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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I really like this so far. You've got my fave, I'll be watching for any updates.
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@Hutser Huzzah! My first comment! Glad you're having a good time reading it. I suppose my only wish is whoever clicked down-thumbs would take time to say why.
Anyhoof, steamy pony chapter will be out today, and maybe the following chapter as well.
There are several grammatical errors at the end of chapter 2. Mainly, run-on sentences.
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It's like Christmas!
I really don't see why you don't have more comments, this is great so far and really deserves more attention.
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I'll take a look back through N00813. Even proofreading 3-4 times, I'll miss something. So I appreciate anything pointed out I can fix.
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If you feel that way, please share with friends!
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Chap 2:
StarStep nodded to her final words, a part of him still had feelings for the orange pegasus, what exactly those feelings were, he wasn't sure.
should be
StarStep nodded to her final words. A part of him still had feelings for the orange pegasus; what exactly those feelings were, he wasn't sure.
I am loving this so far. It's so great to read an actual story from an author with talent.
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Thank you Karackas *wing-bow* If you enjoy the story, the best way you can reward me is to show it to your friends. A story isn't a story unless there's someone to read it.
...Aaaand it goes right in my favs!
Alright so far so good, although I do believe things are about to enter the 'complicated' zone, I for one cannot wait onward to the next chapter
So very very good. In fact I was only able to spot one error, and a very small one at that.
"if this would effected how he felt about Luna." The word you want is affect, not effected.
But as i said, it's a small thing that really doesn't detract from how good this story is so far. Keep it up!
lol Nooooooo . Why do I feel like this is going to destroy his chances
> stopped reading here
1571946
You quit the story? May I ask why?
Wow. An author that actually warns when clop is, and makes sure that not much will be missed by those who skip it... Awesome! Thanks a ton!
What if pizza?
Honestly, this I did not enjoy this chapter. The first two chapters aren't perfect, but they have an interesting hook and do a fair job at establishing Starstep's character. Then it all just sorta trips over itself here. The build up with Starstep and Scootaloo being old friends was neat, but the idea that he just gives in to Scootaloo's proposition like that just grates against his established character and his supposed motivations. He claims he's afraid of this affecting his 'feelings' for Luna, yet he makes no real effort to hold out. We are talking about a guy who has apparently forgone sex entirely up to this point in his life, for the sole sake of some honestly unexplained reason. The lampshaded comment about "every guy has more than one girl" felt really hamfisted as there was no attempt to foreshadow that information and it comes up right as it becomes relevant to Star being dumb.
Supposedly, he's saving himself for Luna, but it isn't unusual for ponies to not only have relatively non-stigmatised casual sex frequently, but it is also common practice for a stallion to have multiple mares (in what kind of relationship you don't actually specify). So, why would he bother abstaining from societally normal sexual practices? If a bit of casual sex is enough to ruin Star's dream and destroy his affections for Luna, then he clearly has a paper thin will and the entire point of the story's plot thus far looks just as flimsy. If his 'feelings' get broken so easily, then it is rather clear that they were never strong enough to be worth pursuing. In a single scene I went from rooting for Starstep to having no respect for him, or his "feelings."
It does not bode well for a plot when its believability gets torpedoed only three chapters in.
That said, it was entirely that last scene that sunk things for me. I was enjoying everything up to that point. Normally, I'd just stop reading after something like that, but I think I'll give things a couple more chapters just in case you manage to recover after this. Either way, I'll leave my thoughts in a future comment.
New ship! TomxOC in gay relationship!!!
Now write it.
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i hope you continued to read on, because it does pay off further in and things make more sense as it goes, true the first time i read it i wasnt that pleased at this part either but trust me its worth it. Its not as hamfisted as it sounds, as one its also mentioned in the description and author notes at the end of chapter one, but also Star hadnt been saving himself for luna (especially sense its well known that luna definitely aint a virgin), he just hasnt been interested enough in any other pony to go through with it. He refused Scootaloo because he couldnt bring himself to go through with it as he still didnt know what he really wanted and at that age, sex means a lot more than it does when your older. Also Scoots gave a convincing argument in saying this was the best way to test what he really wanted.
Although that one part probably should be edited because it does look like it would belong in the authors note and not in the story, kind of a big narrative shift when you addresss the reader directly. glad you didnt do that again.
That would make such an awesome pic on deviantart.
I would have said no, I don't know about you but a feeling of betrayal fills me. Then again I'm saving my first time for marriage, so that's just me.
Fortunately for me, this is a good story (so far) that just happens to have some smexy moments. Good enough that you have earned a place for the story in my Favorites shelf. (along with a new follower)