drastically.
“Ah ah ah, I know your hungry sweetie, -- this one almost made me facehoof. It should be "you're hungry" . The only situation with your would be one which involved possession, rather than a contraction of you and are, such as "Ah ah ah, I know your hunger is always as demanding as you are, sweetie," where it is shown that the hunger belongs to DT. C'mon, man. You should know the differences between your and you're, and their, there, and they're.
so you have until then to do what you wish. But.” He said, putting emphasis on the word -- Wrong wrong wrong! If it ends in a period like this, you have to change it to a comma, and un-capitalize the 'he'. Goodness gracious.
but I laid my head down on the table as resigned expression spread across my face. --- Don't you mean a resigned expression? Fix it, I say!
“Well…I’m going out for a bit then. Maybe I’ll see if I can find Silver Spoon and talk to her for a bit before I go to Sweet Apple Acres.” --- notice the two bits, right next to each other? Bad. Change one of them to "a while" or change the first one to "a stroll" ... or whatever the equivalent would be in Equestria jargon.
Just remember, eleven o’clock is when you need to be at there. --- Seriously? Just get rid of the 'at'. It's unnecessary and incorrect. Oh well.
Oh, and you’ll be there for six hours, so try not to exhaust yourself before then.” Filthy replied, --- Please, please change the period to a comma.
and walking out of the dining hall and into the houses main hall. --- There needs to be an apostrophe here, otherwise, as a plural, it makes no sense. So "house's" , not "houses".
It’s a good thing that they're right next to each other, I would have hated to have to try to find the front door by myself. --- Instead of a comma, you should use a semicolon, because they can both basically stand alone as sentences. You could also insert a conjunction (each other, and I would have hated)
and stepping into the sun filled courtyard. --- should be 'sun-filled'.
I hope you’re not so prim and proper that you can’t run Tiara.” --- Needs a comma in here, to indicate a pause... unless 'Tiara' is a program that you run on a computer, but I rather doubt that.
Meanwhile, DT is in Cain's body
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Clever idea.
It feels like I'm reading Why Am I Pinkie Pie again. But that's not a bad thing! It'll be interesting to see where this goes from the human trapped in a pony that's NOT funny, just mean.
As it stands, I am only on chapter two now. Will read more and assess more later.
Well the only thing i have to say is good work so far but...
all of you how making this type of storys stop to try being the charakter just be the human person.
Be nice, or an Ashole or waht ever. But stop try to be DT because this takes much fun out of it.
Break up with Silver Spoon or be nice to the "Blank Flanks" or take a new style!!!
it´´s not so suspicious that a persen/pony can change! And it would be funnyer
Wouldn't you act the opposite if you were in someone else body to try and tell them that your not you?
"What about Princess Luna, Daddy?"
I wouldn't be able to help myself.
Please tell me that the Rich family is just a part of Generic Pony Religion #626 instead of the pony equivalent of Christianity. Please.
My mind trailed off as I tried to think of a good word that would fit this discovery.
How about...Redundant?
Don't you mean butt?
2806175 No, in the pony world, plot is butt.
So she is swearing in Equestrian now?
I'm being a broken record here but, why does he have to be an asshole to everyone? What does he care if others notice DT behavior is off, or improved for that matter?
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rainbow darts?
and yeah, plot is the rear, which, when twilight was giving away plots (for stories) fluttershy went pervyshy and ran, upon seeing the truth, she blushed and fainted in her usual fashion
but not soiling herself, she's gotton better about that apparantly
I got to admit I find myself reaching for the dislike button here. I'm not a big fan of SIs instantly concluding they must stay in character, because reasons, especially for baddies of the show.
I'll give it a few more chapters, but I hope to see a reason why she doesn't just "Go straight to Twilight, do not pass go, do not collect £200." Even if the aftermath of the FFP would make that difficult, any level of human education really should get her to sit up and pay attention.
Though I do recall the FFP gossiping about Celestia. I am intrigued as to how the SI is going to make things up to that pony...
Because It's better to be popular than feared. . . No, really. The reaction formation of others is not a projection. And, sabotage really sucks.
Not a fan of the whole "acting in character" thing, why cant he just be nice? surely they would rise suspicion but it would only bring light to his situation sooner and make this whole experience go away faster, if he really wants to go back to Earth.
There's always the possibility the Harmony in Equestria decided to boot Diamond Tiara consciousness from equestria from being mean and replacing with a friendly brony.
Actually, since it was a newspaper, that's Libel, not Slander.
Evil villain laugh fail.
ThatBadGuy knows how you feel.
When written it's called libel.
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If he suddenly becomes nice, people will think something’s up. Besides, changelings are probably known about, despite this being before the Canterlot attack. You don’t grow to be 1000 years old and not know of another sentient species.
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I wanna read that story!