Probably not the best thing... but I will get better with time... tell me if I can add or correct something, I'll do it as soon as I can.

It's off to a good start!

Solid effort Oro. There are some editing issues that you need to address, (Like missing words, a correction of flow in some of the sentences), but all-in-all it's a good start. You just need to polish it off a little bit and you'll have a real gem here. Hope to see more

Thank you for the advice! I must add though that I'm still learning english, I might ask my teacher for help at school. I was thinking that it was lacking some things too, but I will be improving in future chapters.

>>840102840102

My first language is English, and without the help of a very skilled (and patient) editor I'd be lucky to do better then you did here. So don't feel bad at all,you're off to a good start!

...my OC destroying a TwiLuna...

AWESOME!

Another great chapter!

Chapter 5 came faster than predicted, maybe tomorrow I will be having the 6th... and that would be the last one after a long time. I will take a hiatus, nothing is certain, but I need it, school is just too much work...

I hope this chapter is also as good as the others, or maybe, better (I doubt this... ) I will keep learning from my mistakes and improving.

I like this...

another chapter! it was longer than usual!

the cronological order of the memories was intended to be disordered... so I will choose a chapter (maybe the next one) that explains the order of each memory.

The "JUST JUST DO IT DAMN IT"... is she insane, why is she arguing with herself?

Try to avoid openly stating any conclusions she came to. For example, telling the reader the character think she got in an accident because of her bandages. For starters its redundant. The reader can draw this conclusion on their own, lead the readers to correctly assume things, but don't flat out tell them. Whenever you tell the reader something that may already know/assume, you pull them out of the story.

Hopefully this helps. Also, you might want to fix the typo in your summary. That's a major turn-off for readers. Making a mistake in the summary will make people think your entire fic is riddles with errors.

>>918778918778

actually, I argue with myself a lot of times, why? because I just feel dissapointed with myself , Golden Passion is just like me... in some ways...

I put there she thought it was an accident because it wasnt an accident, she was attacked... but yes that's a nice point, I'll see what I can do.

Thanks, I'll fix the summary, perhaps come up with a better one.

I am... not sure about this chapter...

I liked it

>>936176936176

Thanks!

omg twilight is passions big sis.

OMG! her dad is such a dick ! (ps first)

You're getting better!

Your picture is an epitaphny of awesome sause

That was great!

When you told me what was going to happen, I was like . After reading it, I am like .

>>10514621051462

my mind keeps getting weirder and weirder...

>>10524741052474

My mind is just as strange...trust me.

I hope everything works out! Luna needs Golden Passion!!!

>>11769621176962

...Golden Passion...

...or, you meant something else?

>>11775121177512

Oh man, I'm sorry.

So much has been going on lately, I completely didn't realize what I did. My apologies.

This story is amazing! It has plenty of description, and many things that I cannot wait to be discovered! Love it!

All right, I got here via the "I want Criticism" box at the Feature Box Crusaders group, so here goes.

"The eldest of the alicorns had white coat"

- "The eldest of the alicorns had a white coat

"The coat's color of the youngest assimilated the color of the walls"

- It would be better if you wrote "The coat color of the younger was similar to the color of the walls" There are only the two sisters, so to use the adjectives of oldest or youngest is not appropriate given how small the set is. Secondly, "assimilated" would mean that the coat and the wall are becoming one and the same, so unless the wall is absorbing or making contact with Luna, use of that word would also be unconventional.

"I had some parts of my body covered with bandages and some uncovered bruises in other parts."

- You'll want to change "in" to "on".

- "Your Majesty," said one guard, kneeling while the other repeated the same procedure, "We found this unknown unicorn with wings wandering around in the halls of the Castle"

-"Gentlemen!" the eldest alicorn said in surprise, she seemed startled due to the sudden outburst "you shouldn't..."

- "Oh!" she was interrupted by the youngest alicorn of the paint entering through the same entrance we used; we looked behind us in surprise, she had a smile from ear to ear on her face "you have finally awakened!"

You don't need a dash in front of every paragraph beginning with dialogue, instead you should put an indentation, or nothing at all seeing as how you are separating different characters speaking by starting new paragraphs.

Overall, you give a good account of the setting and of your OC's thoughts, very important things for any author. While there are some grammatical errors such as missing articles (as in the first example) or misused prepositions (as in the third example) they are not frequent enough to cripple the work and a good proof reading before posting should eliminate this problem. I know this is only the first chapter, but you are off to a good start in your writing skills and I see room for you to expand on vocabulary and writing style.

On the non-critical side of things, I think this may be the first OC alicorn fic I have read, and I look forward to seeing if the hostility to the genre is warranted.

In summary, have a moustache ...

>>13500081350008

...wow... well, thanks!

I'll fix it as soon as possible!

Hello! got some time to critique now so here goes!

"My head was pounding with questions making me even more frustrated, and if it couldn’t get any worse, the painful feeling of betrayal was added to the pile including guilty."

- I found this sentence a little awkward towards the end, I think the message you were trying to convey would be better served as such: "The painful feeling of betrayal was added to the pile of emotions welling within me, chief among them guilt."

"The sweet scent of honey and eggs gave me a warmth welcoming to a new day. And so did a sweet voice…"

- Should be warm not warmth.

"I was still affected by the previous night I had spent thinking.

- Ah now I am not criticising on this passage, its rare to see someone use the words affect and effect properly, and your proper use of it here restores my hope. Good job.

My last comment would be that in your dialogues, whenever a character's statement begins with an exclamation such as "ahh!", "um", or "hmm" you don't  capitalized the exclamation. Remember to capitalize the beginning of spoken sentences, even if "Um" technically isn't a word.

"femenine.."

- The proper spelling is feminine.

"poblated"

- I believe you were trying to write populated.

Overall I've noticed that you tend to add or leave out important articles (a, the) at certain points and it can become quite jarring. I recommend that you perform a good proof reading in the future before releasing chapters.

>>13535041353504

I wish I had a proof reader... I can't fix the mistakes by myself since I'm still in process of learning English... but I've gotten in the group to learn. And some of the mistakes happen because I sometimes get confused and mix up similar words in both languages.

>>13500081350008 Thanks a lot for helping Lake out. I'm glad that you are applying your knowledge of the English language to help those in need out. And I'm glad that the Feature Box Crusaders group is actually helping you guys. Thanks for reviewing!

>>13544861354486 It's not a bad start for your first fic! I must say that I am envious of it actually! My first one was complete garbage! Good job, really.